Broken Balance
by Alec Star
Summary: New Caprica left Kara closer to the edge than anyone realized. The story begins a little dark, it is also a sort of sequel to 'Control' though it can stand alone. This goes AU about two minutes before the end of 'Torn'. Warning: adult issues up to and including rape. COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

**_Title_**: **Broken Balance**  
**_Author_**: Alec Star

**_Disclaimer_**: I don't own the concepts, I don't own the characters, I make no money, I make no sense and I get no sleep (though I do feast on feedback).

**_Summary_**: New Caprica left Kara a lot closer to the edge than anyone realized.

**_Timeline/spoilers_**: This fic goes AU a couple of minutes before the end of '_Torn_' so everything up to that point is fair game (there may also be some references to the flashbacks in '_Unfinished Business_' somewhere down the line, but I'm still not sure about that). This is also a sort of sequel to **_Control_** but while being familiar with that story would make some things a little easier to understand, this one can definitely stand alone (Explanation: **_Control_** is my take on the four months between _LDYB_ and _Occupation_ but, seeing how this takes place after _Torn_, the deviations from canon should not be all that relevant, though there will be some references to non-canon events taking place in that period, however most of those references **_will _**be explained anyway. If anyone is interested, the story id for that one is 3381703).

**_Warnings_**: This deals with a number of adult issues up to and including references to rape (though those references are non-descriptive and they refer to past events, nothing happens on-screen... or was that on-page?).

**_Rating_**: T

**_Pairings_**: This is not a romantic story so I'm not sure how relevant pairings are going to be here, not to mention that I've had it with the whole 'love quadrangle of death' anyway. Just to be on the safe side let's say that there will be references to all canon pairings (Lee/Kara, Kara/Sam, Lee/Dee and maybe some hints of Adama/Roslin) but I don't know where this will end in that regard... or if it will end with a pairing at all for that matter.

**_Annoyingly long author's notes/incoherent babbling (feel free to skip this)_**: Okay, so when I posted **_Control_** I said that chances were I was never going to write this and I meant it, in fact I even had a number of reasons for wanting to avoid it (the main one being that I feared that at first glance the setup for this story was a little too close to another one of my BSG fics --**_Long Shadows_**-- for comfort and I was worried that by writing this I would end up coming across as a one trick pony that smells kind of funny). What I hadn't counted on, however, was on this fic having other plans. Simply put, there were a couple of scenes I just couldn't get out of my head (not to mention that I seem to have a problem leaving a broken character behind... or maybe it is just that I was left itching to knock some sense into a few characters' heads, preferably with a clue by four). As for the similarities with **_Long Shadows_**, the more I thought about them, the more I realized that they didn't run anywhere near as deep as I had originally thought. Anyway, while this is an attempt to put Kara back together after having thoroughly messed her up in **_Control_**, it won't be a happy, happy fic... after all, BSG is anything but a happy, happy fandom (also, please notice the word 'attempt' in 'this is an attempt to put Kara back together'). In other words, there will be hard times ahead... and don't expect a magic bullet to fix things overnight.

Also, if you've read my other fics you probably know this already but if you haven't I think it's fair to warn you that if you want a fast paced story with lots of action and epic battles... well, you have definitely come to the wrong place. As usual my primary focus is going to be on the interaction between the different characters (something I feel has been badly neglected throughout most of this season) and things will probably move slowly.

Having said that I'll just shut up and let the story do the talking (and yes, I know, it was about time).

* * *

Chapter 1  
(Cottle's POV)

"How is she?" comes the rather predictable question before I can even finish closing the curtain behind me and I take a deep breath before I even try to answer that one.

"Still breathing," I say, turning around to see the three worried men who have been cluttering my sickbay for the past few hours. "I managed to stop the bleeding and repair the damage but she lost an awful lot of blood and we almost lost her a couple of times in there. She has a fighting chance, that is the good news, but she is still not out of the woods, not by any stretch of the imagination."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that she managed to perforate both her stomach and her intestine and that even though I cleaned things up as best I could, she could still develop an infection and then all bets would be off. The risk of peritonitis is not one that can be taken lightly, not even under the best of circumstances, and no matter how many antibiotics I pump into her there is still a chance that we could end up losing her. The next 48 hours are going to be critical."

"But barring any major complications she is going to make it?" asks Bill, obviously looking for some sort of reassurance, the problem is that I can't afford to give him that kind of comfort, not with the stakes being as high as they are.

"I repaired the damage and chances are that her injuries will heal just fine if that is what you are asking but that doesn't mean she is going to live. The bottom line is that right now those injuries are the least of her worries. Let me be perfectly clear here, admiral: this was a serious suicide attempt, not a cry for attention, and she damn near succeeded. I don't think you realize just how close she cut it here."

"Tell me."

"If it weren't because someone was worried enough about what was going on to come looking for me **_before_** she did anything in the first place I would almost certainly have been too late, that's how close it was. Now, the good news is that, as serious as this was, I don't think she planned it. Of course, that doesn't mean she is not going to try it again but that is all the good news I have to offer, at least for the time being."

"Wait, you don't think she planned it?" asks Apollo, beating Anders to the punch.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because if she had planned it she would probably have used her gun and I'm fairly certain we wouldn't be here arguing about it, we would be too busy arranging her funeral and the whole point would be moot anyway. Now, going by what I was told before I went looking for her and by what I found in the head once I got there I suspect that she went in there intent on cutting her hair. That was probably her original goal but then something just snapped. Keep in mind that she did three things while she was in the head: first she cut her hair, then she smashed the mirror and finally she turned the knife on herself. Based on that sequence of events I would say that chances are that there was something about her reflection she just couldn't handle. That is the most logical scenario."

"But what was it?" asks Bill, looking almost sick at the thought.

"I don't know. Honestly I think **_something_** was just too much for her but I don't know what that **_something_** was, however I am willing to bet that one way or another this whole thing can be traced back to New Caprica. Of course, while I am fairly certain that that is what caused her to try to kill herself in the first place, that is **_not_** what triggered this, that was not the final straw, and while New Caprica may be at the root of what happened today, for the time being identifying that final straw should probably be a far more immediate concern. As I said, something caused Starbuck to snap when she did and if you want her to live you are going to have to figure out what it was that pushed her over the edge, you are going to have to figure out what the frak is going on in that thick head of hers and you are going to have to do it soon."

TBC

* * *

**_Author's notes (yes, more of those)_**: I know, this is getting annoying (especially because I'm not too keen on author's notes to begin with) but there were a couple of little things I wanted to mention that didn't seem to fit at the beginning.

First of all, I promise that the discrepancies between Kara's attitude at the end of **_Control_** and this fic **_will_** be explained eventually... after all, a lot has happened since then.

Second, about the update frequency. I am usually pretty obsessive about updating my fics once a week, however right now I have two WIPs so there may be times when two weeks will go by. I will try to maintain the weekly updates for both stories however if I miss an update that story will automatically take priority the following week. On the other hand, if I have updated both stories, the one with the most vocal readers will get priority. In other words, reviews will help keep the updates coming (though I will **_never_** hold a story hostage to the number of reviews).

Having said that, I'll try to keep the author's notes to a minimum in the future.

Thanks for reading,

Alec


	2. Chapter 2

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 2  
(Adama's POV)

I'm trying hard not to flinch at Cottle's words, especially because I am all too aware of what --or rather who-- it was that caused Kara to snap in the first place: it was me. I kicked her out of that chair, I told her that she was no longer a daughter to me. I called her a cancer and threatened to kick her off my ship... and then less than fifteen minutes later she...

"It was me," I admit, knowing that there's no way I can keep this to myself. "I confronted her in the rec room about her attitude, said some things I probably shouldn't have but I never thought she would..."

"You weren't the only one," Lee interrupts me. "I mean, earlier today I was literally volunteering to open an airlock for her but I never expected her to take me up on that offer."

"So let me get this straight: you both knew there was a problem, you both knew she was barely holding it together as it was and yet you both kept pushing her? Does anyone here know what the frak happened to her on New Caprica? Did anyone even ask?"

"We assumed she was fine since she was cleared for duty," says Lee, rather defensively.

"In other words, after four months as a POW you figured that because there were no obvious physical injuries there was nothing wrong and then you got on her case for being unable to shrug the whole thing off as if nothing had happened? Are you out of your frakking minds?"

"Wait a sec, doc. If you knew there was a problem why didn't **_you_** say something about it?"

"Because I **_didn't_** know, because up until I found her in the head I hadn't even seen her," he replies. "Remember, we took some pretty heavy casualties when we escaped from New Caprica. We lost thousands of souls and a frakking battlestar that day. At the time she was examined by a triage medic who determined that the extent of her injuries was a bump on the head and then he discharged her to make room for those who actually **_needed_** immediate care if they were to stand as much as half a chance. As for me, as soon as I set foot on the Galactica I was 'escorted' back here and for the next forty-eight hours the only thing in my mind was doing everything I could to try to keep the most critical cases going. It never even occurred to me to track her down after that."

"So you people messed up and my wife just fell through the cracks? Is that what you are saying?" asks Sam.

"Did you ask her what happened?"

"I tried to, more than once --in fact I've been trying to get her to talk to me from the moment I found her-- but she kept pushing me away and just wouldn't talk about it," he says.

"But you were the one who found her back on the planet?" insists Cottle, obviously trying to piece some sort of back history together.

"Yes, she was unconscious at the time."

"Where?"

"In the detention center, though it wasn't a cell, not really. The place looked almost like an apartment, nicer than what pretty much everyone else had down there. We were making our way out when she came to, then she grabbed my knife and insisted on going back. I didn't know what to do but eventually I ended up following her... I didn't really have a choice. That's when I was able to take a good look at the place. There was a dead copy of Leoben on the floor --one I'm fairly certain she had just killed-- and she had a little girl with her. At first Kara said she was her daughter but as soon as we got to the Galactica a woman came out of nowhere and said that the kid was hers. Kara never mentioned it again and I don't really know what the frak that was all about."

"That's all you know?"

"Yes, you know how stubborn she can be," says Anders, rather defensively, and I can help but to acknowledge that he does have a point.

"Okay, so we have Apollo ragging her for being reckless --or more reckless than usual-- the admiral getting on her case because of her attitude and you... you were just happy to have your wife back in one piece. Does that about sum up the situation?" asks Cottle, glaring at us.

"Hey, what is so bad about me being happy to have my wife back?"

"Other than the fact that you obviously didn't have a frakking clue as to what the hell it was that you were dealing with? Nothing."

"What are you suggesting?" asks Sam, glaring back at Cottle... not that that is likely to do him much good.

"I'm not 'suggesting' anything," growls the doctor, not backing down an inch. "I'm telling you that, just like the admiral and the major here, you expected her to pick up right where she left off. You expected her to 'just get over it' and she couldn't do it... but that doesn't really matter. Right now trying to place the blame is not going to get us anywhere. What we have to do is figure out what we can do to keep her alive and I can already tell you that the odds are stacked heavily against her. Going by what you've told me about her recent behavior I would say that chances are that she was deeply traumatized by whatever it was that she went through on that gods forsaken rock and your initial reactions to that trauma may well have damaged the support system she should have been able to rely on beyond repair. That is **_not_** a good thing."

"So what are we supposed to do?" I ask, trying to keep things from spiraling out of control here. As Cottle pointed out, we messed this up once already and that is **_not_** a mistake we can afford to make again, not if we want Kara to live. We can figure out who messed up how later --after all, there seems to be plenty of blame to go around-- but right now we have to focus on what we **_can_** do to fix this.

"To tell you the truth I'm not sure, though in that regard we do have a few days to try to come up with some semblance of a plan," says Cottle.

"We?" I ask.

"Yes, 'we'. She is my patient and the fact that I didn't realize that there was a problem is no excuse."

"And are you sure we can afford to wait that long?" I insist, not wanting to take any chances.

"Seeing how I intend to keep her sedated for at least the next 72 hours, yes. She is resting comfortably now but considering the extent of her injuries she would be in an awful lot of pain if she were conscious and even though sedation itself does have some associated risks, it is still the lesser evil. Right now my top priority is to give her body a chance to heal without having to worry about her mind getting in the way. It may not be ideal but it is the only thing I can think of to enable her to deal with this mess one problem at a time. Once I am reasonably sure that from a physical perspective the worst is behind her and that she is on her way to recovery, I'll start bringing her around but it's going to take a while for the drugs to make their way out of her system and she is still going to be under the influence of some pretty strong painkillers for a couple of days after that, so I don't really expect her to be making much sense in the next five or maybe even seven days."

"In other words we have five to seven days to figure out what we are going to do?"

"Pretty much, but unfortunately --even though the fact that she is sedated will buy us some time to think things through-- for the time being the details are bound to remain more than a little sketchy and that is going to make coming up with a strategy that much trickier."


	3. Chapter 3

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1._**

Chapter 3  
(Cottle's POV)

I look around trying to figure out how we are going to handle this, what we are going to do, and I can almost see Bill putting the pieces together in his mind before asking, "is there anything we can do about that?"

"I don't think so. How old was the girl?" I ask, turning my attention back to Anders.

"How should I know? Little, my guess would be one or maybe two years old."

"In other words, way too young for us to question."

"Yes, why?"

"Because that little girl is the only person who may actually know what your wife went through on that planet. Right now we are at an impasse. We need some answers to figure out how to treat her but Starbuck is the only one who could possibly provide us with those answers and she is obviously in no shape to do so. That means that trying to deal with this is going to be like walking straight into a minefield with a blindfold on and there's not a frakking thing we can do to change that," I explain. "The devil is going to be in the details here and if we want to fight it we are going to have to be familiar with those details... and this is going to be hard enough already without adding our ignorance to the mix."

"That bad?" asks the admiral.

"Yes. Once she is a little stronger we will have to organize some sort of suicide watch, that is pretty much a given, but right now that's about the only thing I know for sure. The problem is that I don't know if we have the resources to pull it off, to say nothing of the fact that a suicide watch is a short term solution at best and I'm not even sure we can do it without sending her into a tailspin. She is a former POW, she needs to feel that she is in control of her life and her surroundings and that means that any form of perceived 'imprisonment', even if it is for her own good, could easily end up doing a lot of damage."

"And her prognosis, in the long run? Physically, I mean," he asks.

"Are you asking me if she will ever be fit enough to get into a cockpit again?"

"Yes."

"Probably, but --given the amount of damage she managed to inflict on her abdominal muscles-- it will be four to six months before that can happen... and that estimate doesn't even begin to take into account her state of mind which may well end up taking even longer."

"Six months? That's going to kill her!" exclaims Apollo.

"She almost did that herself and if you were to put her back into the cockpit while she has no real will to live I can promise you that she would not last long," I remind him. "Besides, for the time being even something as basic as breathing is bound to be painful as hell so I can promise you that getting back into the cockpit is **_not _**going to be anywhere near the top of her list of priorities. Those muscles have to heal completely and be retrained before she can even think of attempting an AGSM and you know it."

"AGSM?" asks Anders, sounding more than a little puzzled.

"Anti-G Straining Maneuvers. AGSMs are critical to keep pilots from passing out in the air. They are meant to keep your blood from pooling in your legs --away from your brain-- and let's just say that they are not exactly easy on the abdominal muscles," explains Apollo, rather distractedly, sounding almost as if he were talking to a particularly clueless nugget.

"Damn!"

"As I said, she has a very long road ahead of her and even though I'm not entirely sure what she's been through, from what you've told me about her recent behavior I would put her chances of making it at fifty/fifty... and that is in a best case scenario," I warn them, bringing the conversation back to the subject at hand.

"Wait, that is your **_best_** case scenario?" jumps in the admiral, almost daring me to repeat that figure.

"Well, not really, but I would describe the odds of my best case scenario as being well below the ten percent mark so I'm not even counting that one. Think of fifty percent as the best **_realistic_** scenario."

"And that unrealistic one would be?" he prods, obviously not wanting to give up on a potential glimmer of hope, no matter how distant, the problem is that I'm going to have no choice but to dash it.

"The remote possibility that the realization of what she's done would actually turn out to be enough to cause her to snap out of her self-destructive behavior, but counting on that could easily turn out to be fatal."

"And that fifty percent?"

"Those would be her chances **_if_** she could manage to rebuild her support system somehow, but that is a pretty big 'if' and I must warn you that the three of you are going to have your work cut out for you if you want to make that happen."

"Tell me about it. She's so angry. I've been trying to be there for her but she's been pushing me away ever since we escaped from New Caprica. Hell, the other day she flat out told me that she wanted to tear my eyes out just for daring to look at her," mutters Anders, sounding incredibly frustrated.

"I can imagine," I say, fighting the urge to roll my eyes at him as he all but confirms some of my suspicions. "Now, going by what you've told me I think it's safe to say that she is going to have a very hard time coming to trust any of you again and she is not in any kind of shape to go making new friends either. That is probably going to be the biggest hurdle because leaving her alone would almost certainly turn out to be fatal."

"So what do you want us to do?" asks Apollo.

"The truth is that there's not much you **_can_** do," I admit.

"But you said that she had a fifty percent chance **_only_** if she could manage to rebuild her support system," he reminds me.

"Yes, but in the end she is the one who is going to have to do the heavy lifting here and there's nothing you can do to change that," I explain. "The most you can hope to do is to try to provide her with the best possible environment in which to do that heavy lifting and hope that she will be strong enough to pull it off somehow... and if you are wondering just how high the stakes are, let me just add that if she were to be left to her own devices I would put the odds that she will try this again sooner or later at about eighty percent."

"**_What!?_**"

"The bottom line is that she needs a kind of help she cannot get and our best may not be anywhere near good enough," I admit before going on. "She needs peace, quiet and stability, to say nothing of a sense of safety, but we are at war and she is not going to be getting any of those things any time soon. We are on the run and our resources to deal with this kind of trauma are almost non-existant. We can't even hope to get her away from the front lines because the front lines are all that remains. As for the chances of getting her some sort of professional help, there are only a handful of trained psychologists left in the entire fleet and those are as traumatized and as screwed-up as everyone else. Right now they can't even help themselves, to say nothing of the fact that they are so overworked it's not even funny. Besides, the only 'mental health professional' currently on board the Galactica is a child psychologist down in Camp Oil Slick who is waiting to be reassigned to the orphan ship. She is hardly a perfect fit for Starbuck, especially under the circumstances, and any attempt to transfer Kara to another ship would only serve to convince her that she is being tossed out like yesterday's garbage. That is the last thing she needs. Hell, even her physical recovery is going to be far more difficult than it should have been due to our lack of resources."

"Why?"

"Because even though I managed to repair the damage the simple fact is that she is still going to have to start eating sooner or later. There's no way around it and that is not going to be pleasant, far from it. Under normal circumstances she would be put on a special, carefully controlled, diet while she heals but even though I can try to make some adjustments in terms of the quantity and frequency of her meals, in the end my options in that regard are rather limited. Sure, as long as she remains on an IV or a feeding tube that is not going to be an issue but eventually I am going to have to reintroduce solid food into her diet and, just like everyone else, she is going to have to make do with whatever we have available. That will not only complicate her recovery but it will also make it far more painful than it should have been. Now, depending on how things go I may decide to delay that reintroduction by a couple of days to give her body more time to recover --in fact the sedation will pretty much force me to do that anyway-- and I will obviously back down if I see any signs that something is proving to be too much for her system but that is about all I can do and in the end she is just going to have to cope."

"Can we see her?" asks Anders.

"Well, she is out cold now but you have ten minutes each, then I want the lot of you out of here. She may not know that you are here but I certainly do and having you underfoot is the last thing I need."

"Ten minutes?" he repeats, sounding anything but pleased.

"At least for today. Starting tomorrow you will each get two fifteen minute visits --as long as you spread them throughout the day-- and then we'll see about extending those to twenty minutes the day after that. We will keep that schedule, maybe adding five minutes per visit each day, until she starts coming around and then we'll just take our cues from her."

"Meaning?" asks Bill.

"Meaning that my top priority is going to be to keep her stress levels to a minimum so if I see some signs that she is responding well to someone's presence I will ask that person to spend more time with her to help keep her calm but by the same token if she responds negatively to someone I will ask that someone to cut back on the time they spend with her, at least until she is a little stronger. Of course, right now that's not an issue and there's no point in borrowing trouble," I say.

"Sam, she's your wife, so why don't you go in first?" offers the admiral and I can help but to raise an eyebrow at that, realizing that the old man probably has something up his sleeve here.

* * *

_**AN**_ (sort of): Thanks for reading and please, pretty please, review! (okay, so that was pathetic but after last week I am not above begging... though I do know part of the problem was that the site was acting up),

Alec


	4. Chapter 4

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 4  
(Sam's POV)

I can't believe that this is actually happening. I can't believe that after surviving four months in that damned hellhole Kara would just give up but at the same time I can see the proof right in front of me, in the fact that she is lying motionless on that frakking bed with more lines and wires attached to her than I can count and making the sheets look colorful by comparison... to say nothing of her brand new hair-do. That is the thing I can't quite tear my eyes away from. I used to love running my fingers through her hair and just seeing what she's done to it...

Almost without realizing it I find myself reaching out to touch it. In spite of everything her hair is still incredibly soft and in a way that feels wrong.

I wonder what happened in the head... and what was it that the admiral said to her in the first place. From what he told us that was probably what pushed her over the edge, though I know that Apollo volunteering to open an airlock for her must have hit her hard too. After all, I know that in her mind he was still her wingman, the one person she was used to relying on for her life and then to have him turn on her when she needed him the most...

I have never understood their relationship, not really. She said that he was her best friend and her dead fiancee's older brother all rolled into one but I've always suspected that there was more to it than that... especially considering the hostility I could sense from him after we got married. Still, even though I never saw them fly together, I know he was the other half of the 'Starbuck and Apollo' legend I had heard so much about and in the end I know that flying was what Kara had missed the most while we were down on New Caprica. Her wings were the one thing she had dreamed of getting back. Oh, she never talked much about it, not really --and I have to admit that I was deeply relieved by the fact that while we were down there I didn't have to worry about her getting in that damned bird of hers one day and not coming back-- but that doesn't mean I couldn't see the longing in her eyes whenever she looked up at the sky.

That was one of the reasons why I had allowed myself to believe that now that we were back in this old bucket of bolts things were going to be fine, though deep down I guess I always knew it wasn't going to be anywhere near that easy.

I may not have wanted to admit it but almost from the moment we got here I could already see that Kara was not the same woman she had been four months before, when I was too sick to do anything but watch as that frakking toaster led her away.

Those four months of not knowing whether she was dead or alive were hell for me and I was so relieved to have her back... the problem is that I never did, not really.

Ever since we came back she's been avoiding me, keeping me at arm's length and doing everything within her power to drink herself into oblivion. She would hardly even let me touch her and that's been frustrating as hell. I could see that she was on the verge of losing control and yet I knew there was nothing I could do to prevent it so in the end I gave her what she said she wanted and left. At the time I thought that was the right thing for me to do but now I can't help but wonder if that wasn't a mistake, if maybe --instead of backing down-- I should have tried pushing harder.

Of course, I am also all too aware of the fact that trying to push Kara --especially when she doesn't want to be pushed-- has a tendency to backfire. In fact I suspect that pushing her is exactly what the admiral was trying to do in the first place and... well, let's just say that we already know how that went and leave it at that.

The thing is that, even though I knew something was very, very wrong with her, I never expected her to do something like this. I never expected her to just give up. She is supposed to be a fighter, damn it, and this is not the way this was supposed to end.

Oh, I know it's not over yet, I know she is still alive and I even know that chances are that given enough time she will heal just fine but that is in spite of her and that's what bothers me... especially because I am all too aware of just how stubborn she can be. I know that if Kara really wants to die there is not going to be a frakking thing any of us can do to prevent it.

Hell, even the doctor said that he is going to be keeping her sedated to give her body a chance to heal without her mind getting in the way. He is keeping her sedated because he doesn't want to have to fight her while he treats her and he all but told us that we should be prepared to have her try this again... and I know that if she keeps trying sooner or later she is bound to succeed. That's what scares the hell out of me.

She should have been safe here, damn it! This is where she wanted to be all along, this place was supposed to be 'home' to her, so what happened and what the frak am I supposed to do about it? I don't know. I've never been much of a thinker. Hell, I was perfectly content being just another dumb jock and then the world ended.

I was never meant to be a warrior, I never chose to be a soldier, not like she did... I just did what I had to do to keep myself and those around me alive until she came back.

She saved my life and I don't want to lose her. That is what this whole thing boils down to but at the same time I don't really have a clue as to what it was that brought her to this point in the first place and much less do I know what I can do to fix it.

I am still trying to figure that one out when I hear the curtain being pulled open behind me and I realize that my ten minutes are up so I kiss her forehead --trying to be careful with all the wires that are currently attached to her-- and then I make my way past Apollo, fighting the urge to beat the crap out of the man. To say that I've never been particularly fond of him would be an understatement but it has never been like this before. Right now I'm having a hard time trying to keep my temper under control as I see him approach the bed... as I see him approach my wife. As far as I am concerned he has no right to be here and just watching him with her is enough to make my blood boil.

From what we know he and his father are the ones responsible for what happened. They are the ones who pushed her over the edge and that means that they are the ones who landed her on that bed in the first place.

* * *

_**Author's notes**_:hi guys, okay, first of all thanks for reading. I hope this will get through without too much trouble (the site has been refusing to allow me to post this update and in the end I had to force the issue). Also, I freely admit that this chapter was hard for me to write. It was my first attempt at getting into Sam's mind and... well, let's just say that I don't feel comfortable enough with the character to do it but at the same time it couldn't be avoided. In addition to that I was polishing this today at 2:00 AM and I realized I had a pretty big plot hole so I ended up having to do a quick rewrite of some parts of it. Boy was that fun... NOT!

Anyway, right now I'm hoping this was at least legible,

Alec


	5. Chapter 5

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 5  
(Lee's POV)

I look at Kara in that bed and I can't keep a shiver from running down my spine. I almost lost her today, that is the thought that keeps running through my mind and all of a sudden a year of anger and resentment is peeled away and I am forced to confront the fact that I still love her and chances are that I always will.

Sure, there is a lot I still don't understand about what happened here but when all is said and done the truth is that I don't even want to contemplate what my life would be like without her. Hell, this past year gave me a taste of that and --now that I'm finally being honest with myself-- I can honestly say that it wasn't fun.

The problem is that fixing this mess is not going to be easy. In fact I'm not even sure whether or not there's going to be a way for me to dig myself out of the hole I dug myself into... or rather a way for _**us **_to dig _**ourselves**_ out of it, because while seeing Kara in that bed makes me want to forgive all her sins, the truth is that we dug that hole together and, to make matters worse, I suspect that even if we were to manage to dig ourselves out of it, others are bound to end up getting buried in the process.

After all, that's the way it always is when Kara is involved... but that can wait. Right now we have other priorities, like trying to figure out what caused her to do what she did in the first place. That should be our main concern, especially if we want her to make it past this point... unfortunately we still don't have a clue about that one, not really.

Earlier today --or was it yesterday?-- I wanted to kill her. At the time I was so angry that I was literally volunteering to open an airlock for her, not realizing how close to the edge she already was and that is something I can't quite get out of my mind. Were there any warning signs there that I just failed to recognize? Probably. Kara has always been reckless and that may have kept me from seeing how bad things really were, but the truth is that --as brutal as our most recent argument may have been-- it was no worse than countless others we've had before.

When we go at each other we don't pull our punches, it is as simple as that... or at least it was because that is something that is going to change now, especially considering the odds the doc mentioned.

Twenty percent... those would be her chances if we were to leave her to her own devices. That is nowhere near acceptable and, as if those odds weren't bad enough, the doc's 'best bet' is fifty percent but even that 'ideal' fifty percent is a conditional one, one that requires us to regain her trust. That is not exactly reassuring, especially not considering how big an 'if' that really is. Gaining Kara's trust has never been easy but I suspect that regaining it is bound to be all but impossible. She has no reason to trust us now, not considering how we turned on her.

That means that if we want to keep her alive we are likely to find ourselves with more than one battle in our hands. We are going to have to figure out what brought her to this point but we are also going to have to come up with some sort of strategy going forward... and in order to do that we are going to have to start thinking with our heads. Of course, in my case that is going to be easier said than done because, when it comes to Kara, I am all too aware of the fact that my heart does have a tendency to tell my mind to take a hike.

The problem is that, to make matters worse, it's not just the two of us that are having a hard time getting back into the rhythm of things, nowhere near it. Right now we are _**all**_ still struggling to get reacquainted with each other. The crew is divided into the ones who settled on New Caprica and the ones who stayed on board the Galactica and the Pegasus, and even those who stayed with the battlestars are divided between what used to be the crews of the Galactica and the Pegasus, to say nothing of the fact that, in the aftermath of the Pegasus's destruction we found ourselves with two of pretty much everything so a number of us have been demoted --like me-- though in my case I consider that to be a blessing. I freely admit that I feel far more comfortable as CAG than I ever did as a commander.

Besides, being the CAG gives me the freedom to rearrange my own shifts in a way that allows me to make Kara a priority.

Right now we have more pilots than vipers anyway and that means that, if need be, I can take myself off the rotation for as long as it takes without putting an undue burden on anyone else as a result. As for the paperwork, well I can take care of that here in sickbay just as easily as I can anywhere else. In addition to that we have at least half a dozen people who can be trusted to take over the CIC for short periods of time and that in turn means that --barring an emergency that actually requires his direct input-- even my father will probably be in a position to get away for a couple of hours a day.

That's a start but I'm not sure whether or not it's going to be enough. Cottle said something about a suicide watch, though he also hinted at the fact that he doesn't really have the resources or the staff to maintain something like that for more than a couple of days and that means that the rest of us are going to have to step up to the plate here. The problem is that no matter how hard we try, the three of us --or even four if we were to count Cottle-- probably won't be anywhere near enough to pull it off either and that means we are going to need some reinforcements here.

Sure, I know that there's no way we can keep what happened a secret. In fact I am all but certain that the news is already all over the ship --and that is something we, and especially Kara, are going to have to deal with eventually-- but trying to figure out which names should be added to the list of ' Starbuck's friends' is not going to be easy. The truth is that things are different now and I don't think the way things were is going to be much of a reference in that regard. For instance, she used to be very close to Helo but I suspect that that is no longer the case. Hell, from what I've heard she's developed a new fondness for Tigh out of all people and that is going to take some getting used to!

I mean, talk about an irony! When I first came on board she was in hack for, as she put it, 'hitting a superior asshole' and now the two of them are drinking buddies?

I am still trying to wrap my mind around that particular concept when my father walks in and I know it's time for me to say goodbye. Sure, the idea of asking for a few more minutes with her is incredibly tempting but I know Cottle would have my hide if I were to try it so I decide to play it safe and I reluctantly get up.

There's nothing I can do here, not really, and right now I have a flight schedule to rewrite.

* * *

_**Author's notes**_: Hi guys, okay, first of all, thanks for reading. Also I wanted to explain something about this chapter: I know that there are a couple of elements here that seem a little off-key. Please give me a couple of chapters to explain those away. I promise that there is a method to my madness (I think).

And, since I'm posting an author's note anyway, I guess I can take advantage of the opportunity to remind you to please review... after all, reviews make writers happy and happy writers write faster!

Alec


	6. Chapter 6

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 6  
(Adama's POV)

The first thing I notice is just how pale she looks, propped up as she is in that damned bed. There are lines, tubes, wires and monitors all around her and even though I know enough to realize that each one of those things does serve a specific purpose --and in most cases I even know what that purpose is supposed to be-- the image still hits me and hits me hard.

I've seen my men get hurt more times than I care to remember and all too often that has been a direct consequence of my own actions but none of those injuries has ever made me feel this guilty before. Yes, people have been hurt and even killed because of my orders, that is one of the inescapable burdens of a military command --especially in a time of war-- but this is my 'daughter', damn it... and the bottom line is that this should never have happened. What brought us to this point wasn't a mission gone wrong, it was simply a mistake.

Oh, I could try to tell myself that I was just trying to get her to clean up her act, that her behavior was completely unacceptable and that even though I may have badly miscalculated the consequences of my words the point I was trying to make was still a valid one but that is not the whole story and I know it.

The truth is that when I said those things to her I was mad as hell at her and I had been mad for a very long time... ever since she left to settle on New Caprica, to be accurate. As petty as it seems I felt betrayed when my dead son's fiancee left me to start a new life with her new husband and that is one of the reasons why I never went looking for her when she came back, maybe if I had...

Sure, I know that 'what ifs' won't get me anywhere, that I can't change what happened to her any more than I can take my words back but as I sit here being confronted with the magnitude of my mistakes letting go of those 'what ifs' is all but impossible. I can't stop wondering if maybe if only I had bothered to go looking for her before things spiraled completely out of control --if I had tried to find out what had happened to her in the first place-- I would have realized just how bad the situation really was.

The thing is that even though Cottle seemed to be fairly certain that she will survive her physical injuries, the picture he painted of the current situation was still far from a comforting one. As he said, she is going to need her support system around her if she is going to make it but that support system has been shattered and there's no way around that fact. Hell, even Helo --a man who literally owes her his life-- turned on her. He was the one who told me what was going on down in the rec room in the first place and, while I certainly appreciate his loyalty, I suspect that his is yet another name I can cross off the list of people she can turn to... as for Saul --the last person I would have expected to be willing to be there for her a year ago-- he is such a mess himself that he can't be relied upon. In fact I'm afraid that if he were to be allowed anywhere near her right now the two of them would just end up racing each other to the bottom and that's a risk we can't afford to take. That's what they were doing earlier today in the rec room and that leaves... no one.

That, I think, is the point Cottle was trying to make, not to mention that even before the cylons got her Kara was not exactly the most trusting member of my crew. The problem is that if she is going to make it we are going to have to regain her trust... and somehow I don't think just saying 'sorry' is going to cut it here.

Of course, while all those are things we have to consider going forward, they don't represent the whole story, nowhere near it. What we have to do from now on doesn't tell us a frakking thing about what it was that brought us to this point to begin with and unless we can figure that one out chances are that we would just end up making the same mistakes time and time again.

Yes, Kara has been a mess ever since we escaped from New Caprica. That has been plain to see, but I suspect that focusing on that part of this mess is precisely what caused us to mistake the symptoms for the disease in the first place.

Oh, there is no denying that even by themselves those symptoms represent a serious challenge and they have obviously served to make matters worse. They were bad enough to cause me to kick her out of that chair and to drive Lee to volunteer to open an airlock for her but even though that was obviously the wrong approach, I'm not sure the alternative would have worked much better. In fact Sam did try to offer her some real support and from what we've heard she turned him down... hard. The problem is that we are going in blind here. We don't really know what it is that we are up against and that is what is causing us to stumble.

In other words, if we want to get anywhere with her we are going to have to at least _**try**_ to put the pieces together before we end up making an even bigger mess of things, not that we have much room left to make matters worse.

True, that is more of a warning than a comfort but it is still something we can't afford to forget and that brings me back to the basic question of what brought her to this point in the first place... and what the frak happened to her on New Caprica.

That is likely to be the key.

We know that she spent four months in the cylons' hands. That is hardly reassuring. Saul was there for a lot less than that and yet he came back missing an eye... and in a way that is one of the reasons why I was so willing to cut him some slack.

When the time came for me to confront the two of them in that rec room I was not shy about letting him know that his attitude was unacceptable, that is true, but I also told him to take as long as he needed to clean up his act whereas the options I gave Kara were simply to shape up or ship out. The difference, or at least part of it, was that I could see the scars on Saul's body and that I knew how hard Ellen's loss had hit him. In Kara's case there were no obvious injuries and I simply assumed that the lack of physical wounds meant that there was nothing wrong with her.

That was obviously a mistake.

From what Anders told us Kara may have been unharmed physically but they were obviously playing some pretty twisted mind-games with her all along and in that regard they had plenty of time to do a lot of damage. From what he said they had even convinced her that she had a daughter. How they did that is something that I can't even begin to comprehend and much less do I know what it was that they were trying to accomplish with that particular lie in the first place.

Why tell her that she had a child? That doesn't make sense... at least not based on what little we know of what happened to her down there. Did that have something to do with the fact that she seems to have been held in some sort of apartment rather than in a cell? Maybe. She obviously wasn't treated like an average prisoner but that just brings me back to the question of why. I seriously doubt the cylons did that out of the kindness of their software so they must have had some sort of ulterior motive, some sort of plan. In other words chances are that they were using that little girl to their own advantage. Who knows, maybe they were just using that child to control Kara. After all, if they had somehow managed to convince her that she was her daughter then Kara would almost certainly have done anything to keep her safe... but my gut tells me that there was a lot more to it than that. Sure, Kara is not exactly the most nurturing member of my crew but I don't think she would have turned her back on that girl if she had known she _**wasn't**_ hers. That means that that particular deception was probably part of a much larger picture.

That brings me to the next logical question: if Kara believed that girl to be her daughter, who did she believe to be the child's 'father'? That is not something I want to contemplate but in that regard the fact that Anders mentioned a dead copy of Leoben is far from reassuring... especially because in a way it does fit in with the rest of this picture.

I know all too well that that particular model is a master manipulator. It also has a 'personal' history with Kara, one that goes back to the 'Geminon Carrier', though I am pretty sure that there was more than just vengeance to this whole charade. In fact I suspect that the cylons had a very specific objective in mind and that Kara was anything but a random choice.

The cylons are machines and there is nothing random about their behavior. There can't be and that means that there was probably a point to keeping her in an apartment rather than a cell, just like there was a point to making her believe that she was a mother --and the same goes for Leoben's presence-- and in a way that paints a disturbingly simple picture because in the end what we have is a 'man', a woman and a child living together... a family.

That is a concept I had been deliberately trying to avoid, though the idea that she might have been brainwashed to the point of accepting a cylon as her 'husband' is one I'm still having a hard time trying to wrap my mind around... and then I have Cottle's words to Sam, words that all of a sudden take on a completely different --and far more ominous-- meaning.

Feeling almost physically sick at the thought I get up and I decide that the time has come for me to get myself some answers.


	7. Chapter 7

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1. Also please keep in mind that reviews keep authors happy and research has shown that happy authors are definitely more productive!**_

Chapter 7  
(Cottle's POV)

I am not particularly surprised when Bill comes looking for me when his ten --or maybe I should say fifteen-- minutes are up, after all I had already figured out that he was up to something when he insisted that both Anders and Apollo should go first and the most logical explanation was that he wanted to talk to me... alone. That doesn't sound all that unusual but this time around I don't think it is a good thing. In fact I suspect that I already know what it is that he wants to discuss and I know this is not going to be pretty.

"We need to talk," he says and I gesture for him to follow me, knowing that this is probably going to need some privacy.

"Tell me the rest of it," he orders.

"I've told you what I know," I reply.

"Bullshit!"

"Everything else I could say is just guesswork."

"That didn't seem to bother you earlier, when you were telling us what you thought the odds were," he points out.

"That was something you had to understand if Starbuck was to have any chance at all of making it. This is different."

"Let's cut to the chase, shall we? You think she was raped on New Caprica," he says, having a hard time even getting the word out.

"I won't deny that I think that's a possibility we can't afford to ignore, one that would explain a lot. It would certainly account for her anger, her drinking, her depression, her self-hatred, to say nothing of her attempts to push her husband away, but at the same time it is not the only viable explanation, not considering how long she spent as a prisoner so until..."

"It's more than that," he interrupts me, obviously not buying it.

"Maybe... probably. I won't deny that there are a number of things that would seem to point in that direction," I admit, knowing that there is no use in trying to deny it.

"Such as?"

"Such as the fact that she was held for four months by a cylon that apparently wanted to play house with her, one that somehow managed to convince her that she actually had a daughter. I don't know how he did that but I would say that if it came to that she was probably pushed way past her breaking point mentally if not physically... to say nothing of the fact that I don't think a cylon wanting to play house with her would have kept things platonic. That just wouldn't have made sense."

"And from what we know it wasn't just a cylon, it was Leoben," adds Bill, almost to himself.

"Exactly, but there's also something else," I say after hesitating for a moment. I may not want to share this particular tidbit but somehow I don't think Bill would forgive me if I were to keep this from him now and... well, let's just say that the rules are pretty much out the window on this one anyway. Besides, what are they going to do? Take away my license for a breach of doctor/patient confidentiality?

"Something else?" he asks.

"We know that the cylons are obsessed --almost consumed-- with the notion of finding a way to reproduce. As far as we know up until now they have had only one success but the results I got back from Starbuck's blood tests were somewhat unusual."

"Unusual?"

"To put it mildly. Some of her hormones are completely out of whack. At first I thought that was just due to the stress she's been under and I even thought that that could be a contributing factor to her current depression but at the same time I couldn't help but to feel that there was more to it than that --that the _**way**_ in which those particular hormones were out of whack seemed familiar somehow-- though I couldn't quite figure out why. Now I know."

"And are you going to tell me any time soon?" he all but growls.

"Those levels are consistent with what you would expect to find in a woman who has recently undergone a particularly aggressive fertility treatment, one that throws caution to the wind," I explain. "That profile is not something I'm likely to encounter all that often here on a battlestar, that's why it took me a while to figure out what it was that I was looking at, but..."

"But you seriously doubt that the cylons would have pumped her full of fertility drugs if they hadn't been actively trying to get her pregnant in the first place," he mutters, closing his eyes.

"Pretty much," I admit.

"And that's why you made a point out of telling her husband that maybe trying to pick things up right where they left off was not the brightest of ideas."

"Among other things. So when did you figure it out?"

"When I was sitting with her. I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something you _**weren't**_ telling me."

"I see."

"But there's one thing that doesn't really make sense: wouldn't Starbuck have put her foot down if Anders had been pushing her? After all, we are talking about Kara here and she's never been shy when it comes to saying what's on her mind," Bill points out.

"Four months ago she probably would have, no question about that, but now... things have changed and the truth is that I'm not sure how much of a reference her past behavior is going to be here. The cylons had way too much time to frak with her head. Hell, even if my suspicions are correct and she was actually raped --and for the time being that _**does**_ remain an 'if'-- I don't even know how relevant a factor that is in the grand scheme of things. What I can tell you is that if for months saying 'no' was _**not**_ an option then expecting her to shrug off that conditioning overnight would be completely unrealistic and her husband could easily have found himself unwittingly perpetuating that particular pattern. In addition to that there's also the fact that she may well have feared that saying 'no' would have led to too many questions she didn't want to have to deal with or even that she may have been unwilling to acknowledge to herself that she wanted to say 'no' in the first place because that would have been a tacit admission of the fact that everything was _**not**_ fine," I reply, not particularly comfortable with where this conversation is headed. On the one hand Thrace is my patient and my first instinct is to protect her privacy as much as I can but on the other I know that if my suspicions are correct then I am going to have to tell him anyway, that they will all need to know what it is that we are dealing with here.

"But if that is the case shouldn't her husband be warned about this?" asks Bill, almost reading my mind.

"Yes, but I'm not sure he is ready to hear it. Hell, you saw his reaction. He couldn't even understand what it was that I was hinting at when I told him that him being happy to have his wife back could be part of the problem and I wasn't exactly being subtle about it. I'll give him until she starts coming around to see if he manages to put two and two together on his own but if he doesn't I may have to tell him... and your son."

"They are not going to take it well."

"You think? I mean, even as things stand sometimes I am tempted to put up a 'no peeing' sign when those two are around," I mutter, shaking my head.

"A 'no peeing' sign?" asks Bill, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes. I mean, put those two in a room together with Starbuck in between and you can almost see them fighting the urge to mark their territory but if things are as bad as I think they are --and the fact that she damned near succeeded in killing herself would seem to suggest that they are-- then they are going to have to get over it and work together because she is going to need them both and their little pissing contest could end up doing a lot of damage here... and things are already complicated enough as they are."


	8. Chapter 8

_**For notes warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

_**Also please keep in mind that reviews make authors happy and research has shown that happy authors are twice as productive!**_

Chapter 8  
(Adama's POV) 

Okay, so I have to admit that Cottle does have a point when he says that we are probably going to need Sam and Lee to work together on this one and that if we want them to be able to do that the two of them are going to need a major attitude adjustment. The problem is that that is going to be easier said than done. After all, Lee has always been very protective of Kara... or maybe I should say that he _**had**_ always been very protective of her because that changed the day she left to settle on New Caprica. Oh, I know that part of it has to do with the fact that he never quite forgave her for daring to marry Sam in the first place, but I also know that there is a lot more to it than that. In fact the truth is that the two of them had been growing apart for some time before that but that was when that distance suddenly turned into a chasm.

Of course, even though that is something that I am going to have to look into sometime soon, I don't think that should be my top priority, not right now. Whatever happened between them I have no doubt as to the fact that Lee has already forgiven her... though --depending on what caused that rift in the first place-- getting Kara to forgive Lee may turn out to be a little more complicated.

I am still thinking about that when, as I am going over Cottle's words, I suddenly realize that there is something he _**isn't**_ saying.

"Wait, you said that both Lee and Sam will need to know but you only mentioned telling Sam when she starts coming around," I point out.

"Well, Anders is not military and he is not your son," he reminds me.

"In other words, you expect me to be the one to tell Lee," I say, not really looking forward to that particular conversation.

"Seeing how you already know I think that would be best... and you may want to do it sooner rather than later."

"But you are going to wait a few days before telling her husband."

"True, but then again her husband is not blaming himself for volunteering to open an airlock for her. That's the difference," he reminds me and I can't help but to acknowledge that he is right, that in Lee's case putting this off would only serve to make matters worse. The problem is that even though on a rational level I understand _**why**_ he is saying that it would be best for Lee to hear this from me and why he is saying that the sooner he is told about it, the better, the truth is that I don't want to be the one to tell him, especially not now, not while I'm still struggling to wrap my mind around the idea myself.

"I'll get to it but right now I want to know what are we supposed to be doing here," I say, realizing for the first time that everything Cottle had said up until now about what we can expect had been carefully edited to avoid any references to his suspicions.

"To tell you the truth I'm not entirely sure. I told you what the odds were and what I think some of the obstacles we are bound to encounter are likely to be but..."

"But what?" I prod, not liking that hesitation in the least. I've known Cottle for a very long time and experience has taught me that when he hesitates things are bad, very bad.

"But it's more complicated than that," he finally admits.

"Do I even want to know?" I ask, wondering if this can possibly get any worse.

"No, you don't, but you probably should."

"What is it?"

"Well, the truth is that when all is said and done, what we have here is a woman with an all-male support system and there's nothing we can do to change that. Now, knowing Starbuck, that suits her just fine and ninety-nine percent of the time it is not an issue, in fact she clearly prefers it that way... unfortunately this time around I suspect that we may well have stumbled onto that one percent and _**that**_ is likely to turn into a problem."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that if she needs someone to talk to she is unlikely to find anyone who can even begin to relate to what she is going through among those she trusts and that she is not likely to open up to someone she doesn't already trust so she is probably going to find herself stuck. Considering that you, your son and her husband are the three people she is closest to I would say that this could end up getting ugly fast because you would be hard pressed to find a less suitable lot to act as a support system if you tried. Hell, out of the three of you her husband is the only one who is not her superior officer, the only one she doesn't feel the need to act like a soldier with... and I'm afraid that that boy has already made such a mess out of things that there's no way she is going to be turning to him any time soon."

"So what do we do?"

"I'm not sure. Right now all I have is a whole lot of speculation and I'm still hoping to be wrong about this but..."

"But all the evidence seems to point in that direction," I finish for him, knowing that while what he is saying is technically true, the circumstantial evidence is pretty damn overwhelming.

"Yes... and I'm afraid that that may end up putting _**you**_ in a tough spot."

"Me?"

"Yes."

"Whatever she needs..." I say without even slowing down to consider what I could be volunteering for here, knowing all too well that I have an awful lot that I have to make up for in the first place.


	9. Chapter 9

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1.**_

Also please keep in mind that reviews make authors happy and research has shown that happy authors are twice as productive!

Chapter 9  
(Cottle's POV)

I look at Bill, not liking his compliance at all. Oh, I'm sure he means what he is saying but at the same time I get the feeling that what we have here is still primarily his guilt talking and I seriously doubt that is what Starbuck needs... not to mention that he obviously doesn't have a frakking clue as to what it is that he would probably be walking into.

"Would you be willing to listen --I mean really listen-- if she were to tell you _**exactly**_ what it was that the cylons did to her and if she were to do it emotionally, not mincing words or trying to present an 'objective' portrayal of her ordeal?" I ask, being deliberately blunt.

"I don't know," he admits, and I am relieved to see him looking pretty horrified at the thought.

"And that is exactly the problem because that may well turn out to be what she needs. Now, the good news is that she is unlikely to ask you to do it... and the bad news is that she is unlikely to ask you to do it."

"Care to run that by me again?"

"I mean that while I understand how hard hearing something like that would be for you and why you would be relieved if that _**wouldn't**_ happen, the bottom line is that she may well need that kind of relief and she is unlikely to find it elsewhere, not considering what the alternatives are."

"I hardly think I would be her first choice," Bill points out.

"I agree, and that's why I said that the total absence of women in her inner circle is likely to come back to haunt us here, because while you are anything but an ideal choice, there is no one that is better suited to do it either. Simply put, she has no one she can talk to, not openly and candidly. That may well end up forcing her to bottle this up and that in turn would be a recipe for disaster. In other words, chances are that Starbuck is going to need a shoulder to cry on and we all know how fond of crying that girl is to begin with."

"Not exactly her style."

"No, but then again, seeing how one of the first things I am going to have to do here is to take away most of her usual relief mechanisms, I don't think she is going to have much of a choice."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that frakking is probably going to be out of the question, at least for a while, and she is not going to be allowed to drink or fight for a very long time either."

"She is not going to take it well," he says, pointing out the obvious.

"No, but even though the first one of those is going to be up to her, at least as soon as she is a little stronger, the other two... let's just say that she is not going to be in any kind of shape to hit as much as a punching bag for a while and training with a live partner --one that can actually hit back-- is going to be out of the question for at least three months. As for the drinking, considering her current frame of mind, it could easily turn out to be a little too tempting for her under the circumstances and the risk of losing her to the bottle would be too high so I am going to be making that an order. That will leave talking as her only choice, at least for the time being."

"But why do you think that if she does turn to some one it will be to me?" asks Bill, sounding rather perplexed at the thought.

"Because, as I said, I'm afraid that her husband has already screwed things up by pushing her into a sexual relationship when she came back and..."

"And?"

"And even if he hadn't, out of the three of you, I think you are the one she is most likely to perceive as being 'safe'."

"'Safe'?"

"Yes, Anders may be her husband and that means that under normal circumstances he should have been her first choice but, well, the truth is that I'm just not sure that that level of trust was ever really there between the two of them and, even if it was, that trust has probably been too badly damaged by now anyway to be of much use. As for Apollo, he is her... actually I'm not sure how the frak I should describe the relationship between those two but the thing is that, as crazy as it sounds, out of the three of you, you are the one who comes closest to having something that could possibly be described as an uncomplicated, non-sexual relationship with her so --even though you are her CO and that is _**not**_ likely to help matters-- you are still the one she is most likely to feel safe with," I explain and I can see the disbelief in his eyes, a disbelief that reminds me of the fact that there is an awful lot I still don't know about what is going on here

"I'm not so sure about that," he insists, shaking his head.

"May I ask what the frak happened today?"

"Helo told me some of the things Kara and Saul had been saying in the rec room... how they were basically drinking and second-guessing the rescue, questioning the loyalty of the people who stayed with the battlestars, adding to a tension that was already running pretty high to begin with. I knew that that couldn't be allowed to continue so I challenged them to shoot me and then I told Saul to clean up his act. As for Kara I... I literally kicked her out of her chair, I called her a cancer and told her that she could either shape up or ship out," he reluctantly admits.

"And could I ask you what the frak were you thinking? You should have known better than that!"

"I know, I just... I miscalculated."

"You think? You have known Starbuck for a very long time and you should have realized that something big had to have happened to bring her to that point, especially because that _**wasn't**_ like her at all and you knew it."

"I guess I just didn't want to see, but the thing is that what you said about her trusting me, that may have been true once but after today there's no way that's going to happen."

"Oh, I'm not so sure about that. True, that will make it less likely --and it was unlikely enough to begin with-- but, as pathetic as this may sound, in spite of everything, out of the three of you you are still the one who has made the least of a mess out of things."

"That is hardly reassuring."

"Yes, and that means that we are going to have our work cut out for us here but we are still going to do it. The odds may be against her but there's no way I'm giving up on that girl, not now," I growl.

"You seem to be taking this rather personally," Bill points out.

"You are damned right I am. I should have taken the time to follow up on her after our return, especially considering how long she had been held by the cylons but I didn't... and I am determined to do whatever I have to do to fix this."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I messed up, just as much as any of you," I admit. "Yes, after we escaped from New Caprica things were crazy in here. Hell, the moment my shuttle landed I was dragged back to sickbay and didn't stop for forty-eight hours straight. As soon as one patient was taken out of surgery another one was immediately wheeled in and it just went on and on. We were swamped and understaffed, not to mention that our teamwork was more than a little rusty. That clearly contributed to her falling through the cracks, but that is no excuse and the bottom line is that I knew how long she had been missing and I should have taken the time to follow up on her case. I didn't."

"But would that really have changed anything?"

"I don't know... I _**can't**_ know. That is the problem. What I do know is that I have a young woman who damned near succeeded in killing herself because I was too busy to care and I can't stop thinking that if only standard procedures for dealing with former POWs had been followed that probably _**wouldn't**_ be the case. Of course, at the same time there is no denying that if we were to keep up the psych evaluation requirements before allowing people into the cockpit we would probably have run out of pilots a very long time ago. We are not near our breaking point here, we are way past it --all of us-- and there's not a frakking thing we can do about it but the bottom line is that we still need those pilots and there's no way around that."

"In other words, deciding who is 'fit enough' becomes a matter of degrees in uncharted territory. We keep going until we hit the wall and then we try to deal with the fallout as best we can, is that it?" asks Bill.

"Something like that," I agree. "You have to remember that even during the first cylon war people were rotating in and out of the front-lines, that when they were done fighting they still had something to look forward to, something to go home to, but now..."

"Now there is no such a thing as home to begin with. Our people have no hope left, they have nothing left but the fight itself --especially not after New Caprica-- and earth will only keep them going for so long. I know," he finishes for me, sounding almost defeated.

"I know you do," I say, deeply relieved to see that I am not the only one who is worried about that.


	10. Chapter 10

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1.**_

Also please keep in mind that reviews make authors happy and research has shown that happy authors are twice as productive!

Chapter 10  
(Lee's POV)

I'm still thinking, trying to figure out how things were ever allowed to get to this point as I try to rewrite the flight schedule when my father walks into my office, looking far worse than he did when I last saw him less than an hour ago.

"Is Kara...?" I ask, not quite daring to voice my concerns.

"She's fine... or at least no worse than she was when you last saw her," he reassures me.

"Then what...?"

"Walk with me," he says and something in his voice is enough to set me on edge, again.

"What happened?" I insist, even as I follow him through the familiar corridors.

"Not here," he says and I know I am not going to get anything else out of him... and that whatever it is that he has to tell me, chances are that I'm not going to like it, not one bit. After a few minutes we find ourselves in the training room. Seeing how it is the middle of the 'night' shift the place is virtually deserted, and as soon as we walk in dad clears it and closes the hatch, something I know is highly unusual.

"Grab some gloves," he orders.

I do as I am told, still not knowing what the frak is going on but having a very bad feeling about the whole thing. Once I'm ready he leads me to a punching bag and holds it for me.

"Start hitting."

"What?"

"I said start hitting."

"Fine, so are you going to tell me what this is about?" I ask, even as I throw a couple of punches and knowing that this is my father, not my CO, speaking.

"I was just talking to Cottle and there is something I think you should know," he begins, looking more than a little uncomfortable, and I know that that is not a good sign.

"What is it?"

"There is no easy way to say this but... he suspects that Kara may have been raped on New Caprica."

"_**What!?**_" I ask, not quite believing my ears.

"I said that..."

"I heard you," I interrupt him, not wanting to hear it again. "That's crazy!"

"Is it? We know the cylons are desperately looking for a way to reproduce, we know they had Kara for four months and we know she was singled out for 'special' treatment," he reminds me.

"So?" I ask, still refusing to even think about it.

"So you have to at least consider the possibility," he insists. "What do you think they were trying to accomplish?"

"I don't know," I snap, hitting the bag, hard.

"You know it's true."

"No, I don't," I reply. "As you said, this is just something Cottle suspects _**might**_ have happened. That doesn't mean it's true."

"And it doesn't mean it's not," he reminds me. "I know you don't want to hear this but... he did find some evidence, some _**medical**_ evidence."

"What do you mean?" I ask, unable to stop myself, even though I'm pretty sure I don't want to know.

"He found traces of fertility drugs in her bloodstream. Those didn't get there by accident and that, combined with what Sam told us about where he found her, to say nothing of the fact that Leoben had apparently managed to convince her that they were actually a 'family'..."

"Stop! You are wrong, you both are," I say, shaking my head.

"Why? Because you don't want it to be true? That's not how it works and you know it."

"I know but..."

"You are going to have to face this if you want to be able to help her, son," he interrupts me.

"I can't," I reply, not even wanting to think about it.

"You don't get a choice," he points out and something about that statement bothers me.

'Choice,' that word keeps ringing in my ears as I hit the bag time and time again, trying to make some sort of sense out of this whole mess. On the one hand I don't want to believe what my father is saying, I want to yell at him and tell him that he is wrong but on the other... on the other I can't help but to acknowledge that he is probably right and that brings me back to the fact that I don't have a choice, that I have to accept what he is telling me... just like Kara probably had no choice but to endure whatever it was that that frakking toaster did to her back on New Caprica. Just the thought of Kara being alone in a room with Leoben, at his mercy, is enough to make me sick.

No, it is too much and almost instinctively I find myself shaking my head, trying to dispel the image, but the thing is that if I can't bear thinking about it, how the frak did she manage to endure _**it**_ for four months? What did she have to do to survive and what did surviving do to her? I don't know, I can't even begin to imagine but I know Kara and I know how afraid she is of losing control. That is one of the reasons why she loves her viper so much... not to mention that it is also one of the main reasons why she keeps getting in so much trouble, why she has such a hard time following orders and doing as she is told.

The thing is that if what my father is saying is true then that is exactly what Leoben took away from her: her control over her life, her body and her destiny. Hell, even if my father is wrong that control was _**still**_ wrestled from her!

That is something I hadn't even allowed myself to consider before. It was easier for me to wrap myself in my anger than to try to see what was right in front of me, especially because deep down I already knew something was very, _**very**_ wrong, and Kara was the one who ended up paying for my cowardice.

Yes, I knew something was wrong but, seeing how I didn't have a frakking clue as to what the hell I was supposed to do about any of it, I did nothing. I just pretended that the problem wasn't there... and I don't think I was the only one.

"And what about Sam?" I ask, turning my attention back to my father, suddenly realizing that my arms are actually sore.

"Cottle wants to give him a couple of days to see if he manages to put two and two together on his own," he replies.

"Yeah, right," I snort, knowing that there's no way that's going to happen.

"There's nothing we can do, not until she starts coming around, so there's no point in telling him now. He has more than enough with trying to wrap his mind around the fact that his wife actually tried to kill herself," he explains.

"So why are you telling me?"

"Because I know you and you still think that this whole thing was your fault."

"And you think this changes anything?" I growl, glaring at him.

"No, it doesn't but Kara is going to need you and that is the most important thing. In spite of everything she is still our girl and right now she has to be our top priority. We can't let the guilt keep us from doing whatever we have to do to fix this mess. Yes, we pushed her over the edge, there's no denying that and that is something we are both going to have to learn to live with, but the bottom line is that we only pushed her over the edge because the cylons had already brought her to that point in the first place," he reminds me but somehow his words come out sounding rather hollow... and that is when I realize that I'm not the only one who is having a hard time trying to come to terms with this mess. Like he said, Kara is still _**our**_ girl and we failed her, both of us.


	11. Chapter 11

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

_**Also please note that reviews make authors happy and research has shown that happy authors are twice as productive!**_

Chapter 11  
(Adama's POV)

I'm alone in my quarters, still trying to figure out what the frak are we supposed to be doing about this whole situation with Kara and deeply relieved by the fact that at least in here I don't have to be 'The Admiral', that in the privacy of my own quarters no-one expects me to have all the answers, when all of a sudden I am interrupted by someone banging on the hatch... repeatedly.

That is not exactly an every day occurrence. I know that if there were some sort of crisis I would have received a call and that only a handful of people would be knocking on my quarters in the middle of the night wanting to talk to me... and none of those would be doing it with this kind of insistence, not under normal circumstances.

Rather annoyed --and more than a little worried-- I open the hatch and I am not particularly surprised to find a very drunk Saul Tigh sort of standing on the other side.

This is not something I want to deal with, not now --not to mention that if he is here then that means that word has already spread and that is not going to help matters-- but unfortunately it looks like I won't have much of a choice... on either count.

Sure, I know my people and I know my ship. They are, for the most part, a fairly tight-knit bunch and in spite of everything that has happened Kara is still an important part of the Galactica's 'family' --to say nothing of the fact that a lot of people actually owe her their lives-- so I knew all along that there was no way we could expect to keep this quiet in the long run but I had hoped that we would at least have a couple of days, especially because Cottle is _**not**_ going to be happy if he finds himself having to play guard dog to his patient on top of everything else. Unfortunately it looks like the cat is out of the bag now and we are going to have no choice but to deal with the fallout.

"What do you want, Saul?" I ask, really not in the mood for this and knowing all too well how nasty Saul can get when he is this drunk.

"I thought maybe you'd want someone to celebrate with. After all, this calls for a toast or two," he taunts me.

"There's nothing to celebrate and you know it," I growl, knowing better than to give in to his provocation.

"Oh, but I thought you wanted that cancer out of your ship, isn't that what you said, Bill?" he sneers at me even as I struggle to rein in my temper. The problem is that as much as I want to tell him to shut the hell up, the fact remains that he is only throwing my words back at me.

"I would suggest that you stop that... now," I warn him.

"Or what? You'll kick me out of my chair? Hell, I'm not even sitting down here," he says, laughing at his own 'joke'.

"You are drunk."

"So?"

"So you may want to shut up before you make me do something I'll regret."

"Like you did in that rec room? You were in fine form, weren't you?"

"That's not what this is about and you know it!"

"Isn't it? The high and mighty Bill Adama."

"Watch it, Saul," I growl.

"What? You don't like the truth?"

"This has nothing to do with the truth. You may be my friend but that will only get you so far," I warn him again, even though I know it's not going to do me much good, not with him being as drunk as he is.

"So you are going to make it two out of two for the day, your 'daughter' and your 'best friend', is that it?"

"Don't threaten me. You are responsible for your own actions."

"So this whole thing was her fault and she had it coming, is that what you are saying?"

"No, but..."

"You are not the only one who cares about her!" he interrupts me and something in that statement shocks me because in the end that is what this whole thing boils down to, that's why he is here.

"You are worried," I say, shaking my head and still having a hard time trying to wrap my mind around that particular concept, especially after years of having to mediate what seemed to be a never-ending war between the two of them.

"I went down to sickbay when I heard about it. Cottle wouldn't even let me see her. Told me to get the hell out of his sickbay, to go sleep the ambrosia off somewhere else," he mutters.

"She needs her rest and he is trying to keep her visitors down to a minimum."

"And I'm just a drunk, is that it?"

"No... maybe... part of it. You are going to be of no use to her in your current condition and you know it," I point out.

"I want to see her," he insists.

"Then get your act together because there's no way in hell Cottle is going to let you anywhere near her until you do and neither will I," I warn him.

"You are one piece of work, aren't you? I wasn't the one who landed her on that frakking bed in the first place, damn it!"

"No, you weren't but I am the one who is going to make sure she gets out of it alive and if that means keeping you away from her, so be it. Believe me, Saul, I don't need you to remind me of how badly I screwed up here, but I won't compound that mistake by letting you goad me into endangering her any further."

"So you are going to protect her from me now?" he laughs.

"If that's what it takes."

"You are going to lose her," he warns me.

"She is going to be fine," I say, not willing to consider any other outcome.

"Is she? How the frak do you know? You weren't there, you don't have a frakking clue as to what it was like to be trapped down on that gods-forsaken rock!" he insists.

"So why don't you tell me?" I challenge, knowing that I have to tread carefully here.

"It was hell, Bill... and you don't just shrug and walk out of hell."

* * *

_**Author's notes**_: Hi guys, okay three things first of all, thanks for reading, I really appreciate it (and maybe this would be a good opportunity to remind you that I absolutely love reviews). Second, in case anyone was following _**Long Shadows**_, I posted the last chapter last weekend but seeing how it was a holiday some people may have missed it. And finally a little heads up: for those of you who are itching to see Kara rejoin the world of the living... we are getting there so stay tuned (yes, I know, it was about time).

Okay, that's it for this week. Take care,

Alec


	12. Chapter 12

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1... and please review!_**

****

* * *

****

Chapter 12  
(Adama's POV)

I'm sitting with Kara, going over yet another pointless report in what seems to be an endless list of pointless reports when I hear a soft moan coming from the bed. It's not much but it is the first real sign of life I've seen in these past four days and as such it is incredibly reassuring. Of course, almost as soon as she begins to stir Kara is already reaching for the cannula under her nose so I grab her hand.

"Hey, don't do that," I say, as gently as I can.

"'urts," she whimpers.

"I know."

"what hppn'd?"

"You don't remember?"

"no... tired."

"Then sleep," I say, knowing that now is not the time for us to be getting into it.

"don't go," she whispers as she drifts off.

"I'm not going anywhere," I promise, not quite believing that she didn't kick me out as soon as she was able to form a semi-coherent thought here, not quite believing that --in spite of everything-- she is still squeezing my hand back and shows no inclination to let go of it any time soon.

True, she was still pretty out of it, she never even opened her eyes and I'm not sure she knew who I was but this was still more than I had dared to hope for and for the time being I just let the relief wash over me.

I am still holding Kara's hand when Cottle walks into her 'room'.

"So do I need a crowbar?" he asks as he approaches the bed to check on her.

"She woke up. It was only for a few seconds but..."

"It was about damned time," he mutters.

"I know, you told us yesterday that she would probably start coming around sometime today but..."

"Did she say anything?"

"Not much, just that it hurt, she asked me what had happened and then said she was tired... she also asked me not to leave."

"In other words, if I want you out of here I'm really going to need that crowbar," he says, shaking his head. "Don't worry, Anders next visit is still hours away so, as long as you promise to keep her calm, you can stay."

"Thanks."

* * *

A couple of hours later Kara stirs again and this time around she actually manages to open her eyes and I can see her trying to take in her surroundings before turning to me... and this time around there is no doubt in my mind as to the fact that she knows who I am. As reassuring as her new awareness is, in a way it is also a terrifying prospect.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" I ask, not sure of my welcome.

"Sore," she grimaces, licking her lips as she struggles to find a more comfortable position without much success.

"Do you remember what happened?" I prod and even though she just looks away at that, the look in her eyes is enough for me to realize that she does.

"Why, Kara?" I ask, unable to help myself, putting my finger under her chin and turning her face. I know that me questioning her is probably the last thing she needs right now but the truth is that I just can't help myself. I need some answers and I need them now.

"No escape... no way out," she whispers, still refusing to meet my eyes.

"But you are safe now, you got away," I remind her, suddenly unsure of whether or not she is fully aware of where she is and what is going on around her, but she just shakes her head at that.

"What is it?" I insist, starting to get worried when she doesn't respond. To say that this is not going as I had been hoping it would would be a gross understatement... and considering the fact that I really didn't have a frakking clue as to what to expect in the first place, that is saying something.

"It's just that..." she trails off.

"Just that what?" I prod, even though I know I shouldn't. I know she is still more than a little disoriented and I am well aware that I'm not playing fair here but at the same time I have no choice, not really. The way I see it we need to know what we are dealing with if we want to avoid a repeat performance and I know Kara well enough to know that if we were to give her half a chance to rebuild her defenses we would never get a straight answer out of her... and that means that our best bet is to pounce on her current 'weakness'.

"Back on New Caprica I... I kept telling myself that..."

"That what?"

"That if only I could hold on until you came back everything would be just fine, that if only I could hold on until we made it out of that frakking rock things would go back to the way they used to be but they didn't... and they won't," she finally admits, not even trying to fight the tears. It sounds so simple but it still takes a few seconds for the full meaning of those words to sink in. We were the hope she held on to for those four months --I was-- and as soon as she got back the first thing I did was dash it. **_That_** was what pushed her over the edge.

I am still trying to digest that one when she goes on.

"... can't forget... can't fly... can't sleep... always afraid... nothing's like it's supposed to be. I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted it all to go away."

"Hey, it's going to be fine," I lie to her, even though I know things are nowhere near okay but getting worried by how upset she is getting here. I know that letting my curiosity get the best of me was probably not the wisest thing I could have done, not to mention that I always knew that trying to question her under the current circumstances was a gamble, but the truth is that after these past few days I just had to get myself some answers. The problem is that now we are starting to move into dangerous territory, we are fast approaching the point where her telling me anything else would probably come back to haunt us and that is not a chance I'm willing to take, not with the stakes being as high as they are.

"No, it won't... you don't know what he... what he... and I keep seeing him..." she says, getting more and more agitated by the second.

"Shh, don't think about it. Right now you should just concentrate on getting better. That's the only thing that matters," I tell her, trying desperately to get her to stop talking, especially because I get the feeling that if she were to finish that thought she would **_really_** regret it later, not to mention that I know the stress can't possibly be good for her. I know that even talking right now is painful so it doesn't take a genius to figure out that hyperventilating is **_not_** going to do her much good... to say nothing of the fact that upsetting her would probably cause Cottle to kick me out of here in a heartbeat and that is the last thing **_I_** need.


	13. Chapter 13

**_For notes warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1... and please remember that the frquency of the updates updates is directly proportional to the number of reviews (okay, it's not, I'll keep updating this once a week whether you like it or not but reviews are still nice, very nice)_**

Chapter 13  
(Kara's POV)

The first thing I notice, even before I open my eyes, is the rather uncomfortable dryness in my nose but in spite of that I still have to look around to figure out where I am and to try to piece together how I got to be here in the first place. After a few seconds, however, the events of the past few --hours, days? I don't know-- start falling into place... or at least as close to their place as they are likely to get for the time being. The next thing I notice is that the old man is gone and that he has been replaced by my husband, who --come to think of it-- pretty much looks like hell.

"Sam," I whisper, drawing his attention to me.

"Kara? Hey, you are awake! Gods, it's so good to see you!" he exclaims, looking incredibly relieved and reaching for my hand.

"How long have I been here?" I ask, desperately needing to fill in some blanks.

"Four, almost five days."

"Frak!" I mutter, trying to wrap my mind around that concept. I had a feeling it had been a while, of course, but that's still a lot longer than I had been expecting.

"Don't ever scare me like that again!" he growls, even though he is still smiling at me.

"Sorry," I mumble.

"I was so worried. Do you need anything? What can I get you?" he babbles, rather nervously, not taking his eyes off of me and still not letting go of my hand. In fact he is shifting from his chair to the edge of my bed in order to get closer to me.

"No, I'm fine," I say, feeling more than a little uncomfortable under his scrutiny.

"Are you sure?," he asks, placing a soft kiss on my forehead and that's when things threaten to spin out of control. For a moment there I feel almost as if I were back on New Caprica, in that gods-forsaken cell, and I don't know what to do, especially because I am stuck in this bed and I can't get away. I try to remind myself that this is Sam, my husband. I try to tell myself that I love him, that I trust him and that he would never hurt me. I try to tell myself that he is **_not_** Leoben but, even though the rational part of my mind knows that, I can't help feeling trapped... especially when he moves from my forehead to my lips.

"No! Stop!" I manage to say but he's not listening. I try to push him away but I am too weak and he overpowers me without even acknowledging my struggle... just like Leoben used to do. I am trapped here and there's not a frakking thing I can do about it. That is why I am so incredibly relieved when he is interrupted by Cottle's gruff voice.

"What the frak do you think you are doing?" he growls.

"She is awake," says Sam, beaming at the doctor.

"I can see that but right now I want you the frak out of here."

"Why?"

"Because I say so."

"But I..."

"Out!" he insists, pointing at the curtain.

I watch Sam leave as I struggle to get my breathing under control but it's not working and the pain is getting progressively worse. That's when the panic really sets in.

"It's okay, Starbuck. He is gone now and he is not coming back, not unless you want him to," Cottle reassures me as he approaches the bed and I just nod at that.

"Just breathe with me, come on, Starbuck, you can do this, nice and easy. Breathe in... breathe out... breathe in... breathe out... in... out... that's it. Better?"

"Yeah," I whisper after what feels like ages, closing my eyes for a moment and feeling absolutely exhausted.

"So how are you feeling?"

"Like someone tried to gut me," I say, still more than a little shaken but knowing better than to try to bullshit the doc, especially because the truth is that that hurt... a lot.

"Well, that's because 'someone' did," he reminds me. "You gave us quite a scare, young lady."

"Sorry," I reply, knowing that when Cottle calls me 'young lady' it's bad.

"Do you want me to get the old man for you?" he asks gently and even though my first reaction at that is to say 'yes', all of a sudden I find myself hesitating as I remember my last encounter with him... no, it was not my last encounter with him. He was here when I woke up before. Sure, I'm still more than a little fuzzy on the details but I remember that much. I remember him sitting with me, holding my hand, and I remember feeling safe but that doesn't make sense... not after he...

I shake my head at that, trying to clear it, especially because Cottle is still waiting for an answer. The problem is that I don't know what to tell him. Do I want the old man here? Yes, I want him here with me --more than anything-- but at the same time I don't want to be reminded of how much he **_doesn't_** want me here... of how much of a disappointment I am to him... of how badly I screwed up and how much he hates me... especially because I know he has every reason to do so.

"He is probably busy," I finally say, wanting to avoid the whole issue and knowing that to be true.

"Why don't we let him decide then? I'll just let him know that you are awake," he replies, looking at me and something about this whole thing just feels **_off_** somehow, the problem is that I can't quite put my finger on the how.

"Okay," I reluctantly agree, knowing better than to try to fight Cottle on this one.

After he leaves I close my eyes trying to gather my thoughts. This is the first real chance I've had to try to do that since I woke up and even though I still feel like I am trying to think through sludge... well, at least I can actually **_think_**. That's progress!

The thing is that I can't believe it's been more than four days since I...

That means it was bad, not to mention that Cottle was actually being gentle with me. That's another red flag right there... hell, up until a few minutes ago I didn't even know Cottle could **_do_** gentle! And then there is Sam, both because of his actions and my reactions. That is the part I **_really_** don't want to dwell on.

Sure, now that he is gone I can see that I had no reason to freak out like I did but the problem is that it is nowhere near that simple. Now that he is gone I can see his relief for what it was but at the same time I... I was scared and I couldn't help it. That is the truth and somehow I don't think that is a good thing. He is my husband for frak's sake and he wasn't going to hurt me, even the rational part of my mind knew that!

In fact that's yet another thing that doesn't make sense here. Given that Sam is my husband and if he clearly wasn't a threat and if it was apparent that he wasn't going to hurt me, why the frak did Cottle kick him out of here in the first place? Sure, I was scared and I wanted him to stop --desperately-- but the doc couldn't possibly have known that and yet when he walked in on us he was fuming and he didn't hesitate to order him out of here. Why?

I don't know, not really, but my gut tells me that I'm not going to like the answer to that one, not one bit.

It could be something as simple as the fact that he wanted me to get some rest, of course, but somehow that just doesn't add up, not really. If that had been the case he might have told Sam to stop but he wouldn't have gone so far as to kick him out, not before he even got a look at me... and with Sam literally on top of me there was no way he could have done that. So we have one puzzle there and another one in how he helped me calm down.

Sure, at first glance that doesn't sound like that big a deal, but the thing is that he wasn't surprised by my reaction, he never tried to ask me what was wrong or what was going on... in fact it was almost as if he had been expecting it all along and the bottom line is that Cottle may be good but he is not **_that_** good.

That is somewhat disturbing, especially because a picture is starting to emerge, one I definitely **_don't_** like. The way I see it, the only way he could have known how I was going to react was if he had already been expecting that reaction in the first place, if he knew what was causing it to begin with... and that would also explain why he didn't hesitate to kick Sam out of here.

That is not a pleasant thought --far from it-- but, to make matters worse, there is also the fact that the first thing Cottle did as soon as I calmed down was to volunteer to get the old man here for me... and my gut tells me that that means that, if the doc knows, then chances are he is not the only one.


	14. Chapter 14

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

**_Also please keep in mind that reviews make authors happy and happy authors are twice as productive!_**

Chapter 14  
(Sam's POV)

I am still trying to figure out what the frak happened in there as I wait for the doctor to deign talk to me when I see the Admiral walk in and then, after a quick exchange with Cottle, go in to see Kara. That is the last straw.

I mean, I know that the Galactica is a battlestar and he is her CO but for frak's sake she is **_my_** wife, so how come he is in there and I am out here?

I am still fuming about that, especially because both he and his son have already admitted to having played a rather large role in her ending up here in the first place, when Cottle **_finally_** turns his attention to me.

"Would you mind telling me what the frak did you think you were doing?" he growls.

"Hey, what did I do?" I ask, not quite believing my ears.

"In there, what could you possibly have been thinking?"

"I was just kissing my wife for frak's sake... and I was being careful not to hurt her!" I exclaim, more than a little fed up with this whole situation.

"Nowhere near careful enough," he mutters.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I ask and he just looks at me at that, taking a deep breath.

"I'm saying that you obviously don't have a frakking clue as to what it is that you are dealing with here, though I have to admit that that is probably as much my fault as it is yours, but then again I wasn't exactly expecting you to make such a mess out of things without even trying."

"What is this all about?"

"I need you to tell me everything you know about what happened to Starbuck back on New Caprica," he says, all but ignoring my question.

"I already did."

"No, you told me where you found her but that was the extent of it."

"Yes, well, that's because that's about the only thing I know for sure. Kara wouldn't even mention it and she let me know in no uncertain terms that the subject was off limits."

"And after four months you didn't push?"

"Do you **_know_** my wife?" I snort, openly rolling my eyes at the doctor at that.

"Fair enough."

"What is this all about?"

"That's what we are still trying to piece together but..."

"But what?"

"But off the top of your head, if you were to see a man, a woman and a child living together, how would you describe them?" he asks out of nowhere.

"As a family," I reply without even thinking about it.

"Exactly and, back on New Caprica, where did you find Starbuck?"

"In an apartment with Leoben and a little... frak!" I exclaim as I finally realize what he is getting at with this line of questioning and not quite believing that I had never even considered the possibility before, especially because --as I think back to Kara's behavior in these past few days--I can't help but to acknowledge that it would explain a lot.

"That about sums it up, doesn't it?"

"Are you saying that that frakking toaster?... no," I trail off, shaking my head, even though deep down I know he is right.

"Why not?"

"Because you said a man, a woman and a child... and that damned thing is **_not_** a man," I manage to spit out.

"Semantics."

"I want to talk to her."

"No."

"She is my wife!"

"Right now I don't particularly care. She may be your wife but she is my patient first and until she tells me that she wants to see you you are not going anywhere near her and that's final."

"But I have to tell her that I..."

"What? That you are sorry? It's not going to happen, not now. In case you haven't noticed, this is not about what you need and it's certainly not about what you want."

"You can't do this!" I exclaim, not willing to take 'no' for an answer.

"Believe me, I can and I warned you going in that once she started coming around I was going to be taking my cues from her in terms of who was going to be allowed to see her and when. Listen, give it a few days and, if she doesn't ask to see you, when she is a little stronger I may reconsider the possibility of pushing the issue but right now that kind of stress is the last thing she needs and she is my top priority."

"Does the Admiral know?" I finally ask, thinking back to their little exchange a few minutes ago.

"Yes."

"And Apollo?"

"The old man filled him in."

"And why didn't anyone tell me? I'm her husband for frak's sake, didn't you people think that maybe I had a right to know?"

"Because there was no point in telling you while she was unconscious and I was hoping you would manage to figure it out on your own. Besides, at least for today, I didn't want you making matters worse by walking on eggshells around her, and that is exactly what would have happened if I had told you right before you went in. That may have been a mistake but it's done and there is no turning back."

"Is she going to be okay?"

"I don't know, I really don't know. From a medical perspective I can tell you that she is essentially out of danger but other than that... it's a mess, and this latest incident is not likely to help matters."

"Take care of her," I finally say, feeling almost literally sick as I force myself to walk out of sickbay.

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Sorry about the short and less that stellar chapter. I am still having a hard time trying to get into Sam's mind. I promise I'll try to do better next week!

Thanks for reading,

Alec


	15. Chapter 15

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1... and don't forget to review!_**

Chapter 15  
(Adama's POV)

As soon as I walk into sickbay Cottle pulls me aside and explains to me what happened with Sam and, even though my gut reaction at that is to want to throttle Kara's husband for what he did, there is also a rational part of my mind that can't help but to acknowledge that something like that was probably unavoidable.

Pulling the curtain aside I see that Kara is looking away from me and, even though I can't see her face, something in her posture makes me realize that there is something very wrong here.

"Hey," I say, hoping that she will at least look at me but she doesn't, in fact she just tenses even more at the sound of my voice.

"Kara, would you look at me please?" I ask, and she does so reluctantly but she doesn't say anything.

"What is it?" I insist but she still won't talk to me. She just shakes her head at that, pressing her lips together.

"He is gone now," I say, trying to reassure her, but she just looks away again at that, letting me know in no uncertain terms that that is not what this is about.

"Talk to me," I all but beg, not quite knowing what else to do here.

"Why?" she finally asks.

"Why what?" I prod, not really understanding what she could possibly mean by that.

"Why is he gone," she explains. Unfortunately that 'explanation' is not much help either and I still don't have a clue as to what it is that she is talking about.

"I'm afraid I don't understand," I admit, feeling more than a little puzzled.

"It's nothing," she whispers, and the truth is that I just don't know what am I supposed to be doing here. On the one hand I want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her until she tells me what the frak is going on --especially because this despondent Kara scares the hell out of me-- but on the other I know that that is precisely what I can't afford to do, not under the circumstances.

"What is it?" I insist, not knowing what else to do and painfully aware of the fact that I am completely out of my depth here.

"You know," she replies, still not meeting my eyes, but the problem is that I **_don't_** know... or maybe it's just that I don't know what it is that she thinks I am supposed to know in the first place. Am I supposed to know what's bothering her or is she talking about something else entirely? I don't have a clue... in fact the only thing I know for sure is that something has changed since I last saw her, something that goes a lot deeper than her husband's less than unexpected bout of stupidity.

"No, I don't."

"Why are you here?" she asks after what feels like ages, finally meeting my eyes... in fact she seems to be almost challenging me.

"I'm here because I care," I say, willing her to believe me.

"Right," she snorts, looking away once more at that but at least now I have a clue as to what I'm dealing with here and the truth is that it scares the hell out of me. The way I see it, chances are that she remembers our last encounter, that's what's changed. I had been dreading something like this almost from the beginning, of course, but at the same time I was not ready to deal with it... I was nowhere near ready.

"Kara, please... I'm sorry," I say, knowing that if there ever was a case of too little, too late this is almost certainly it but needing her to believe me.

"Why? You were right... about everything," she replies, sounding more than a little baffled at that.

"**_WHAT?!_**" I exclaim, totally taken aback by her response. I had been expecting her anger, not her acceptance and in a way that is much worse.

"I just can't..." she trails off.

"You can't what?" I ask, trying desperately to understand.

"It doesn't matter," she sighs, looking incredibly tired.

"Kara, listen to me, I was wrong, you hear me? I was wrong."

"No, you weren't, I..."

"Kara, look at me, please," I say for what feels like the umpteenth time. "I was out of line and you certainly did not deserve that."

"Right," she whispers.

"You didn't," I insist, willing her to believe me, even though I suspect that what I can see here is just the tip of a very big and nasty iceberg... especially because all of a sudden I find myself remembering her earlier comment, the one that **_didn't_** seem to make sense, at least not at the time: 'you know'. That's what she said and even though when she said it I couldn't figure out what she could possibly mean by that, I couldn't figure out what it was that I was supposed to know in the first place, now I am starting to suspect that I do. I know what happened to her on New Caprica --or at least I have a general idea-- but she never told me about it... and chances are that she never intended for me to find out either.

That would certainly explain both her words and her reaction but at the same time that is far from a comforting thought, especially because I am almost painfully aware of the fact that I am completely out of my depth here. The problem is that, even though I don't really know what the frak it is that I am supposed to be doing here, I don't have a choice but to try to deal with this mess anyway... even if I don't really know where to begin.

The way I see it we have at least three problems layered on top of each other here. We have what the cylons did to her, we have what we did to her upon her return and we have the fact that we know what the cylons did to her even though she never meant to tell us about it, even though she never wanted us to find out. Any one of those three things on their own would almost certainly have been enough to push anyone over the edge but to have to deal with all three of them combined and compounding each other...


	16. Chapter 16

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1. Also please remember that reviews make authors happy and research has shown that happy authors are twice as productive!_**

Chapter 16  
(Kara's POV)

I am beyond exhausted and, to make matters worse, none of this makes any sense at all. Those are the two thoughts that keep running through my mind as the old man tries to convince me that I didn't deserve what he said to me back in that rec room, even though we both know I did... though now that I think about it, maybe he **_really_** doesn't know.

Oh, I know he knows something, that much is obvious, but the question is how much. The truth is that I'm not sure about that but the way I see it, if what he has is only a general idea --if he suspects what was done to me but has no clue of the role I played in the whole thing-- then maybe this particular scene would actually make some sense... not much, but some.

The problem is that if that is the case then sooner or later I am going to have to tell him the truth and I know that the longer I wait, the harder this is going to get. In fact the reasonable part of my mind knows that I should probably tell him now and get this over with once and for all but I can't bring myself to do it, not yet.

As stupid and as cowardly as it sounds, there is a part of me that still wants to be able to pretend that he cares, that he **_doesn't _**hate me, there is a part of me that still wants to cling to whatever comfort it can find in the old man's presence and pretend that things can go back to the way they used to be... even though deep down I know there's no way that's ever going to happen and that when that support is finally taken from me, as I know it will be, it's going to hurt twice as much.

Oh, I'm not kidding myself in that regard. I know what I did and I know there's no way in hell the old man is going to forgive me for that one, not ever. I know that in the end I did give in, that in the end I did everything Leoben wanted me to and then some and I didn't do it because I didn't have a choice, I didn't even do it because I feared for my life. I did it simply because submitting was easier, because fighting was just too hard and I didn't see the point... I did it because I gave up hope, because I was too damned weak and because the more I struggled the more it hurt.

Hell, for the most part after the first couple of days I didn't even **_pretend_** to put up a fight. Sure, up until the last minute whenever I saw an opening to 'kill' Leoben's latest body I took it --not that it did me much good, hell, the bastard basically saw that as a form of foreplay-- but other than that... other than that I just let him do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted.

The question is what am I supposed to do about this whole mess **_now_**... especially because the old man is still waiting for some sort of answer, the problem is that I don't have a clue as to what the frak it is that I am supposed to be saying here. I can't lie to him --he deserves better than that and I know it-- but at the same time I can't bring myself to tell him the truth either... I can't tell him that, in the end, I was Leoben's willing whore.

"Please," I find myself pleading almost without realizing it, even though I'm not entirely sure I know what it is that I am actually pleading for. In fact the only thing I know for sure is that I can't do this.

"What is it, Kara? Whatever it is don't shut me out here," he all but begs, catching me totally off-guard with his concern.

"I can't, it's too much, I just..." I trail off, trying --and failing-- to keep myself from crying... another frakking reminder of just how pathetically weak I really am.

"It's okay, it's going to be fine," he says, reaching for my hand.

"No, it's not," I whisper almost to myself, but he hears me anyway.

"What do you mean?" he asks rather hesitatingly, looking almost as if he were afraid of what my answer might be.

"It's nothing," I say, trying to reassure him, though I can see by the look in his eyes that it's not working.

"Don't lie to me, Kara."

"You don't understand... I..."

"You what?" he prods but I just shake my head at that, still not knowing what to say or how to explain.

"You can't talk about it?" he asks gently.

"No," I whisper, even though I know that that's not entirely true. It's not so much that I **_can't_** talk about it, it's more that I don't want to --that I **_really_** don't want to-- but if he is willing to cut me some slack and give me a way out of this one, at least for the time being, I sure as hell am not going to complain.

"Then you don't have to... just rest now but I want you to promise me something: I want you to promise me that if it ever gets to be too much for you again you will come to me first, that you won't try something like this ever again," he says as he wipes my tears away.

"I promise," I reply even as I vow to myself that, if it comes to that, the next time I won't **_try_**...

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Hi guys, first of all, sorry about the delay in getting this chapter out, for some reason I had a very hard time writing it and then --to make matters worse-- this morning I woke up to discover that my ISP was down due to 'maintenance'.

Also, this is one of those chapters that may seem a little confusing if you haven't read 'Control'... unfortunately it couldn't really be avoided.

Okay, that's it for now, thanks for reading and please review, especially because I'm still somewhat worried about how this chapter reads so feedback is really appreciated! Thanks again and take care,

Alec


	17. Chapter 17

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1. Also please remember that reviews make authors happy and research has shown that happy authors are twice as productive so please review!_**

Chapter 17  
(Lee's POV)

After days of worrying and seeing Kara so frakking motionless I would have sworn that pretty much anything would have been an improvement... and I would have been wrong about that.

Oh, I'm definitely glad to see that she is awake, that she is actually aware of my presence here. That is certainly a relief but at the same time I have to say that this whole situation feels incredibly awkward. Kara is my best friend for frak's sake --or at least she used to be-- but I don't have a clue of what I am supposed to say to her... not now that I am aware of what that frakking toaster did to her.

That is something I'm still having a very hard time trying to come to terms with. Sure, the rational part of my brain knows that we should probably have considered the possibility of something like that from the moment she came back but at the same time... at the same time she is supposed to be Starbuck and this shouldn't have happened to her, gods-damn it!

Of course, on top of that there is also the role I had to play in this whole fiasco, can't forget about that. Hell, if I were to start counting all the ways in which we have frakked up since New Caprica... and then there is Dee.

Oh, she hasn't really **_said_** anything about it --she is not stupid and she certainly knows better than to push the issue, at least for the time being-- but that doesn't mean she hasn't let me know in no uncertain terms that she is not happy about how much time I am spending here, the thing is that I don't particularly care. Sure, I understand where she is coming from, after all she is my wife and I do realize how hard this must be for her, but at the same time... at the same time as far as I am concerned Kara needs me and, as long as that is the case, she comes first. That is precisely the problem.

The problem is that Dee isn't the problem. The problem is that she is nothing but a footnote in all of this, that if I had to choose between her and Kara there is no doubt in my mind as to what my choice would be. Sure, these are anything but ordinary circumstances and I know it. Dee may be somewhat annoyed by the fact that I've basically moved into sickbay --or I would have if only Cottle would allow it-- but Kara's life is literally on the line here and that means she gets to take priority... though at the same time I know it goes a lot deeper than that.

The truth is that if I were to make a list of the people I care the most about Kara and my dad would be at the top... and Dee would be --at best-- a very distant third. That is not the way it is supposed to be and I know it. I know she is my wife and I know she deserves better than that, but at the same time that is the way it is and I really can't help it.

I may be married to Dee but my bond with Kara runs deeper than that, it always has and--no matter how hard I've tried to fight it-- the truth is that that bond has only been strengthened since the worlds ended. Kara may not be my wife but she is my wingman, my partner, my equal and I can't afford to lose her, not after everything we've been through. That is what makes this whole situation so tricky.

I mean, I know I have to tread carefully here, I would have known that even if dad hadn't told me... what he told me, but knowing **_that_** certainly hasn't helped matters. Hell, even after all this time I still can't even think about **_it_** without feeling almost literally sick but at the same time I am almost painfully aware of the fact that that's not going to help matters here, nowhere near it. I may have this overwhelming need to wrap Kara in cotton and keep her safe but the thing is that, in spite of everything, she is still Starbuck and I know enough to know that trying to 'keep her safe' is not likely to do me much good.

"So... um... how are you?" I finally ask, feeling more than a little stupid at that.

"How do you think?" she retorts, rolling her eyes at me, though I can see that, even though she is trying hard to keep her tone light, her heart really isn't in it... not that that is particularly surprising.

"That great, uh?"

"Yeah," she whispers.

"So..."

"So," she replies and I realize that I am actually going to have to say something here, that our halfhearted banter is not going to get us anywhere, not this time around... that whether we like it or not we are actually going to have to **_talk_**.

"I'm sorry," I blurt out.

"Whatever for?" she asks with some suspicion.

"For what happened before, for what I said back in the hangar-deck... I..." I trail off.

"Not you too," she mutters, sounding more than a little pissed.

"What?" I ask, taken somewhat aback by the sudden change in her demeanor.

"You know... they frakking told you," she accuses, glaring at me with everything she's got, and even though she doesn't say what 'it' is that she thinks 'they' told me, the truth is that she doesn't have to.

"I..." I begin.

"Don't even bother," she interrupts me before turning away.

"Kara, don't do that, please," I plead, even though I am not really sure what the frak it is that I am supposed to be saying here, all I know is that there's no way in hell I can't leave it like this. Oh, I knew all along that this was a possibility --after all, Cottle did fill me in on what had happened with both my dad and Sam before I came in here-- but I had honestly hoped it wouldn't come to this.

"I don't want your frakking pity, Adama," she growls.

"And you don't have it. I'm just worried about..."

"Bullshit," she all but yells at me and, as weird as it sounds, I find her anger to be oddly reassuring. Oh, I'm not kidding myself here. I know this is a mess and I know we have a very long way to go before things are back to anything remotely resembling normal between us but if nothing else at least her anger is familiar, it is something I have encountered countless times before and it is something I certainly know how to deal with... or I would if I weren't so frakking worried about the possibility of making an even bigger mess out of this one.

The problem is that while on the one hand I know her well enough to know that coddling her is unlikely to do me much good, on the other I also know I don't have the facts to even begin to think about confronting her, not yet.


	18. Chapter 18

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1. Also please remember that reviews make authors happy and research has shown that happy authors are twice as productive!_**

Chapter 18  
(Kara's POV)

Frak, _frak_, **_frak_**! Okay, so I guess I probably should have seen this one coming from miles away but still... **_FRAK!_** As if having Cottle and the Old Man know weren't bad enough already, now I also have to add Lee's name to that frakking list... and, now that I think about it, Sam's.

I can only hope that that is the extent of it but at the same time I know that, even if it is, it is unlikely to stay that way for long. True, the Galactica is not exactly the smallest of ships but that doesn't mean we have much privacy and the bottom line is that secrets are all but impossible to keep around here. We live in cramped quarters, we bunk together, we eat together and we fight together. That is usually a good thing, seeing how out here we literally have to rely on each other if we want to stay alive, but not this time around.

The problem is that I don't know what the frak it is that I am supposed to be doing here, though I do know I have to say something... not that that is likely to do me much good.

"I am still me," I whisper, praying that he will understand, even though deep down I already know he won't.

"Kara..."

"Don't you dare, Lee! I'm not broken, gods-damn it!" I growl, trying to regain some semblance of control over the situation... or maybe I should make that trying to **_gain_** some semblance of control over it because the truth is that right now I have none.

"Yes, well, there's a hole in your gut that begs to differ," he reminds me, not willing to back down. "Why did you do it?"

"You wouldn't understand," I say, wishing that he would just let it go but knowing him well enough to realize that there's no way in hell that's going to happen, not now.

"Then make me," he challenges.

"I can't."

"I'm sorry," he blurts out.

"What?" I ask, wondering where the frak did that come from. I mean, only a few seconds ago he was actually reminding me of the 'hole in my gut' as he not-so-subtly put it and now all of a sudden he is apologizing for the gods know what. That is confusing to say the least and I am already confused enough, thank you oh so very much. Of course, if I were to be honest with myself I would also have to admit that he is not the only one who is feeling more than a little lost here. The truth is that right now I don't even know what I want. Do I want him to back off or do I want him to understand? I'm not sure. I guess if I were to be honest with myself I would have to say that I want him to understand without knowing but, of course, I also know that that is not really an option.

"You are my friend, Kara, and I..."

"Could have fooled me," I mutter.

"Yes, well, I may have messed up but I certainly wasn't the only one. We both frakked up but... the bottom line is that I don't want to lose you."

"Right," I snort, unable to keep the bitterness and the disbelief out of my voice as I think back to everything that has happened in the last year and a half, from me shooting him, to New Caprica and...

"Hear me out, you have every right to be pissed and I know it but please... I don't want to fight you, not now."

"I know, I'm sorry, it's just that..." I trail off, not quite knowing how to explain.

"That what?" he prods.

"It's a mess," I whisper.

"**_What_** is a mess?"

"Everything. It's all messed up and everyone knows."

"Not everyone, just dad, Cottle and me," he reassures me... or tries to.

"And Sam," I remind him.

"Yes," he grudgingly admits.

"So what the frak am I supposed to do now?"

"I know it's hard, believe me, I get that part but... we care about you, all of us, and it's going to be fine. It will probably take a while, I'll give you that, but in the end it will be fine."

"No, it won't."

"Do you really think this changes anything? Do you honestly believe that I am going to think any less of you because of what that damned **_thing_** did to you? Gods, Kara, do you think so little of me?"

"Yes," I all but yell at him, not quite believing the fact that Lee is lying to me, that he is actually trying to protect me... that he thinks I am too frakking weak to handle the truth. Sure, we've had our ups and downs --more downs than ups recently-- but he's never done that before and I know that this is just the beginning. I know this is what's in store for me, I know this is what I have to look forward to: this really disgusting mixture of pity and contempt. That is not a pleasant prospect but at the same time I know there is nothing I can do about it... and that in the end I only have myself to blame, after all I'm the one that messed up here. Hell, I couldn't even put a clean end to this when I had the chance and now doing that is going to be all but impossible.

"Gods, Kara, you were drowning and I didn't even notice that you were hurting at all. I should have been there for you, supporting you, but I just kept pushing you down instead."

"Do you really think it is that simple?" I ask, shaking my head at that.

"I don't know, okay? All I know is that I frakked up and you damn near died as a result!"

"For frak's sake, Lee, get over yourself!"

"You can't deny that..." he begins but he stops when the curtain is pulled open and Cottle walks in, glaring at him... glaring at both of us.

"Now, that is enough you two. You," he says pointing at Lee," should know better than to let her goad you into a fight, at least for the time being, and you," he adds turning his attention to me, "you, young lady, are not allowed to go pushing the major's buttons until I say so and that's an order, do I make myself clear?"


	19. Chapter 19

**_For notes, warning and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 19  
(Cottle's POV)

As soon as the Old Man walks into sickbay I move to intercept him, knowing that a couple of things are going to have to change around here... and that I'm going to need his help if I want to make those changes.

"Bill, do you have a minute?"

"Sure, is there a problem? Is Kara okay?"

"She is fine, don't worry," I reassure him. "In fact that's precisely the reason why I wanted to talk to you in the first place: I think the time has come for us to start pushing a little and I'm afraid I'm going to need you to give me a hand in that regard."

"What do you have in mind?"

"Nothing as awful as you are probably thinking. Could you help her walk a few corridors today?"

"Are you sure that's such a good idea? I mean, isn't it too soon?" he asks, sounding rather worried and I can barely keep myself from rolling my eyes at that... I mean, is there even such a thing as a 'father hen'?

"Not really. She's been here for over a week now and you know it. In fact, if anything, I would have to say that I have already put it off for a lot longer than I probably should have, though the fact that she was sedated for most of that week obviously played a major role in that decision. The thing is that that sedative is completely out of her system by now, I'm already cutting back on her painkillers and even the stitches should be coming out within the next forty-eight hours or so, so there's no way that taking a few steps is going to aggravate matters. The problem is that while from a physical perspective she is more than ready to do it, right now she is in hiding... and that is precisely why I need your help here."

"In hiding? Starbuck?" he asks with a hint of disbelief in his voice.

"Well, 'in hiding' may not have been the best way to phrase it but for better or for worse that girl has a lot of friends on this ship and that means that there are a lot of people who are worried about her," I remind him. "Hell, I've already had to warn about half your crew that the next time I catch them trying to sneak in here for no good reason they **_will_** find themselves on the receiving end of a complete and **_painful_** physical. The thing is that while I can certainly understand **_why_** she may be reluctant to face them, I can't let her stay in here forever... and that's why I need someone with her who can actually keep her friends from pouncing on her."

"In other words, you want me to run interference."

"Well, you are 'The Admiral' so if anyone can do it it's bound to be you. The problem is that while in here I can shield her from her friends' good intentions --at least to some extent-- as soon as she sets foot out that door I am going to lose whatever control I have over that particular situation and I'd rather not take any unnecessary chances. From a physical perspective she may be more than ready to get out of that bed but emotionally that girl is still a frakking mess. She hasn't even begun to deal with any of this and I don't want people who are not fully aware of what is going on, and of just how delicate the situation really is, trying to push her."

"I see," he says, still sounding rather worried as he makes his way to the curtained area that has all but become an extension of his quarters in these past few days.

"Hi, Kara," Bill greets her as soon as we walk in, making a deliberate attempt to sound as relaxed and as casual as possible, though anyone who knows him would be able to tell right away that that is nothing but a facade... and a pretty flimsy one at that.

"Sir," she replies, looking at both of us with some mistrust and obviously sensing that something is up.

"So, Starbuck, how do you feel about the idea of going for a little walk? I hear that the weather is nice outside this time of year," I say, trying to keep things light and not wanting to make it an order --at least not yet-- though I know that in the end I'll probably have no choice but to do just that.

"Actually, it's the vacuum of space out there... though now that you mention it, that does sound kind of nice."

"Don't even joke about it, Kara!" growls Bill, sounding rather pained at that and obviously not finding it funny in the least.

"I'm sorry, sir, it's just that... **_WHAT!?_**" she exclaims, glaring at me.

"You heard me, Starbuck."

"Well, if it's all the same to you, I think I'll pass," she says, crossing her arms and almost daring me to push the issue.

"Okay, then let's see if I can sweeten the deal for you: you get your butt out of that bed and let the admiral take you out for a five minute walk then, when lunch comes around, you actually try to eat something and not just push your food around on your plate. Now, it doesn't have to be much and I certainly don't expect you to eat a full meal, not yet, but I do want you to get at least a couple of bites down..."

"You've got to be frakking kidding me," she mutters, looking almost green at the thought, not that that is particularly surprising. In fact I knew all along that that was likely to be an issue. After all, I am well aware of what happened yesterday when she tried it for the first time: she failed to take into account just how careful she had to be and ended up eating a little faster than she probably should have. That triggered a gag reflex that, while not entirely unexpected, was still excruciatingly painful and left her feeling more than a little reluctant to try again. Now, I know she is unlikely to make the same mistake twice but that doesn't mean that getting her over that initial reluctance is going to be easy... and that in turn means that I am going to have to play dirty here.

"Oh, I get that but we haven't gotten anywhere near the best part yet."

"The best part?"

"Well, I did say it was a 'deal', didn't I?" I remind her.

"What kind of deal?" she asks, eying me with some suspicion.

"If you do as you are told then later today I'll have Ishay help you to the head where you get to take a real shower and --if you can manage that-- you can then be rid of both bedpans and sponge baths... unless you are actually enjoying them, of course."

"Not really, but..."

"That's my final offer, Starbuck. Take it or leave it," I warn her, seeing that she is getting ready to argue and knowing that this is not really open for debate.

"Fine, I'll take it," she growls while muttering something under her breath, something I can't quite make out though I am fairly certain I heard something that was less than flattering about my ancestry somewhere in there.

Oh, well, after all she **_is_** Starbuck and the good news is that at least she agreed to play along. That is a good sign. Besides, knowing this girl like I do, I have to say that what would have been troubling would have been if she had actually been **_nice_** about it.


	20. Chapter 20

**_For notes warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

**_Also please keep in mind that reviews make authors happy and research has shown that happy authors are twice as productive! (okay, so I'll update weekly whether you review or not but those reviews really make my day so please, if you have a minute, drop me a line and tell me what you think)._**

Chapter 20  
(Adama's POV)

I have to say that this whole situation is beyond awkward.

We are right outside of sickbay and I can definitely see why Cottle said that he needed someone to run interference for him. Honestly, I didn't really expect it to be this bad but we have only been out here for about a minute and in that time I have already found myself glaring at at least half a dozen people, silently warning them to keep their distance... and I suspect that that is only going to get worse as word of this little adventure spreads throughout the ship.

Luckily this particular excursion will only last a couple of minutes so I'm hoping that we will be back to the relative safety of sickbay long before her friends actually hear about it but at the same time I know this is far from a one time deal. I know these exercises are likely to become a regular part of our routine for at least the next few days, and the bottom line is that while today we may be able to get off relatively easy, that won't always be the case... especially not considering that these walks are only going to get longer as Kara regains her strength.

The problem is that I know her well enough to know how much she hates showing signs of weakness and I can only imagine how uncomfortable she must be feeling right now, with those 'weaknesses' virtually on display... to say nothing of the fact that it is pretty apparent that she is still in a considerable amount of pain.

Oh, she hasn't really said anything about it but I can tell... not to mention that I can also remember how it felt to be where she is. After all, I was myself in that position after being shot and I have to say that it was anything but fun. I remember that the sudden weakness was... disconcerting, to say the least. True, on a rational level I could understand **_why_** my body felt like it did and I knew it was only a matter of time before things got better but at the same time the whole experience was incredibly frustrating. It was as if all of a sudden my body had become a stranger, a stranger I couldn't really trust... and Kara is not only younger than I am but she is also a far more physical person than I've ever been so I can only imagine how much harder it must be for her to try to come to terms with those changes.

Sure, the nature of her injuries is completely different but in the end that doesn't really matter because, when all is said and done, pain is still pain and weakness is still weakness... to say nothing of the fact that Kara has never been the most patient of patients.

She has always pushed herself way too hard and she doesn't know when to quit... something that under the circumstances could turn out to be either a blessing or a curse. She is certainly going to need that determination if she is going to overcome this, I know that much, but at the same time there is also the risk that that determination will cause her to keep on trying.

Oh, I know she has promised me that she won't but at the same time I am almost painfully aware of the fact that that is one promise she may not be in a position to keep... especially not considering that, if Cottle is right, she never really planned this in the first place. That is the part I can't afford to forget.

Her wounds may have been self-inflicted but that doesn't necessarily mean that there was a great deal of thought behind her actions... and what I can't stop thinking about is just how serious those wounds were, how close I came to losing her to herself... a fact I am reminded of with each and every step we take here.

Hell, going by how much of her weight I am currently supporting I can tell that she is having a hard time just trying to put one foot in front of the other while she holds onto her IV stand for dear life with one hand and to my shoulder with the other.

In fact that 'holding on for dear life' is part of the problem because while I know that at least for the time being she needs my help, there is no denying that in these last couple of days I have found myself being ridiculously aware of even the smallest contact that passes between us, fearing that my touch may be unwelcome... and that is particularly true after what happened with Sam.

The last thing I want to do here is to make this any harder for her than it absolutely has to be but at the same time right now my choices are rather limited in that regard because I know there is no way she can do this without some support... and I do mean some **_physical_** support.

The truth is that, as stupid as it seems, I didn't even realize until I was helping her out of that bed that that was going to be an issue, and by then it was already too late for me to back down, so here I am, with my arm wrapped around her waist as I help her take her first few hesitant steps.

The problem is that, of all the things I could **_never_** have anticipated, the idea that I would someday have to come to terms with the notion that my daughter has been raped was pretty high on the list... especially because, even after Zak's death, I always thought of myself as a man with two **_sons_**. Kara was a surprise, one that plopped into my life unexpectedly, fully grown and totally unannounced.

She is my daughter but at the same time I know I am not her father, at least not in the biological sense of the word, and that is precisely the problem here.

I wonder if Cottle knew I was going to have a hard time with this particular aspect of things. Somehow I suspect he did. In fact, I suspect that he deliberately planned the whole thing for some reason, even if I'm still not sure why.

I remember having the gut feeling that he was up to something while I was talking to him earlier, I remember feeling that he had something up his sleeve, but in the end, seeing how I couldn't quite figure out what that 'something' could possibly be and how what he was saying about the need to get Kara out of that bed actually made sense, I just chucked it all to a healthy dose of paranoia... honestly, what could I possibly have been thinking? I mean, I've known the man for years and I **_really_** should have known better than that.

He can be a manipulative son of a bitch when he wants to be... and he usually wants to be.

Oh, he is an excellent doctor and I don't question neither his skills nor his intentions... hell, I don't even want to imagine where the fleet would be without him. In fact I am fairly certain that without him I wouldn't even be here and chances are that neither would Kara. The man has an uncanny ability to perform medical miracles with next to nothing --and, seeing how what we have is next to nothing, that is what makes him so valuable-- but at the same time... at the same time he is still a manipulative son of a bitch who can outfox a fox and that in turn is probably one of the main reasons why I am currently out here, not that I have a reason to object... at least not as long as Kara is okay with my presence.

That is the key element here because as long as that is the case everything else is **_my_** problem.

Hell, I may be feeling more than a little uncomfortable with this whole arrangement but I also know I still have a very long way to go if I ever want to make amends for the way I treated her in that rec room and if my presence and support can serve to reassure her in some small way of the fact that I am here for her then I'm going to do it, even if I know I am completely out of my depth.

Oh, I am certainly not kidding myself in that regard. I know how high the stakes are and I also know I can't afford to make a mistake but at the same time I am all too aware of just how easy it would be for me to do just that. After all, no one sets out to 'deliberately make a mistake', at least not honestly, and that is precisely what makes my current position so frakking tricky... so frakking terrifying.


	21. Chapter 21

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1. Also, please keep in mind that reviewing is good for the soul (hey, what can I say, I'm getting desperate here!)_**

Chapter 21  
(Kara's POV)

I try to keep myself from grimacing but I know I'm not fooling anyone here and much less am I fooling the Old Man. The truth is that everything hurts... not to mention that my legs feel like they can barely support my weight and I frakking hate that. Sure, on a rational level I know that being sore as hell is probably to be expected considering that I've spent the last week or so flat on my back and that on top of that I have an eight inch gash in my gut but still it is embarrassing, to say nothing of the fact that it leaves me with no choice but to lean quite heavily on the Old Man and I can see that he is disgusted by me, that he can barely bring himself to touch me... not that I blame him.

Oh, I'm not denying that being able to pretend that he cares, that things are back to what used to pass for normal around here is nice... it may not be smart but it's nice and what the frak, no-one's ever accused me of being bright. Besides, as stupid as it seems the Old Man smells like the Galactica, he smells like home.

In fact that was one of the things I missed most down on New Caprica when Leoben... I don't know, sometimes I think that by now I can recognize a frakking cylon by scent alone and I can probably do it from a couple of miles away. Oh, I know that's crazy, I know that's not really true but that's how it feels at times.

Hell, even after the exodus I felt like I would never be able to get the stench of Leoben out of my nostrils!

In fact the Old Man's scent is one of the reasons why I'm leaning so heavily on him, even though I know I don't have the right, not any more... not that letting go of him is much of an option either.

I mean, I know Cottle said we should be out here for five minutes but the way things are going that is going to feel more like five hours. Sure, on a rational level I know this was to be expected but, frak, I've never done rational, I've never done patient and I'm not about to frakking start!

Hell, I knew from the very beginning that this was going to be bad but I didn't really expect it to be **_this_** bad. I mean, I remember the pain of making my way out of that frakking farm back on Caprica but at least then I had the adrenaline going for me, to say nothing of the fact that --as bad as whatever the cylons had done to me was-- it was still nothing but a scratch compared to this.

Of course, the fact that I really need the Old Man's help if I am to keep from landing on my butt does nothing to change the fact that it is pretty apparent that he would much rather be anywhere but here and I hate feeling like I'm taking advantage of him. He deserves better than that and I know it.

"I'm sorry," I blurt out when I can no longer stand the silence.

"Sorry?" he asks stopping and turning to look at me for the first time since we set out on this little excursion.

"That you got roped into this," I explain.

"I didn't get roped into anything," he says with a sigh.

"Well, with all due respect, sir, I seriously doubt that this is your idea of fun," I point out, knowing that 'human walking cane' is a job that is usually reserved for whatever medic happens to have pissed Cottle off last, not for the Admiral of the Fleet.

"It's where I'm needed... and it's where I want to be," he reassures me.

"You don't have to lie to me, sir," I hiss as I try to fight back a sudden wave of anger.

"I'm not lying, damn it!"

"You are disgusted by me," I insist.

"**_WHAT?!_**"

"You can't even look at me," I snap, knowing that it is too late for me to back down.

"That is not true."

"It's okay, sir. I understand."

"I don't know where you got that idea but you are wrong, you hear me? You. Are. Wrong," he says, punctuating each word.

"Right," I mutter.

"For the gods' sake, Kara, what is it going to take for you to believe me?" he growls, obviously feeling more than a little frustrated with this whole situation... not that he is the only one.

"I don't know. All I know is that you can hardly bring yourself to look me in the eye and that, even though you say that you are not disgusted by me, you can barely bring yourself to touch me," I point out, knowing that I'm crossing the line here, that I have no right to complain or make any demands, but just wanting this whole charade to be over with once and for all.

"Because I don't want to frighten you, damn it... I saw what happened with Sam," he shoots back, putting his hands on my shoulders and forcing me to look at him.

"You won't frighten me," I whisper after a couple of seconds, biting my lip and not wanting to have this conversation --not now, not ever-- though I know I am the one who brought it up in the first place, I know I am the one who challenged him to look me in the eye, so I really have no one but myself to blame here.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because you don't smell like **_him_**... because you don't smell like a frakking toaster," I mutter.

"And Sam does?" he asks with a gentle smile and it is on the tip of my tongue to say 'yes' but then I realize how frakking crazy that sounds so I just look away, knowing that he has a point.

"It's okay, Kara," he reassures me as he steers me back toward sickbay.

"No, it's not," I reply, shaking my head as the realization of just how screwed up I really am finally sinks in.


	22. Chapter 22

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 22  
(Cottle's POV)

I light a cigarette as I wait for the Admiral and Apollo to show up, knowing that --even though it won't be pretty--this conversation can't really be put off any longer. Simply put: Starbuck's situation has reached a point where **_something_** has to be done, the problem is that --no matter how I look at it-- I can't escape the feeling that all of our options leave much to be desired. Oh, I do have a couple of ideas, of course, but implementing them is going to be tricky as hell and I won't be able to do it alone... nowhere near it. That's why I called for this meeting in the first place.

"You wanted to speak with us?" asks the Admiral almost as soon as he and his son step into sickbay.

"Yes. It's about Starbuck," I say and I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes when I see the two of them all but stand at attention as soon as that girl's name comes into play... and they say she is just another pilot. I mean, who the frak do they think they are kidding?

"Is there a problem?" comes Bill's rather predictable question.

"No, and that's precisely the problem," I mutter, shaking my head.

"I'm afraid I'm not following you," he says.

"I mean that there's no problem and that physically she is doing fine. She is eating with only a handful of restrictions and she is off her IV. In fact under normal circumstances I would probably have released her a couple of days ago. Of course, I am well aware that these are anything but normal circumstances and that does present a problem because while on the one hand she is more than ready to be out of here, on the other she is nowhere near ready to rejoin the crew," I explain.

"So what are the alternatives?"

"Well, the Galactica was not designed to deal with this sort of situation, not in the long term, but seeing how we don't have much of a choice we are going to have to improvise... especially because this mess is not going to go away any time soon. For the time being I'm going to be moving her to a private room."

"A private room?" asks Apollo, sounding somewhat puzzled at that.

"Or as close to one as we are likely to get," I reply, shrugging my shoulders. "I'm going to set her up in one of the isolation chambers. It won't be particularly comfortable but it **_will_** give her a measure of privacy and she will have some control over her surroundings, at least more than she does now, though the trick is going to be keeping her from using that privacy as an excuse to isolate herself even further. That means that once she is settled I'm going to start pushing her to see her husband and I am also going to be 'encouraging her' to eat at least one meal a day in the mess hall... and I'm going to need someone to take her there."

"That shouldn't be a problem, but are you sure that's safe, her being alone, I mean?" asks Bill, still sounding somewhat worried... not that I blame him. The truth is that Starbuck came closer to succeeding than I care to contemplate and avoiding a repeat performance is definitely near the top of my list of priorities... and pulling that one off is going to be a balancing act... a particularly **_tricky_** balancing act.

"There's going to be an element of risk no matter how we go about this, there's no way around that, and because of that I **_will_** be keeping a close eye on her but the bottom line is that sooner or later we are going to have to start trusting her and I'd rather do that in a controlled environment. Besides, even though being in an isolation chamber will grant her **_some_** privacy, those chambers were designed for the specific purpose of allowing the medical staff to monitor contagious patients while minimizing their own exposure to contagious agents... and their monitoring equipment does include video."

"So even there she won't really be unsupervised, at least not completely?" asks Bill, still not sounding particularly convinced.

"Exactly. That's the good news. The bad news is that, unless we give her something to do, keeping Starbuck alone and confined to an isolation chamber is not going to do us much good... in fact it will probably drive her more than a little crazy," I warn him, I warn both of them, knowing that that is the real danger... and that figuring out a way to work around it is not going to be easy, especially not considering the fact that that girl is an extremely physical person but her injuries will remain an issue for some time to come and that is going to limit her physical activity. "Sure, she will have the ability to open and close the hatch and she will be allowed to come and go as she pleases, or at least to come and go with some restrictions, but in the short term we can reasonably expect her to perceive it as a form of imprisonment and there's nothing I can do to change that. That is far from ideal considering the nature of the trauma we are dealing with here in the first place and it is something that, even in the best of cases, might end up leaving her with too much time to think. The problem is that the last thing she should be allowed to do right now is to be dwelling on what she's been through 24/7 so we have to figure out a way to prevent that. In other words she is going to need some kind of distraction while she is stuck in there, something to keep herself busy with --some sort of occupational therapy-- and the bottom line is that I sure as hell can't picture that girl taking up crochet."


	23. Chapter 23

**_For notes warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1... and please review, I'm getting lonely here!_**

Chapter 23  
(Adama's POV)

I try not to snort at the mental image of Kara with a crochet hook in her hand... in fact I can see it now and, even though I am fairly certain she could come up with about a dozen creative uses for it in a matter of seconds, I seriously doubt any of those would involve yarn. Of course, I am also well aware that while the idea of Kara taking up crochet is laughable, there are other options that wouldn't be more physically demanding and that could actually give her some sort of relief so I quietly remind myself to see about the possibility of scrounging some paper and a couple of pencils for her. Art supplies may not be abundant in the fleet but if we have enough paper to keep up with the paperwork then I'm pretty sure we could improvise something in that regard... but now that's not the point.

"Okay, now **_that_** is disturbing," I hear Lee say as I am pulled out of my musings... and if the look in his eyes is anything to go by, then I think it's safe to say that I wasn't the only one who thought that the idea of Kara wielding a crochet hook was highly entertaining.

"How long will you be keeping her there?" I ask, turning my attention back to the subject at hand.

"Until I can be reasonably sure that she is not a danger to herself. That could be weeks or it could be months, I don't know," he admits.

"And before she can resume some of her duties or start some form of physical therapy?" I prod, still trying to determine where we stand here and what my next move should be.

"To tell you the truth that will depend largely on her frame of mind. From a physical perspective alone, however, she is still pretty much confined to bed and I would say that she is looking at at least four weeks before she can go back to teaching theory of flight --though it will be a lot longer than that before she can even think of getting into the cockpit and going out there with her nuggets-- and two to three months before she can start doing something more challenging, such as light maintenance shifts."

"And physical therapy?"

"Well, in a way she is doing that already... it's called breathing. In a month or so, when she can handle her everyday activities without pain, or at least without too much pain, I'll start encouraging her to do some isometric and dynamic tension exercises, in six to eight weeks I may start considering something a little more strenuous and two weeks after that I will probably allow her to move to light sessions in the gym to work on improving her general condition. How fast she progresses from there, however, is going to be largely up to her."

"That long?" asks Lee, sounding more than a little dismayed and knowing as well as I do that Kara is not going to take well to that forced inactivity.

"I'm afraid so... and, as I've said all along, her physical condition is the least of my worries. That's why we have to come up with something for her to do with herself in the meantime... and by 'coming up with something for her to do' I **_don't_** mean that you should bury her under everyone else's paperwork either," he warns us. "I know there are schedules that have to be written and so on but that girl is already suicidal and boring her to death is **_not_** going to help matters."

"That shouldn't be a problem," I say.

"You have a plan, don't you?" asks Lee, eying me with some suspicion.

"Yes," I admit. "In fact there is a problem I've been meaning to address for the last two years but the time was never right or, to be accurate, the time was never there... and as unfortunate as the circumstances that brought us to this point may be, this could still turn out to be a perfect opportunity to address those concerns."

"What 'concerns'?"

"Well, the truth is that even though current assignments have more to do with what works than with rank --hell, right now Helo is the acting XO even though you outrank him and even Kara has seniority over him-- she is still officially fourth in the chain of command, fifth if we were to count the doctor here..."

"And you better not," Cottle warns me. "I may technically outrank her but I know about as much about running a frakking battlestar as you do about open heart surgery... and I do mean performing it."

"I realize that but the point is that Starbuck never went to War College," I reply before turning my attention back to Lee. "In fact you are the only officer we have under the age of thirty with that kind of background and that is a serious liability... one we can't really afford considering that we don't know how long we are going to be out here. Now, there's no denying that Kara has the experience and the instincts to more than compensate for her lack of formal training in some areas --not to mention that she has a knack for thinking outside the box that can be invaluable at times-- but the bottom line is that she could probably use some theory to back that up... especially if she were ever to find herself in the position of having to deal with a command of her own."

"So you want her to use this time to study?" asks Lee, shaking his head at the thought.

"Do you have a better idea?"

"No, but..."

"That's a situation we are going to have to deal with, son, and there are going to be no new officers graduating from War College, you know that much," I remind him, well aware that we are getting dangerously close to an issue Lee has been actively trying **_not_** to think about for these past two years but also knowing that it is something that has to be addressed. "There are no refreshments, our current crew is it and Saul and I are not going to live forever so, when the time comes, someone has to be ready to step up to the plate... and the truth is that, even if he cleans up his act, I seriously doubt Saul will ever be able to take over control of the fleet. He is a good XO but, as we found out the hard way when I was shot, he is no commander and he never will be."

"So basically what you are saying is that Kara and I are it?" he asks, sounding far from comfortable with that particular notion.

"I'm afraid so. I might be able to add Helo's name to that list someday but for the time being I'm still not sure people would follow him any more than they would follow Saul... not considering who his wife happens to be."

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Hi guys, first of all, thanks for reading! Also I wanted to apologize for the last couple of chapters being on the slow end of the spectrum. I promise I know what I'm getting at!

Alec


	24. Chapter 24

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1... and if you have a moment to spare, please review!_**

Chapter 24  
(Cottle's POV)

Okay, I have to say that I am relieved to see that we have something for Starbuck to do that is not busywork... especially because I know that girl and I know she would have seen through that one from miles away. Unfortunately, now that the minor problem has been dealt with, we have no choice but to tackle the major one and that is not going to be anywhere near that easy.

"Okay, that takes care of problem number one... now for problem number two."

"Problem number two?" asks Bill.

"How many problems are there?" asks his son.

"Depends on how you count them," I reply, shrugging my shoulders. "Anyway, problem number one was figuring out what the frak were we supposed to do with that girl now that she is doing a little better, problem number two has to do with the fact that, precisely because she is doing better, the time has come for us to start pushing and I can already tell you that that is **_not_** going to be pretty and that she is going to push back... hard. Let me be blunt here: up until now one of my primary concerns has been not upsetting her but I'm afraid that we have come about as far as that strategy is likely to get us and if we want to go any further we are going to have to change tracks. If we want to help her we are going to have to figure out what the frak it is that we are dealing with here, what the frak is going on in that head of hers, and the only one who can provide us with those answers is Starbuck herself so that's the source we are going to have to turn to."

"She is not going to like it," says Apollo, master of understatement that he is.

"Oh, you can bet on that, and that is precisely why I said that this is not going to be pretty. The problem is that right now we don't even have a starting point here, we don't have a clue as to what it is that we are up against but that does nothing to change the fact that a mistake could easily turn out to be fatal. Physically she may be on the mend but make no mistake about it, emotionally she is still a mess and whatever it was that caused her to try to kill herself in the first place has not been dealt with, not by a long shot. In fact I think it's safe to say that 'it' has only been festering for these past few days and that is **_not_** a good thing."

"So where do you suggest we start?"

"Well, we need to grab a hold of one end of this thing **_somehow_** if we are to have any hope at all of untangling it and, seeing how the first thing we are going to need if we are going to do that are some raw facts, I was thinking that maybe the time has come for some sort of informal debriefing to at least try to determine what the frak happened to her on New Caprica," I say. "That format should make the experience a little more palatable for her but even if we call it 'a debriefing' to get past her defenses I would still suggest bending the rules a little... or more than a little."

"You have been thinking about this for some time, haven't you?" asks Bill.

"Yes, almost from the moment she made it out of surgery," I admit, knowing that there's no point in trying to deny it.

"And what do you have in mind?"

"For starters I think that the three of us should be present so that she doesn't have to go over things twice, one from a military and one from a medical perspective, also that since there is going to be a medical element to this thing we could probably forego the videotaping and that a report --a very vague report-- could be added to her personnel file instead. Sure, that is not SOP but if the three of us are there that would include almost everyone that is technically above her in the chain of command and she is not likely to be transferred anyway."

"That sounds doable."

"Good, now to problem number three, also known as the real problem."

"The 'real' problem?" asks Bill, sounding somewhat puzzled at that.

"Yes."

"And that would be?"

"The two of you."

"I thought this was supposed to be about Starbuck," points out the Old Man.

"Oh, it is."

"Then how come all of a sudden we are the problem?" asks Apollo.

"Well, let me see if I can explain it to you," I reply, openly rolling my eyes at him. "We are going to be debriefing that girl and that means that we are going to be hearing **_exactly_** what it was that the cylons did to her. Now, I may not have all the details but I can pretty much promise you that it's going to be ugly as hell --probably a lot uglier than either of you are expecting it to be-- and she has more than enough on her plate without adding you freaking out to the mix so I need to know that you are going to be able to handle it and keep your reactions and your shock to yourselves."

"Believe me, I know what we are dealing with... we both do," says Bill, looking almost green at the thought.

"Do you?" I ask, not even trying to keep the disbelief out of my voice.

"Yes," he growls, sounding almost offended at that.

"Fine, then let me ask you one simple question: how many times do you think she was raped?"

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Hi guys, first of all, thanks for reading (and if you have reviewed, for reviewing, of course). Also, I wanted to let you know that I'm going to be away from my computer for a couple of weeks so I'm afraid that the next update will have to wait until September 26.

(author hears the booing and ducks in a desperate attempt to escape a flurry of overripe produce)

Okay, okay, I get the message: no cliffhangers before going away so how about a deal? I'll post the last part of this particular scene this Saturday (September 8) and then I'll try to resume posting on September 22/23. That way I will miss one update instead of two (and I will avoid the cliffhanger) though I must warn you that that date is still somewhat tentative and it will depend on whether or not I can get chapter 26 done in time (if I can't it will be posted on the 26).

Sorry about that, I've tried to keep the updates flowing on a regular basis but sometimes RL just has to have its way and this one can't really be avoided.

Take care and thanks again for reading (and for putting up with the really annoying author's notes!)

Alec


	25. Chapter 25

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1... and if you have a moment, please review!_**

Chapter 25  
(Lee's POV)

"What?! What kind of question is that?" I sputter, not quite believing my ears.

"A simple one. How many times do you think she was raped?" he repeats.

"I don't know... a couple," I growl, trying hard not to think about it.

"Maybe a dozen," adds my father, sounding about as comfortable as I am with this sudden turn in the conversation.

"A dozen?" asks Cottle, openly rolling his eyes at us.

"Yes."

"And what would you say if I were to tell you that I wouldn't be surprised if that figure turned out to be off by more than a zero?"

"**_WHAT?!_**" I all but yell.

"You heard me," says the doctor.

"One hundred and twenty?!" asks my father, shaking his head.

"That's crazy! There's no frakking way..." I exclaim but Cottle interrupts me.

"Actually it's not crazy, in fact it's basic math."

"Basic math?" I manage to ask.

"Yes. The cylons took her on the first day of the occupation and their goal was to breed her, or at least that is what the evidence would seem to suggest, though why would anyone want to breed Starbuck is beyond me... I mean, as far as I'm concerned one of her is more than enough, but that's not the point. The point is that considering that the occupation of New Caprica lasted four months..."

"That brings us to a total of one hundred and twenty days and given what we know of what the cylons wanted with her in the first place it wouldn't be all that unreasonable to assume that her being raped was a daily occurrence," finishes my father, sounding almost resigned and, much to my dismay, I can find no real fault in that logic.

"Exactly," Cottle agrees. "Now, up to this point all I have is speculation and I could be completely off the mark here but the bottom line is that --going by what I've seen in these past few days-- I don't think I am and, if this is as bad as I think it is, I'm afraid that it may be well beyond any of our parameters. If my suspicions are correct we are not really dealing with something as 'simple' as rape but rather with something that comes closer to sexual slavery. That's an entirely different ball game and even that doesn't even begin to take the impact of Leoben's mind-games into account. Anyway, the point is that what we are dealing with here is unlikely to be an isolated incident or even a handful of incidents and I don't have a clue as to what the long term consequences of something like that are likely to be... hell, I'm not a frakking shrink to begin with and, no matter how I look at this, I know I am way out of my league here, we all are."

"So what are we supposed to do?" I ask, still trying --without much success-- to wrap my mind around what Cottle is saying... and then I am hit by the realization that **_we_** were the ones who left her there. That is something I had managed to avoid thinking too much about up to this point but now all of a sudden I can't escape it... especially because I was the one who argued against ever going back and that means that in a way I was willing to leave her in the cylons' hands. It means that in a way I was willing to leave my 'best friend' to **_that_** fate.

"I don't know but that's why we are going to be 'debriefing her' in the first place: because we need some facts to figure out where the hell do we go from here and to come up with a strategy but the bottom line is that a reaction like the one the two of you just had in front of her right now could be devastating so I need to know that there will be no such outbursts."

"You don't ask for much, doc," I say, shaking my head.

"It's what she needs," he replies, not backing down an inch. "You may be disgusted at the thought of what was done to her but right now that girl is a frakking mess and I seriously doubt that in her current frame of mind she would be able to tell the difference between you being disgusted by what was done **_to_** her and you being disgusted **_by_** her."

"But..."

"He is right, Lee," dad interrupts me and somehow I get the feeling that I am missing something here.

"I'll do my best but..."

"No 'buts'... trust me, she can't afford them," Cottle warns me. "You have to be there because you need to know, because --in spite of all the bad blood that has obviously been brewing between the two of you for some time-- you are still the other half of 'Starbuck and Apollo'. You are her wingman and as such you are one of the people she is closest to and most likely to trust but there will be no room for error... not to mention that, no matter how much you may want to protect her, we **_are_** going to have to hurt that girl in the short term if we are going to get the answers we need to help her in the long run... or at least to keep from tripping over our own two feet. Anyway, I can promise you that the whole experience is going to be painful as hell from her perspective, I can promise you that she is going to fight us with everything she's got and I can also promise you that she **_will_** get upset but this has to be done and you cannot interfere, do I make myself clear?"

"Yes," I manage to grind out, even though I don't have much faith in my own ability to keep that particular promise.

* * *

**_Author's notes: _**Okay, I got this update done on time, that's the good news. The bad news is that I'm going to miss next week's update so the next one will be posted on September 22 at the earliest. Sorry about that!

Take care and thanks for reading,

Alec


	26. Chapter 26

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1... and if you could spare a moment to review it would really make my day!_**

Chapter 26  
(Kara's POV)

As soon as Cottle, Lee and the Old Man walk into my 'room' I can see I am in trouble. The three of them look uncomfortable as hell and then the Admiral gives me a bunch of paper that, for once, does**_ not_** turn out to be paperwork. The problem is that, while I can certainly appreciate the thought behind that particular present, their obvious attempts to make 'amends' for something I can't quite identify isn't really helping matters as far as my own uneasiness goes, in fact they are only making it worse.

"I'm not going to like this, am I?" I ask, all too aware of the fact that there is **_something_** going on here, something that goes a lot deeper than the discomfort I've all but gotten used to in these past couple of weeks. I just wish someone would clue me in as to what the frak that 'something' is.

"Um, let me see... no," says Cottle.

"What's going on?" I prod, rolling my eyes at him.

"We need to know," says the Old Man, sounding about as comfortable as I feel.

"You need to know **_what_**?"

"What happened on New Caprica," he explains.

"No," I say.

"That wasn't a request, captain. You had to know that sooner or later there was bound to be a debriefing."

"I don't give a frak, I'm not doing this... you don't know what it was like," I growl, crossing my arms.

"And that's precisely why we are here," says the doc, making me realize that it is not just the Old Man I have to worry about but rather that I am up against a coordinated attack here and that I'm not likely to come out on top. Well, the good news is that at least now I know **_why_** they had been looking so uncomfortable all along... the bad news is that that is not really much comfort, not under the circumstances. "Listen, Starbuck, we don't want to hurt you but I think it would be best if we were to just get this over with once and for all."

"But..."

"Do you really want to have this hanging over your head?" he interrupts me before I can even argue.

"No, but..."

"It's going to be fine," the Old Man tries to reassure me.

"No, it won't."

"Listen, Starbuck, we are going to do this, that part is not up for debate, however you do have a couple of choices here," jumps in Cottle.

"What kind of choices?"

"Well, for starters we can either do this by the book or we can bend the rules a little. Your choice," he offers.

"Bend them?" I ask, almost against my will.

"Yes. The way I figure there are two things we have to do. Under normal circumstances I would ask you a number of questions that are relevant to your medical file and then the Admiral and the Major here would go over the military aspects of this thing but as far as I am concerned there's no point in asking you the same damn thing twice, and that is precisely what we would be doing so --if you agree to allow them to be present for the medical half of this-- we could probably merge both sessions... with the added benefit that, seeing how medical information is still considered privileged, the Admiral has agreed to forego the videotaping of this whole thing."

"I really don't have a choice, do I?" I finally ask, reluctantly accepting the fact that there is nothing I can do, that the only thing that's left to decide is **_how_** we are going to go about doing this, not **_if_**.

"About doing it? No."

"Frak!"

"I know, now the next thing you have to decide is whether or not you want your husband to be present for this."

"Isn't that against the rules?" I ask, somewhat taken aback and not quite knowing what to make out of that particular offer... or how I feel about it.

"Technically, but if you want him here I'm pretty sure it can be arranged," says Cottle, looking at the Old Man who just nods at him. "It may be against the rules but this is going to be hard enough for you already and the bottom line is that Sam will eventually have to be told about most of what's going to be said anyway so we are giving you the choice to let him hear about it now rather than..."

"No," I interrupt him, still nowhere near ready to deal with my husband. As far as I'm concerned this is going to be complicated enough already and I'm pretty sure that Sam's presence would only serve to make matters worse.

"Okay, that's your call," he says, nodding at me.

"Yeah, right," I snort.

"Are you ready?"

"You mean now?!" I exclaim.

"Unless you have somewhere else you'd rather be," he smirks.

"No, but aren't these things supposed to be scheduled?" I ask, glaring at him, even though I know that that's not likely to do me much good.

"What, you want us to allow you to stew in it for a couple of hours and then come back?"

"How long have you been planning this?" I ask.

"Me, a few days, them, I told them last night... that's when we scheduled it, to answer your original question."

"And you didn't think to frakking tell me?" I growl.

"Think about it, yes... but as I said, I figured it would do more harm than good. There was no point in letting you worry all night, besides the decision had already been made. So, are you ready?"

"No," I reply, still glaring at him.

"Good," says the doctor and I find myself itching to wipe that smirk off his face, unfortunately I also know that right now Cottle's bedside manner --or lack thereof-- is the least of my worries.

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: I'm baack! (what, you thought you were going to get rid of me that easily?)

Okay, now that that's out of the way I want to thank you for reading this and I also want to apologize for last week... as I said, I had no net access. Also I want to warn you that updates will be moved from Wednesday to Saturday on a permanent basis since there is no way I'm going to have the next chapter done in time this week and I don't want to have another delay. Sorry about that.

Take care and if you could take the time to review I would really appreciate it!

Alec


	27. Chapter 27

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 27  
(Cottle's POV)

"What happened when the cylons arrived on New Caprica?" asks Bill.

"They captured me," comes Starbuck's remarkably unhelpful reply.

"And then?" I ask, rolling my eyes at her.

"They took me to a basestar," she says, obviously _**not**_ wanting to make this any easier than it absolutely has to be... for any of us.

"How long where you held there?" asks the Old Man, still looking for a way to break the ice.

"At the time I wasn't really sure. Keeping track of time in a basestar with no clocks, no shifts and with the lights always on was not easy. I knew it had been more than two weeks, probably several days more, but less than five weeks. That was about it. Eventually I learned it had been a little more than three..." she trails off.

"So it was a remarkably accurate guess," he points out.

"You could say that," she replies, shrugging her shoulders and looking away.

"Would you mind telling me _**how**_ you came to that figure?" asks Bill when it becomes apparent that she is not going to say anything else.

"Um, yes," she says and I can't help but snort at that, deeply relieved to see a glimpse of the old Starbuck shining through in spite of everything.

"Kara," he pushes and I decide to let her answer even though I can see that she is _**not**_ happy with this particular line of questioning and even though I know that this is unlikely to be all that relevant in the long run. Of course, if my suspicions as to _**how**_ she knew are correct, then her discomfort is nothing compared to what Bill and his son are in for... but then again, having it spelled out for them may be just what the two of them need.

"I had my period once and I knew when that was due, okay?" she growls before explaining. "Less than two weeks and it wouldn't have been over, more than five and I would have started a second one."

"Okay, let's move on," I say, trying hard not to smile at the looks on the two Adamas' faces. "What did the cylons do to you on that basestar?"

"I don't know," she says, suddenly clamming up... not that she had been all that forthcoming with information up to this point.

"What do you mean you don't know?" jumps in Apollo.

"I mean I don't have a frakking clue... not really," she whispers, not meeting his eyes.

"How could you not know?" he insists, not willing to back down.

"Because as a rule scientists don't tell their frakking lab rats what they are doing to them and that's exactly what I was! All I know is that while I was there I was poked and prodded on a regular basis and I had no control over any of it. I was tied down and examined, I was studied and injected with the gods know what. Simon spent countless hours seeing what made me tick and there wasn't a frakking thing I could do about any of it!" she all but yells at him.

"I see," says the Old Man, obviously wanting to maintain some semblance of military discipline and trying hard to keep things from spiraling completely out of control. The problem is that that's also been the closest thing to a 'real' answer I've heard from Starbuck so far and I'm beginning to suspect that letting the two of them go at it --that letting Apollo push-- may actually be our best bet if we want to get to the bottom of this.

"So what happened after those three and a half weeks?" I ask, realizing that someone has to say something if we want to keep things from stalling here.

"Leoben showed up."

"You hadn't seen him up to that point?" I insist.

"No, as I said, Simon was the one who had been playing mad scientist on me."

"And when Leoben appeared?"

"Simon examined me, gave me a shot of something --some sort of fertility drug, I think-- not that that was a particularly unusual occurrence. Hell, at times it felt like the bastard was always coming at me with a frakking needle, and then he handed me over to Leoben, told him that I was ready for him to take me away. After that I was escorted to a heavy raider and taken down to New Caprica... to the detention center. We got there at night. The place was huge and I think some parts of it were still being built. I didn't see anyone on the way in... I didn't see anyone in all the time I was there... well, almost anyone."

"Almost?" I ask, somewhat surprised by that unexpectedly detailed reply.

"There was someone..." she trails off, obviously not wanting to talk about it.

"Who?" Bill prods gently when it becomes apparent that she is not going to elaborate on that, at least not willingly.

"Kacey," she whispers.

"Kacey?"

"Yes."

"And that would be?"

"A kid," she sighs, rather reluctantly.

"The little girl you brought back with you?" he asks and she just nods in reply.

"And that was it?"

"Unless you want to count the frakking cylons," she growls, almost daring us to push the issue.

"So let's count the cylons. What did they do to you?" I challenge, somewhat relieved by the fact that that was a verbal reply... not to mention the fact that it actually had more than two syllables to it. That may not seem like much but as far as I'm concerned that's progress. In fact, as far as openings go, that's probably the best we could have hoped for under the circumstances so I decide to go with it.

* * *

_**Author's notes**_: Hi guys, okay I have to admit that I'm not particularly happy with how this chapter turned out.

At first it was considerably longer but there was too much overlap with the first chapter of 'Control' so I decided to try to streamline it a bit. That left me with a 700 word chapter in my hands that felt way too short. That in turn caused me to try to stretch it a little and now I feel it's too wordy at some points but after three rewrites I decided to post it anyway. In other words, sorry if this is not up to specs, I'll try to do better next week.

The good news is that the overlap problem was limited to this specific chapter so it really shouldn't be an issue in the upcoming ones.

Take care and thanks for reading,

Alec


	28. Chapter 28

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 28  
(Adama's POV)

"What did the cylons do to you, Kara?" I ask when it becomes apparent that she is not going to volunteer any additional information.

"Give me your eyes, captain," I order but, even though she complies, she still doesn't say anything.

"What did they do?" I insist for what feels like the umpteenth time but she still refuses to answer, leaving me with no choice but to push even harder. "Kara, I need you to answer that question."

"No," she finally growls.

"That wasn't a request, Starbuck," I insist, hating myself for it but knowing it has to be done, unfortunately she just shakes her head at that and I can see that she is getting upset... or even more upset.

"Dad..."

"Not now, Lee," I warn him, already knowing what he is going to say.

"Do you want to get this over with?" I ask, deciding to try a different approach... especially because it is pretty apparent that my current one is not going to get me anywhere.

"Yes," she says, glaring at me.

"Then answer the question, captain."

"No."

"Did he rape you?" I ask, realizing that she may be reluctant to be the first one to utter 'that' word, not that I'd blame her.

"Yes... almost as soon as we were alone... I tried to fight him but..." she trails off.

"It's okay," I try to reassure her, knowing her well enough to realize how hard that admission must have been for her... how much it must have cost her.

"Yeah, right," she snorts.

"No-one is judging you, Kara."

"Yet... you don't understand," she whispers, not meeting my eyes.

"No, I don't, and that's precisely why we are here," I remind her, still trying to get through to her. Unfortunately that same dogged determination that has kept her alive up to this point is now working against us and overcoming it is bound to be all but impossible.

"It's not so frakking simple," she growls.

"I know it's not," I reply, especially because 'simple' is not a word I would ever have used to describe any of this, not by a long shot.

"It's just that..."

"Just that what?"

"Nothing."

"It's not nothing, Kara."

"Never mind," she sighs and I can barely keep myself from grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking some sort of answer out of her.

"What did he do afterwards?" I finally ask, not wanting to think about it but knowing that I have to keep this on track no matter how unpleasant it is... and also knowing that as hard as this is for me, it is probably a lot worse for her.

"He told me that I stank and then he all but dragged me to the shower... after that he gave me a tour of the 'apartment'. I remember when he first led me into the bedroom. There was a single bed and just being there scared the crap out of me. I was still sore as hell, I could barely walk and he was acting as if nothing had happened. He told me that it was my choice to share that bed with him or not... that I was free to sleep wherever I wanted. I didn't believe him, not at first, but he was telling the truth, well, for the most part anyway. The catch was that 'elsewhere' wasn't 'safer'. I found out almost immediately that it wasn't. Hell, that frakking bed was probably the safest place for me in the whole apartment."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that, with one exception, when we were in bed he was almost gentle with me, he didn't go out of his way to hurt me or to prove to me that I _**wasn't**_ safe. As long as I shared that damned bed with him he would sometimes even let me sleep through the night without even touching me but if I..."

"If you what?"

"At first I didn't want to... I didn't want to sleep with him... I tried sleeping on the couch or on the floor... anywhere but in that frakking bed but he..." she trails off.

"He made a point of hurting you then, didn't he?" I ask, realizing where this is going.

"Yeah... or just when he saw me elsewhere and decided that he frakking wanted me," she says, shrugging her shoulders and looking away.

"And the one exception?" I prod, even though I'm pretty sure I don't really want to know.

"What?" she asks, looking almost puzzled at that.

"You said that he didn't force you to share a bed with him 'for the most part' and that he was almost gentle with you there 'with one exception'," I remind her.

"I did something... something bad... something I wasn't supposed to do. There were rules and I broke them... he punished me... he..."

"What did he do, Kara?" I interrupt her, not liking the fact that she seems to be accepting the blame for whatever it was that that damned toaster did to her, that she seems to be accepting his 'rules', but she just goes on without even acknowledging my words.

"I wasn't supposed to fight him there... I could fight him and even kill him elsewhere but not in bed. Those were the rules and I knew it but I..."

"What did he do?" I insist, getting honestly worried.

"I don't want to talk about it," she growls, suddenly snapping out of it and shaking her head.

"Okay," I agree, backing down reluctantly but realizing that she is already too close to the edge and that this is _**not**_ the time for me to be pushing that particular issue... not when I too could probably use a break to at least try to wrap my mind around this one.

The thing is that as far as I'm concerned, Leoben never gave her a 'choice' --not really-- but he did give her the _**illusion**_ of a choice and in a way that was even worse. He put her in a position of having to go to him in order to survive and even though I can see that no matter what she did she would still have been playing straight into his hands, he did it in a way that led her to believe that going to him was _**her**_ decision, her choice, and that's what's killing her now. That is what we are up against, that is the enemy we have to defeat and, going by her attitude, I suspect that that is going to be an uphill battle.


	29. Chapter 29

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

_**Additional warning from the file labeled 'Duh!'**_: Okay, just to be on the safe side, let me add that --while not exactly descriptive-- this chapter does deal with some disturbing issues but then again, if you are still with me, I'm going to assume that you have already figured out that rainbows and puppies are sorely missing from this particular story.

* * *

Chapter 29  
(Lee's POV) 

"So things got better after you agreed to share a bed with him?" I force myself to ask, almost choking on the words.

"Well, that was part of it, but yeah, after that I guess you could say it was 'better'. I mean, it was still bad, real bad, but he kind of backed off a little after that so in a way it wasn't anywhere near as bad as it had been before," she says, not meeting my eyes.

"Care to define 'bad' for us?" I hear Cottle ask.

"Bad. I mean, at first I could hardly take a frakking step without having Leoben take an interest in me... hell, if I'd had any doubts as to the fact that the bastard wasn't human before that those first few days would have been enough for me to..."

"And how long did that go on?" he interrupts her, obviously trying to keep things from stalling.

"About four or five days but it wasn't just the bed. After those first few days I just stopped fighting him and then he kind of lost interest but... I mean, it wasn't like he left me alone or anything like that but he went from frakking me half a dozen times a day to once or twice so it was sort of manageable," she explains, shrugging her shoulders.

"Being raped twice a day was 'manageable'?" I blurt out, not quite believing my ears.

"Well, it wasn't fun if that's what you are asking but... yes, it was better... most of the time," she growls, glaring at me.

"Most of the time?" asks Cottle.

"Yeah, even after that sometimes something would set him off --I don't know what-- and then he would take a greater interest in me for a few days but then that interest would wane again. That happened a couple of times. In a way it was all a game to him, I think."

"A game?" I ask, still trying to wrap my mind around that concept without much success.

"Yes, he was trying to..." she trails off.

"What was he trying to do?" I prod when it becomes apparent that she isn't going to say anything else.

"I don't know, not really. As crazy as it sounds I think he wanted me to love him... hell, he told me that much but..."

"He told you _**that**_?"

"Yes, but whenever he got me to do something it was never enough because he always wanted more."

"More?" I repeat, feeling like a broken record, the problem is that she is not making much sense, at least not considering that I am missing half the pieces to begin with and, no matter what I do, I just can't seem to fill in the blanks.

"Yes," she growls. "At first I tried to fight him but he just kept coming, he just kept hurting me and it didn't take me long to figure out that fighting him wasn't going to get me anywhere. Then I thought that maybe if I would just let him do whatever he wanted then he would leave me alone so I tried to ignore him, to ignore what he was doing to me, but even though that kind of worked, at the same time that still wasn't enough... hell, in a way he saw it as a frakking challenge. Sure, when I stopped fighting he went from frakking me half a dozen times a day to once or twice so things were a lot better in that regard but that also meant that he could take his time so each one of those encounters tended to last a lot longer and in that regard it was a trade off. Sometimes he would spend what felt like hours touching me, licking me, taunting me and --as long as we weren't in bed-- hurting me until he got a reaction out of me and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about any of it. The only thing I could do was to go back to trying to fight him but I already knew that that wasn't going to do me much good so I was stuck. He said he wanted to..." she trails off, again and the truth is that I don't know what to say about any of this.

"In other words, he went from wanting to get you to stop fighting him to trying to get a specific response out of you?" asks Cottle.

"I guess," she says, shrugging her shoulders. "He told me that he wanted to know how to make love to me... I wanted to crawl out of my skin whenever he touched me but he said..."

"It's okay, Kara, it's over. You are safe now," says my father.

"No, it's not... it's never going to be, don't you get it? I can't..." she replies, shaking her head.

"You can't what? Forget? No one expects you to," he tells her, reaching for her hand as she chews on her lower lip.

"It's not just that, it's..." she trails off, looking away.

"Hey, it's okay," he reassures her... or tries to. The problem is that for some reason that only seems to make matters worse. "What is it, Kara? Talk to me," he prods.

"I did what he wanted me to... in the end I just did what he wanted," she finally whispers.

"What he wanted?" he asks, looking rather perplexed at that.

"Yeah... I just... I just couldn't fight any more so I did what he wanted me to but it wasn't enough, no matter what I did it was never enough."

"Because whenever he got you to give in, whenever he got you to comply and do _**something**_, there was always something else he wanted you to do?" asks Cottle looking at her and she just nods at that.


	30. Chapter 30

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 30  
(Kara's POV)

I knew from the moment they told me that this was going to be a 'debriefing' that things were about to get ugly but the truth is that I was still caught somewhat off-guard by the whole thing. I am trapped here, I have no way out and there is not a frakking thing I can do about any of it.

Of course, in a way I guess Cottle was right when he told me that I really don't want to have this hanging over my head for any longer than I absolutely have to. The problem is that I also knew that getting from 'here' to 'there' wasn't going to be much fun, far from it... and if the horrified look on Lee's face is anything to go by, I suspect that things are about to go from 'bad' to 'worse' here... much worse.

"So you just went along with him?" asks Lee, sounding utterly disgusted by that... not that I blame him.

"Yes," I admit, knowing that there is no point in trying to deny it.

"Why?"

"Because there wasn't a frakking thing I could do about any of it, don't you get it?! I _**belonged**_ to him... damn it! I was his to do with as he pleased and the bastard took full advantage of that frakking fact. He told me once that..." I trail off, realizing that there is no way they are ever going to understand, not really.

"What did he tell you?"

"Nothing," I say, wishing he would just let it go but knowing him well enough to realize that he won't.

"Don't you dare, Kara! Don't you dare shut me out!"

"I'm not...!"

"Yes, you are," he interrupts me before I can even finish that sentence. "What did he say?"

"You won't understand," I whisper, not meeting his eyes.

"Try me," he challenges.

"He said that I was no different..."

"'No different'?" he asks, obviously having no clue as to what it is that I mean by that. The problem is that I don't know how to explain it either, not really. Hell, I lived it and I _**still**_ don't know how to phrase it, so how the frak can I expect _**them**_ to understand?

"He told me once that we created the cylons to fulfill our needs and desires and that that was my only purpose... that there was no difference between what he was doing to me and what we had done to them," I finally tell him, though I know it is far more complicated than that.

"That's rubbish!" he blurts out, glaring at me.

"Is it?"

"Yes, damn it!" he all but yells and I can barely keep myself from flinching at that.

"Why?" I force myself to ask.

"Because..." he trails off, tacitly acknowledging the truth in Leoben's words.

"Right," I say, feeling incredibly tired and wondering how much longer is this charade actually going to last.

"It's not the same, damn it," he insists.

"That is enough, you two," Cottle suddenly interrupts us, glaring at Lee.

"Lee is right, Kara," jumps in the Old Man. "It's not the same."

"Why not?" I find myself asking, almost against my will.

"Because of what Leoben told you... because we _**created**_ the cylons. That's the difference. We may have made a mistake --hell, we _**made**_ a mistake, there's no 'maybe' about that-- but we can honestly say that we didn't set out to torture them or enslave them," he points out. "True, in retrospect I can see that we did just that and in that regard Leoben may actually have had a point when he told you that we created them to fulfill our needs and desires, but that is the extent of it. At the time we didn't know any better, at the time we had no reason to even suspect that they were aware. To us they were just machines, tools we had developed for our own benefit and we used them as such. Leoben, on the other hand, knew exactly what it was that he was doing to you and he did it on purpose. He deliberately and methodically set out to break you, to bend you to his will, that was his ultimate goal. That's the difference... or at least one of them."

"One of them?" I ask, feeling totally lost here. I expected the Old Man to be spitting nails by now but he isn't, far from it. In fact he seems to be more concerned than angry and I just don't know what to make out of any of this.

"You are a person, Kara, a human being, he isn't."

"That's not how they see it," I whisper.

"That may be so but that's not the point. They have evolved, they are not the enemy we once fought --I'll give you that-- but that doesn't mean that they understand what it means to be human... that they understand what it entails to be an individual. They are closer to us than their predecessors were but you have to remember that in spite of their human appearance they are still machines underneath it all, still copies. They still haven't figured out what it means to be a person and I doubt they ever will. Hell, even though _**we**_ use names to refer to a couple of them, and even though for the most part they tend to use those names in our presence, to the best of our knowledge among themselves they still address each other primarily by number.

"Think about what that tells us about how they see themselves, about how they perceive the world around them. Leoben may have told you that what he did to you was no different from what _**we**_ had done to them but the fact remains that _**you**_ weren't even born until long after the war had ended so there is no way you could possibly be deemed responsible for any of it. _**You**_ did nothing to him."

"Well, there was the '_Geminon Carrier_'," I point out, almost hesitatingly, thinking back to our first encounter.

"And, going by what you've told me, even then he already seemed to have fixated on you," he reminds me, still not backing down an inch.

"Yes, but..."

"You did nothing to deserve this, Kara, nothing!" insists the Old Man, sounding incredibly frustrated.

"Yes, I did... and why the frak am I defending him anyway?" I ask shaking my head as I suddenly realize what it is that I'm actually saying here.


	31. Chapter 31

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1... and sorry I couldn't get this posted earlier, RL got in the way.**_

Chapter 31  
(Adama's POV)

I am trying hard to keep myself from physically shaking some sense into Kara but I freely admit that it's a struggle. Sure, I can see where she is coming from and the rational part of my mind even knows that I should probably have been expecting something like this to begin with but the fact that it is logical and not entirely unexpected doesn't mean I'm not having a hard time accepting it.

True, I knew long before now that Leoben had done a number on her. That much had been obvious from the very beginning but there's still a world of difference between knowing that 'something' happened and finding out exactly what that 'something' entailed... and on top of that having to sit here as she defended him was almost more than I could take, though luckily at least in that regard she finally seems to have realized what it was that she was doing and that is a relief, sort of. The problem is that as much as I may want to shout and scream, I know I can't afford to do it. I know that whether I like it or not, I have to be the rational one for her sake... especially because I'm not the only one who is having a hard time trying to come to terms with this one.

Hell, even though Lee is handling this a lot better than I thought he would, it is still pretty apparent that he is struggling, that he is trying to get through to her without much success and I know him well enough to realize that that is probably driving him crazy.

The thing is that going by what I've heard here today we have a long list of issues that we are going to have to address sooner rather than later but at the same time I am well aware that even in that regard we have barely scratched the surface. Unfortunately --as much as we may all want to get some answers, as much as we may all want to get this over with once and for all-- I suspect that Kara has had about as much 'scratching' as she can take in one sitting.

That means that we are getting close to the point in which we are going to have to back down but we are not quite there yet and we have to make the most we can out of what little time we have left here.

In other words, we can't afford to get distracted and that means that we should at least try to redirect our attention back to the subject at hand so, rather reluctantly, I tell her not to worry about it.

"But I..." she begins but I interrupt her, already knowing what she is going to say.

"It's okay, Kara. That's not what this is about... at least not now."

"Not now?"

"No, I know it's confusing and we will deal with that later but right now I think we should try to focus on the facts."

"The facts?"

"Yes. We need to know what happened and when, to figure out the timeline of events, the rest... well, I won't say it doesn't matter but it can wait, okay?"

"Okay," she whispers, not sounding particularly convinced.

"Good, now you said that you spent the first three weeks or so with Simon in a basestar and then he handed you over to Leoben... that's when things got 'worse', right?"

"Kind of."

"'Kind of'?"

"Yes, I mean, it's not so frakking simple. It got worse --there's no question about that-- but even before that it was still pretty bad. Besides, even after that it wasn't like Simon was gone... not completely."

"Not completely?" I repeat, somewhat surprised by that particular statement.

"Yeah. Even after he handed me over there was still no escaping him. He still came to see me almost daily and he kept up his tests. Hell a couple of times he even..."

"What did he do, Kara?" I ask when it becomes apparent that she is not going to volunteer any additional information.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Kara," I warn her, though I'm not sure how far I should be pushing this.

"I don't know," she finally admits, looking down at her hands. "I mean he would take blood almost every day, and he kept up the shots, though I never really knew what was in them, not exactly... that didn't change after he handed me over either. He also did some ultrasounds... hell, those were pretty much part of my daily routine and there wasn't a frakking thing I could do about it, but sometimes he did other things... things that I..."

"Other things?"

"Yes, damn it!"

"Care to expand on that one?" prods Cottle, taking a sudden interest in the conversation.

"I can't!"

"Well, could you at least _**try**_ to tell me what Simon did to you, even if you don't fully understand it yourself?" he growls, growing increasingly frustrated.

"There was something... I don't know what it was, not really, but I think it was a pretty big deal," she says after hesitating for a moment.

"What makes you say that?" I ask.

"The fact that whatever it was that he was doing, he couldn't do it in the 'apartment' but he did it anyway..."

"So it was something he couldn't do where you were being held?"

"Yes. I think it was too complicated or maybe it was just because it required more gear than he could bring in with him but at the same time it was something he obviously deemed too important _**not**_ to do."

"You were taken out of your cell to do it?"

"Yes."

"And where did they take you, Kara?" I ask when she doesn't elaborate any further.

"To the center's medical facility. I was there five times. I know once was because I was hurt, so that one doesn't really count, and another one was after Kacey fell down the stairs but the other three..." she trails off.

"Those are the ones you don't fully understand?" prods Cottle.

"Yeah. I mean, all I know is that whatever it was that Simon was doing to me hurt like hell and it involved a frakking needle but that's about it."


	32. Chapter 32

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

_**Additional warning**_: This chapter is kind of heavy on medical facts but, seeing how I'm not a doctor, there may well be some inaccuracies in it. I did try to research the subject to a certain extent, of course, but that's about it.

* * *

Chapter 32  
(Cottle's POV)

"A needle?" I ask, realizing that there are some things I need to know and that I'm going to have no choice but to go digging for answers.

"Yes. The first time he did that was early in the morning the second day after he handed me over. I remember being restrained and I remember Leoben running his hand through my hair and telling me to hold still or I could end up really hurting myself but that's about it. I know it's not much to go on but..."

"Kara, this is important, what did he do with that needle?"

"I don't know, damn it!"

"Did he give you a shot?"

"No, it was..."

"It was what?"

"It wasn't that kind of needle... not exactly. It was attached to some sort of ultrasound machine or something like that and he..." she trails off, again, and all of a sudden I get a very bad feeling about this.

"An ultrasound? Was that needle used transvaginally?" I ask, point blank, wishing for the first time that we didn't have an audience for this but knowing that there's nothing I can do about it.

"Yes," she whispers.

"And he did this three times?"

"Yes."

"Okay, let me ask you a different question. A while ago you told us that even after those first few days, at times Leoben would take a greater interest in you... that at times it seemed like he couldn't keep his hands off of you and that this usually lasted for a few days."

"So?"

"Can you tell me how did those instances correlate with the times in which Simon took you to the medical facility? Did they match in some way?"

"I don't know."

"Could you at least try to think about it?" I push.

"I guess they kind of matched, but not entirely," she replies after thinking it over for a few seconds.

"What do you mean by 'not entirely'?" I prod, realizing that that statement can have two different meanings... and that the implications of those two possible meanings would in turn be completely different.

"Well, for the most part Simon seemed to do that when Leoben was taking a greater interest I guess, but not always."

"Not always?"

"Not really, I mean, now that I think about it he never did it without Leoben taking a greater interest in me, that is true, but I remember that once Leoben's interest spiked without Simon doing anything like that."

"I see, and let me ask you something else. You told me that before handing you over Simon gave you a shot, right?"

"Yes."

"Okay, then let me see if I've got this straight. You said that he handed you over to Leoben at night... and that the first time they took you to the center's medical facility was on the second morning after the handover, do I have the times right?"

"Yeah, so?"

"So the first time he did that was somewhere between thirty-two and thirty-six hours after the handover?"

"I guess."

"And in the two other instances, do you remember Simon giving you a shot in a similar timeframe?"

"Yes, why?"

"Nothing."

"Don't you frakking lie to me! You know what he was doing, don't you?" she growls.

"I have a theory, yes," I admit.

"And?"

"And I don't think you want to know," I warn her, though I seriously doubt that is going to do me much good.

"Don't give me that crap! What was that bastard doing to me?" she insists and I can see that she is not going to let this go.

"I can't be sure, not entirely, but what you are describing sounds suspiciously like an ova retrieval to me."

"A _**what**_?"

"Now, this is just a theory and I could be completely wrong about it but your bloodwork when you first came in suggested that they had been giving you some pretty powerful fertility drugs to increase your chances of conceiving."

"Tell me something I don't know," she mutters.

"Well, in order to understand what they were doing first you have to understand how those drugs work and to do that you have to realize that each month your ovaries release a single egg," I explain.

"Believe it or not, I know that much," she says, rolling her eyes at me.

"Yes, well, but the thing is that even under the best of circumstances your chances of conceiving in any given month are roughly one in five,_**maybe**_ one in four. Now, those odds are far from ideal and in a way there's not much you can do to change them --at least not directly-- but that doesn't mean they can't be tweaked in other ways. You see, the drugs they were giving you don't increase the chances that that one egg will be fertilized but instead they work by stimulating your ovaries to release more than one egg at a time and from then on it's simple math. If you have two eggs instead of one your overall chances of success go up to a little more than one in three. Three eggs and you are theoretically above the fifty percent line... in other words, the more eggs you have, the higher your chances that at least one of them will take.

"Of course, the downside of this approach is that by messing with the number of eggs your body releases each month those drugs also increase your chances of conceiving more than one baby and the bottom line is that the human body was not designed to carry litters. That means that a pregnancy with more than one foetus is not a desirable outcome and one with more than two is automatically deemed to be 'very high risk'... especially for the babies who are always premature.

"From a medical perspective that means that under normal circumstances, if you are going to either let nature take its course or use artificial insemination, a cycle in which more than four follicles have matured should probably be abandoned for safety's sake, however with a more invasive treatment --such as in-vitro fertilization, where the eggs are fertilized outside the body and can then be either re-implanted or frozen for later use-- that is not really an issue. In fact in those instances a surplus may actually be deemed a 'good thing' because you are then in a position to implant two or maybe three of those embryos, freeze the rest and, if that first batch doesn't take, implant the others as needed _**without**_ having to go back in to collect any additional eggs beforehand."

"Okay, I get that, though I don't know what that has to do with me, doc. Believe me, the bastards were going with a traditional approach," she growls.

"Actually, I'm not so sure about that."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that we have to at least consider the possibility that the cylons may have been using a two-pronged strategy. Yes, they were going with a traditional approach, there's no question about that --and, by the way, if my suspicions are correct what triggered Leoben's heightened interest in you at those specific junctures probably had something to do with the fact that he knew that those were the days in which you would have been most likely to conceive-- but at the same time they may have been trying to get as many eggs to mature as possible and harvesting that 'surplus'. Remember that, unlike what would have been the case with a 'traditional' fertility treatment, they may have been trying to keep as many doors open as possible, to keep themselves from putting all their 'eggs' in one basket, if you will. After all, once those eggs had been fertilized then the resulting embryos could just as easily have been implanted into a surrogate and that in turn would have vastly increased their overall chances of success."

"And that's what you think they were doing?"

"I'm afraid so, yes," I admit.

"No, that can't be it... if that were the case then the instances would match and they don't. There was a 'missing' time, a time in which Leoben couldn't keep his hands off of me _**without **_Simon doing anything," she reminds me, shaking her head.

"And that could be easily explained by the fact that the effects of the drugs they were giving you are not entirely predictable so it wouldn't have been all that unusual for you to have had one cycle in which there were no surplus eggs for them to harvest in the first place. In fact that would fit perfectly seeing how they had you for _**four**_ months but, going by what you've told me, they only seem to have harvested your eggs _**three**_ times," I point out, even though I know this is the last thing she wants to hear.

"So they could still have...?" she trails off, looking horrified at the thought and I can do nothing but nod at that.


	33. Chapter 33

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 33  
(Adama's POV)

What Cottle is hinting at is almost more than I can take and if it is this bad for me I don't even want to contemplate how hard this must be for Kara, who probably feels like all of a sudden she has been thrust right back into a nightmare she had thought she had escaped. The problem is that the scenario Cottle is describing is not just horrifying... it is also disgustingly _**logical**_ and something I can easily picture the cylons doing. The truth is that, even though up until now we had focused mostly on Leoben and his twisted mind-games, he is only _**one**_ out of a number of cylons and, while they have a common goal, their implanted personalities are different enough to allow them to approach a single problem from a number of different perspectives. In other words, from the moment she said that at first she had been handed over to _**Simon**_, we should have realized that Leoben hadn't been operating alone.

Of course, I also know that right now that doesn't really matter, that right now our top priority has to be Kara herself because, as disturbing as the idea that we may yet find ourselves having to face the 'consequences' of her captivity someday in the future may be, it is not our most pressing concern. That is something we may have to deal with _**eventually**_, not now, and one of the first lessons a soldier has to learn if he is to survive is that allowing himself to be distracted by what _**might**_ happen in a future battle is the best way to ensure that he won't make it through the _**current**_ one.

Still, whether we like it or not, this is something we are going to have to address and if we want to be able to do that we are going to need a better idea of what the frak is going on here.

"Lee, would you mind staying with her for a moment, please. I'd like to have a word with Cottle," I say, trying hard to keep my temper under control, especially in light of the devastation I can see reflected on Kara's eyes.

"Sure, dad," he says, looking rather worried himself.

"Would you mind telling me what the frak was that all about?" I ask, glaring at the doctor as soon as I'm sure we are alone.

"What the frak was _**what**_ all about?"

"That little speech!" I all but yell at him.

"It was about something called 'the facts', you may have heard about them," he growls.

"Don't give me that crap! She didn't need to hear that, not now... especially not after everything she went through with that little girl and you knew it!" I insist.

"Oh, you are right about that but there was nothing else I could have done... not without making matters worse," he replies.

"You told us that we had to tread carefully and then you..." I begin but Cottle interrupts me.

"I know, but what you don't seem to realize is that I didn't have a choice... not without making an even bigger mess out of this one. Yes, that was bad --very bad-- and I wish it hadn't been necessary but at the same time it was still the lesser evil," he insists.

"The lesser evil?" I repeat, still trying --without much success-- to understand what it is that Cottle is _**not**_ saying here.

"Yes. She had a right to know what the cylons had done to her, there was no doubt about that. The only real question was whether she should have been told about it now or if she should have been told about it later... and while 'later' would definitely have been preferable, given the fact that she was _**asking**_ about it now, any attempt to put it off would have entailed lying to her, at least in the short term, and that was precisely the one thing we could _**not**_ afford to do. Remember the odds I mentioned after she made it out of surgery?" he asks, seemingly out of nowhere.

"Yes. You told us that she had a fifty percent chance if we could somehow manage to regain her trust and a twenty percent chance if we didn't," I reply, even though I'm still not entirely sure as to where this is going.

"Well, what you have to keep in mind is that lying to her wouldn't have done us much good in terms of regaining her trust and that trust was the key to my original assessment --and it still is-- though the odds themselves have changed since then."

"They have changed?"

"Yes. The good news is that she is doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances, that she at least seems to be willing to do her part to meet us half-way, and that means that we could probably change that fifty/fifty to a sixty/forty in her favor, though she is still nowhere near out of the woods. The bad news is that --seeing how in these past few days she has come to rely on the fact that we are actually going to be there for her-- if any one of us were to do anything that could possibly be perceived as a betrayal of that budding trust then that original eighty/twenty would probably turn into a ninety/ten against her. Simply put, the fact that she has managed to climb part way out of the hole is deeply reassuring but it also means that if she were to slip back into it she would now have a greater distance to fall... and as much as I may not have wanted to tell her what I suspected the cylons had done to her, I knew lying to her was not a risk we could afford to take."

"Is she going to be alright?" I ask, finally realizing where Cottle is coming from, even if I'm still far from comfortable with any of this.

"It won't be easy and it will probably take a while for her to come to terms with it but yes, in the long run, I think so... and, if nothing else, at least now we _**won't**_ have to worry about the possibility that this whole thing will come back to bite us on the ass when we can least afford it."


	34. Chapter 34

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1... and if you could take a moment to review I would really, REALLY, appreciate it!**_

Chapter 34  
(Lee's POV)

To say that the situation is awkward would be an understatement. In fact calling that an understatement would be an understatement in itself but at the same time I know there's not much I can do to change that.

The thing is that I'm still trying to wrap my mind around some of the things I've heard here today and, while I desperately want to reassure Kara _**somehow**_, I am almost painfully aware of the fact that so far the only thing I have managed to accomplish here has been to dig myself into a deeper hole, that no matter _**what**_ I say, Kara seems to be determined to twist my words beyond recognition, but I am also having a hard time trying to force myself to remain silent.

I'm still trying to figure out what to say when I hear Kara's voice.

"You don't have to stay," she whispers.

"What?"

"I said that you don't have to..."

"I heard you the first time," I interrupt her, still not sure what the frak is going on in that crazy head of hers.

"Then why are you here?"

"Because I want to be. You are my friend, Kara, and nothing is going to change that."

"How can you say that after...?" she trails off, looking away, but I know her well enough to know what she is thinking, not that that is likely to do me much good here.

"Because none of it was your fault, damn it!"

"Are you frakking kidding me? I mean what part of 'I did what he wanted me to' _**didn't**_ you understand?"

"The part where you seem to think that you actually had a choice! You were his prisoner, Kara, your life was in his hands and as far as I'm concerned you did whatever you had to do to survive. _**That**_ is the only thing I care about!" I growl, wishing that I could just make her understand but knowing that this is not going to be anywhere near that simple.

"That's a lie!"

"No, it's not."

"So, if instead of just wanting to frak me and turn me into a gods damned cylon incubator, Leoben had questioned me for information on the resistance I should just have told him what he wanted to know because, as far as you are concerned, my survival was the only thing that mattered? Is that what they taught you in War College?"

"No, but... there were no other lives at stake, Kara. That is the difference."

"Yeah, right," she snorts.

"So what else do you _**think**_ you should have done? I mean, you must have some sort of idea," I push, knowing that I'm playing a dangerous game here but not really seeing any other choice.

"I don't know, I should have fought him harder!"

"And do you honestly think that that would have changed anything? He was a cylon, damn it. There wasn't a frakking thing you could have done and we both know it. He was stronger than you and even if you had killed him a thousand times he would still have kept coming back."

"Believe me, I know that much. Hell, I killed the bastard over and over and it didn't change a frakking thing but that's _**not**_ the frakking point."

"Then what is the frakking point? That you should have pushed him into killing you?" I push.

"Maybe."

"That's crazy!"

"Why?"

"Because... you wish he would have done it, don't you?" I ask as the pieces finally fall into place.

"What I wanted didn't really matter, believe me I learned that particular lesson early on."

"And do you still feel that way?"

"What?"

"Do you still think that what you want doesn't matter?"

"I don't know... I just..."

"You just what?"

"It's nothing."

"No, it's not nothing. What is it?"

"You don't understand."

"Then make me, gods damn it!" I growl, utterly fed up with this whole situation.

"I can't!"

"Yes, you can. What is it that you think I don't understand?"

"I..."

"You what?"

"I didn't fight him! Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Somehow I don't think it's anywhere near that simple," I say, knowing that I have to tread carefully here, that I have to keep Kara talking without letting her goad me into a fight in the process. Of course, seeing how she knows _**exactly**_ which buttons to push, that is probably going to be easier said than done.

"Why? Because you don't want it to be? Because it doesn't fit in with your neat little picture of the way things should have been?" she taunts me.

"No, because I know you," I reply, refusing to play along.

"Then maybe you don't!"

"Don't give me that crap!"

"It's the truth, damn it! No matter how you twist it the fact is that I just lay there and let the bastard do whatever he wanted to me! I didn't _**have**_ to sleep with him, he didn't make me, but I did it anyway and I did it willingly. Hell, eventually I got so used to it all that I would barely wake up, spread my legs for him when he started fondling me and then --as soon as he was done-- I would just turn around and go back to sleep without giving it a second thought!"

"And would thinking about it have changed anything?" I find myself asking.

"_**WHAT?!**_"

"You heard me."

"Yes, but..."

"Then answer the frakking question. Would thinking about it have changed anything?" I insist.

"No, but..."

"And trying to fight him? Do you honestly think you would have been able to stop him if you'd tried?"

"No, but..."

"So killing him didn't help, thinking about it didn't help and the same goes for trying to fight him. So, what else do you think you could have done, Kara?"

"I don't know, damn it! I should have fought harder!"

"Wrong answer. We have already established that trying to fight him wouldn't have done you any real good, that you didn't have a say in anything that was done to you in those four months. The only thing your continued defiance could possibly have hoped to accomplish would have been to make matters even worse for you and you know it, so what do you think you could have done that would actually have made a difference as far as _**Leoben**_ was concerned? What could you have done that would have led to a different outcome?"

"I don't know, damn it! Like you said, maybe I should have made him kill me!"

"He wouldn't have done it and you know it. He needed you alive so killing you wasn't an option, not really," I say, not even wanting to think about it.

"Then maybe I should have saved him the frakking trouble and done it myself, gods damn it!"

"Don't say that, don't you _**ever**_ say that!" I growl, grabbing her by the shoulders as I literally try to shake some sense into her.

"Why not? It's the frakking truth! I kept killing him, even though I knew he would just come back, but maybe if I had turned the frakking knife on myself _**then**_ I could have put an end to it once and for all!" she yells.

"And why didn't you?" I ask, letting her go as I suddenly realize what it is that I'm actually doing. So much for not letting her goad me into a fight.

"I don't know... maybe because, as stupid as it sounds, I wanted to live..."

"And now?"

"Now what?"

"Do you still feel that way? Do you still want to live?" I ask, needing to know but terrified of what her answer to that question might be.

"The truth?"

"Yes."

"I don't know... I don't want to give up, I don't want to let the bastard win but I... I'm tired, Lee, really tired," she whispers.

"It's over now. You can rest, you don't have to keep on fighting, not any more."

"You are wrong. It's not over... it's never going to be."

"Not if you don't let it," I agree.

"'Let it'?"

"Yes. What you went through was... I don't even know how to say it but you can't go on like this. You have to let it go, Kara."

"It's not so frakking simple, Lee! I can't..."

"Yes, you can, damn it! What would you say if instead of fixating on you Leoben had fixated on, I don't know, Cally? Would you think any of it had been her fault?" I ask, deciding to try a different approach.

"No, but..."

"So you wouldn't blame Cally, fair enough... how about Dee or Kat then, I mean Kat is a pilot, just like you, so would you have blamed her?"

"She wasn't there, she was here," she points out, deliberately sidestepping the issue.

"Assume that she was," I say, rolling my eyes at her.

"No, I wouldn't have."

"So it would have been okay for Kat to do what you did but not for the almighty Starbuck, is that it?" I ask.

"What are you getting at, Adama?"

"How about the fact that you did the only thing you could have done in order to survive, to keep yourself going and _**no-one**_ is likely to hold that against you?"

"Yeah, right," she snorts.

"Okay, so maybe I was wrong about that."

"You think?"

"Yes. Now that I think about it I can see that there is one person who is definitely holding what you did against you."

"Just one?"

"Yes: you."

"You are frakking crazy!"

"No, he is right," comes my dad's voice and I wonder just how long has he been standing there, listening in on our little chat.


	35. Chapter 35

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1**_

Chapter 35  
(Kara's POV)

I almost jump out of my skin when I hear the Old Man's voice and I don't have a frakking clue of what to do. I wish I could just get away but I know I can't. Hell, I _**still**_ can't take more than a couple of steps without feeling completely exhausted and even that is at a snail's pace, so I really don't think I'm going to make it out of this room... and even if by some miracle I _**could**_ manage to make it out of here and get past both Adamas, Cottle, and whatever medic I happen to run into along the way, where the frak would I go?

"Kara?" I hear the Old Man call my name but I can't bring myself to meet his eyes. I just want this whole thing to be over with once and for all --hell, I thought it _**was**_ over-- but I'm afraid we are back to square one now.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do when I feel the mattress dip as Adama sits on my bed and reaches for my hand.

"Talk to me," he prods.

"How much did you hear?" I blurt out before I can even stop myself.

"Enough."

"Oh," I whisper, not quite knowing how to respond.

"Hey, give me your eyes," he orders, gently grabbing my chin and forcing me to look up... whether I want to or not. "None of it was your fault. You have to know that."

"You weren't there, you don't know what..."

"I know everything I need to know," he interrupts me.

"No, you don't."

"Oh, I know I'm missing a couple of details --more than a couple, in fact-- but Lee is right, you are the only one who seems to think that you actually had a choice about any of it," he insists and I almost find myself believing him... almost. Hell, I _**want**_ to believe him, I want it so badly but...

"How can you say that?" I finally ask, still trying to understand.

"Because it's the truth. What you went through... I can't even begin to imagine what being there was like, I can't imagine what you are going through and I sure as hell can't take it away but none of it was your fault and we are here now. You don't have to do this alone, not any more."

"He is right, Kara. You are safe now... as for New Caprica I..." Lee begins before trailing off and looking away.

"You what?" I prod, somewhat puzzled by his reaction.

"Let's just say that the whole thing was a frakking mess and leave it at that, okay? It was a bad idea, one that was doomed from the start and we really should have known better," he says.

"Yes, well, short of a coup there wasn't much we could have done to prevent it," I remind him.

"I know, it was the will of the people but it was still stupid to think that the cylons wouldn't find us and we should really have known better than to try to bury our collective heads in the sand, or in the nebula as the case might be. It was naive to think that the cylons would just give up the chase and leave us alone because we wanted them to and that was one lesson we should have learned after what happened the _**last**_ time we let our guard down, the last time we allowed ourselves to think that the cylons had gone away.

"Oh, I know it wasn't quite so simple. I can understand _**why**_ the people voted the way they did, why they allowed themselves to be fooled into believing that the cylons would never be able to find that particular planet. They wanted to believe that they would finally have a chance to rest after months on the run. It was an appealing idea, I'll give you that --one that was exploited by Baltar and Zarek-- but settling there was still a risky proposition, a proposition that 'the people' should have known better than to take. We had no real means to protect that gods forsaken rock and they should have known that two battlestars would be no match for a cylon fleet, to say nothing of the fact that evacuating a frakking planet was bound to take more than a couple of minutes. Hell, yours may be an extreme case but do you honestly think you are the only one who would kill for a do-over? Do you really believe that those who voted for Baltar have no regrets? After all, if it _**hadn't**_ been for them, if Roslin had won the election in the first place, New Caprica would never have come to pass and don't even get me started on the rest of us, on those of us who _**didn't**_ settle. I mean, you may be blaming yourself for the fact that you couldn't do more to fight Leoben but..." he trails off, again.

"But what?" I ask, again, still not entirely sure as to where this is going. Oh, there is no denying that settling on New Caprica was a stupid mistake, one we paid for dearly, but it sure as hell wasn't _**Lee's**_ stupid mistake.

"But, even if you don't believe it, the bottom line is that it really wasn't your fault and that is more than can be said for the rest of us. We all made our choices, Kara, and now we have to live with the consequences. We fled when the cylons arrived, we left you there to your own devices and it took us four frakking months to make it back... and the truth is that we almost didn't go back, that I argued _**against**_ returning. I was willing to abandon you there, I was willing to leave you in Leoben's hands and even though I wish I could change that, I can't so if you want someone to blame, I'm right here."


	36. Chapter 36

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 36  
(Adama's POV)

"Now that is enough, both of you. This is not about who is to blame," I interrupt them, taken somewhat aback by Lee's 'confession'. Sure, I was aware of what his position prior to our return to New Caprica had been but I really wasn't expecting such an outpour of guilt.

"But..."

"I said enough. Yes, it's true that as soon as the cylon fleet appeared we jumped away and it's true that it took us four months to go back, there's no denying that, but leaving wasn't your decision, it was mine, to say nothing of the fact that at the time that was our only choice," I remind him. "Sure, by jumping away when we did we left the colonists to their own devices but --as you said-- two battlestars would have been no match for the cylon fleet. We had no real means to defend our position so we did the only thing we could do if we wanted to live to fight another day. That was my top priority. After all, if we had allowed ourselves to be killed in a foolhardy attempt to make a stand back then we would have effectively doomed everyone on the ground."

"How can you say that?" asks Lee, glaring at me.

"I can say it because it's true. Leaving New Caprica when we did was not an easy decision for me to make and it's certainly not one I am proud of but it _**was**_ necessary," I insist before going on. "Command is not about having the power to do what you want to do, son, it's about having the strength to do what has to be done regardless of how painful it may be and the bottom line is that if both the '_Galactica_' and the '_Pegasus_' had been destroyed when the cylons first showed up that would have been it. In fact even when we went back four months later the odds were stacked heavily against us and we knew there would be no second chances. That's why I told you to stay behind in the first place... not that it did me much good."

"Wait, you told him to stay behind?" asks Kara, who obviously hadn't even tried to figure out the details of what had happened during the exodus from New Caprica, a lack of interest that serves as a painful reminder of what her frame of mind had been like since then... and of how much I failed to notice.

"Yes. Even though by then we had an idea as to what the situation on the ground was like and we had an inkling as to what it was that we would be jumping into --and even though having the '_Pegasus_' there would certainly have improved our odds-- the risk was just too great. There were no guarantees that our rescue attempt would be successful so leaving the fleet completely unprotected was not an option, or it shouldn't have been," I explain before going on.

"As for the four months it took us to go back in the first place, well, that was due mostly to the fact that that was how long it took Saul and the resistance to contact us. Any attempt to go back before that contact hat been made would have been suicidal and you know it. We were up against a superior force and we needed the resistance to work in tandem with us to create a diversion, not to mention that time _**wasn't**_ on our side so we needed the colonists as a whole to be ready to get out of there fast."

"That is no excuse, I..." Lee begins but I interrupt him.

"But in the end you _**did**_ go back, even if that meant defying a direct order and you sacrificed your own ship to do it. You went back in spite of the fact that by doing so you were jeopardizing the survival of the remainder of the fleet."

"The fleet?" asks Kara, who apparently is still struggling to piece the events together in her mind.

"Yes. Even though the '_Pegasus_' had left her vipers and some of her raptors behind, if something had gone wrong and both battlestars had been lost, then whatever was left of the fleet wouldn't have stood a chance," I explain before turning my attention back to my son. "As for what you said before we went back, I know you were against my decision and yes, in hindsight I think it is safe to say that going back was the right thing to do but at the time we didn't know that. At the time we didn't have the benefit of 'hindsight' and yours was an opinion that deserved to be heard. Besides, regardless of what you said, when the time came for you to act --when it really mattered-- you did what had to be done and you did it in spite of the cost and in spite of your own misgivings. That is the only thing that counts. As for the question of who is to blame, my first choice would be 'the cylons' and if that is not good enough for you then you may want to consider Baltar."

"That's not what I..." Lee says but I cut him off.

"I know, son, but now is not the time for us to get into that," I remind him, realizing just how exhausted Kara is looking and knowing that this latest argument is _**not**_ going to add anything to what has already been said here.

"But..." Kara tries to protest but I interrupt her.

"Oh, don't worry, we _**will**_ talk about it later --believe me, this is _**not**_ over-- but right now you are tired, you are still recovering and I think you've had about as much 'excitement' for one day as you can take," I say, reaching for her hand and kissing her forehead in a gesture that I _**hope**_ will put an end to this, at least for the time being... and maybe, if I'm lucky, buy me some time to at least_**try**_ to digest everything I've learned here today.

* * *

_**Author's notes**_: Hi guys, okay first of all sorry about the delay. I know I was supposed to post this thing last week but let's just say that the flu is not exactly conductive when it comes to writing... or anything else for that matter (in fact I'm still not too comfortable with how this chapter turned out). I also want to thank those of you who have reviewed in these past couple of weeks, I really appreciate you taking the time to do so and I'm sorry I haven't replied but unfortunately I'm still trying to get back on schedule... what can I say, things _**really**_ haven't been going my way.

Take care and thanks for reading,

Alec


	37. Chapter 37

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 37  
(Laura's POV)

I am waiting for Bill, wondering what the frak is going on. Sure, things have been crazy since we managed to escape from New Caprica and I myself have been too busy trying to get back into the role of president and trying to undo the damage done by Baltar to give much thought to whatever it is that has been going on here on the Galactica lately, but not any more.

Oh, I'm still busy --that certainly hasn't changed-- but I am also determined to get to the bottom of this, especially because I am convinced that there is _**something**_ going on, something I'm not being told... and I don't particularly enjoy being kept in the dark. Hell, in these past couple of weeks I've found Bill's XO in charge of the CIC more times than I did in all the months before we settled on New Caprica and more than once Captain Agathon has seemed almost reluctant to patch me through.

That is why I'm here... and it is also why I told Helo _**not**_ to inform Bill of my arrival: I want an honest answer and I suspect that catching him off guard is the only way I'm going to get it.

I am still thinking about that when I hear the hatch open and I steel myself for what I suspect is going to turn out to be a rather unpleasant confrontation.

"Madam President," he greets me formally even as he tries to come to terms with my presence in his quarters.

"Bill," I reply, deliberately using his name and letting him know that I'm not here as the President of the Twelve Colonies and that I'm not looking for the Admiral of the Fleet either.

"Is there something going on?"

"Funny you should ask... especially considering that I was about to ask you the exact same thing."

"I beg your pardon."

"What is going on, Bill?" I prod, deciding that giving him a chance to collect his thoughts is _**not**_ in my best interest here. This is a battle and I know I'm going to need every advantage I can get.

"Nothing," he replies, rather defensively.

"Nothing?" I repeat, not even trying to keep the disbelief out of my voice.

"It's personal," he finally says.

"You are the Admiral of the fleet, Bill, you don't get that luxury," I point out.

"Excuse me?"

"Whatever it is that is bothering you, it is affecting your performance and we simply can't afford that. I have spoken to Helo more in these past couple of weeks than I spoke to Tigh in all the months before we settled on New Caprica."

"Helo knows where to find me if he needs me... and he should have called me the moment you landed," he growls, sounding far from pleased.

"I asked him not to but that is not the point. So, would you mind telling me where you've been?"

"I already told you, that's personal."

"Don't give me that crap. Where were you?" I insist, not willing to back down even though I am well aware that trying to out-stubborn an Adama is bound to be a major challenge.

"Sickbay," he grudgingly admits.

"Are you okay?" I ask with a sudden sense of dread... especially because I suspect that 'sickbay' is not just the answer to where he's been today but also to the question of where he's been most of these past couple of weeks... and if there is one person this fleet can not afford to lose, it is Bill.

"Yes."

"And yet you seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time there lately. Now, seeing how I don't think you are doing it because you enjoy Cottle's company, would you mind telling me what is really going on here?"

"I made a mistake, a big one, and I've been trying to deal with the fallout, that's all," he growls.

"What kind of mistake?" I prod when he doesn't elaborate.

"You are not going to let this go, are you?" he asks, glaring at me.

"No."

"Fine. One of my officer's behavior was causing some friction among my crew and when I tried to address the situation I miscalculated and ended up pushing someone who was already _**on**_ the edge _**over**_ it."

"What happened?"

"Suicide attempt," he mutters after hesitating for a moment.

"I see, is he going to be okay?" I ask, though I still feel like I am missing something here, like there is more to this whole story than I am being told.

"Physically she is out of danger but..." he trails off.

"She?" I repeat, not liking where this is going.

"Yes."

"Kara?" I whisper as the pieces finally fall into place.

"How did you know?"

"Do I even have to answer that?"

"No, I guess not," he admits.

"And you didn't think I had a right to know?" I growl, feeling almost betrayed.

"What?"

"You are my friend, Bill, but so is she. You should have told me."

"I'm sorry, I didn't think."

"Didn't think is right," I mutter, still not willing to let it go.

"I didn't realize that you were that close," he points out in an obvious attempt to defend himself.

"We weren't but, in case you haven't noticed, New Caprica changed things... for all of us. When the cylons first attacked, when the colonies were destroyed, I had just been told that I had a few months to live and then a few hours after that I was thrust into the role of president with no warning whatsoever. I never had a chance to process any of it and then doing whatever it took to keep the fleet going, to lead our people to safety became my only purpose. Back then I had a whiteboard with a population count on it and I knew that the future of mankind depended on that number but in a way that number remained an abstract figure. While we were on the run I was isolated on Colonial One and the people I served were, for the most part, nameless and faceless... and then, for the second time in a matter of months, everything changed. All of a sudden I found myself in remission and almost immediately after that I lost the election and we settled on New Caprica. Let's just say that that gave me a brand new perspective."

"A new perspective?"

"Yes. Down there I was no longer 'The President', I was no longer isolated and I actually had a life to look forward to. Back on New Caprica I was just a school teacher. I had one year in which I was just another colonist trying to survive and, for the first time since the attacks, I had an opportunity to get to know the people I had been leading up to that point... and I made some friends, some good friends, along the way. Kara was one of those."

"I'm sorry."

"So, would you mind telling me what happened?"

"As I said, I miscalculated. Her attitude had been causing some problems, she was making what was already a bad situation worse and I gave her an ultimatum. I told her that she could either shape up or ship out. A few minutes later I got a call telling me that she was in surgery and that Cottle was not optimistic."

"But she is doing better now?"

"Physically. Emotionally... well, the truth is that she is still a mess and Cottle is not really sure of what to do about it. She may be on the mend but, seeing how right now the physical aspect of this is really the least of our worries, that doesn't really mean much."

"And the part you aren't telling me about?"

"Excuse me?"

"There is something you aren't telling me," I insist, not willing to back down.

"Maybe, but that's not my story to tell," he replies, looking more than a little uncomfortable.

"Fair enough," I agree, realizing that he has a point but also realizing that his reluctance to talk about it is not a good sign. "When can I see her?"

"Not now," he blurts out before explaining. "She was asleep when I left and... let's just say that today was a bad day."

"A 'bad day'?" I repeat, wondering just what he means by that.

"Yes. We needed some answers so we decided that the time had come for us to ask some questions."

"We?" I prod, growing increasingly frustrated with Bill's half-answers.

"Cottle, Lee and myself," he explains, rubbing his face and looking incredibly tired.

"That bad?" I ask, though I know better than to expect a real answer.

"Yes."

"So how are you handling it?"

"Me?"

"She is your daughter, Bill. Maybe not by blood but..." I trail off.

"I know but... I don't know... I really don't know," he admits, not really looking at me and something in the way he says that finally makes me realize just how worried he still is.


	38. Chapter 38

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 38  
(Adama's POV)

I'm afraid I'm caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place here.

Even though I know Laura means well, I also know she doesn't have a clue of what happened on New Caprica, she doesn't know what it is that we are dealing with here and I am almost painfully aware of the fact that it's not my place to fill her in but at the same time she _**is**_ the President and that means I can't order her to stay away. She is the one person I can't control and that's a problem because I am all too aware of what the stakes are, of the damage Laura could do by going in blind.

The truth is that ever since she first woke up, and with the exception of her disastrous 'reunion' with Sam, Kara has had almost no contact with anyone who _**doesn't**_ know. Lee and I have been there, as has Cottle, but that has been the extent of it and even the doctor has been careful to keep the staff that is tending to her to a minimum. In fact, now that I think about it, I can see that that 'staff' has effectively been reduced to one: Ishay, a woman Cottle trusts... and even there I suspect that he filled her in on some of the basic facts of Kara's case.

That would be SOP as far as the medical staff is concerned but the thing is that just by marching into sickbay Laura is bound to bring a new variable into play and I don't know if Kara is ready for it.

Sure, the rational part of my mind knows that sooner or later Kara is going to have to start interacting with people who don't know what she's been through, especially because eventually she _**will**_ be released and I don't intend to make a ship-wide announcement when that happens. In that regard Laura is as close to 'safe' as we are likely to get for a first encounter. Unfortunately I am also well aware that 'close to safe' is not the same thing as 'safe enough', so that is not much comfort.

On the one hand there is the fact that Laura is a woman, she is more experienced and less impulsive than most of Kara's friends but on the other she is curious, she is not used to taking 'no' for an answer and she could easily end up pushing too hard without even noticing. That's what's bothering me.

Simply put, it is one thing for her to tell _**me**_ that I don't get the luxury of 'personal' and quite another for her to say something like that to Kara... especially now.

I am still thinking about that when I realize that Laura is speaking to me.

"What is it, Bill?"

"Nothing," I reply, not really meeting her eyes and still not knowing how to explain but she just raises an eyebrow at that and I realize that I'm going to have to do better than that.

"I don't want to see her hurt," I finally say after hesitating for a moment.

"And you think I do? Do you really think I'm going to hurt her?" she asks, glaring at me.

"Not deliberately, no, but..." I trail off.

"But there is something you aren't telling me and you are worried about it. You are afraid that I am going to accidentally say or do something that is going to make this worse," she finishes for me, letting out a sigh.

"Something like that," I admit before going on. "I almost lost her and... I don't want you to push."

"I won't," she promises.

"Fair enough," I agree after a couple of seconds, knowing that that is the most I am likely to get here, so I reluctantly pick up the phone to ask Cottle to let us know the moment Kara wakes up and I also ask him to give her a heads up about Laura's impending visit... to let her know what is coming.

To say that Cottle is not happy about this would be an understatement, especially when he asks me what Laura has been told and I tell him 'nothing' but this is out of my hands and he knows it, this is something I can't protect her from... and I hate it.


	39. Chapter 39

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1**_

Chapter 39  
(Laura's POV)

Of course Lee is glaring at me, why wouldn't he be? I mean, after Bill and Cottle I know I should probably have been expecting it but honestly, this is getting ridiculous and I've just about had it. Yes, I know they are worried and I know there is something I'm not being told. I know Kara had a close call, I know I have to tread carefully and I know I'm not allowed to ask questions but I'm not the enemy here, damn it!

Sure, I understand where they are coming from and I do realize that in a way this is an untenable situation as far as they are concerned. I understand that on the one hand Kara gave them quite a scare but on the other they feel it's not their place to tell me exactly what happened, what triggered this, and because of my 'ignorance' they see me as a threat.

I can respect that but I also know that there would be a simple solution to this particular dilemma. Unfortunately that solution would require Kara herself to fill me in on the details and I can tell just by looking at her that she is in no shape to do that. In fact she seems almost as distraught by my presence here as Lee and that is not something I had been expecting to see.

Right now she is worrying her lower lip and looking almost like a trapped animal so I guess my first priority has to be to set her mind at ease --to set _**their**_ minds at ease-- something that would be a lot easier if I actually had a clue as to what it is that I am supposed to be dealing with here and that brings me right back to the beginning, to the problem of what I _**don't**_ know.

That is the key and the bottom line is that the fact that I don't know and I cant ask doesn't necessarily mean that I can't figure it out. In fact, come to think of it, I _**have**_ to figure it out if we are ever going to move past the 'glaring stage'.

So what _**do**_ I know?

I know that Kara tried to kill herself and I know Bill is blaming himself for it. I know Lee and Cottle are worried and more than a little overprotective. I also know they know why she did it but they feel it's not their place to tell me... that they are determined to respect her privacy. Those are the basic facts but those facts are nowhere near enough for me to figure out what is going on here... though at least they provide me with a frame of reference, with something remotely resembling a starting point. The next question is what can be inferred from those facts.

The first thing is that --regardless of what Bill said about the fact that he made a mistake-- whatever it was that pushed her over the edge can almost certainly be traced back to New Caprica rather than to what he might have said. That is where the bad attitude he mentioned stemmed from.

So I guess what I have to figure out is what happened to her down there, what the cylons did to her. That is where things get complicated.

Oh, I know she was taken on the first day of the occupation and I know she wasn't seen or heard from until after we escaped. I know what that detention center was like and I can only imagine what kind of toll spending four months in that hellhole must have taken on her but at the same time I know that there has to be more to it than that. Simply put, while that would account for Kara's actions, if that were the extent of it Bill, Cottle and Lee wouldn't be this defensive.

That means that Kara was probably singled out for some sort of 'special treatment' and, as far as I'm concerned, the cylons' 'standard hospitality' was bad enough already.

The next question is what did that 'special treatment' entail, what was it that she went through. I don't know and, if I want to figure it out, I'm going to have to do precisely the one thing Bill always advises against: I'm going to have to speculate.

The first thought that crosses my mind in that regard is that she was tortured. That would be the most logical explanation but, while that remains a distinct possibility, I am fairly certain that there was a lot more to it than that. Simply put, even though I could see Bill refusing to go into too much detail about what it was that the cylons did to her, I don't think he would have been so adamant about not telling me about it. I know him and I don't think he would have perceived a statement such as 'she was tortured' as a betrayal of trust... or at least not a major one.

Maybe that is the key: Bill's reaction... and Lee's... and Cottle's.

Whatever it is that she's been through, it has stirred all three of them into an overprotective frenzy... and while I can see guilt being a driving force behind Bill's determination to 'keep her safe', that still doesn't explain the other two, especially not Cottle.

The more I think about it, the more I suspect that there was a sexual element to whatever it was that the cylons did to her. That would be the most logical explanation.

As I said, I know Bill and I don't think he would have perceived something like 'she was _**tortured**_ by the cylons' as a betrayal of trust but at the same time something along the lines of 'she was _**raped**_ by the cylons' would have been a very different matter... and that would also explain his desire to wrap 'his little girl' in cotton and keep her safe from the big, bad world. That is what any self-respecting, overprotective 'father' would be expected to do under the circumstances... and it would also serve to explain the glares I got from both Lee and the doctor. Simply put, what I have seen here so far is something that can be described as a fairly typical _**male**_ reaction to the realization that a woman they care about has been raped.

Okay, so I have a general idea as to what _**may**_ have happened to her, what _**may**_ have triggered this, and that is something but at the same time I am all too aware of the fact that a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing and, even though now I have a general idea as to where I stand, I can't afford to forget that there is a very big difference between knowing where I stand and knowing what my next step should be.


	40. Chapter 40

_**For notes warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 40  
(Laura's POV)

The first thing I do once I realize what it is that I'm dealing with here is to ask Lee to give us some privacy. I can see that he is not happy about that and neither is Kara but being the president does have its advantages and they both know better than to argue.

Oh, I know Lee is worried but, while I certainly don't mean to hurt Kara, I don't intend to coddle her either and because of that I am afraid that having him here would only serve to make matters worse. I may have little to no experience when it comes to military strategy but one thing I do know is that --all other things being equal-- it is preferable to have a single, well-defined front when you march into battle than to try to fight on two of them at once.

Sure, I know things are not equal because Lee's absence is not going to do much to reassure Kara but her unease is still preferable to having to worry about the possibility of saying something that will hurt her in an attempt to reassure _**him**_. Of course, now that Lee is not here to act as a buffer, I have to deal with Kara and that can be a daunting challenge in and of itself.

I am still trying to figure out what to say, well aware that the situation is growing more awkward by the second. It may not be the kindest of images but right now the look in her eyes reminds me of a wild, cornered animal and that is not exactly comforting.

"How are you?" I ask, looking for something remotely resembling a safe opening.

"Bored," she replies, effectively sidestepping my question and not meeting my eyes.

"That's not what I meant," I point out.

"I'm okay... well, maybe not okay but getting there," she admits after hesitating for a moment.

"What happened?" I push, deciding to go for a more direct approach. I know this is a dangerous game and I know I have to be careful here but I also know I can't afford to back down.

"I... nothing..."

"A pretty serious nothing. You gave Bill quite a scare," I remind her.

"I didn't think..." she trails off.

"'Didn't think' is right but I seriously doubt that's what you are trying to say," I point out.

"I didn't think he'd care... I thought he _**wanted**_ me gone... he said..."

"What did he say, Kara?" I ask, knowing that even though Bill _**didn't**_ mean those words, not deep down, he did say them and the guilt is eating him alive.

"He called me a cancer, told me to get off his ship... he said some other things too and I just... I just wanted everything to stop. It seemed like a good idea at the time," she finishes with a shrug, trying for a casual attitude and failing miserably.

"Well, it wasn't."

"I know but... I didn't think I had a choice," she insists.

"And now?"

"I don't know. I know I screwed up, I know I scared them, I know they care but... I'm still tired and sometimes I just want..."

"I never took you for a quitter."

"I'm a screw-up, I screw-up, it's what I do... and people get hurt."

"Do you really believe that?" I ask but she just shrugs again at that.

"You are _**not**_ a screw-up, Kara. For the gods sake, without you we would _**all**_ be dead."

"Right," she snorts.

"You don't believe me?"

"I may have helped but I was just doing my job, just like everyone else."

"True, but that doesn't change a frakking thing," I growl, trying hard not to lose my temper here.

"'Frakking', Madam President?" she asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, frakking," I repeat, not willing to take the bait. "Who came up with a plan to take out that tylium refinery when we were all but dead in space?"

"But that was Lee's flying, without him we wouldn't have..." she tries to argue, obviously not ready to accept the credit for that.

"It may have been _**his**_ flying but it was still _**your**_ plan... and, even though that is the most dramatic example I can think of, it was far from the only instance in which you were instrumental in keeping us alive," I interrupt her.

"Maybe, but..."

"Just say 'yes', Kara," I order, rolling my eyes.

"'Yes, Kara'," she repeats dutifully and I have to fight the urge to shake my head at that.

"You are not a screw-up," I tell her, even though I know it is futile, even though I already know she is not going to believe me.

"I am what I am," she says.

"And what's that?"

"Nothing."

"You are not nothing. What do you think you are?"

"Never mind."

"Who told you you are a screw-up?" I push, determined to get to the bottom of this one once and for all... whether she wants me to or not.

"It doesn't matter."

"If it doesn't matter then you should have no problem answering that question," I insist, even though I already know what the answer is likely to be.

"My mom, happy?" she growls, glaring at me.

"Your mother said that?"

"Sort of. For the most part she just called me a monster, a useless waste of DNA. She said that I destroy everything I touch, that she wished I'd never been born and that I'll never be anything but a whore," she says with a shrug before looking away and whispering, almost to herself, "not that she was wrong about that."

"Actually I think it's safe to say that she was _**very**_ wrong about that. You are a viper pilot... in fact, going by what I've been told, you are by far the best pilot we have and a damn good flight instructor," I remind her, doing my best to keep my anger under control. Yes, I knew all along that the answer was bound to be something along those lines --after all, I saw too many cases of child abuse in my years as a teacher not to be able to recognize the signs when I see them-- but this is one instance in which being right is not much comfort, especially because, in light of what I suspect she went through down on New Caprica, this is bound to make what is already a bad situation even worse.

We are not just dealing with damage here. We are dealing with damage upon damage and, on top of that, I'm not even sure if Bill, Lee and Cottle are aware of it... not to mention that we are all trapped by our secrets here.

On the one hand Bill, Lee and Cottle didn't see it fit to tell me what the cylons did to her so I am not in a position to bring this up, on the other I can't tell them what Kara just told me without betraying her trust and on a third that does nothing to change the fact that they really need to know.

* * *

_**Author's notes**_: Hi guys, first of all, sorry about the delay. I was a little busy this morning.

I also want to take this opportunity to mention a couple of things about the story itself.

I am aware that this chapter doesn't really fit with what we saw of Socrata Thrace in '_Maelstrom_' but I started planning this story before that episode aired so I'm using my fic 'Shards' as a reference for Kara's past instead.

I am also aware of the fact that Laura may come across as being a little out of character here. That is sort of deliberate. The truth is that I prefer the character she was before the _Pegasus_ showed up so I am basing my portrayal of her on that earlier version (yes, I know that's cheating). As for what we saw of her in season three, remember that this goes AU shortly after_Exodus_ anyway so that's not really a factor (except maybe for what we saw in _Unfinished Business_).

Okay, I'll shut up now... or I will after I pester you for a review!

Take care and thanks for reading!

Alec


	41. Chapter 41

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 41  
(Dee's POV)

I think I've been patient enough. No, I _**know**_ I've been patient enough but no more. Not after today.

I have been waiting for my so-called-husband to come 'home' for more than four hours now but there is still no sign of him. Of course, I know where to find him if I need him, I've known all along... hell, the whole frakking ship knows where he is. He is in sickbay, he is _**always**_ in sickbay... he is always with _**her**_ and, to make matters worse, I can't even object to his presence there... not without looking like the bad guy.

I'm not the bad guy here. Lee is _**my**_ husband but that is not the way people see it. No, as far as most of them are concerned there is absolutely nothing wrong with him ignoring me for another woman. As far as they are concerned he is just supporting his 'friend' in her time of need... friend, now that's a laugh. Starbuck and Apollo have never been 'friends' and the whole ship knows it. I may be married to him but I am still treated like 'the other woman' by most of the crew and, after Starbuck's pathetic little stunt, I'm not even allowed to complain about it.

As far as they are concerned, she needs him.

Well, I need him too but that doesn't really seem to matter... and neither does the fact that she has a husband of her own, a husband that --unlike mine-- can usually be found anywhere _**but**_ at her bedside, though rumor has it that he is not there because Cottle banned him from sickbay over a week ago.

Of course, it's not just Apollo. Even the Admiral seems to be glued to _**her**_ side. I may be his daughter-in-law but Starbuck is his daughter, period. She is his golden girl and I am second-best.

Oh, it's not that I don't care what happens to Kara, not really, it's not even that I don't like her. It's just that I hate the way I am constantly pushed aside because of her 'needs' and I hate the fact that my husband is lying to me, that he is keeping something from me. I know something is bothering him but he won't even talk to me about it and that is making me feel like an outsider in my own marriage. That is not a pleasant feeling and I've just about had it.

Maybe if Lee would open up and trust me this wouldn't be so bad but I already know that's never going to happen.

Sure, I know they are not having a steamy affair while she is in sickbay, but that is not the point, not really. The point is that... I don't even know what the frakking point is any more. Maybe the point is that I know I'm losing him and there's nothing I can do to change that. Maybe the point is that now that Kara is back on board, now that we are all stuck together in a single battlestar again, there is no way I'm ever going to be able to compete with the almighty Starbuck... not in Lee's eyes and not in anyone else's.

She is the lead pilot and I'm just the communications officer... the ship's glorified secretary. I don't get to be a hero, I don't get to save the day... I just do what I can to keep things running smoothly but even there I am well aware that I am far from essential when it comes to the fleet's survival. My job requires no special skills and there are plenty of others who could do what I do with very little training and I also know that a CO is all I'm ever going to be. Of course, there is also no denying that there are some considerable advantages to my position here.

I may be a glorified secretary but at least my job is about as safe as you can get these days... it is predictable and that is the way I like it. I have to do as I am told but that is it. There are no ambiguities to it, no life or death decisions that I have to make and --as long as the Galactica remains in one piece-- no major risks associated with it either.

No, my problem is not my job, at least not directly. My problem is that I am married to a pilot but --unlike Starbuck-- I am not one of them. Pilots have their own little clique and not even a wedding ring will buy you an entrance to their private club. That puts me at a distinct disadvantage here.

The pilots are the guardians of the fleet, they are the heroes, they see themselves as brothers in arms, they are used to having each other's backs and they are all but worshiped by everyone else. They are the ones risking their lives day in and day out to keep the rest of us safe and --even after a year on New Caprica-- that still goes double for the almighty Starbuck, a living legend with a knack for flaunting the rules and beating the odds.

She is one half of 'Starbuck and Apollo' and --seeing how I am married to the other half-- I am stuck fighting a battle I know I cannot win.

She has always cast a giant shadow on my marriage --she did it even when she left the fleet, when she and Lee weren't speaking to each other... when my husband couldn't even stand to hear her name-- but at least back then she was not a constant presence in our lives... not like she is now.

I am still thinking about that, I am still trying to figure out how to handle this whole mess and what my next move should be when I hear the hatch open and I see Lee walk back into our quarters.

* * *

_**Author's notes**_: Hi guys, first of all thanks for reading and reviewing. 

Now, about this chapter --and before you flame me to a crisp-- let me say that the fact that I've brought Dee into this doesn't mean that the focus is going to move away from Kara and her inner circle. I won't tell you where I'm going with this but I can promise that Dee will not become a major player in this story, unfortunately there are some issues that I have to address so her presence is kind of required, at least for the time being. Please bear with me for a couple of chapters.

Take care and thanks for reading,

Alec


	42. Chapter 42

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 42  
(Lee's POV)

As soon as I see the look in Dee's eyes I know this is not going to be pretty. Sure, I know she is not happy about the current situation, in fact I know this has been simmering for a while but up until today she hadn't really said anything about it. Unfortunately it looks like that is about to change now and --to make matters worse-- I suspect that trying to tell her that this is _**really**_ not a good time for this to boil over would do more harm than good.

"Lee," she says by way of greeting.

"Dee," I reply, feeling exhausted and just wanting this whole thing to be over with once and for all.

"Where were you?"

"You know where I was," I say, refusing to play this game.

"You were with _**her**_."

"Yes."

"You were with her for more than four hours?"

"I guess," I reply though the truth is that I have no idea of just how long it's been because keeping track of time was the furthest thing from my mind.

"I am your wife."

"And she is my friend. You have no idea..."

"Of course I don't. You haven't told me anything!" she all but yells at me.

"It's not my story to tell," I remind her, not willing to back down.

"And it's not your place either. She has a husband, in case you haven't noticed."

"You see, that's where you are wrong. It _**is**_ my place. Sam may be her husband but she is still my friend. The fact that she is married to someone else doesn't change that and I am not going to abandon her, that is not open for debate," I warn her.

"And her husband is okay with this little arrangement?" she asks, the disbelief clear in her voice.

"I don't know. I haven't really talked to him in a while."

"So he wasn't there," she says, glaring at me and not even bothering to phrase that as a question.

"No. I think Cottle has been keeping him up to date but as far as I know Kara hasn't really asked to see him," I admit, knowing that that is not going to go over well.

"But she wants to see you."

"Yes."

"And you don't find that odd?"

"I don't care if it's odd, I'm just glad to be there."

"And that's precisely the point. I'm your wife!"

"Would you just listen to yourself? I nearly lost her, damn it!"

"Maybe you are the one who should be listening to himself instead! You nearly lost her? She is not yours to lose, Lee!"

"So what do you want me to do?"

"I don't know! I guess I want you to be here with me, where you belong. Is that too much to ask?"

"Yes," I say, even though I already know that that is not going to go over well.

"_**WHAT!?**_" she yells

"You heard me. You may be my wife but I don't _**belong**_ to you. I haven't done anything wrong and I sure as hell am _**not**_ going to apologize for being there for her," I reply, knowing that there's no way I can get Dee to understand, especially not without betraying Kara's trust.

"It's not your place," she insists for what feels like the umpteenth time.

"That's where you are wrong and I sure as hell won't abandon Kara just because you are jealous!"

"Then leave!" she yells.

"Is that what you really want?" I ask, somewhat taken aback by that.

"No, it's what _**you**_ want. Tell me something Lee, if our positions were reversed, if you were married to her and I were the one stuck in sickbay, would you be having this argument with her, would you be fighting _**her**_ for the right to stay by my side?" she asks and I can do nothing but to look away because the truth is that she is right, that if their positions were reversed I _**wouldn't**_ be there.

"Just go," she says, obviously fighting back the tears.

"I'm sorry," I whisper as I walk out of our quarters, feeling incredibly ashamed even as a deep sense of relief washes over me.


	43. Chapter 43

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 43  
(Kara's POV)

I am feeling drained, my gut is bugging me more than a bit --though it is still nowhere near bad enough to warrant asking Cottle for some pain meds-- and I am thinking that this day couldn't possibly get any worse when I see Lee walk back into my 'room'... so much for that theory. I admit that my first instinct upon seeing him is to bang my head against the wall but a look into his eyes is all it takes for me to realize that we have a problem.

"What's wrong?"

"What makes you think there's something wrong?"

"Don't give me that crap, Lee," I growl.

"It's nothing."

"Then why are you here?" I challenge.

"It's nothing," he insists... not that I'm buying it.

"You had a fight with Dee," I guess.

"Something like that," he reluctantly admits.

"Because of me?" I ask, even though I already know what the answer to that particular question is likely to be.

"No, because of me."

"Yeah, right," I snort, hating the fact that he thinks I can't handle it.

"It's the truth," he insists before explaining. "She asked me something... she asked me if I would be here with her if your positions were reversed, if I were married to you and she were the ones stuck in that bed and I couldn't lie to her."

"Lee?"

"She may be my wife but the truth is that that is just a title, it doesn't mean a frakking thing, or at least not what it should... I didn't want to see it but..."

"But Lee Adama still loves Kara Thrace?" I whisper, thinking back to that night on New Caprica. The problem is that knowing where he is coming from doesn't really do me much good when it comes to figuring out what the frak am I supposed to say about any of this or that I know where the frak this whole thing is going.

"Yes," he admits with a hint of a smile. "I know this is the last thing you need to hear and I know I don't have a right to expect anything from you --especially not now-- I get that, but I was just _**using**_ Dee. I married her out of spite and that was a mistake, a mistake I don't want to perpetuate. She deserves better than that."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. I am the one who married her for all the wrong reasons."

"After I married Sam," I remind him.

"Yes, but that doesn't matter... or at least it shouldn't have."

"'Maybe it shouldn't have but we both know it did."

"It was still my choice," he insists.

"And I'm still sorry."

"Would you at least tell me why?" he asks.

"I don't know if I can," I admit.

"It's okay," he says, trying to reassure me which --in a really twisted kind of way-- only serves to make me feel even worse.

"No it's not... I..." I trail off.

"You what?"

"I screwed up."

"I think it's safe to say that we both did but that still doesn't answer my question."

"That night on New Caprica... I was happy," I finally admit.

"Okay, now I really don't understand. If you were happy why the frak did you...?" he trails off.

"Why did I leave?" I ask.

"Yes."

"Because you wanted more and I couldn't give it to you."

"More?"

"Yes. You wanted me to shout it out and I... I don't know. It was like what we had was not enough for you and..."

"And what?"

"And I didn't think I could be what you wanted, I didn't think I would ever be good enough," I explain, feeling incredibly awkward. Words have never been my thing but unfortunately --stuck in this bed as I am-- I really don't have much of a choice, especially not considering that Lee is obviously _**not**_ going to let this go any time soon... to say nothing of the fact that he deserves an answer. I hurt him, I know that much, and I owe him one hell of a lot more than an explanation. Of course, the fact that I know I owe him the truth doesn't make telling him that truth any easier.

"So you just took off?"

"Yes."

"And you went and married Sam."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because, as weird as it sounds, Sam was safe. He loved me and I cared for him but deep down I knew that, no matter how bad things got between us, he couldn't really hurt me... not like you could."

"You got scared," he says, with a sudden look of understanding that _**really**_ creeps me out.

"I guess," I admit, fighting the urge to deny it. Sure, I know I hurt him and I know he has a right to know this but that doesn't mean I have to like it and it certainly doesn't mean that this whole honesty thing is not a bitch.

"Do you have any idea of just how frakking crazy that sounds?!" he all but yells at me.

"Why don't you tell me?" I shoot back, glaring at him.

"Gods, Kara, I don't want to fight but..."

"But what?" I growl, wanting that anger back because --as weird as it may seem-- his anger is familiar, it is something I know how to deal with. 'Fight or frak', that's what we do, it's what we've always done... unfortunately right now neither one of those is a real option and we both know it. That leaves talking and, as I said before, that is definitely _**not**_ my strong suit.

"But I still don't understand," he admits, looking more than a little confused.

"Never mind."

"Don't do that, Kara, don't shut me out, please," he pleads.

"I'm not..." I begin but he interrupts me.

"Yes, you are. What were you so afraid of?"

"I can't..."

"Yes, you can," he insists and the truth is that I don't know what the frak am I supposed to say. I am feeling incredibly raw here. I'm not ready for this --especially not after today, not after Cottle and the Old Man and the President all had a go at me-- but at the same time I can see that Lee is not going to let this go, that he is not going to back down, and that means that --as much as I may not want to do this-- I really don't have much of a choice.


	44. Chapter 44

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 44  
(Lee's POV)

Part of me knows that I have to tread carefully here, part of me knows that I'm in way over my head --hell, part of me knows that I should really be looking for a way to put an end to this conversation, both for Kara's sake and for my own... especially because Cottle would have my hide if he knew about this-- but at the same time I just can't let this go. I need an answer, I need to understand what the frak happened all those months ago, to say nothing of the fact that this can not be put off indefinitely so, even if I were to put an end to it right now, sooner or later we would have to do this all over again and that in itself would be more than a little unpleasant.

Yes, I am well aware of all the reasons why this is a bad idea. I know Kara is at the end of her rope, I know she is in no shape to be going over this right now, I know her defenses are down and I know I am taking advantage of that fact but at the same time I don't think she needs to have this hanging over her head, not if it can possibly be avoided... or at least that is what I keep trying to tell myself.

Of course, if her answers so far are anything to go by, I suspect that she has been giving this whole situation some thought... not that that means she is likely to _**share**_ those thoughts with me out of the kindness of her heart.

"So why did you do it? What were you so afraid of?" I ask, steeling myself for a fight and trying to come up with some sort of strategy.

"I already told you. I didn't think I would ever be good enough, I didn't think I could be what you wanted and deep down I knew that in the end Sam couldn't hurt me."

"And you think I would have?"

"Maybe not deliberately but... you kept asking for more than I could give and..." she trails off.

"And what?"

"And I knew I could survive losing Sam," she whispers after hesitating for a moment.

"So you left me because you were afraid I was going to leave you?" I ask, trying --without much success-- to make some sort of sense out of what passes for Kara's logic.

"Sort of."

"Gods, Kara, do you really have that little faith in me?"

"What?" she asks, looking honestly puzzled.

"I asked you if you really have that little faith in me," I repeat.

"No, but..."

"No 'buts', Kara. Did it ever even occur to you that I might _**not**_ leave at all, that if you had given me half a chance I _**would**_ have stayed?"

"I'm sorry, Lee, I just... I couldn't do it... I..."

"You what?"

"I'm a screw up," she whispers, falling back to what amounts to her standard response... one I'm getting sick and tired of.

"No, you are not."

"But you just said that I screwed up," she reminds me and I have to fight the urge to bang my head against the wall at that.

"I never said that _**you**_ screwed up, I said that _**we**_ did, there's a difference, but even if I had said 'you' instead of 'we' the fact that you screwed up still doesn't make you a screw up, it makes you human. I know you got scared, I get that but..."

"But what?"

"But damn it, Kara, why couldn't you just trust me?"

"But I did," she insists.

"Not enough to stay," I remind her, not quite succeeding in keeping the hurt out of my voice.

"That's not..." she trails off.

"That's not what?" I prod, wondering how many tries is it going to take for me to get something remotely resembling a full answer out of her.

"That's not it, that's not why I left."

"Then why?"

"Because..."

"Nothing."

"Don't give me that crap, Kara! Why did you leave?"

"I already told you."

"Because you couldn't stand the thought of me leaving you? Do you have any idea of just how frakking crazy that sounds?"

"Then tell me what the frak is it that you want to hear!"

"What?"

"You asked me why I left, I told you and you basically told me that I had to pick a different answer, so I figured I might as well save myself some trouble and ask you what the frak is it that you expect me to say."

"I want you to tell me the truth, damn it!"

"And that's precisely the point: I already did, it's not my fault if you don't want to hear it!" she snaps and I realize that this is not going to get us anywhere. Kara has dug her heels in and she is _**not**_ going to budge.

"Come on, Kara, let's not..."

"Let's not what?" she growls.

"I don't want to fight you, damn it, I just want to understand!"

"And have you ever tried listening for that?" she mutters, glaring at me.

"That's rich coming from you!"

"Yeah, well..." she begins but she is suddenly interrupted by Cottle's arrival and the truth is that I don't even know if I should be relieved or annoyed by that. Yes, I knew we weren't going to get anywhere any time soon and in that regard having the doc put an end to it without either one of us having to back down does give us an easy way out of this one but at the same time I have more questions than answers --frak, I have more questions now than I did a few minutes ago-- and the doc's presence here means that those questions are bound to remain unanswered... for now.

* * *

_**Author's notes**_: Hi guys, first of all, sorry about the delay, I know this should have been posted over a week ago but life (or, to be accurate, some of my neighbors and their bright ideas) got in the way. I also wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for reading and for making this my most reviewed fic ever!

Take care and thanks for reading!

Alec


	45. Chapter 45

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 45  
(Cottle's POV)

It takes me half a second to take in the scene before me and when I do I have to struggle to keep myself from rolling my eyes at the two of them.

"You, out," I growl, glaring at Apollo and pointing at the hatch before turning my attention back to Starbuck who is not even trying to keep the smug smirk out of her face. "I will deal with you later, young lady," I warn her, wondering what is it that I did to deserve this. I mean, Roslin is supposed to be the kindergarten teacher around here, not me, damn it!

"I thought you had gone back to your wife," I say as soon as I close the hatch and I'm sure Starbuck can't hear us.

"Yes, well, I came back," he mutters, rather defensively, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out that there's trouble in paradise... not that that comes as much of a surprise.

"I see, and would you mind telling me what the frak did you think you were doing in there?" I ask, lighting a cigarette and fighting the urge to shake some sense into the major... especially because he is someone we can't do without if Starbuck is going to have as much as a snowball's in hell chance of getting over this.

"Nothing."

"So you _**weren't**_ upsetting my patient?"

"I was _**trying**_ to have a talk with her."

"Yes, well, I think it's safe to say that 'trying' is the operative word in that statement."

"Excuse me?"

"Tell me something, have you ever wondered why is it that when you are out there the two of you seem to know instinctively what it is that the other one is thinking but the moment you step out of the cockpit you somehow manage to mangle even the most basic of conversations?"

"That's none of your..."

"That's where you are wrong," I interrupt him before he can even finish that statement. "As long as she is in here, as long as she is my patient, it _**is**_ my business."

"I wasn't trying to hurt her, damn it!" he snaps, sounding more than a little frustrated.

"Believe it or not, I know that, which is why I'm not going to tell you to stay away from her... all I'm saying is that you have to be careful here. Yes, she is doing better, she is not made of glass and she can even take _**some**_ heat under certain circumstances... but now is not the time and you have to learn when _**not**_ to push."

"I know, I know, it's just that..."

"That she knows exactly which buttons to push?" I ask, knowing her well enough to realize that blaming Apollo for this latest fiasco is probably more than a little unfair.

"Something like that," he admits. "I really wasn't trying to get into an argument with her but..."

"But she didn't give you much of a choice?"

"Yes. I mean, I contributed to it, there's no denying that. I knew I should probably have tried to back down, that I should have tried to defuse the situation but there were some things I wanted to know and..."

"It's okay, son... as I said, she is not made of glass but you have to keep in mind that that girl's been through hell. She trusts you and that means that you are in a unique position to help her here but it also means that you can do a lot of damage without even trying and I need you to be very aware of that fact. Yes, in spite of everything she's been through she is still Starbuck but at the same time she is already blaming herself for what she believes she 'allowed' Leoben to do to her and the last thing she needs is for you to be going on some sort of self-righteous tirade, do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, sir," he replies before asking, "is she... is she going to be okay?"

"The truth? I just don't know. Yes, she is doing as well as can be expected but... it's not that simple."

"Why not?"

"Because while there are some things that I would definitely describe as positive signs under normal circumstances, they are also more than a little out of character for her so I'm not even sure what to make out of them or where this is going," I explain after hesitating for a moment. I know that technically I _**shouldn't**_ be telling him this but at the same time Apollo is one of the two people she trusts and he is probably going to be spending a lot of time with her --both with and without supervision-- so I need him to realize just what it is that he is up against... confidentiality be damned.

"What kind of things?"

"Little things, like the fact that while she was sedated you got in the habit of holding her hand whenever you were with her and your father got in the habit of ending his visits with a kiss on her forehead... and you are both still doing it. The good news is that she is not flinching away from your touch and that is more than I had dared to hope for, the bad news is that I'm not sure the 'old' Starbuck would have welcomed it, at least not openly."

"Is that going to be an issue?" 

"It's too soon to tell... and right now that's not anywhere near the top of my list of priorities," I admit. "For the time being my main concern is helping that girl regain some semblance of a normal life but even though deep down she is still Starbuck, I can tell you that hoping that things will just go back to 'the way they used to be' is not realistic, far from it. Make no mistake about it, what the cylons did to her will be with her for the rest of her life and there's not a frakking thing we can do to change that."

"That bad?" he asks, rather hesitatingly.

"I didn't say that."

"But you said..." he begins but I interrupt him.

"I _**said**_ that there are probably going to be some permanent changes... I didn't say anything about the nature of those changes," I explain, still trying to get him to understand. "All I'm saying is that right now it is still too early to tell where the pieces are going to fall but that even in the best of cases there are bound to be some scars... and that progress has to be measured against the way things were when she first came back from New Caprica, _**not**_ against the way they were before she settled on that gods-forsaken rock."


	46. Chapter 46

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 46  
(Lee's POV)

"Wait, you mean to tell me that you think that what Kara's been through can somehow be considered a _**good**_ thing?" I ask, shaking my head at the thought.

"No, of course not."

"Then what are you..."

"I'm just saying that it is too soon to tell what the long term consequences of this are going to be."

"She damn near killed herself!" I exclaim.

"Yes."

"So?"

"So that still doesn't mean a frakking thing. Yes, anyone can see that what she went through on New Caprica was a hellish experience --one that left her badly damaged-- but you have to keep in mind that the causes and the consequences of something like this don't necessarily lie along the same lines."

"What?!"

"Let me see if I can explain it to you. If a man were to be involved in a serious accident, one that resulted in some fairly major injuries --say, several broken bones-- would you describe that accident as a good thing?" he asks.

"No, of course not," I reply, still not quite knowing what that has to do with anything.

"Fine, now assume that in the aftermath of that accident an x-ray is taken and it reveals the presence of a small dark spot in one of the man's lungs. It's a tumor, one that under normal circumstances wouldn't even have been found until it was too late. Because of that x-ray the man's life is saved. Does that change the nature of what happened to him in the first place, does that make a difference in terms of the injuries he sustained?"

"No, but..."

"So, using your own definition, the accident itself would technically remain a 'bad' thing?"

"I guess."

"And what about its consequences?"

"I see."

"Good. Now, I'm not suggesting that that is an accurate analogy or that that situation is all that similar to what we are dealing with here, far from it. The truth is that in most instances the causes _**do**_ match the consequences but that still doesn't mean that the outcome of this thing can be predicted with any kind of certainty. As I said, what happened to her on that planet will leave some scars and there are going to be some permanent changes --that is unavoidable-- but at the same time this _**has**_ given us an unexpected opening to address some other issues, one we wouldn't otherwise have had."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, let's face it, Starbuck has been a ticking time bomb ever since she came on board and the destruction of the colonies didn't really do much to help matters in that regard. She was a mess when I met her, turned into an even bigger mess after the attacks --not that the rest of us were doing much better, mind you-- and then New Caprica pushed her over the edge. Now, back when I first met her her defenses would have prevented anyone from getting close enough to even attempt to address those underlying issues however those defenses have been effectively destroyed. Yes, the price she had to pay to make that possible was high, way too high for anyone to say that it was worth it, but that price has already been paid so we might as well take advantage of the opportunity."

"In other words, you are saying that there is something that can be gained from all of this?"

"No, I wouldn't go that far. All I'm saying is that there _**may**_ be something that can be gained from all of this. It won't be easy and I know she is going to have to rebuild her defenses sooner or later--she has to-- but I'm hoping that by the time she is done picking up the pieces that won't change a frakking thing because at least you and your father will already be inside the perimeter."

"So that's what you are aiming for?"

"Or at least what I'm hoping for."

"Okay, so what comes next?"

"I guess the next step would be to at least try to bring Anders back into the picture."

"Sam?" I ask, not quite knowing how I feel about that. She may be married to the guy but I still don't trust him... especially not after what happened the last time he was allowed to come near her.

"Yes. I have been keeping him away ever since she regained consciousness but he has been asking me to let him see her on a daily basis and let's just say that he is not the only one that keeps bugging me about that. Granted, unlike the rest of her friends his being banned was a direct result of his own stupidity but now that she is doing better there is no real reason for me to keep him away any longer. "

"But Kara still hasn't asked to see him," I remind him.

"No, but then again she hasn't asked to see any of her friends either... and if we were to leave her to her own devices that situation would be unlikely to change. Right now she is in hiding and that means that if we don't want her to retreat further into her shell we are going to have to do some pushing."

"Are you sure she is ready for something like that?" I ask, feeling more than a little worried.

"I'm about as sure as I can be. There is a small measure of risk, there always will be, but that won't change if we keep putting this off and the bottom line is that this situation can't be allowed to go on for much longer. That's why I want to do this. Yes, Anders messed up and he messed up badly but the truth is that what happened wasn't entirely his fault and, even if it had been, we have to start with someone."

"But wouldn't Helo...?" I begin but Cottle interrupts me.

"No."

"Why not?" I insist.

"Because he doesn't know, Sam does," he points out.

"But..."

"Oh, for frak's sake, she may be more than a little vulnerable right now but that girl is not made of china and she is not going to break. Besides, even though Starbuck is my main concern here, she is not my only one. Anders is worried sick about her, he cares about her and the guilt is killing him. He needs to see her. Besides, it's not like I'm going to be leaving them alone any time soon, all I'm saying is that the time has come for us to at least try to get those two in the same room. I know you want to protect her, I know you are worried --I get that-- but she is going to have to brave the outside world sooner or later and there's not a frakking thing you can do to change that," he growls and, even though the rational part of my mind knows that the doc actually has a point, that doesn't mean I have to like it.

* * *

_**Author's notes**_: Hi guys, okay, I know that was awful... the truth is that this was not the way in which things were supposed to go. What happened was that as I was getting ready to post last week I noticed that some of the issues I was addressing would make more sense if I were to combine them with others that haven't even been mentioned yet. Unfortunately that left me with an unfinished scene that I had to wrap up _**somehow**_. I know I could have gone back, changed the previous chapter and solved it that way but that felt too much like cheating for my liking.

I will try to get back into the rhythm of things this week but unfortunately RL has been a little rough lately so I can make no promises in that regard (let's just say that I'm stuck in 'computer upgrade hell' and leave it at that).

Once again, sorry about the delay and the quality (or lack thereof) of this chapter and thanks for reading!

Alec


	47. Chapter 47

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 47  
(Kara's POV)

Okay, what the frak happened to Cottle's promise that I wouldn't have to deal with Sam until I was ready? I mean it looks to me like he is frakking here and I sure as hell don't feel frakking ready. Sure, the doc _**says**_ he is not leaving us alone but right now that is not much comfort and I don't even know if his presence is going to make this better or if it is actually going to make matters worse.

"Sam," I say, feeling incredibly awkward and trying to keep the fear at bay. I mean, this is my husband, damn it, and the rational part of my brain knows he is not going to hurt me but then again no one has ever accused me of being rational before and the truth is that right now the mere thought of being alone with him scares the crap out of me.

"Kara," he replies.

"Are you...?" he asks before trailing off.

"What?"

"Are you okay?"

"Getting there."

"Good," he says, still not approaching my bed.

"So...?"

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry?"

"About what happened before, about what I did... I didn't mean to..."

"I know, it wasn't your fault" I say, trying to reassure him... to say nothing of wanting to get this damn thing over with once and for all, unfortunately it is not that simple.

"But that still doesn't change anything, does it?" he asks, looking at me.

"It's not that. I mean, I..."

"You what?"

"It's not you, it's..." I try to explain, the problem is that I still don't have a frakking clue of what is it that I want to say. No, I know exactly what I want to say, the problem is that I don't have a frakking clue of _**how**_ to say it.

"You are afraid of me."

"No, I..."

"Don't lie to me, Kara, please."

"I'm not," I reply, even though deep down I know that is a lie. I may not want it to be a lie, but it is.

"Yes, you are," he insists.

"As I said, it's not you."

"I know, but I still hurt you."

"You didn't know," I remind him, trying to keep things from spiraling completely out of control here.

"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you trust me?"

"Believe me, trust had nothing to do with it."

"Then why?"

"Because I..."

"What?"

"I just wanted to forget."

"Well, somehow I get the feeling that that didn't work."

"No, I guess not," I admit.

"Would you talk to me now?" he asks and I glance at the doc. Sure, he is staying out of it but he is still here and even though I really don't want to be left alone with Sam, I also know I owe him an explanation and we don't need an audience for that.

"Doc?"

"Yes?"

"Could you... could we have a moment please?"

"Are you sure?" he asks.

"Yeah," I whisper, feeling far from certain.

"I'll be outside if you need me," he says, throwing a warning glare at Sam.

"Thanks," I reply as I try to keep the fear out of my voice. Yes, I was the one who asked Cottle to leave, yes, this has to be done --preferably without witnesses-- but that doesn't mean that I am looking forward to it.

"Gods, Kara, what did that bastard do to you?"

"You already know."

"I know some of it, not everything," he reminds me.

"So what, you are here for the gory details?"

"I just want to know what the frak happened to you, damn it!"

"So you want me to tell you about how, a couple of days after Simon handed me over to him --as I was showering, trying to wash _**him**_ off-- he came into the shower, took the soap from my hand and turned my attempt to cleanse myself into a twisted sort of foreplay before frakking me under the spray? Or --I know-- maybe you want me to explain why I didn't go on and on about how his strength wasn't human and how he got a kick out of my pathetic attempts to fight him off... or about how, when he wanted it to hurt, it did? Or maybe you want to hear about the day he..."

"Please, Kara, I..."

"I mean, what's the frakking point? Talking about it is not going to change anything and you know it! It happened, I can't change it, end of story."

"Only it wasn't the end of it, was it? That's why you are here," he challenges, glaring at me, and I just look away at that.

"I'm your husband, damn it, why didn't you trust me?" he insists.

"Don't you get it? It was never about trust! Trust had nothing to do with it!"

"'You've got to be frakking kidding me! Do you really expect me to believe that trust had nothing to do with it?" he asks, looking at me as if I had suddenly grown a second head.

"No!"

"Fine, if it wasn't about trust, if that wasn't even an issue, why couldn't you trust me?"

"Because I just wanted to forget! It was not about me not trusting you, it was about me wanting to put the whole damned thing behind me, damn it! It was about me wanting to move on and it was about me not wanting to see your pity every time you looked at me. It was all about me, not about you! I didn't want you to treat me like I was frakking broken, that's why I didn't tell you, that's why I didn't tell anyone. I just wanted to get back to my life and there was no frakking way I was ever going to be able to do that with you..." I trail off, realizing that I've said too much but knowing that there's no taking it back.

"With me what?"

"With you looking at me like you are doing now!"


	48. Chapter 48

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 48  
(Sam's POV)

'Think, Sam,' that's what I keep trying to tell myself, not that thinking about it is likely to do me much good.

I had been desperate for a chance to make things right with Kara but somehow I hadn't been expecting it to be quite this hard though, knowing my wife like I do, maybe I should have. She may be able to fly circles around pretty much anyone and she can certainly punch the daylights out of anyone that even looks at her funny but at the same time she doesn't do feelings and trying to get her to open up about anything can be a lot like pulling teeth. Actually, come to think of it, pulling teeth is easier, not to mention far less painful.

The problem is that as much as she may hate the idea of having to talk this through, right now she is in no shape to do anything but talk.

Oh, I can tell that she wishes she were anywhere but here --a frakking blind man could probably see that from miles away-- and that means that reaching her is going to take some doing but at the same time I know there is a lot more to this than I am being told. I mean, from a rational perspective I can understand where she is coming from but no matter how I look at it, there is no way around the fact that this is a frakking mess and that trying to peel the layers back from this thing is bound to be a bitch.

It is not that I doubt the truth of what she said Leoben did to her --as much as I may want to deny it, I know it was the truth-- but at the same time I know Kara is a master of misdirection and that means that what I have been told so far is unlikely to be the whole truth. In fact I suspect that the whole thing was intended to serve mostly as a diversion, that it was a rather desperate ploy to shock me into dropping the issue... and in that regard she has succeeded.

I may be able to recognize what she is up to but that does nothing to change the fact that I don't want to hurt her and I certainly don't want to find myself banned from her side again and that in turn means that, even though I am tempted to at least try to shake some answers out of her, I have to be careful here. Simply put, I can't push without running the risk of upsetting her and, even if I could get her to forgive me for that, one thing I know for certain is that Cottle does not take kindly to people upsetting his patients.

In other words, the direct approach is not an option here and I am going to have no choice but to try to figure out what is going on based on what she isn't saying. Sure, I messed up and I messed up badly the last time around because I was unwilling to see what was happening right in front of me but that is one mistake I don't intend to repeat... and the good news --if it can be called that-- is that at least now I know what I'm up against. Of course, the bad news is that the damage has already been done and I'm not sure there's anything I can do to fix that.

I love my wife and seeing the fear in her eyes every time she looks at me is killing me but there is nothing I can do to change that. I want to be able to hold her in my arms, I want to be able to comfort her, I want to be able to tell her that everything is going to be okay, I want to be able to tell her that the nightmare is over and that she is safe but I can't even do that. There is a distance between us and no matter what I do I just can't breach it.

That means that regaining her trust has to be my top priority. The problem is that I already know that is not going to happen... not without some sort of miracle. In fact, as far as I can tell, there is only one way for me to attempt to do that and even that is a long shot.

I may not know what I have to say right now, I may not even know if there is something --anything-- I could say that could possibly make this better but at least now I have a clue as to what it is that I am supposed to do when I walk out of here. What I have to do is take a chance. I have to risk everything knowing that the odds are stacked heavily against me because, in spite of everything, that is still the lesser evil.

Sure, I hate losing. I am still a pyramid player at heart for frak's sake and giving up goes against my every instinct, but if there is one thing I learned when I was trying to stay one step ahead of the cylons back on Caprica it was precisely the value of a strategic retreat. If nothing else going against a stronger foe taught me that sometimes you have to pick your battles, that when you are at a disadvantage your survival may well depend on your ability to recognize when not to fight. Yes, I could try to make a stand here and no-one would ever blame me for doing so but the bottom line is that this is not a battle, that Kara is not the enemy and yet if I were to keep on fighting, if I were to keep trying to 'win' this thing then chances are that she would lose.


	49. Chapter 49

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 49  
(Lee's POV)

I am instantly awake the moment I hear Kara begin to whimper in her sleep.

Oh, I knew she had been having some pretty serious nightmares --and she is not the only one, far from it-- but up until a couple of days ago I hadn't wanted to admit just how bad the situation was. The fact that someone is having trouble sleeping is just one of those things you can't help but to know in the close quarters of a battlestar but at the same time most pilots consider nightmares to be a sign of weakness and because of that, bunk room etiquette says it is rude to openly acknowledge them... at least not under normal circumstances. Of course, these are not normal circumstances, this is not the bunk room and Kara is not just another pilot. She is a lot more than that and I just can't stand the idea of letting her face her demons alone... not when I'm standing right here.

She is my best friend, damn it, and it's just the two of us. There is no need to keep up appearances and I've just about had it. Of course, convincing her of that fact is not going to be easy and, in a really twisted kind of way, the fact that she is being difficult about that is sort of reassuring.

The thing is that I have been unofficially sharing Kara's 'room' for the past couple of days, ironically ever since Dee confronted me about the amount of time I had been spending here with her. Sure, I know I could go back to the senior pilots' quarters --in fact I know I probably should-- but if I were to do that Dee would be forced to go back to her old bunk as well and I don't think she is ready to do that. Simply put, it was my rank that allowed us to be assigned private quarters in the first place, especially considering that right now we have families with small children living in the crews' quarters, and there is no way Dee would be allowed to keep that room for herself.

That's why I've been sleeping here... not that I'm complaining about that. Yes, my cot is far from comfortable but being here means that I can keep an eye on Kara, it means that I can actually see how she is doing just by looking up and that makes it worth it. Of course, that also means that I have a front-row seat to her nightmares and that brings me back to my current predicament.

For several days now I have been forcing myself to look the other way but I hate to see her suffer and I am itching to do something about that, bunk room etiquette be damned... especially because I can see that this latest nightmare is getting worse, not better. Unfortunately I suspect that --even in her weakened state-- trying to shake Kara awake would be hazardous to my health. She is a soldier first and foremost and that means that she is likely to come out swinging.

Rather gingerly --and knowing that I am taking my life in my hands-- I sit near the foot of her bed and I gently reach for her calf, shaking it slightly as I call her name, hoping to be close enough to offer some comfort if she is willing to accept it but far enough to get out of the way if she decides to strike first and ask questions later.

Her first reaction at my touch is to stiffen and then she sits up with a strangled --almost animalistic-- cry but at the same time she doesn't try to fight me off. It takes her a moment to orient herself.

"Lee?" she asks hesitatingly after a couple of seconds.

"Yes, it's me," I say, moving closer to the head of the bed and pulling her into a hug. I can almost taste her fear as I feel her heart pounding against my chest. For a moment she seems unsure of what to do and I prepare to let her go at the first sign of distress but, much to my relief, eventually she relaxes into my embrace.

We stay like that for what feels like hours, though in reality it is barely a couple of minutes. She is shaking and I keep rubbing circles on her back, trying to get her to calm down but it's not easy.

"You want to talk about it?" I ask pulling away enough to look at her when I feel some of the tension finally drain from her body.

"Not really it's just that..." she trails off, not meeting my eyes and obviously not knowing how to explain.

"Just that what?" I prod.

"It's just that I keep seeing them, that I can't even close my eyes without them..."

"Shh, it's okay, it was just a dream... you got out, you are safe now," I say, though my words ring hollow, even to my own ears.

"I know... or at least I sort of do but I still can't escape them," she admits, fighting back the tears.

"Them?"

"Leoben and Simon and Jonas," she whispers as she chews on her lower lip.

"Kara?"

"Yes?"

"Who is Jonas?"


	50. Chapter 50

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 50  
(Kara's POV)

'Frak, _frak_, _**frak**_, _**FRAK**_!' I think as I try to figure a way out of this mess, the problem is that I know Lee and I know he can be worse than a dog with a bone at times... and my gut tells me that this is going to be one of those times.

"Jonas?" I repeat, trying hard _**not**_ to cringe. I hadn't even thought about the bastard in years and now...

"Yes, you said Leoben, Simon and Jonas," he reminds me... not that I _**need**_ a frakking reminder, damn it!

"No one," I say, even though I already know that that is not going to cut it, not this time around. The problem is that the way I see it I can either lie to Lee or I can tell him the truth and neither one of those options is likely to do me much good. The truth is not something I want to deal with --not now, not ever-- and while a lie would probably buy me a little time, I am afraid that in the long run it would come back to bite me on the ass. That leaves obfuscating as my best bet but even there Lee knows me too well and I don't think he is going to just let me bluff my way out of this one.

"Don't lie to me, Kara, please," he pleads, almost as if he were reading my mind.

"It doesn't matter. Besides, he is dead," I say, knowing that to be the truth... well, maybe 'knowing' is too strong a word.

"Dead?" he repeats and I just nod at that.

"Yeah, he never made it out of the colonies... or at least I don't think he did," I explain, knowing that I can safely admit to that much... and that the more information I can bring myself to 'volunteer' here, the less likely Lee will be to notice the things I'm _**not**_ telling him.

"So how did he get mixed in with Simon and Leoben?"

"He didn't, not really," I reply.

"But you said..."

"I _**said**_ that he was with them in my dream, that doesn't mean a frakking thing," I remind him.

"But who was he?" he insists, getting back to the subject at hand... just as I knew he would.

"He was just one of the many losers my mom dated after my dad left. One that lasted longer than the others," I say, shrugging my shoulders and trying to downplay the whole thing.

"I'm guessing there was more to it than that," he points out, almost daring me to contradict him.

"I didn't particularly like him but my mother did and there wasn't a frakking thing I could do about it, in fact there wasn't a frakking thing I could do about any of them. It was her house, her rules, her choice and no one gave a damn as to how I felt about any of it... especially not my mother. I was just along for the ride and I knew that trying to say anything would only have served to make matters worse," I explain, and that is definitely the truth, no need to lie about it... or to mention the fact that --unlike most of the creeps my mother dated back then-- Jonas _**did**_ like me, that he actually 'liked me' a little too much, that he liked me more than he liked my mom or that that was the real reason he stayed for as long as he did.

"How old were you?"

"I was ten when he first moved in with us and twelve by the time he left."

"So he lived with you for a couple of years?"

"It was more like twenty-two months," I correct him distractedly.

"Not that you were keeping track or anything?" he asks with a hint of a smile.

"Okay, so maybe I _**really**_ wanted him gone but, as I said, it wasn't up to me. In fact it was pretty much up to everyone _**but**_ me," I say, not quite managing to keep the anger and the bitterness out of my voice.

"I think I get it," he says with a look of understanding and something akin to pity in his eyes. "You had no control over the situation at all. It may have been your life but at the time you were just a kid and as such there was nothing you could have done about any of it. You were powerless, trapped, just like you were trapped and powerless on New Caprica. You couldn't have escaped this 'Jonas' character any more than you could have escaped Leoben, could you?"

"I guess not," I sort of agree, deeply relieved to see Lee put two and two together and come up with twenty-two. Oh, I know I should probably feel bad about misleading him but as far as I'm concerned I haven't openly lied to him. Everything I have told him so far has been the truth --just not the whole truth-- and if he has jumped to the wrong conclusion, well, I sure as hell am _**not**_ going to correct him. I may be a screw-up but I am not _**that**_ stupid.

Granted, trying to kill myself was a dumb thing to do --especially the 'trying' part-- but the bottom line is that I've just about had it with the 'poor broken Kara' looks I keep getting from pretty much everyone these days. Yes, New Caprica was a nightmare and things are still kind of rough but in the end I am still me, I still don't do pity and I just want everyone to back off and leave me the frak alone. I want to put this whole thing behind me once and for all and I know that if I were to tell Lee --or anyone else for that matter-- the whole truth about who Jonas was then the odds of that ever happening would plummet to less than zero.


	51. Chapter 51

Chapter 51  
(Sam's POV)

I am fidgeting nervously with the envelope I hold in my hands as I approach Kara's room. Sure, deep down I know that this is the right thing for me to do but knowing that is not really much comfort, not under the circumstances. This is a pretty big step, one that is going to change our lives forever and --to make matters worse-- I know how strongly Kara feels about this particular issue, I know what her beliefs are and I know she is not going to take it well.

"Hi, how are you?" I ask, being careful to stay at least five feet away from her as I do whenever I visit her. Granted, Kara doesn't seem to be as nervous around me as she was a couple of days ago but some awkwardness remains and I refuse to take any unnecessary chances.

"Okay, I guess," she replies, shrugging her shoulders though I can see that she is upset about something.

"You sure?" I prod, wishing that she would trust me but still not daring to push.

"Yeah," she whispers and --even though I know she is being less than candid-- I decide to let it drop.

"So what are you reading?" I ask, still not ready to deal with 'the envelope' and noticing a rather thick tome on her bed.

"A manual on military theory."

"Interesting?"

"If your idea of interesting is something along the lines of watching the paint dry then it is absolutely fascinating, otherwise it is about as interesting as watching the paint dry... to say nothing of the fact that the frakking thing is at best completely useless and at worst it can be downright deadly. As far as I can tell it is pretty much a guide of what **_not_** to do," she mutters, glaring at it and wrinkling her nose in disgust.

"I take it that this was **_not_** your idea then?" I ask, even though I already know it wasn't... it's just not in her nature.

"Hell no, this is just the Old Man's latest attempt at keeping me busy."

"It can't be that bad."

"It's not that bad, it's worse... a lot worse. The cylons have spent decades studying our every move and I think it is safe to say that they know everything there is to know about our military theory. Considering that countless trees were slaughtered to print tens of thousands of copies of that blasted thing before the colonies were destroyed, you can bet that the damned toasters are intimately familiar with it. That means that relying on it in any way at all would pretty much guarantee that we would get our asses kicked the next time we went up against them. If we want to stay one step ahead of the cylons then the first thing we have to do is to throw the book away... literally."

"And have you told the Admiral that?"

"I tried to but he basically told me to get over it. He said that if you want to break the law you must first know the law."

"He may have a point there."

"Oh, I know he does and I'm not denying that but the frakking thing is still boring as hell and I don't have to like it," she says crossing her arms and glaring at me in an all too familiar gesture... one that has me fighting to keep a smile off my face. Yes, I am not fooling myself and I know Kara still has a very long way to go before she is anywhere near back to normal but for the first time in what feels like ages I am seeing a glimpse of the woman I fell in love with and that is incredibly reassuring. Ever since New Caprica she has been nothing but a shell of her former self and I am glad to see that she is doing better... unfortunately that glimpse also makes doing what I came here to do that much harder.

That is a sobering thought, one I am still thinking abut when Kara's voice brings me back to the present.

"What is it?" she asks, obviously sensing that**_ something_** has changed and giving me the opening I had --or rather hadn't-- been looking for.

"We need to talk," I say after hesitating for a moment.

"About?"

"Us," I admit, knowing that I have to get this over with.

"Us?" she repeats with some suspicion.

"Yeah."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that..." I begin before trailing off, not knowing how to explain... at least not without making a mess out of things.

"You are scaring me, Sam."

"I'm sorry, it's just that I did something and..."

"What did you do?"

"Frak, this is hard!"

"Would you just frakking tell me?" she growls and I bite back a curse. To say that this is not going as I had intended it to would be a gross understatement but at the same time there is no turning back and I know it. I know I have to tell her but words are not my thing and I don't have a clue as to how to soften the blow. The last thing I want to do is to hurt Kara but at the same time I don't know what I could possibly say so that she'd understand so I take the coward's way out and just hand her the envelope and then, as I watch her open it, I try to steel myself for what I know is to come.

True, I don't doubt that I am doing what has to be done, what I know Kara will never be able to bring herself to do, but at the same time I know that she is unlikely to see it that way and in the short term... well, let's just say that in the short term this is not going to be easy and leave it at that.


	52. Chapter 52

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1._**

Chapter 52  
(Kara's POV)

'I guess I should have seen this coming,' that is the first thought that runs through my mind as soon as I manage to do anything but stare stupidly at the papers I hold in my hand. I mean, I sure as hell don't blame Sam and I know that this is no less than what I deserve but still...

"Divorce?" I manage to choke out.

"Yes."

"Why?" I ask, even though it's not all that hard to figure it out. It is because Sam is disgusted by me. It's because I was a frakking skinjob's whore for four frakking months and he knows it. Yes, I can't even pretend that I don't understand why he wants out of this marriage but still...

"Because..." he begins before trailing off.

"Because of what I did?" I ask, biting by lip.

"'What you did'?" he repeats.

"Don't play the fool, Sam!"

"I'm not 'playing the fool', damn it, I just don't have a frakking clue as to what the hell you mean by that!"

"Yeah, right!" I snort.

"Damn it, Kara!"

"So you expect me to believe that you are not dumping me because I was Leoben's whore?" I growl, knowing that he is **_not_** going to say it and not really wanting to keep tap dancing around the issue.

"Are you frakking crazy?"

"What do you think?"

"Do you honestly believe that I...?"

"Yes!" I all but yell at him.

"Then you really are crazy! Damn it, Kara, you were that frakking skinjob's prisoner for four frakking months, you had no control over the situation at all and no-one here thinks of you as 'Leoben's whore'!"

"Then why don't you want me?"

"Oh, I want you but..." he lies.

"I get it," I say, looking away as I try to keep my emotions under control.

"I don't think you do," he contradicts me... as if it were possible to misunderstand what it means to be presented with frakking divorce papers.

"I think it's pretty clear and you are right, I..." I begin but he interrupts me.

"Damn it, Kara, that's not it!" he exclaims without even letting me finish that thought.

"It's not?"

"No, damn it. Believe me, I want you. I want you more than anything but..."

"Then why?" I ask, just wanting this whole frakking thing to make some sort of sense.

"Because I love you but you can barely stand to be in the same frakking room with me, that's why!" he says before explaining. "It's not that I don't want you. I want you more than anything but if I were to use our vows to force you to stay with me when you can't even stand my touch I would be no better than Leoben. This is not about cutting you loose, and it sure as hell is not about me not wanting you, it is about setting you free!"

"I just need a little more time, that's all," I plead.

"Time?"

"Yes. I know you are mad at me and I understand but I tried, I really did..."

"And that is precisely the problem, that you didn't trust me enough to tell me to go frak myself, that you felt you had to force yourself to 'try'," he interrupts me. "If you didn't want me to touch you, if you wanted me to back off why the hell didn't you just say so?"

"I couldn't," I admit.

"You couldn't?"

"No, I... I no longer had the right," I try to explain, even though I know Sam is not going to understand.

"'You no longer had the right'? What the frak is that supposed to mean?"

"You are my husband and I..."

"And you didn't think you could say 'no' to me, is that it?"

"Yes... no... I don't know... I..." I trail off, feeing incredibly confused.

"You what?"

"I couldn't say no, I didn't have the right... not after I let Leoben..."

"Gods, Kara, are you even listening to yourself? Do you have any idea of just how frakking crazy that sounds?"

"No, why don't you tell me?" I challenge.

"Damn it, Kara, you didn't 'let' Leoben do anything! What part of 'there was nothing else you could have done' **_don't_** you understand?"

"It's not so frakking simple!"

"And that's the first thing you have said here that actually makes some sense. No, it's not simple but..."

"But you still want out?" I ask, wanting to put an end to this conversation and knowing that in the end that is what this whole thing boils down to.

"No, I already told you, I don't **_want_** out."

"Then why...?" I begin but he interrupts me.

"Because it's what you need, that's why!"

"'What I need' is a little more time, that's all!" I insist, even though I already know he is not going to change his mind.

"And that is precisely the point. You can have as much time as you want, believe me, I have nowhere else I'd rather be and I sure as hell am not going anywhere... in fact the only thing I want is for you to give me a chance to win you back but I want it to be your choice and as long as we remain married, as long as you feel that being with me is your duty and that you can't say 'no' to me, it is **_not_** going to be," he explains and even though a part of me can see what it is that Sam is trying to do, the rest of me can't focus on anything but the word 'divorce' that seems to be mocking me from those papers.

Sure, on a rational level I can tell that our marriage is done for --hell, if I were to be honest with myself I would have to admit that our marriage was a frakking mistake from the get go-- and that in that regard getting a divorce is the most logical thing to do but at the same time it still goes against everything I believe in and I am having a hard time trying to wrap my mind around the idea.


	53. Chapter 53

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 53  
(Cottle's POV)

"What the frak were you thinking?" I ask as soon as I walk into my office, glaring at Anders and not happy about the mess we are going to have to clean up now. Starbuck had been doing reasonably well up until now... the problem is that annoying little 'had'.

"I was doing what I thought was best," he growls, glaring right back at me.

"What you thought was best?" I repeat.

"Yes, damn it!"

"And you didn't think maybe you should have talked to me **_before_** taking it upon yourself to upend Starbuck's world yet again?"

"No, I didn't. As far as I'm concerned **_our_** marriage is none of **_your_** business."

"She is my patient and she is still under my care. That makes it my business," I remind him. "We have to present a unified front if we want to help her and you sure as hell can't just spring something like this on her out of nowhere, not without running it by me first. The last thing she needs right now is for us to be working at cross-purposes from each other."

"Yeah, right!" he snorts.

"What the frak is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you keep talking about presenting a 'unified front' but when it comes down to it, you always end up leaving me out of it," he replies. "She is my wife, damn it, but Apollo had all but moved in with her long before you allowed me as much as a supervised visit... and it's only been a couple of days since I was allowed to spend a few hours with her without a frakking chaperone so don't you dare come to me talking about some gods-damned 'unified front' now!"

"I'm sorry, son, but Starbuck was in no shape to..." I begin but he interrupts me.

"Oh, believe me, I know all too well what kind of shape she was in, I know she didn't want to see me and I also know I messed up. You don't have to remind me of **_why_** you banned me from her side but..." he trails off.

"But what?"

"But you could still have warned me," he whispers.

"Warned you?"

"Yes, damn it! I mean I know I'm not military and I sure as hell am not a frakking Adama but she is my wife and if only your 'unified front' would have included something as simple as letting me know what the frak was going on with her then maybe I wouldn't have had to hand her those frakking papers in the first place!"

"Do you really believe it is that simple?" I ask, openly shaking my head at that. Oh, I understand where he is coming from but at the same time I also know that the moment we start blaming each other we'll be in trouble.

"What the frak is that supposed to mean?" he growls, obviously not wanting to face the facts.

"You know what it means."

"I don't know, damn it! I mean, I know I had already screwed up by the time she..." he trails off.

"By the time she tried to kill herself?" I volunteer when it becomes apparent that he is not going to say it.

"Yes... but if I had known then I wouldn't have..." he begins but I interrupt him.

"Let me guess: if you had known you wouldn't have tried to kiss her when she first woke up and then maybe I wouldn't have had to ban you from her side and the two of you would have lived happily ever after, is that it?"

"Maybe, I don't know... I'll never know. That is the frakking point!" he all but yells at me.

"You may be right when you say I should have warned you and you may even have a point when you say that if I had maybe you wouldn't have felt it was necessary for you to hand her those papers today, but do you honestly believe that if you had known the final outcome of this whole thing would have been all that different?"

"I don't know --I'll never know-- but we would at least have had a chance, damn it!" he snaps.

"No, you wouldn't have, and you know it," I say, not willing to take the full blame for this one... even though I know he is not completely wrong when he says that some of my own decisions may well have had something to do with the way in which this whole thing played out... that by letting Apollo in while keeping him out I may well have put the final nail in their marriage's coffin but the thing is that I wouldn't have done it if that hadn't been what she wanted... what she needed.

"What the frak is that supposed to mean?"

"You know what it means."

"No, I dont. Why don't you spell it out for me?" he asks, almost daring me to fill in the blanks.

"How about the fact that your marriage was doomed from the moment the cylons showed up?" I ask, not willing to back down. "You are right, you are not military and you are not an Adama... but you are leaving out the fact that she is Starbuck and that is the real problem here because Starbuck is most definitely military and --even if it is not by blood-- she is alsoan Adama."

"She is my wife, damn it!"

"Yes, but long before she became your wife she was already Starbuck and Starbuck is always going to be one half of Starbuck and Apollo. That is the one thing you can't compete against. Maybe on New Caprica, where she could afford to be just Kara and Apollo was nowhere to be found, the two of you would have stood a chance but here on the Galactica that was never going to be the case. Sooner or later you would have lost her no matter what you did and I think you know it."

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Hi guys, thanks for reading (and reviewing... we can't forget the reviewing, even if I'm **_way_** behind in replying to those reviews). I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for sticking with me for over a year (YIKES!).

I also wanted to explain a couple of things about this particular chapter, especially to the dedicated Sam-haters among you: there are two reasons why this chapter was included. The first is that it deals with some issues that I felt had to be addressed, though I admit that this was not its original placement. The second has to do with the fact that the next one ends in a cliffhanger and, seeing how I'm going to be moving to a different hemisphere on Thursday, chances are that the next chapter will be delayed by at least a week and I didn't want to leave you hanging. This chapter was self-contained and moving it did make sense plot-wise so I decided to do that.

Okay, that's it for now. Take care and thanks again for reading,

Alec


	54. Chapter 54

**_For notes, warnings ad disclaimers, see chapter 1._**

Chapter 54  
(Lee's POV)

Is it just me or there is something wrong with this whole scene? I mean, I understand why Cottle insists on these little get-togethers to discuss Kara's progress, I understand the need to present a unified front when dealing with her and so on but at the same time... well, at the same time I can't help but to feel that she should be included in some way. After all, it is still **_her_** life.

The problem is that, even though we are here mostly as Kara's family, this is still a battlestar. There is also a military chain of command that has to be taken into account and I am all too aware of what my place in that particular pecking order happens to be. I am supposed to do as I'm told, keep my mouth shut and not speak unless I'm spoken to... and, seeing how so far no-one seems to be too interested in what I have to say, I am basically stuck.

"Well, for starters I want her out of here for a few hours a day," says Cottle, pulling me out of my musings.

"Isn't it too soon?" asks my father, sounding far from convinced... not that he is the only one who has some misgivings.

"Oh, from a physical perspective she is more than ready to handle it. The problem is that right now she is still in hiding and that is the next thing we are going to have to tackle."

"In hiding?"

"Essentially. When I decided to put her in a private room my idea was to give her a safe place to heal and it has worked, in fact it has worked a little too well and that is getting to be a problem. Even though hers is far from the first suicide attempt we have had to deal with and she knows it, there is still a sense of shame about it. She is understandably reluctant to face the rest of the crew and as long as she feels safe in here she has no reason to do it at all. That means that we are going to have to give her a little nudge."

"What kind of nudge?"

"Some incentive to get out of here," explains the doctor. "I have been adding some of her friends to her visitors list, whether she wants them there or not, but it's been a battle and I think she is ready for some limited exposure to a less controlled environment. For the time being I want her to go back to eating in the mess at least once a day."

"But the mess..."

"Is a mess. It is loud and chaotic, I know and that's why I want someone to be there with her to run interference, at least until the rest of the crew can get used to seeing her around but at the same time she no longer has any dietary restrictions so there is no medical reason for her **_not_** to go back to eating with everyone else. In addition to that I was also wondering if it would be possible for you to use her for a couple of hours three or four times a week in the CIC."

"CIC?" dad repeats, sounding a little surprised.

"Well, she is nowhere near strong enough to handle a maintenance shift just yet, not even a partial one, and I don't think she is emotionally ready to deal with a new batch of nuggets but she is well enough to study or do some paperwork," explains Cottle. "The problem is that neither study nor paperwork are likely to help us get her out of here and that is my top priority so..."

"So you were thinking that CIC could be a good alternative," dad finishes for him and I can't help but to cringe at the thought.

"Something like that."

"I'll see what I can do" says my dad before turning his attention to me. "What is it, Lee?"

"CIC," I reply, not wanting to explain but knowing that I'm going to have to.

"What about it?"

"Dee is bound to be there," I remind them.

"So?"

"So that may make it more than a little awkward for Kara and that could be a problem."

"Well, seeing how she is only going to be there for a couple of hours at a time, it shouldn't be too hard to arrange them around Dualla's schedule."

"Thanks."

"So I take it that the two of you still haven't worked things out?"

"To tell you the truth I'm not even sure that there's anything left for us to work out in the first place," I admit with a sigh and not really wanting to talk about my marriage.

"I'm sorry, son," says my father.

"It's not your fault."

"And you are still staying with Kara?"

"Yes. I'm not ready to go back to the pilot's quarters and... well, the truth is that I sleep better when I can keep an eye on her," I say rather awkwardly. "I mean, I know I can't do much but..."

"Do much?" asks my father, not quite understanding what I mean by that.

"She is having some pretty serious nightmares," I explain.

"What, you were expecting her to have pleasant dreams?" snorts Cottle, shaking his head.

"Excuse me?"

"I think he means that considering everything Kara's been through, some nightmares are to be expected, son."

"I know, or at least the rational part of my mind does. I just wish I could do something about it. I feel so frakking useless..." I mutter.

"There's nothing you can do. Her nightmares are just one of those things she is going to have no choice but to deal with," says the doctor.

"And another reason to keep her out of her old bunk for the foreseeable future?" I ask.

"Unless we can arrange for her to be assigned private quarters on something remotely resembling a permanent basis, I'm afraid so. She is a proud woman and I don't want to take a chance that she will say something in her sleep that will alert her bunkmates to the details of what she's been through."

"She is not really talking in her sleep," I reassure them. "I mean, she does whimper sometimes and she has woken up screaming more than once but that is about it."

"Still, the fact that it hasn't happened doesn't mean that it won't and, considering what's at stake, I'd rather not take any chances," insists Cottle. "She is stuck in the Galactica. She has nowhere to go and if word of this were to get out, that could make facing the rest of the crew almost unbearable for her."

"And has she told you anything about those nightmares?" asks my dad, looking at me.

"Not much."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that I did try to get her to talk to me about it a few days ago but she didn't go into much detail and I didn't want to push," I admit before adding. "She just said that she couldn't even close her eyes without seeing 'them'."

"'Them'?" repeats my father.

"Leoben, Simon... and one of her mom's old boyfriends, some guy named Jonas, I think."

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Hi guys, okay I managed to get this posted today (my cat, my dog and I survived in spite of the airline though I haven't even begun to unpack. Anyway as soon as I landed I managed to track down a hot spot I could use so here you have this week's chapter... I wonder what that says about my priorities). Hopefully things will eventually go back to some semblance of normal.

Take care and thanks for reading... and reviewing. I really appreciated it!

Alec


	55. Chapter 55

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 55  
(Adama's POV)

"Jonas?" I repeat, having never even heard her mention that name before.

"Yeah... from what she told me she didn't like him but, seeing how her mom did, she was stuck living with him anyway."

"Is that what she told you?" prods Cottle and something in the way he is looking at Lee alerts me to the fact that he is up to something so, even though I have several questions I am itching to ask, I allow him to take the lead.

"Basically."

"Do you remember what she said, what her exact words were?" he insists.

"She just said that he was one of the many losers her mom used to date when she was growing up, one that stayed for a lot longer than the others. She didn't like him and she wanted him gone but there was nothing she could do about it. She told me that he lived with them for almost two years, from the time she was ten to the time she was twelve," Lee explains with a shrug.

"So that relationship lasted for a fairly long time, especially from a child's perspective?"

"Twenty-two months, why?"

"And she didn't give any additional explanation? She didn't say why she didn't like him or why he got mixed in with Simon and Leoben in her mind in the first place?" insists Cottle, not even acknowledging Lee's question.

"Not really. I guess it was because it was something she couldn't control, something she couldn't escape... just like she couldn't escape Simon and Leoben down on New Caprica. She may have wanted this 'Jonas' gone with everything she had but, seeing how she was just a kid, she was basically at his mercy."

"'At his mercy'? Is that what she said?" Cottle pushes.

"No, it's just an expression... one I never even used in her presence," says Lee, rather defensively and somewhat taken aback by the doc's vehemence.

"So those are your words, not hers?"

"I guess, but when I explained it along those lines she didn't contradict me, why?"

"Because I suspect that your little 'expression' may be closer to the truth than you realize."

"What the frak is that supposed to mean?" Lee blurts out even as I realize what it is that Cottle is **_not_** saying.

"You are not suggesting that..." I begin before trailing off, not even wanting to say the words. This is my 'daughter', damn it, and just thinking about it is enough to make me want to kill someone.

"It would certainly explain a lot... and not just about her recent behavior," he points out.

"But..." I say, wanting to argue, even though deep down I can't help but to acknowledge that he does have a point, that it would explain a lot.

"But you don't want it to be so?" he asks and I glare at him because he is right. I don't want it to be true but I suspect it is.

"He doesn't want what to be so?" Lee interrupts us, sounding more than a little puzzled and I realize that I am going to have to explain it to him... and that in order to do that I'm going to have no choice but to say it.

"He means that we can't quite dismiss the possibility that Kara may have been molested by this 'Jonas', son," I explain, just wanting to get this over with.

"**_WHAT?!_**"

"I said that..."

"I heard you but..."

"But what?"

"But that is crazy! She was just a kid! She was ten frakking years old when that bastard moved in with them!" he exclaims, shaking his head.

"So?" asks Cottle, who has never been all that fond of sugarcoating the truth in the first place.

"'So'?" Lee repeats, glaring at the doctor and not even trying to keep the anger out of his voice.

"Yes, 'so?' I know you and you are not that naive."

"No, but..."

"But this is Kara? But this is wrong?"

"Yes, damn it!"

"And do you honestly believe that just because it is Kara and because it is wrong it didn't happen?"

"No, but..."

"But you still don't want it to be true?"

"No," Lee replies, even though I can see his denial crumbling before my eyes... not that mine is doing much better. The problem is that, regardless of whether Cottle is right or not, we are still going to have to confront this **_thing_** somehow and that is not going to be pretty, to say nothing of the fact that --especially if he is right-- this is bound to make an even bigger mess out of Kara's recovery.

We had a plan, we had a strategy, we thought we knew what it was that we were up against and we had been making progress but this latest revelation is now threatening to cause us to have to reevaluate everything. Oh, on a rational level I know that this is not a new development and that in the long term this may actually turn out to be a good thing, that dealing with what Kara went through on New Caprica while letting something like this fester underneath would probably have come back to bite us eventually but right now I'm not in the mood to be rational or look at things on the bright side, to say nothing of the fact that in the short term the situation just got a lot more complicated. Frak, even if Cottle turns out to be wrong about this we are still going to have to figure out a way to broach the subject with her before we can do anything else and that is bound to be tricky. She is the only one who can tell us if we are on the right track but she is not the most approachable person, not even under the best of circumstances... and the fact remains that these are anything but the best of circumstances.


	56. Chapter 56

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 56  
(Cottle's POV)

Well, at least it looks like both Apollo and the Old Man are finally starting to move past the 'shoot the messenger' phase, something this particular 'messenger' can certainly appreciate.

"We are going to have to talk to her about it," says Bill, sounding rather resigned.

"Yes, and you can pretty much count on her fighting us every step of the way," I warn him.

"She is going to kill me, isn't she?" groans Apollo.

"I don't think it will come to that."

"Would you at least let me talk to her first, give her some sort of heads up before you confront her? I mean, this is my mess so I should be the one to clean it up."

"I'll make sure to have a bed waiting for you," I say, shaking my head. I mean, I know viper pilots have a tendency to take stupid chances --after all no one with a reasonably developed sense of self-preservation would willingly step into the cockpit of one of those blasted things-- but even then I think that this may be taking things a little too far... though I can certainly understand where it is that Apollo is coming from.

"Don't even joke about it," he says, glaring at me.

"Believe me son, I'm not joking. I said that she probably won't kill you but that doesn't mean she is not going to hurt you. I can tell you that she is going to be pissed and a pissed Starbuck can be a dangerous thing."

"I know but I still have to do this."

"Just be careful. This is going to come out of nowhere as far as she is concerned and it is going to be a major shock."

"And that's why I want to do this, so that she doesn't feel like she just stepped into a frakking ambush," he insists.

"I get that and you may give her a heads up if you want but I'm not sure how much good that's going to do her... especially because I don't think letting her stew in it would do anyone any good. You may give her a heads up but we won't be putting this off because of that. We are going to have this talk with her and we are going to have it as soon as you are done," I warn him.

"But shouldn't we..."

"No," I interrupt him, already knowing what he is going to say. "I know that may seem harsh and I know you want to spare her but the fact is that you can't. The bottom line is that this confrontation is not going to get any easier no matter what we do and because of that putting it off would only serve to prolong the agony... in fact the less of a heads up that she has, the less of a chance she is going to have to rebuild her defenses and the less painful this is going to be in the long run."

"I hate this," he mutters.

"Yes, well, no one ever said that this was going to be easy. This is a mess -- and a toxic and foul smelling one at that-- and cleaning up a mess is, almost by definition, a messy experience," I remind him, even though that is only part of the problem here. The other part is, well... them. I know we can't put this off, I know this is something we are going to have to deal with but at the same time it is still too new as far as they are concerned and that can make this even worse.

I mean, right now I think I have a better shot at predicting what Starbuck's initial reaction is going to be than at predicting how the two of them are going to take it and I hate having so many frakking variables. I don't know what Kara is going to tell us --that is the big unknown-- I don't know how they are going to take it and I sure as hell don't know how Starbuck is going to react to their reactions. At times it feels almost as if I were juggling three patients at once here and, even though having multiple patients is something I am used to, having their progress be directly dependent on that of the other is not.

Even during an epidemic, when stopping the contagion itself is the top priority, each patient's progress remains independent of that of the others but that is not the case here. Right now my main concern has to do with the fact that any one of them could easily trigger a cascading effect... and even though I think I can trust Bill to keep his reactions to himself, the younger Adama is a different story altogether.

He loves her but at the same time she knows exactly which buttons to push to keep him at arm's length and I know that when it comes to this she is going to fight us with everything she's got. That can be a deadly combination especially because even though Starbuck is all but back, Kara still has a very long way to go. That means that we have to add yet another factor to what is already a fairly complicated equation, a factor that is specifically known for its unpredictability.


	57. Chapter 57

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 57  
(Kara's POV)

'And here we go again', that is the thought that keeps running through my mind when I realize that Lee is fidgeting and looking decidedly uncomfortable. I know him and I know that he is tap-dancing around the gods know what. That is never a good thing but right now I am drawing a blank when it comes to figuring out why.

"Okay, why do I get the feeling that I am not going to like this?" I ask after what feels like ages when it becomes apparent that Lee is not going to bring it up... whatever it is that 'it' turns out to be.

"Because you are not?" he replies, not that that is much of an answer.

"What the frak is that supposed to mean?"

"I did something, something you are not going to like. I..."

"Would you just spit it out?" I growl when he trails off.

"I was talking to dad and Cottle and..."

"And?"

"And I said something, something I probably shouldn't have."

"What the frak did you say?" I insist, not liking Lee's hesitation in the least.

"I mentioned that you were having some pretty serious nightmares... and I let slip Jonas's name," he admits.

"You what?!" I exclaim, knowing that this is bad, very bad, and that if Lee is aware of just how bad this is then chances are that 'someone' clued him in on why it was that Jonas got mixed in with Simon and Leoben... and that in order to clue Lee in, that 'someone' had to have figured it out himself first.

"I let slip Jonas's name," he repeats.

"Damn it, Lee, how could you?" I ask.

"Oh, no. No way you are pinning this one on me," he mutters, glaring at me and not backing down an inch.

"No frakking 'pinning' involved. You told them!"

"Yes, I did and I'm really sorry about that but the bottom line is that if you had told me the whole truth I wouldn't have and you know it!"

"Are you saying that this is my fault somehow?"

"No, damn it, but..."

"But what?"

"But why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you?" I ask, deciding to play it safe. Oh, I am fairly certain I know what he means but I'm not one hundred percent sure and as far as I'm concerned there's no point in taking a chance on him bluffing the truth out of me.

"That you were molested by that bastard!" he blurts out and all of a sudden I find myself wishing that he would just go back to tap-dancing around the issue, if only because that made my own tap-dancing easier.

"Because I didn't want you to know and because it was none of your frakking business, that's why!" I growl, knowing that trying to deny it would mean openly lying to him and that that's a line I'm not willing to cross... not to mention that it probably wouldn't do me much good anyway.

"I thought we were supposed to be friends!"

"So?"

"What do you mean 'so'?"

"I mean that we may be friends now but this whole thing with Jonas happened a very long time ago, long before we met, and there was no frakking point in telling you about it!"

"No frakking point?"

"No, damn it! It happened, I got over it, end of story... besides, when the frak was I supposed to bring it up, before or after CAP?"

"How about when you told me about your nightmares? You told me that the problem was that you were not in control, for frak's sake!"

"No, I didn't."

"You didn't?"

"No. **_You_** said that. I just chose not to contradict you, that's all," I remind him.

"'That's all'?" he repeats, with more than a hint of anger in his voice.

"Yes, damn it! I mean, what else do you want me to say?"

"I don't know!" he snaps.

"That sure clears things up."

"I just want you to trust me!"

"I do."

"You sure have a funny way of showing it," he mutters.

"How many times do I have to tell you that it is not about trust... and it sure as hell is not abut you either?" I snap, more than a little fed up with the whole situation.

"So will you talk to me now?" he insists and I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes at that.

"No."

"'No'?" he repeats, glaring at me.

"No, damn it! You told Cottle and the Old Man, didn't you?" I ask.

"And what the frak does that have to do with anything?"

"How about the fact that I'm not frakking doing this twice? I know them and if I were to tell you now I would still have to tell them later and seeing how there's no way in hell I'm doing that you are just going to have to frakking wait," I growl, not happy with the situation at all but well aware that there's no way I'm getting out of this one, not this time around. I might have been able to deflect Lee if it had been just him but I know Cottle, I know the Old Man and I know they are not going to let it drop so the only question is how hard am I going to fight them, how painful am I going to make this for myself.


	58. Chapter 58

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

**_Additional warning:_** This chapter deals with some seriously disturbing issues and is a little more descriptive than the rest of the story.

Chapter 58  
(Kara's POV)

I eye Lee, Cottle and the Old Man warily as they march into my room, looking remarkably like a firing squad.

"What do you want to know?" I ask, trying to keep them from seeing just how freaked I am.

"What happened with Jonas?" asks Cottle, who will probably be the hardest one to deflect.

"You already know," I growl, not wanting to talk about it... not that anyone is asking for my opinion here. I guess I should be grateful that there are no buckets in sight but that doesn't mean that this is going to be fun or that this is **_not_** an interrogation.

"Not enough."

"'Not enough'?"

"No, what did he do?" he insists.

"He molested me, want me to draw you a frakking picture?" I snap... so much for keeping them from realizing how freaked I am.

"Kara," warns the Old Man.

"What?"

"Don't," he says, shaking his head, and I can't help but to cringe at that because the truth is that I do know what they mean, I know what they want to know and I know that in the end I'm going to tell them. The problem is that my every instinct is rebelling against what I have to do here. I have only been cornered into talking about this once before and that was a very long time ago.

"The first time it got bad I was ten..." I begin before trailing off, not quite sure of how to proceed. Yes, I know I have to tell them, and I know they are not going to enjoy this any more than I will, but that doesn't mean I'm looking forward to it.

"What do you mean by 'the first time it got bad'?" prods the Admiral.

"Well, I kind of had it coming, to tell you the truth but..."

"You 'had it coming'?" he interrupts me, looking almost confused at that.

"Yes."

"Believe me, you didn't," he says, shaking his head.

"Yes, I did," I insist.

"What happened?" he asks and I'm relieved to see him dropping that particular issue, not that I am naive enough to think that that was the end of it.

"When I was ten my mom started 'dating' Jonas and after she had passed out sometimes he would come into my room. It wasn't every night or anything like that but..."

"What did he do?"

"Not much, at least not at first. Sometimes he would touch me, usually he would make me touch him. It used to creep me out but he wasn't really the first one to do that and seeing how he wasn't beating the crap out of me I figured it could be worse," I explain, just wanting to get this over with but knowing that we still have a very long way to go. "Anyway, one night he came in, sat on my bed and made me kneel in front of him. He wanted me to give him a blow job. I was ten frakking years old, I had never done anything remotely like that and I thought it was gross. I felt like I was choking and I just wanted to get away but he was holding my head down and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't break his hold. I didn't really know what to do so I did the only thing I could think of: I bit him... or tried to. I was too freaked to bite hard enough to do any real damage so the only thing I managed to do was to royally piss him off but it startled him enough to cause him to let go and I was finally able to pull away... I was so relieved but he wasn't done with me, not by a long shot. At first he just started beating me. It was bad but it wasn't like I had never been hit like that before so I knew I could take it and I figured it was worth it but then..."

"Kara?" prods the Old Man, reaching for my hand.

"All of a sudden he just stopped and then he told me he was going to teach me a lesson."

"What did he do?" he asks gently.

"He threw me on the bed, pulled off my panties and stuffed them in my mouth. I managed to spit them out but... he said that I was going to learn to keep my teeth to myself and then he..." I trail off again, knowing that this is it, that there is no turning back and that they will never look at me in the same way again.

* * *

**_Author's notes:_** Hi guys, first of all thanks for reading (and reviewing, of course). I know this was a little shorter than usual and a bit on the cliff-hangerish end of the spectrum but it felt like a nice place to stop (author ducks for cover). I would say that reviews will make me write faster but I promised myself a very long time ago that I would never hold updates hostage to reviews so, no, reviewing won't make me post any sooner though that doesn't mean that I wouldn't love to hear from you.

Take care,

Alec


	59. Chapter 59

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

**_Additional warning:_** While this chapter is nowhere near as descriptive as the previous one, it is still more than a little disturbing and it deals with some adult issues (though how child abuse ever got to be considered an 'adult issue' is beyond me).

Chapter 59  
(Adama's POV)

'What the frak do you say to something like that?' that is the question that keeps running through my mind, especially because it is pretty apparent that Lee is not going to say anything and Cottle is not the kind to try to offer comfort, not even under the best of circumstances. That means it is up to me but I am feeling a little lost. Oh, there is no denying that to command a battlestar you have to be more than passingly familiar with applied psychology but unfortunately that applied psychology is not of the sort that can be applied to this situation... not without doing a lot of damage. I may be Kara's CO but I am not here as her CO and even though framing it in the context of our military roles would make this easier for me, that's not what she needs.

"It's okay," I say, feeling more than a little ridiculous but not needing --or wanting-- Kara to fill in the blanks. When she doesn't reply I add, "you **_didn't_** deserve it."

"But..." she tries to argue but I interrupt her.

"Let's get one thing straight: you were ten and you were just trying to fight back and I'm damned proud of you for trying to stand up for yourself... even if there was no way you could win."

"But if I hadn't..." she insists and I have to fight the urge to shake some sense into her.

"Listen to me. You did not deserve what that bastard did to you and from what you are saying I think it's safe to say that things were already heading in that direction. Yes, by trying to bite him you probably did rush them along --I am not even going to try to deny that-- but that didn't change the final outcome. You may have been unable to see that back when you were ten but surely you can see it now," I say, grabbing her chin and forcing her to look at me. Oh, the rational part of my mind knows that Kara's can be described as an almost textbook response and that getting her to understand that it **_wasn't_** her fault is not going to be easy but that doesn't mean I am not going to try.

"it hurt," she whispers, pulling away and looking down at her hands. It is such a simple statement.

"I know," I reply, throwing a quick look at Lee and I am not surprised to see my son looking more than a little green, though he doesn't seem to be inclined to say anything. That means that at least I don't have to worry about him accidentally opening a second front here and that is definitely a good thing. Unfortunately it also means that I can expect no help from him and the truth is that right now I could use some backing.

"So I guess it is safe to say that this tendency of yours to bite more than you can chew is **_not_** exactly a new trait?" I ask, hoping that a bit of inappropriate humor will keep Kara from withdrawing further into herself.

"You could say that," she snorts.

"And that went on for almost two years?" I prod, relieved by her reaction and trying to get this conversation back on track.

"Yes. I kept waiting for him to leave. None of my mom's other boyfriends had ever lasted anywhere near that long. They were usually gone in a matter of weeks, some may have lasted as much as a couple of months but then again Jonas..." she trails off.

"Jonas wasn't really there because of your mother, was he?"

"Not really. I mean, he made sure my mom had as much to drink as she wanted, that there was food on the table even when she wasn't working, unlike most of the losers she brought home he never hit her, didn't care if she slept around... as far as she was concerned he was the perfect man for her," she explains and I can help but to see red at that. Oh, I knew Kara's childhood had been far from perfect. I had managed to get my hands on a copy of Socrata Thrace's military file long before the colonies were destroyed and I had watched the video from Kara's questioning of Leoben. I knew what he had told her about her being born to a woman who believed in suffering so she had suffered and I had seen her reaction to that particular statement but I had never really allowed myself to contemplate exactly what it was that Leoben had meant by that.

"Did she know?" I force myself to ask, hoping that she'll understand and feeling almost literally sick at the thought. I may not have been the best of fathers but at least I can honestly say that I tried to keep my children safe.

"I don't know. I never told her but..." she trails off.

"But you suspect she did?" I finish for her, her hesitation having already all but answered my question.

"Yes... maybe. She once warned me that I'd be sorry if he left," she explains, chewing on her lower lip.

"And eventually he did?"

"Yeah. He kind of lost interest in me and took off when I got too old for his liking."

"Too old?" I repeat, wondering what the frak she could possibly mean by that.

"He was really grossed out when I first got my period. He left about a week after that," she explains with a shrug and I can't help but to cringe at the reminder of just how painfully young she was when she was deemed to be 'too old' by that bastard.


	60. Chapter 60

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1._**

Chapter 60  
(Lee's POV)

A part of me is still trying to figure out the implications of what Kara is saying but it's not so frakking simple. Sure, I understand her words but they just don't seem real. What she is saying is not something I ever imagined and it certainly is not something that can be easily reconciled with the almighty Starbuck but in spite of that I still can't quite quiet the little voice in the back of my mind that keeps telling me that I've failed, that I should have known somehow. She is my best friend, damn it, and yet I never knew. She never told me, she never trusted me and that hurts.

Oh, she has told me more than once since this whole thing began that this is not about trust and it is not about me and I think I am finally beginning to realize what she meant by that. Of course, I also suspect that what she meant is not exactly what she thought she meant.

Yes, I know that when she said this is not about me she was accusing me of being more than a little self-centered --and she may even have been right about that-- but I suspect that that is not the whole truth. I think Kara trusts me about as much as she can trust anyone but deep down she doesn't really know **_how_** to trust... and the fact that it's taken me this long to figure that one out **_does_** say something about how self-centered I have been. Hell, I knew how much I **_didn't_** know about her past all along but I never gave it much thought.

I knew her father had been a musician, I knew he had left when she was little and I knew that her mother was a subject that was strictly off-limits, but I never thought to wonder why and I certainly never pushed the issue.

The thing is that Kara has always been a sort of puzzle, one I have been trying to solve for a very long time and all of a sudden it is as if a bunch of additional pieces had been dumped on top of the ones I was already struggling with. That was unexpected and that has forced me to reevaluate the picture I thought I was putting together but at the same time there is no denying that they fit.

Kara was abused as a child and not just by Jonas. Oddly enough that is the part that is currently throwing me for a loop. Jonas I had been sort of expecting, I had tried to steel myself for what I knew I was going to hear about him but the role Socrata Thrace played in the whole thing is an entirely different matter, even if most of it was left unsaid.

Her mother knew what Jonas was doing and Kara knows she knew --and maybe even encouraged it-- but somehow I don't think that was the extent of it, in fact I know it was not.

Kara said that when Jonas was beating her she knew she could take it because it was not the first time she had been hit like that and she said it as if it were no big deal. For her that was just a passing statement but all of a sudden it was as if a bunch of those pieces that had never quite fit anywhere had clicked into place.

Her defense of my father had never quite made sense to me, not even after she told me about the role she had played in my brother's death. That had always been a point of contention between us, especially before the worlds ended. I remember getting mad at her for mocking my anger, an anger she seemed to think was ridiculous. It hurt, it bothered me... and now all of a sudden I have to admit that she was probably right all along because next to her mother my father has always been a frakking saint.

My childhood may not have been perfect but at least I never doubted the fact that my dad was 'safe'. He may have been away more than he was there and he may have cast a giant shadow but I knew he would never hurt me, not deliberately. Kara had no such certainty. She couldn't go home to look for comfort, she had no real escape and no one to turn to. Her mother was the one that brought Jonas into her life and there was not a frakking thing Kara could do about it. She was at their mercy... and in that regard I may even have been right when I told her that she had no control over the situation back then, just like she had no control with Simon and Leoben.

Frak, no wonder Jonas got mixed in with those bastards and no wonder Kara is such a frakking mess! I mean, back on New Caprica at least she knew there was a chance that someone would eventually get her out of that hell hole, she knew she was a prisoner but where the frak was she supposed to go when she was ten? She was a kid, she was abused in her own home --in her own frakking bed-- while her mother was there! That is the part that is bothering me. Jonas may have been a sick bastard but the bottom line is that he wasn't her father and protecting Kara wasn't supposed to be **_his_** responsibility. That duty fell squarely on Socrata Thrace's shoulders but she didn't... and, in a really twisted kind of way, that brings me back to my original problem. Her mother didn't protect her, she didn't keep her safe and as a result Kara learned early on that the only person she could trust was herself... and yet I keep asking her to trust me and getting mad at her when she doesn't.

That is something that is going to have to change... especially because it is not likely to get me anywhere. If I want her to trust me I'm going to have to take the first step and prove to her that I am 'safe'. That is not going to be easy but at least now I know what it is that I am up against ... well, part of it.

There are about a million other problems that we are also going to have to tackle, starting with Simon, Jonas and Leoben but at least now I think I've found one end of this thread... now all that's left for me to do is to try to untangle it.


	61. Chapter 61

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 61  
(Kara's POV)

'Frak, what do I have to say to get them to put an end to this thing once and for all?' I wonder, though I know better than to say anything out loud. Of course, I also know that even if Cottle and the Old Man were to 'put an end to it', that still wouldn't be the end of it. Lee may have been holding his piece up until now but I know him and I know that sooner or later he is going to say something... and, unlike Cottle and the Old Man, he has nowhere else he'd rather be. That means that he can afford to wait.

I am still thinking about that, wondering what the frak is Lee thinking when the Old Man's voice reminds me that the battle is anything but over and I can't afford to be caught off guard.

"Was he the only one?" he asks, the disgust clear in his voice, and I just don't know what to say at that.

"Yes, no... I..." I trail off.

"Kara?"

"It's not so frakking simple," I snap.

"Yes, it is. Were there others?"

"Yes but... it wasn't the same," I try to explain... again.

"Define 'not the same'."

"They weren't as bad. They..."

"They what?"

"I don't know," I say, feeling incredibly frustrated, especially because I know that no matter what I say now they are not going to understand and they sure as hell are not going to let this go... not that their letting this go now would do me much good.

"Try."

"Well, for starters none of the others lasted anywhere near that long and..."

"And?"

"And I knew what they wanted," I admit, feeling more than a little silly.

"Care to explain that?"

"I mean that when I was ten I didn't really understand what was going on or why Jonas was doing the things he was doing. As stupid as it may sound, I didn't know what he was getting out of it and I sure as hell didn't have a frakking clue as to what I was supposed to do."

"But by the time he left that was no longer the case," he says, not even bothering to phrase it as a question.

"No."

"So Jonas wasn't the only one?" he insists, going back to his original question.

"I guess."

"How many?" he growls but I just shrug at that.

"Kara."

"I don't know."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I don't know. After Jonas it got better, at least for a couple of years, but then..."

"Then what?"

"Then things changed. I..." I trail off for what feels like the umpteenth time and I wonder what is it going to take for me to be able to finish a frakking sentence without getting stuck.

"What changed?"

"I guess I did," I admit before going on. "I mean, up until then most of the men mom brought home saw me as a pain in the ass but when I was about fourteen some of them started noticing me. They went from seeing me like a pain in the ass to seeing me like a nice fringe benefit. At first it used to freak me out --especially after Jonas-- but then I realized that most of them were not so bad, not as long as I went along... and I did."

"Did what?"

"Go along," I explain with a shrug, knowing that there's no point in trying to deny it.

"You didn't fight them."

"No," I reply, even though that wasn't really a question.

"And that's what you meant when you said it was not the same?" he asks and I just nod at that, looking down at my hands.

"Give me your eyes, Kara," he orders and I find myself obeying, almost against my will.

"You may have gone along with them but it **_was_** still the same."

"No, it wasn't."

"You were a kid."

"So?"

"So you shouldn't have had to fight them off in the first place," he insists.

"I don't need your frakking pity."

"It's not about pity. It's about the fact that it was wrong."

"Maybe but..."

"But what?"

"Nothing."

"Kara."

"Would you please just let this go?" I plead, even though I know I am way out of line.

"What was it, Kara?" he pushes and I realize that I've managed to paint myself into a corner here and that there's going to be no fighting my way out of the mess I just got myself into. That means that there is just one thing left for me to do: I am going to have to say it and deal with the fallout.

"It's what I did about it," I finally admit.

"What you did?"

"Yeah... by the time I was fifteen I..." I trail off again.

"You what?"

"By the time I was fifteen I was already playing pyramid," I say though, if the looks on their faces are anything to go by, that explanation is nowhere near enough so I go on. "I was getting stronger and sometimes I could even get them to back off and leave me alone but I hated it. I hated the idea of going home... and the fact that I was on the team meant that I didn't really have to."

"You didn't have to?"

"No. The fact that I was on the team meant that I was popular and that meant that there were a bunch of guys wanting to frak me so I kind of had my pick. I..."

"You what, you avoided going home by sleeping around? How the frak was that better?" Lee interrupts me, finally finding his voice and sounding utterly disgusted... not that that comes as much of a surprise.

"How about the fact that at least it was my choice, that for the first time in my life I was actually in control?" I snap. Yes, I had been waiting for him to say something and I knew chances were that it was not going to be pretty but Lee is --or at least was-- my best friend and there is a difference between expecting something and having to confront that something.

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Hi guys, first of all, thanks for reading (and reviewing). I also wanted to apologize for the irregular updates, unfortunately RL has been driving me crazy lately and it doesn't look like things are going to get much better on that front any time soon. Right now I am trying to get things back into some semblance of rhythm but I am afraid it is going to be a while before things go back to normal. I am hoping to have the next chapter ready by next Wednesday (July 9) and then I'll **_try_** to go back to weekly Saturday updates starting July 20. Now, I am not promising anything but that is the tentative update schedule for the next couple of weeks.

Take care and thank you for your patience,

Alec


	62. Chapter 62

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1._**

Chapter 62  
(Cottle's POV)

I fight the urge to glare at the younger Adama but at the same time I know that --short of shooting him myself-- there is very little I can do here. Ending this conversation two minutes ago is no longer an option and trying to put an end to this now would almost certainly do Starbuck more harm than good. Of course, the fact that we are going to have to let this play out for a little longer means that I can afford to ask a couple of additional questions and in the long run that may not be such a bad thing.

"That is enough, both of you," I growl, drawing their attention to myself and hoping to minimize the damage.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, I..." mumbles Apollo, finally realizing what he said... or at least how it came out.

"Not now," I interrupt him.

"But I..."

"I said 'not now'," I repeat. Oh, I can see where he is coming from but at the same time I know that there's no way Starbuck would be willing to listen to what he has to say now and I am afraid that, if he were to insist in trying to make this 'better' without giving her time to calm down, he would only succeed in digging himself into a deeper hole.

"I'm sorry," he repeats and this time around I **_do_** glare at him. Yes, he is sorry but we can't afford to worry about that, not now. We have to get ourselves some answers and then we have to put an end to this.

"And what about Leoben?" I prod, trying to get things back on track and to determine just how deep does this particular bit of damage run.

"What do you mean?" she asks, sounding rather puzzled.

"Well, you said that there was a difference between Jonas and the men who came after him because you went along with them 'willingly' so I was wondering how would you describe the situation with Leoben in that regard. Where does he fit in that spectrum?"

"I don't know, I... I don't know," she trails off.

"Did you go along with him?" I push, even though I already know the answer to that particular question.

"No... at least not at first."

"But eventually you did?"

"Yes," she admits.

"Why?"

"Because there was no point in fighting him. I tried but... I... I wasn't strong enough. I couldn't beat him."

"So when it became apparent that you couldn't beat him you decided to go along with him, is that it?"

"I guess," she says with a shrug.

"And could you have beaten any of the others?" I ask.

"No, but..."

"But what?"

"But I didn't even try," she whispers.

"Why not?"

"Because I was a kid and there wasn't a frakking thing I could do about any of it!" she snaps.

"And that is precisely the point," I say, seeing an opening and hoping that she'll understand, though I know it is unlikely to be anywhere near that simple.

"What?"

"You were a kid and no matter how hard you tried, you still wouldn't have been able to fight them off. You may have gone along with them but that doesn't mean you had a choice."

"I should have tried!" she insists.

"Like you 'tried' with Leoben?"

"I guess," she says, looking away.

"There's more to it than that, isn't there?" I ask, realizing that there is something in Starbuck's story that still doesn't add up, something she isn't telling me.

"What do you mean?"

"When did you realize that you couldn't beat Leoben?" I ask but she just shrugs at that and I consider the possibility of letting this go, at least for the time being. Yes, I am well aware that we have pushed too hard already but at the same time we need to know as much as we can about what we are dealing with here and, even though I can see that she is tired and I know I should probably let this go, I also know that getting her to open up about this again would be both extremely painful and next to impossible.

"Starbuck?" I insist when she doesn't answer.

"I... I don't know... I guess I knew all along," she admits, sounding rather confused.

"But you still fought him."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because it wasn't the same... because it wasn't really about me or about what he was doing to me."

"It 'wasn't about you'?" I ask, trying to make some sort of sense out of her words.

"No, he... he wanted more."

"More?"

"Yes. It wasn't like the others... it wasn't just about frakking me... that would have been easy. I knew there was nothing I could do about that, I knew I couldn't hope to fight him in that regard but..."

"But what?"

"But he wanted more than that. He didn't just want me to stop fighting him... he... he wanted me to love him and..."

"And did you?" I push getting really worried by the scope of the damage we are dealing with.

"I don't know... I... I stopped fighting... I did what he wanted me to, so maybe I..."

"You think that the fact that you went along with him means that maybe you did?" I ask and she just nods at that, looking utterly exhausted.

"You didn't," I say... not that I expect her to believe me but knowing that we have to put an end to this and we have to do it now because Starbuck is already at the end of her rope here.


	63. Chapter 63

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1._**

Chapter 63  
(Cottle's POV)

We are waiting for the Admiral to join us and I am taking advantage of the opportunity to at least try to get my thoughts in some semblance of order, something I know I am going to need in the next few minutes. Yes, the situation is bad, it would be foolish not to acknowledge that, but at the same time we may have stumbled onto an unexpected blessing here. Of course, trying to get the Adamas to see it that way is probably going to take a minor miracle and even if I can pull it off... well, let's just say that they are not going to like what I have to say and leave it at that.

I am still thinking about that when Bill finally joins us.

"How is she?" asks Apollo.

"Asleep... or at least that's what she wanted me to believe. Would you mind telling me what the frak were you thinking in there?" he growls.

"I know it was stupid, believe me, but I..."

"But what, hearing about it was more than**_ you_** could take?" he snaps, glaring at his son.

"I'm sorry, but I... I was having a hard time imagining Kara..."

"I know, son, but she didn't need that sort of outburst... especially not from you."

"I know," he admits.

"So what happens now?" asks the Admiral, turning his attention to me.

"Nothing."

"'Nothing'?" he repeats.

"There is nothing for us to do," I explain.

"How can you say that?" he pushes, obviously not satisfied with that explanation.

"Because it's the truth?" I reply before adding. "This may make it a little easier for us to see what we are dealing with and to understand where she is coming from. That is definitely a good thing but our most pressing concern has to be coping with the consequences of what she's been through in these past few months and in that regard nothing has changed. This information may make a difference in terms of her long term prognosis, that is true, but even that is far from certain."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, there is bad news, worse news and even some good news, though the bad news aren't really new, the worse news are something we already suspected and the good news... let's just say that I'm not sure how good those good news are to begin with," I say with a shrug.

"Explain," Bill prompts me, and I know that the fact that he has reverted to one word commands is not a good sign.

"The bad news is that she is a mess. As I said, that's not news. The worse news is that this mess goes deeper than we had originally thought..."

"And the good news?" he prods when I trail off.

"And the good news is where things get more than a little ironic."

"Ironic?"

"To say the least. The good news is that, thanks to what she went through with Jonas and the others, the damage inflicted by Leoben may in fact turn out to be minimal."

"But you just said that the worse news are that this mess goes deeper than you expected it to go, so how can the damage be minimal?"

"Because the fact that it goes deeper may also mean that the damage we have to deal with is less extensive."

"I'm afraid I'm still not following you."

"It's fairly simple, the key to my original statement is 'the damage inflicted by Leoben'. Let me see if I can explain it a little better. Have either of you ever thrown something like a bottle of Ambrosia against a wall?" I ask.

"A couple of times," admits the Admiral, beating his son to it.

"And what happened?" I prod.

"It shattered and its content spilt," comes the rather predictable answer.

"Okay, now assume that instead of that bottle you had thrown a fistful of those resulting shards against the same wall using the same force, would the results have been the same?"

"No, of course not. The bottle would have been broken already and there would have been no contents left to spill, not to mention that shards are harder to break in the first place," he replies, obviously still not seeing what I'm getting at.

"So there would have been no additional damage?" I insist.

"I didn't say that, but the damage would certainly have been less. Some of the shards may have broken into smaller pieces but that would probably have been the extent of it."

"Exactly."

"What are you saying?" he insists, though I suspect that that is due more to the fact that he does not want to see than to his not understanding what I'm trying to tell him. The problem is that either way that means I am going to have to spell it out for him, for them... and the bottom line is that Bill is not the one who is going to have the most trouble coming to terms with that explanation.

"It's fairly simple: Leoben tried to break Starbuck and he obviously managed to do some damage but that damage was mitigated by the fact that what he was trying to break was already broken," I explain before going on. "Now, that doesn't change much in terms of what we are dealing with when it comes to Starbuck's current condition but it **_may_** mean that the long term outlook is less dire than we had expected it to be because our focus is on the damage inflicted by Leoben and that damage is in fact minimal."

"Because most of the damage was inflicted by Jonas, long before Leoben came along?" he asks, finally putting the pieces together.

"Pretty much," I reply, though I seriously doubt that that is going to be the end of this.


	64. Chapter 64

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 64  
(Adama's POV)

As much as I may not want to admit it, I have to say that Cottle's words **_do_** make a disgusting amount of sense... the problem is that I am still struggling to come to terms with what it all means. It has simply been too much, too fast. Less than twenty-four hours ago I was completely oblivious to the details of Kara's past. Two hours ago I had some inklings as to what it was that we were dealing with but absolutely no details. Now I wish I could go back to **_not_** knowing, even as I try to figure out how I could possibly have missed something like this... and if I am having a hard time trying to wrap my mind around the implications of this thing, I don't even want to imagine how Lee is doing. Granted, except for a monumentally stupid outburst Lee has managed to keep his tongue in check but that doesn't mean this isn't hitting him and hitting him hard. I can see the anger in his eyes, I know that anger is looking for an outlet and because of that I suspect that his silence is not going to last.

"So we are just going to sit around pretending that that damage isn't there because it 'wasn't inflicted by Leoben'?" he asks before I can even finish that thought.

"No, unfortunately it is not that simple," says Cottle.

"'Unfortunately'?" he repeats.

"Yes."

"Are you crazy?!" he blurts out, with a total disregard for military protocol, however I decide to let it slide. We are here as Kara's family --not as her commanding officers-- so it wouldn't be fair to bring military discipline into this. Besides, Lee is currently the one who is spending the most time with her and the better his understanding of what we are up against is, the less likely he is going to be to make an even bigger mess out of this one. That means that he has to be allowed to ask his own questions.

"No," comes Cottle's rather predictable reply, though I don't think that is going to satisfy Lee... hell, it's not even going to satisfy me.

"Then how the frak can you say that?" growls my son, obviously**_ not_** happy with that answer.

"Because it is not so simple," he insists before going on. "Yes, most of the damage was inflicted long before Leoben came along but the damage inflicted by that damn skin-job is not separate or self-contained and that means that we are going to have no choice but to address it as well."

"And that's a bad thing?" he asks, still glaring at the doctor.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because, for better or for worse, before New Caprica Starbuck had a coping mechanism, one that enabled her to function. It may not have been pretty and it may not have been healthy but it worked. The problem is that Leoben managed to breach those defenses, leaving the original damage exposed and forcing her to confront it. Yes, she knew all along what Jonas and the others had done to her, she had sort of come to terms with it years ago but chances are that as a child she didn't fully understand what it all meant. These past few months probably changed that and forced her to face it from an adult's perspective. That is what she couldn't take and that is what we are going to have one hell of a time trying to help her come to terms with. It is also what is going to make 'going back to the way things used to be' impossible. If the damage inflicted by Leoben --which is not nearly as extensive as it should have been-- had been self-contained, addressing that damage would have been relatively easy and that would have taken us back to the way things were before New Caprica, unfortunately it is not that simple... which is exactly what I said when you first asked me if we were just going to pretend that that damage wasn't there because it wasn't inflicted by Leoben."

"But if the damage inflicted by Leoben is not self-contained and we are going to have to address the damage inflicted by Jonas and the others anyway, why did you say that the good news is that the damage inflicted by Leoben is minimal?" I ask, seizing up on that apparent contradiction and hoping to find something --anything-- that would allow me to refute Cottle's words.

"Because Leoben didn't break her," he explains.

"He didn't break her? She tried to kill herself, for frak's sake!" Lee exclaims.

"I said that **_Leoben_** didn't break her but that doesn't mean she isn't 'broken'. That was precisely the point of my little analogy, in case you didn't notice," replies the doctor, openly rolling his eyes at my son. "Of course, I also said that the damage is not self-contained, that this is a mess and that the damage goes deeper than we had expected it to go but that is not the point. The point is that because he **_didn't_** take into account the damage inflicted by Jonas, Leoben made a mistake and that in turn is what is giving us an unexpected opening here."

"Leoben made a mistake?"

"Yes."

"What kind of a mistake?" I jump in, almost as desperate for a glimmer of hope as I suspect Lee is.

"He tried to used sex to convince her that he loved her and she loved him. Granted, his primary purpose was to impregnate her and in that regard sex was not optional, but that was not the extent of it and I think we all know that. The thing is that, given that chances are that Starbuck doesn't see sex as most of us do, Leoben's approach was fundamentally flawed. You see, while most of us associate sex with love, at least to a certain extent, chances are that for her those two things have nothing to do with each other. From her perspective sex can probably be about a lot of things but love is unlikely to be one of them."

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Just a note to thank you for reading and a special thanks to those who have taken the time to review (I just made it past the 250 review mark, yippee!). I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate it! Thanks again,

Alec


	65. Chapter 65

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1._**

Chapter 65  
(Cottle's POV)

If the stakes weren't so damned high this whole conversation would be laughable. I mean, this is supposed to be a battlestar --the **_last_** battlestar, to be precise-- we are at war and yet I am debating the extent of a young woman's psychological scars and how she understands the concept of 'love' with both the Admiral and the CAG. Granted, Starbuck is not any young woman. She is the closest thing Bill has to a daughter, as for his son... well, let's just say that Apollo may be his father's son but I don't think he sees Starbuck as a sister and I certainly wouldn't describe his concerns as brotherly. That is part of what makes this whole thing so tricky. Unfortunately, even though I am trying my best here, this is **_not_** my specialty... in fact there are no specialists left and that is precisely the problem. Most of our knowledge went up in smoke with our worlds so, gods help us all, I am going to have to do.

"'Love is unlikely to be one of them'?" repeats Apollo, not that I was expecting him to let this go.

"Yes."

"What the frak do you mean by that?"

"I mean that in her mind rape is the norm but Leoben failed to recognize that. Think about it, she was ten years old."

"So?" he growls.

"So there's no before and after in her case," I explain before going on. "It is not the same as with an adult woman who has a frame of reference that enables her to recognize rape as an aberration to begin with, to say nothing of the fact that Jonas was a part of her life for almost two years so we are most definitely **_not_** dealing with an isolated incident here. That also explains why she doesn't have a clear concept of consent and that in turn explains why she doesn't see what the men that came after Jonas did to her as rape. Simply put, she does not have the basic tools to recognize it as such. Now, when it comes to Leoben, that works both for her and against her."

"How come?"

"Well, you have to keep in mind that this is at best a very general theory because even though we have a vague idea of what Leoben did to her, we don't have much in terms of details. Anyway, the way I see it, it works for her because chances are that even when she wasn't actively fighting Leoben, her responses were probably still atypical enough to keep him slightly off balance. You can think of it as an equation with a variable that hasn't been properly calculated. That may be analogous to what Leoben encountered and the result was that his actions were probably not resulting in the reactions he was expecting to see. Now, I don't think it was anything glaring enough to get him to change his approach but it was probably enough to lessen the effectiveness of his strategy. That is the good news. The bad news is that it works against her because, seeing how her definition of consent is badly skewed to begin with, she can't recognize coercion as rape. Add to that the fact that while she was growing up she was almost certainly bombarded with messages that equate sex with love and the end result can simply be described as a tangled mess, one that is going to be all but impossible to untangle. She didn't fight Leoben and in her mind that means it wasn't rape and that is a problem, one that is further complicated by the fact that she doesn't have a clue of where the line between rape, sex and love is supposed to be."

"But you just said that for her sex has nothing to do with love."

"It doesn't, at least not as we understand that word, but that doesn't mean she is aware of that fact," I point out.

"How can she **_not_** be aware of something like that?"

"I already told you: because she has no frame of reference, that is the key. It may be true that in her experience sex has nothing to do with love but that doesn't mean she hasn't been told countless times that both things are supposed to go together so she may not even be aware that something is missing from her experience in the first place."

"That's crazy!" he exclaims.

"Not really. It may sound crazy to you but from her perspective it all adds up because she doesn't have anything to compare it with, that is precisely the problem," I explain before going on. "Our experiences shape our expectations and our definition of what is and is not 'normal'... and the bottom line is that in her case those experiences have led to a highly abnormal --but working-- definition of 'normal'."

"But she **_does_** have a frame of reference," insists Apollo. "She is married, she was engaged, she..."

"Yes, she is married, she was engaged and that means that she **_does_** have something to compare what happened with Leoben with, and that may even have played a role in her reactions on New Caprica, but that still doesn't mean she understands what a 'loving relationship' is supposed to be or how it works nor does it mean that she has what most people would consider a normal frame of reference," I interrupt him, though I know I am going to have to be careful here because neither Adama is likely to take kindly to some of the details of what I have to say. "Think of what we learned here today. She was physically abused by her mother and sexually abused by her mother's boyfriends. That is where she is coming from. Granted, she has a husband now and she had a fiancé before that but going by what I know of Sam --and by your brother's age at the time of his death-- I don't think either one of them knew what they were up against. Chances are that they both assumed she understood what 'love' meant, just like you are doing now. Unfortunately it is an easy mistake to make, not to mention a recipe for disaster. Hell, even if on a rational level she **_is_** aware of the fact that her own experiences have been different, that still doesn't mean she is in a position to understand what those differences entail. In fact I am fairly certain that being suddenly confronted with what most of us understand by 'love', especially in a sexual context, would be enough to send that girl screaming into the night."


	66. Chapter 66

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 66  
(Lee's POV)

I feel almost as if I had been sucker-punched but at the same time I can't quite stop myself from trying to connect the dots... not that connecting the dots is all that hard, especially not considering how frakking obvious the damn pattern has suddenly become.

I remember my physics teacher when I was sixteen saying that one of the most compelling forms of evidence you can ever encounter is when a theory has the power to accurately predict the outcome of a seemingly unrelated and unexplained phenomenon --one you didn't deliberately factor into it-- and that is pretty much what Cottle has done here. He may not know it but Kara **_did_** 'run screaming into the night' and I never really knew why... at least not until today.

The problem is that --even though I can see the logic behind the doctor's words-- I still can't bring myself to think about it as anything but 'it'. Even the few details, the fraction of a scene Kara described before my father cut her off, was too much for me. I don't want to think about the details of what she's been through, not with Leoben and certainly not with Jonas. As stupid as it sounds, I am afraid that using nouns and verbs to describe 'it' will make 'it' real.

Sure, the rational part of my mind knows that burying my head in the sand is not going to change a frakking thing here but it is not so frakking simple. I know I have to face this and I also know 'it' is something that has been in the background ever since I met Kara but even the fact that I didn't know is something I am having a hard time trying to come to terms with. I mean, am I really that naive? How could I have missed something like this not once but twice? What else have I failed to notice simply because I didn't want to see? Those are some of the questions that keep running through my mind... those and a disturbing fraction of a scene I don't want to think about and yet I can't seem to escape.

I keep going back to what Kara told us, I keep seeing that gods-damned image time and time again. I keep seeing her as a ten year-old kneeling in front of a faceless monster and I want desperately to do **_something_** about it but I know I can't because what I'm 'seeing' is something that happened a very long time ago... and at the same time I am also struggling to come to terms with the fact that Kara has lived with those memories since she was ten frakking years old.

She was ten frakking years old. That is the part I find almost impossible to comprehend.

Hell, when I was ten I thought that girls were weird and what little I knew of sex seemed alien and utterly gross, not that I spent that much time thinking about it, not back then. That came later. For Kara things were very different. When she was ten she couldn't afford not to think about it. For her sex wasn't something alien, it was something that was terrifyingly real --something she could neither control nor escape-- and that changed her at a fundamental level, it had to. What she went through, it affected how she viewed the world and how she viewed herself... and to this day we are still dealing with the consequences of those changes.

I think that is what Cottle was trying to get me to realize when he said that there is no before and after in her case, that her frame of reference is so skewed that what we consider 'normal' seems totally abnormal to her. Hell, I have a frame of reference but that doesn't mean I can relate to what she's been through or that I understand where she is coming from so why should hers be any more effective when it comes to understanding my perspective?

I am still trying to figure that one out, trying to add the things I've learned today to what I've always known about Kara's past but it's not easy... or maybe the problem is that it is a little **_too_** easy because the truth is that Kara rarely --if ever-- mentioned her past... or at least her childhood. That should have been a red flag, as should have been a number of things that didn't quite add up, like her painting. That was something that didn't really fit with her 'Starbuck' persona but I never thought to question its origins. In fact that is another one of those explanations I wasn't really looking for but that suddenly seem glaringly obvious and, even though that truth is one of those things I would much rather not know, it is also something I have no choice but to face. Simply put, ignorance may be bliss but it is also a luxury I can no longer afford... not when her survival is literally at stake.

She tried to kill herself once already, that is what started this thing in the first place and, even though I would like to believe that the worst is past, that she is truly doing better now, I am not willing to bet her life on it... and that means I am going to have no choice but to think about 'it' and I am going to have to use verbs and nouns when doing so.

That is a terrifying prospect but there is no way around it. I need to know but I'm afraid to ask... not to mention that if I want to be able to ask --or at least ask Cottle-- then I am going to have to come clean to both him and my father about why is it that I need to know in the first place. For them this is still mostly about Leoben and maybe Jonas, for me it is about something else. That means I am going to have to tell them about what happened that night on New Caprica. I can't keep that to myself for much longer and I know it but that conversation is not one I am looking forward to... especially not considering that right now my father is itching to have someone he can crucify for this mess and, seeing how neither Leoben nor Jonas are available, I suspect that coming clean about that night will be the same as volunteering for that particular role.

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Hi guys first of all sorry about the delay and thank you so much for sticking with me. I have to say that this chapter flat out refused to be written (in fact I am still not entirely happy with it) and RL didn't help... in fact RL is bound to remain a problem for a few more weeks and that brings me to the second reason behind this note: I am not sure I'll have the next chapter ready by next week and after that I am going to have no computer access for two weeks so there may be another three week delay coming up. I am really sorry about that.

Take care and thanks for reading (and reviewing, we can't forget about reviewing),

Alec


	67. Chapter 67

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 67

(Kara's POV)

'And I was expecting this to be some sort of reprieve from the awkwardness with Lee?' I think to myself, knowing that there's no way I'm getting out of this one but not quite sure of how to respond either. Yes, ever since yesterday's little 'chat' Lee has been walking on eggshells around me but even that is nothing compared to what I am facing now. Every gods damned pair of eyes --and one familiar half a pair-- seem to be glued on to me and I would say that you could probably hear a fly if it weren't because, seeing how ships are tightly controlled artificial environments, those damned critters were one of the less mourned casualties of the holocaust. Hey, it's not much comfort but it is definitely something... and why the frak am I thinking about flies anyway?

Maybe it is because thinking about flies is easier than facing the fact that I am in the frakking mess facing the whole gods damned crew and feeling like a gods damned bug under a frakking microscope. Sure, the rational part of my mind has always known that leaving the safety of my temporary 'quarters' was something I was going to have to do sooner or later but the truth is that I was all for 'later'. I know it sounds cowardly and I hate that but I can't help it. I hate feeling weak, I hate being seen as weak but at the same time I know I can't blame this frakking mess on anyone but myself. I am the one who was too damned incompetent to get this over with once and for all... though now that I think about it, Cottle did more than his share to ensure that failure.

Well, there is no getting out of this one. I am here now and that means I am just going to have to deal with this mess as best I can. I feel Lee standing behind me, putting his hand on my shoulder, giving it a little squeeze and --even though I am deeply grateful for his silent show of support-- I hate the relief that flows through me at that small gesture.

Refusing to take comfort in his presence I look around, deliberately meeting each pair of eyes even as I try to identify the perfect target. My eyes land on one of the latest batch of nuggets and for a moment I am tempted to choose her but then I dismiss her as too weak. She is just a kid, she is not even a pilot yet, she doesn't have the crew's respect and that means that singling her out could easily be perceived as a sign of weakness rather than a show of strength. Trying to stare her down wouldn't be enough to get my message across and in that regard it could easily end up doing more harm than good. I need someone with more seniority than that, someone with a higher standing who I can still intimidate so I settle on one of my favorite victims: Constanza. Most of the crew sees him as one of our most veteran pilots but for me he is still little more than a nugget --one of **_my_** nuggets-- and that is just what the doctor ordered.

Actually what the doctor ordered was for me to get my butt down here and the truth is that I am not sure that was such a great idea. I am ridiculously tired and I am itching to go back to bed... or I would be if it weren't because the Galactica is not the smallest of ships and any attempt to go back to bed would entail making it all the way back to sickbay. That is not something I am looking forward to... and it is also another gods damned reminder of just how frakking weak I am.

The distance between sickbay and the mess is one I had never really considered before... in fact I didn't even think about it today when, after he had been 'suggesting it' for a while Cottle flat out told me that I could either start eating at least one of my meals here every day or I could go hungry, now I am wondering if he truly expects me to walk that distance twice a day because right now I don't think I can do it. My gut is killing me and trying to catch my breath while I try to keep everyone from seeing in just how much pain I really am is turning out to be an almost impossible task, not to mention that right now the mere thought of food is enough to make me want to puke so the idea of going hungry is sounding more appealing by the minute.

Yes, I had been taking small walks out of sickbay almost from the start but those were nothing compared to the distance I had to cover in order to come here today and I have to admit that in these past few days even those small walks had all but disappeared. I was doing better, Cottle was no longer pushing the issue and I didn't really feel they were all that necessary any more. Besides being out in the halls on my own, seeing people's almost desperate attempts **_not_** to look at me was not something I particularly enjoyed.

I knew exactly what it was that they were thinking, what they were saying behind my back... I still do, it's not that hard to figure out. There have been a number of suicides and suicide attempts since the attacks so there is nothing new about this situation as far as they are concerned. Hell, I've thought those thoughts and said those things more than once myself but I am having a hard time trying to come to terms with the notion that they are thinking those thoughts and saying those things about me. That is what's different about this. They are thinking that I am the one who couldn't deal, that I am the one who was too frakking weak to take it... and the worst part is that they are right.

They used to see me as a fighter but now they know I am nothing but a quitter... a failure. Now they see me as the screw-up I have always been and there is not a frakking thing I can do to change that.

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: I'm back! After ten fun filled days (NOT!) I am finally back home. As I said last time, sorry about the delay and thank you for sticking with me over these past few months, I really appreciate it!

Alec


	68. Chapter 68

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimer see chapter 1._**

Chapter 68  
(Lee's POV)

I am almost overpowered by the not-so-subtle stares that greet us as soon as we set foot on the mess hall and --seeing how they are not even directed at me-- I really don't want to contemplate how the whole thing feels like for Kara. For a couple of seconds there is an almost total silence and then the voices gradually pick up again but even then they are oddly hushed, controlled. To be in the middle of it is unsettling to say the least and I feel more than a little useless. Yes, I am here for Kara if she needs me but the truth is that there is not much I can do to help her. She has no choice but to face them and she has to do it alone... something I am reminded of when she all but shrugs my hand off her shoulder.

My position here is more than a little frustrating and the whole scene makes me want to scream. I look into the eyes of those around us and I see a whole range of emotions there, from contempt to pity to an odd look of understanding coming from Tigh's single eye out of all places... though, now that I think about it, maybe it is not so odd. Sure, when I first came on board Kara was in hack for 'hitting a superior asshole' and that is one image I am having a hard time trying to let go of but people change, things change and I know it. I am not the same man I was back then and neither is he. Besides if anyone here is likely to have a clue of what kind of hell she went through without being told --if anyone is likely to understand-- it is probably him. He may not be aware of the details of what Kara went through but he probably knows better than anyone else what it meant to be at the cylons' mercy. He was there himself and he has the scars to prove it. Of course, even though the rational part of my mind can understand it, the idea that Tigh is the one most likely to empathize with Kara still seems wrong at some fundamental level. As for the rest of them, they can't even begin to understand why Kara did what she did and I know it is not my place to tell them. That is one of the things that's driving me crazy, that and the knowledge that their ignorance could cause a major setback here... like Sam's did when she first woke up.

He may not have been trying to hurt her, but he did.

Granted, no one else is likely to try to forcibly kiss her and that is definitely an advantage but that is not much comfort. Sam's stupidity may be the most glaring example we have  encountered so far but up until today Kara had been confined to a tightly controlled environment... one in which people knew what the frak it was that they were up against. Out here that is no longer the case and that means that the odds that someone will say or do something that will trigger a memory have skyrocketed. Sure, there has been no evidence of anything as severe as a flashback --at least not that I am aware of-- but that doesn't mean it can't happen and that in turn means that we can't afford to let our guard down.

The damage runs deep, that is undeniable. Kara's been through hell and I don't just mean in these past few months. To say that I am having a hard time trying to wrap my mind around that notion would be an understatement. I have known her for years, I met her long before the holocaust and I can't believe I never noticed... anything. That is something I am still struggling to come to terms with, that and Cottle's words. I keep trying to identify the clues I may have missed along the way even as I try to understand what the world looks like from her perspective but I can't. No matter how I look at it that 'world' just doesn't seem to make sense.

Oh, I know that from a rational perspective what the doctor said fits the facts --it fits them only too well-- the problem is that I am having a hard time trying to remain 'rational' here. I thought I knew Kara, there had been an almost instinctive understanding between us since long before the holocaust to say nothing of an almost uncanny connection from the first time we flew together but now I can see it was nothing but an illusion.

Well, maybe saying that it was 'an illusion' is too much. What I thought we had felt real, it was real --we wouldn't be alive if it hadn't been-- but it was nowhere near the whole story. There has always been a dark side to her, one I was totally oblivious to, and now I am trying to come to terms with it... just like I am trying to come to terms with what it all meant with regard to Zak.

She almost became my sister-in-law once. That has always been part of the bond between us and it is also part of what is bothering me now. I know Zak loved her and up until yesterday I had no reason to doubt that she had loved him just as much. The problem is that that notion is all but incompatible with what the doctor said about how she views sex and love in the first place. Cottle's words explain only too well why she ran on New Caprica and deep down I know he is right... but they also raise a number of disturbing questions, like why **_didn't_** she run when she was with Zak. Did she love him? Up until yesterday I had no reason to doubt that she did, now I do and that is the part I am having a hard time trying to come to terms with... or at least one of them.

Of course, even though my mind keeps being dragged back to Zak, I am also aware that now is not the time for me to be worrying about it. My brother is dead, he has been dead for a very long time and that means that in the grand scheme of things whether Kara loved him or not no longer matters. Right now I have to focus on the present, on Kara and the stares that threaten to overwhelm her as she walks into the mess hall and faces the crew for the first time in what feels like ages.

She has made it this far. That is more than I dared to hope for a few weeks ago and I had hoped that her being here would count as some sort of landmark, that it would mean that the worst was behind her --that it would be a sign that she had truly made it and that we could finally start to relax-- now the fact that this has only just begun and that it will never be completely over is starting to sink in. Yes, odds are that she will recover but, even though in time most of the damage is likely to fade away like an old scar, some of it is bound to stay with her --with us-- for as long as she lives.

**_Author's notes:_** Hi guys, I just wanted to thank you for reading and for your patience (not to mention your reviews which have really kept me going). I am really sorry about the delays that have plagued this story lately, unfortunately RL has been kind of rough. Hopefully it will get a little better in the next few weeks. 

Take care and thanks for sticking with me,

Alec


	69. Chapter 69

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1. For the author's apologies for the delay in posting this chapter, see the author's.**_

Chapter 69  
(Cottle's POV)

I shake my head when I see Starbuck and Apollo return from the mess. She looks exhausted --and more than a little pissed-- though I guess that was pretty much to be expected and he seems to be on the brink of a nervous breakdown... again, no real surprises there. Unfortunately the fact that Apollo's reaction is not surprising doesn't mean it is not a problem.

Oh, I can see where he is coming from. I know he loves her --a frakking blind man could probably see that-- but this is not about love. This is not something he can kiss and make better... and the fact that he is trying to maintain some semblance of control by trying to remain 'rational' about this whole thing is not exactly helping matters either. Sure, I can see where he is coming from, I know his reaction is --in a way-- a logical one, but that in itself is part of the problem because there is nothing 'logical' or 'rational' about having your sense of self methodically destroyed not once but twice. That is not something that can be understood 'from a rational perspective' and yet that is precisely what he keeps trying to do. Yes, I know his attempt at hyper-rationality is mostly a defense mechanism but the thing is that as long as that defense mechanism remains in place he runs the risk of digging himself --and by extension us-- into an even deeper hole. That is not something we can afford and that in turn means I have no choice but to bring it up. That is not something I want to do --far from it-- but if I want to keep this situation from spiralin out of control I don't really have much of a choice.

"We have a problem," I say as soon as he walks out of Starbuck's temporary quarters.

"What is it?"

"You."

"Me?"

"Yes, damn it. You are trying to protect her."

"And that's a bad thing?"

"Yes."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that right now what we have to do is push her and push her hard but you are not doing it."

"Why should I...?"

"Because you may be trying to protect her from the world but that is _**not**_ what she needs so you have no choice but to get over it and the sooner the better. What she has to do now is move forward and reclaim her life and she is not going to do that by hiding in here."

"I know that but going to the mess today was..." he trails off.

"What? Hard? Unpleasant? Awkward? All of the above?" I mock him, hoping for a reaction.

"Yes, damn it!" he growls, glaring at me.

"It may have been awkward and unpleasant but it was still necessary and I think you know it. Let's not kid ourselves here: what she did is going to change how the crew sees her and that is something she is going to have to learn to deal with because it is going to be with her for the rest of her life," I remind him, though I know that deep down he already knows. "It may seem unfair to you based on what you know but it is a consequence of her actions. Now, if she can show them that in spite of everything she is still herself they may eventually move past it but no one can take that first step for her... besides, how the frak do you expect her to move past it when you keep dragging her back?"

"I'm not..."

"Maybe not deliberately, but you are. You keep treating her as if she were broken and that's the last thing she needs," I say, even though I know getting that particular point to sink in is not going to be easy.

"So what, you want me to pretend that nothing's changed, that I don't care about...?"

"Nothing has changed except your perception of her, that is precisely the point. What you are obsessing over, it may have played a major role in defining who she is but it is also something that happened long before you even met her," I insist.

"I know that but I just can't stop thinking about it."

"Believe it or not, I get that but that doesn't mean you can afford it, not now," I remind him. "This is not a situation that can be put on hold indefinitely while you wrap your mind around it. I know you want to be there for her but if you want to do it in a way that actually benefits _**her**_ the first thing you are going to have to do is get over your shock because right now the only thing your attitude is likely to accomplish is to confirm her worst fears."

"What fears?"

"That she is alone, that you think less of her because of what she told you."

"That's crazy!"

"Is it? Try to put yourself in her place and see it from her perspective for a moment. You may be itching to shield her from the world but do you honestly believe that Starbuck needs you to fight her battles for her?" I ask, hoping that the use of her callsign will help him understand.

"No, but..."

"I don't expect you to stop thinking about it and neither does she, not really. I get it that you are having a hard time trying to come to terms with everything you have learned in the past couple of days but, let's face it, coming to terms with it is your problem --not hers-- and right now the last thing that girl needs is for you to be burdening her with _**your**_ problems."

"So what the frak am I supposed to do?"

"Just let her know that you are there for her and that you are not going to judge her or think less of her no matter what she tells you --which is pretty much what you are doing-- but at the same time you should probably keep in mind that what we have here is unlikely to be the whole picture."

"What more could there possibly be?" he asks, with more than a hint of dread in his voice.

"Well, I think right now we have a fairly good idea of what it is that we are up against, at least in general terms. That's the good news. The bad news is that I seriously doubt that the generalities are what's keeping her awake at night and in that regard we are still fuzzy on the details," I say, not wanting to mention the fact that even though Apollo knows what we are dealing with, I am far from convinced that he understands what it all means --what it really entails-- a situation that is made even more troubling by the fact that he is the one most likely to be with her if and when any new revelations come along and that the most I can do about that is pray that he can handle them. That is not exactly reassuring, especially not considering that he failed to recognize 'Jonas's' relevance the first time around but one of the things I've learned since the colonies were destroyed is precisely that I don't get to choose the resources I have available to me. I have to make do with what I have and whether I like it or not --whether I think he is up to it or not-- this time around Apollo just happens to be one of those resources.

* * *

_**Author's notes:**_ Hi guys okay first of all, I am terribly sorry for how long it took me to get this chapter posted. I am also incredibly grateful for the fact that you are still here, unfortunately life has been absolutely crazy lately. The good news is that things seem to be going back to some semblance of normalcy (either that or I've finally gotten used to the fact that things are completely abnormal and I no longer care). I can't promise I'll go back to weekly updates, that wouldn't be realistic, but I will try for at least once every two weeks.

Take care and sorry again,

Alec


	70. Chapter 70

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 70  
(Lee's POV)

I keep going over Cottle's words as I head for the CIC, feeling as if I were being pulled in a hundred different directions. Granted, what the doc said about me holding Kara back got to me but there is more to it than that. Yes, I want to protect her but I am aware of the fact that there is very little I can do here... and I sure as hell know that Starbuck doesn't need me to fight her battles for her. The problem is that there is also no denying that --in spite of the doctor's words-- something _**has**_ changed. What she went through with Jonas may be old news as far as she is concerned but she is _**not**_ acting like herself and that scares the crap out of me. Yes, I know that what she's been through is something I can't even begin to comprehend, I know things will never go back to 'the way they were'... or at least the rational part of my mind knows it. I could spend the next fifty years shooting cylons out of the sky but that wouldn't change a frakking thing. I could kill a million Leobens but that still wouldn't make one lick of difference, not where it matters, as for Jonas... the bastard is dead so there's nothing I can do about that one either. Where does that leave me? I don't know and that is killing me.

Oh, I know what I want to do, what I need to do. I want to protect her. I want to keep her safe but the damage is done and there is nothing I can do to fix this mess but at the same time I can't force myself to let it go. This is Kara we are talking about, damn it, and I wish I could at least figure out what the frak is going on in that thick head of hers. Of course, I also know that is never going to happen.

Yes, I know Cottle had a point when he told me that chances are that the generalities are _**not**_ what's keeping her awake at night and that we need more information if we are to have any hope at all of figuring out where we stand here but even there I am torn. There is a part of me that is trying desperately not to think of what those details might entail while another one keeps trying to fill in the blanks with images that get more and more horrifying by the minute... especially when it comes to Jonas.

That is the aspect that is giving me the most trouble right now.

I may have forced myself to accept what Leoben did to her but this is different. After all, on New Caprica Kara was not just an adult but also soldier and a prisoner in the middle of a brutal war. That doesn't mean that what that gods-damned skinjob did to her doesn't bother me but at least it is something I can understand, with Jonas she was ten frakking years old... and on top of that there is also the fact that Leoben was a cylon but Jonas was human... at least from a biological perspective and --even though I had seen plenty of evidence to the contrary-- over the past couple of years my whole outlook had, for the most part, been reduced to something along the lines of 'humans good, cylons bad' but where does that leave men like Jonas? He was a monster, there is no question about that in my mind, but he was also a man and that in itself is the problem. I didn't use to be this naive but I had allowed myself to forget... or at least to look the other way.

It is ironic to realize that war does that to you. I had allowed myself to see the world in black and white and to look away from human evil but I can't do that any longer. How many 'Jonases' are there in the fleet? I don't know, chances are that the answer to that particular question is 'more than a few', but I never really allowed myself to stop and think about that. I couldn't afford it. I just did what I had to do, risking my life --and that of my pilots-- time and time again to keep the fleet safe because humans were good and cylons were bad... or at least that was the theory.

Of course in the end this whole thing is not about some abstract concept of good and evil. It is about Kara and in that regard I am still trying to come to terms with some of the other things Cottle mentioned, like the fact that what happened with Jonas happened long before I even met her... and that it almost certainly played a major role in shaping who she has become. Yes, I know that is obvious but at the same time I can't stop myself from trying to figure out who she would have been if her mother had never met him, if someone --anyone-- had been there to keep her safe. That is the part where things get complicated because, as much as I may not want to admit it --as much as I would like to cling to some idyllic image that would have us living some sort of perfect life if only that bastard had never entered the picture-- the truth is that chances are that if it hadn't been for him she wouldn't be here.

Oh, I know that sounds crazy --and more than a little melodramatic-- but the odds of anyone surviving the initial attacks were close to zero and I know it. In a single day our population went from tens of billions to a mere fifty thousand and that means that even the smallest change would almost certainly have been fatal. Let's face it, something as trivial as Kara _**not**_ hitting Tigh on that particular day would have resulted in her going out with her squad in a shiny new viper and she would have been blown out of the sky almost immediately, no amount of skill could have saved her then and that is just a very minor example. Something more relevant, like her being a little less defiant or having a tad more respect for authority would probably have prevented her from disregarding every gods-damned rule in the book --and a few no-one ever thought to write into it-- by getting involved with one of her nuggets... or at least it might have kept her from passing him when she should have failed him. If that had been the case she would never have been assigned to the Galactica... in fact, chances are that without Zak I never would have met her.

That is not a pleasant thought. There are a million might have beens that keep running through my mind but in the end they all lead to a single outcome: Kara's death... and that leaves me no choice but to face a question I have been desperately trying to avoid: was it worth it? That is the one that is giving me the most trouble because while nothing can possibly make the hell she went through back then seem 'acceptable' to me, the alternative is not one I care to contemplate.

* * *

_**Author's notes: **_Hi guys, first of all, thank you for reading (and reviewing). I also wanted to take this opportunity to explain a couple of things about this chapter, like the fact that I wrote two versions of it. The first one was true to cannon but that one felt too convoluted because it included a few issues that were not relevant to this story and I already had too many thing bouncing around Lee's head, the second pretended that the episode _Black Market_ never happened and, seeing how I don't really like that episode all that much to begin with, I decided to go with version two. Anyway, I hope that explains why some aspects of this thing don't quite fit with some of the things we've seen on screen.

Take care and thanks for reading,

Alec


	71. Chapter 71

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 71  
(Adama's POV)

'This is going to be a very long shift,' I think to myself as I see Lee and Dee's deliberate attempts at maintaining their professionalism here while the rest of the crew bends over backwards to keep from triggering some sort of confrontation between them. Of course, I know that rearranging everyone's schedule just to keep them from sharing a shift is not a viable option but that doesn't make the situation any less awkward and that in turn leaves me longing for the good old days when the frat regulations could actually be enforced.

Yes, I understand why those regulations had to be abandoned. I know they were a luxury we could no longer afford and I realize that trying to keep my people from 'fraternizing' in a world in which nothing but these ships remains would not only have been an exercise in futility but also that any attempt at enforcing those guidelines would have resulted in them having to choose between their duty and their hope of reclaiming some semblance of a normal life. With no reinforcements coming --and with the added burden that, because of the Galactica's imminent decommissioning, when the attacks happened we were already operating with a skeleton crew-- desertions were something we could not afford. Unfortunately the fact that the frat regulations are no longer viable doesn't mean that the reasons behind their existence have suddenly ceased to be valid and what we have here is a perfect example of that fact. Sure, it is apparent that both Lee and Dee are trying hard to work together but in spite of that these shifts in which they are both here in the CIC are awkward and exhausting... and not just for the two of them.

Gossip has always been a hallmark of life on a battlestar, the end of the worlds didn't change that, and in this particular instance almost everyone seems to have an opinion on the matter and that in turn has led to more than a couple of arguments... especially here. The pilots are firmly behind Lee --or rather behind Starbuck and Apollo-- and the same goes for most of the deck crew but the CIC is Dee's domain... though even here her support is far from unanimous.

Yes, there are those who feel that Lee's treatment of Dee was shameful to say the least --and the fact that as soon as he left her he all but moved in with Kara doesn't do much to help his case as far as they are concerned-- but there are others who are convinced that Dee was trying to 'sleep her way to the top' and therefore they feel that she deserved everything she got. As for me... well, I don't think it was anything as deliberate as that but I am not deluded enough to think that she loved my son either. I think what she craved was a sense of safety and what she saw in Lee was a man in a position of authority who could fulfill that particular need so she latched on to him with a vengeance... just as she had latched on to Billy before that. I can understand her reasons but at the same time... well, at the same time Lee is my son. I want to see him happy. As a father that is one of my top priorities and in that regard I won't even pretend to be impartial here.

Of course, the fact that I am not impartial doesn't mean I am blind to my son's faults nor does it mean that I condone Lee's behavior, far from it. After all, I know this situation wasn't caused just by Dee using Lee, it was caused by Lee and Dee using each other. That is why I find it so hard to condemn her.

Even if their marriage was a mistake, I have to admit that it was Lee's mistake as much as it was Dee's, maybe even more so. He was the one who proposed to her in the first place and he did it for all the wrong reasons. I suspected even then that Kara's marriage was the cause and Lee's was the consequence but seeing how my son is a grown man I figured it wasn't my place to say anything. Now I am regretting that decision and wondering what might have been, wondering if there was anything I could have done to prevent this.

Yes, on a rational level I know that engaging in a game of 'what if' is not going to get me anywhere --not to mention that I suspect that quite a few pieces are still missing here, that there is more to this story than I have been told-- but at the same time I can't help it. They are my children and there's no denying that they love each other and that brings me to the question of what would have happened if Kara hadn't married Sam, if Lee hadn't married Dee. Would that really have helped or would that have led to an even bigger mess in the long run? I don't know. Oh, it would be so easy to pretend that 'if only those two marriages had been prevented we would all have lived happily ever after' but deep down I know it's not that frakking simple.

Granted, if Lee and Kara had been together during the whole New Caprica fiasco chances are that they would have stayed on the Pegasus --I can't imagine Lee deserting his first command no matter what-- and if that had been the case then Kara would have remained safely out of Leoben's reach... and that in turn would almost certainly have spared us the hell of these past few weeks, especially those first few days when we didn't even know if she was going to live or die. The problem with that scenario is that it is only because of the events of these past few weeks that we have learned that Leoben was just the tip of the iceberg, that Jonas was always there, lurking in the background... and that is precisely where all those idyllic 'what ifs' lose some of their luster.

I know Kara well enough to realize that she would never have brought her past up, not willingly. In fact we learned about Jonas almost by accident... and that means that if those marriages had been prevented --if Kara had been 'kept safe on the Pegasus'-- chances are that Lee would have found himself walking straight into an ambush because the ghosts from Kara's past would have come back to haunt them sooner or later. In a way that is what happened with Sam when she first woke up. He wasn't trying to hurt her, he was just relieved to see that his wife was awake, but he didn't know what it was that he was dealing with and as a result he ended up doing just that. The realization that that could just as easily have been Lee is not a comforting one... especially not considering what the consequences of something like that would have been for the fleet at large.

Oh, I know I may be taking my game of 'what if' a little too far here but the truth is that, as awkward as this whole situation between Lee and Dee has been, it is nothing compared to the meltdown that would almost certainly have resulted from a failed relationship between Starbuck and Apollo. The problem is that while for the time being the consequences of such a failure remain a hypothetical question, I suspect that this thing between Lee and Kara moved past the point of no return a long time ago and that means that the possibility of something like that happening in the future is not one I can afford to ignore.

Sure, if any good has come out of this whole mess it is precisely that at least now Lee knows what he is up against and that means that he _**does**_ have a fighting chance... but I also know that a fighting chance is no guarantee and I am not naive enough to think that love conquers all. I know the odds are still stacked against them, I know the damage runs deep, I know the ghosts from Kara's past are not going to vanish just because we are aware of their existence and I also know that my son is bringing more than his share of baggage into this thing. That means that the outcome of this is far from certain... and that is a problem because this is the one instance in which a breach of the frat regulations could easily end up tearing the whole air group apart and to say that that is not something we can afford would be an understatement. The problem is that I'm not sure it can be prevented either. Right now both the pilots and the deck crew are firmly behind 'Starbuck and Apollo' but I don't even want to contemplate what the outcome would be if those same pilots were to have to choose between them.


	72. Chapter 72

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 72  
(Kara's POV)

I fight the urge to close my eyes, torn between exhaustion and fear.

Yes, I know it is stupid but --even with the constant hum of the Galactica's powerful engines in the background to reassure me-- I still don't want to fall asleep.

Oh, I know I can't avoid it, I know that in the long run exhaustion is going to win out no matter what I do but I still can't bring myself to let go... not willingly. Hell, the rational part of my mind even knows I should probably take advantage of the fact that I am alone now, that Lee has a shift and that for once I don't have to worry about the possibility of saying more than I should but at the same time... at the same time I know what's waiting for me on the other side and I sure as hell don't want to face it. I don't want to dream, gods damn it, I don't want my mind to drag me back to that hellhole but I know that is something I can't control.

The problem is that while I keep trying to convince myself that I am safe, that I made it, as soon as I close my eyes I am reminded of the fact that it is all an illusion, that a part of me is still stuck in New Caprica and probably will always be.

Yes, I know that in time these nightmares will lose some of their urgency but they will never go away, not completely. I know that fifteen years from now I will still be waking up in the middle of the night feeling Leoben's hands all over my body, feeling him moving inside me... like I still feel Jonas sometimes. It won't be every night --not like it is now-- but I know that even then I will still be waking up feeling literally sick and I will still be praying that when that happens those around me will dismiss my puking as nothing more than a hangover.

Of course, in the short term that is not likely to happen... not considering that Cottle is still refusing to allow me to drink and that Lee seems to be determined to play by the doc's rules. That means that, if I were to lose control now, the hangover excuse wouldn't get me anywhere. That is something I have to watch out for... or maybe I should just smuggle some of the Chief's brew in here and damn the consequences.

I need a drink, gods damn it, but there's no way they'll understand. Frak, there's no way I could possibly bring myself to even begin to explain. I mean what the frak am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to tell them that without some alcohol in my system I am too much of a coward to close my eyes, that I need it to gather the courage to even _**try**_ to sleep... and that that's not exactly a new development? That would sure as hell go a long way toward convincing them that I'm just fine and to get them to quit hovering over me... especially Lee.

He is my most immediate concern --or rather the most imminent threat-- so he is the one I have to focus on first, not that there's much I can do about it... not seeing how --whether I want him here or not-- Lee has essentially moved in with me.

Oh, it's not that I don't appreciate the fact that he seems to have forgiven me for what I did back on New Caprica. Hell, I know it's a lot more than I deserved and I'm incredibly grateful for it but at the same time he is smothering me. I mean this was supposed to be a private room and even though under normal circumstances I wouldn't mind sharing, the fact that Lee is ignoring even the most basic rules of bunk room etiquette is driving me crazy. Of course, seeing how this is not really a bunk room the fact that 'bunk room etiquette' does not seem to apply probably shouldn't come as much of a surprise.

I mean, if nothing else at least back in the pilots' quarters I had a privacy curtain I could close whenever I wanted to shut out the world. It wasn't much --it was mostly an illusion of privacy and I knew it-- but it was something... not to mention that one of the first things everyone learns to do when living in such close quarters is _**not**_ to look at what their neighbors are doing. In a bunk room a closed curtain is sacred and everyone knows it but in here there are no such boundaries. I feel as if I were on display 24/7 and I hate that.

I hate the fact that I have to keep pretending, I hate the fact that I have to watch my every move and my every word for fear of saying more than I should.

Hell, Lee has even taken to watching me sleep, for frak's sake, just like Leoben used to do and that is really creeping me out but I know him well enough to realize that any attempt at telling him to back the hell off would only cause him to look even harder and that is not a risk I can afford to take, not when I can see that he has a million questions he is itching to ask... questions I'd just as soon _**not**_ answer.

Granted, after the other day's revelations I no longer have to worry about him figuring out just how pathetic I really am --he already knows that-- but that is not much comfort and that brings me back to the fact that if I want to get some sleep I should probably do it now while he is _**not**_ here. The problem is that that would still require me to close my eyes and I can't bring myself to do it, not willingly... not even as I feel myself losing the battle to stay awake.


	73. Chapter 73

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 73  
(Cottle's POV)

I'm waiting for the inevitable fireworks to begin with something that could almost be described as glee... in fact I am even considering the possibility of setting them off myself. Yes, I know that is not the most professional of attitudes given the circumstances, and I certainly know I shouldn't be looking forward to it, but quality entertainment is hard to come by these days and seeing how --whether I enjoy it or not-- this is going to happen, I figure I might as well take advantage of the opportunity and enjoy the show... besides, given what's at stake, I would much rather have a controlled explosion than an uncontrolled one to contend with.

I mean, one way or another Starbuck and Apollo are going to have to talk this thing through and --even though I know both of them would rather have no witnesses when they do-- someone is going to have to be there to at least try to contain the damage. The stakes are just too high to leave the outcome of that confrontation to chance. It may seem crazy, it may even seem like the resources that have already been poured into keeping Starbuck alive when we have so few of them to begin with have been excessive, but the truth is that there is a lot more at stake here than the life of a single pilot. In fact it wouldn't be too much of an exaggeration to say that the fleet's survival hinges on that girl.

We can't afford to lose Starbuck... not without risking a chain reaction that could easily tear us apart.

Simply put, if we were to lose that girl now I suspect Apollo would follow soon and losing the two of them --or maybe even losing one of them-- would almost certainly kill the Old Man. The thing is that this fleet _**needs**_ Bill Adama at its helm, there is no-one I can see taking his place... especially not if Starbuck and Apollo are out of the picture by that time.

Granted, the fleet is more than just the military. There is also a civilian side to this equation but even if the civilian government could theoretically survive a collapse of the military, I doubt Roslin would survive losing Bill --neither physically nor politically-- and we have a frakking terrorist as our vice president. That may be a step up from Baltar but I don't think the fleet can afford to have Zarek as acting president and that means that if we are to survive we need Laura Roslin as our president, we need the Old Man at the helm of the Galactica and we need Starbuck and Apollo to clear the air between them once and for all.

That is were things get complicated because in order to do _**that**_ Starbuck is going to have to come to terms with a past I suspect she's been desperately trying to leave behind for a very long time and Apollo is going to have to wrap his mind around whatever it is that she is still keeping from him and he is going to have to do it quickly. Knowing them like I do, I can't really picture either of them doing that... at least not without a considerable amount of prodding and more than a little help.

It's hard to believe but it's only been two weeks since Apollo first mentioned the name 'Jonas' to us... it sure as hell seems longer than that. The problem is that in that time the tension has done nothing but build up. In fact I hadn't expected things to drag on for anywhere near this long but then again we are talking Starbuck here and that girl is too damn stubborn for her own good... or maybe not, after all that's what's kept her alive against all odds. The problem is that the longer she manages to hold on here, the more the pressure builds and the more the pressure builds, the worse the resulting explosion is likely to be... which is precisely why I am seriously considering the possibility of setting that explosion off myself. Honestly, how can two people be so in synch when flying and so completely out of it on the ground?

Oh, I know Apollo is trying hard to do the right thing, I know he doesn't want to add to everything Thrace is already dealing with by pushing it and if he were dealing with someone other than Starbuck maybe that _**wouldn't**_ be a recipe for disaster but he should know her well enough by now to realize that in this particular instance trying to protect her is just not going to cut it.

Yes, that girl was pushed past the braking point and then some by everything she went through on New Caprica and she did something incredibly stupid as a result --a fact that led to our current situation-- but that is no longer my main concern... not when we have a much bigger mess to contend with.

Starbuck may have been damaged by Leoben but she was shaped by Jonas long before that damned skinjob came along and, to make matters worse, Apollo seems to have fixated on 'fixing her' even though she is not broken. Dented, maybe, broken, no... but at the same time I can't tell him that because this is something he _**has**_ to do. We all need something we can accomplish, something we can fix that enables us to reclaim a small measure of control over our own lives after everything we've lost and that is not something I can take away from him.

The problem is that right now that boy's 'project' has grown beyond anything he can possibly be expected to manage and as a result he is feeling so out of his depth that he is paralyzed for fear of making matters worse and --even though I can understand the urge to protect her and treat her as if she were made of china-- the fact remains that we are still talking Starbuck here and Starbuck doesn't do delicate, she does nuclear explosions. That is something Apollo should know by now, gods damn it! He sure as hell has been on the receiving end of her temper often enough but then again he is young and --even though he can usually be counted on to be the rational one-- when it comes to that girl he doesn't do his thinking with his head... not with the one on his shoulders anyway.

That thought brings me back to our current situation with its inevitable fireworks but then again I also know that he is probably the only one who could hope to get through to her right now, as for the inevitable shouting match that is coming our way, well, let's just call it a frakking bonus.


	74. Chapter 74

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 74  
(Adama's POV)

I'm trying to see if there's some way I can get Cottle's words to mean something other than what I know them to mean but it's no use. Oh, I know he does have a point but at the same time, well, at the same time I don't think I'm ready to tackle this one... I don't think I'll ever be ready.

"Let me get this straight, you want us to confront Starbuck **_again_**?"

"And to get to the bottom of this once and for all," he adds.

"She's going to fight us," I say, pointing out the obvious.

"True, but it still has to be done."

"Are you sure she is ready?" I insist, still not willing to take any chances... not considering what the stakes are. I made that mistake the last time around, I pushed too hard too soon and I almost lost her as a result. That is not an experience I care to repeat.

"As ready as she's ever going to be," says Cottle with a shrug. "We need to know what we are dealing with here. So far we've been working based on three things: what little she's told us, what we can extrapolate from her behavior and some basic psychology but that is not going to be enough, not in the long run. We need to know what it was that Leoben did to her, what it was that Jonas did and --most of all -- we need to know how she sees the whole thing. That is the big unknown though I may as well tell you that, based on what I've seen so far, I don't think you are going to like what we are going to find. Unfortunately how she feels about it is not something we can come out and ask her about... not if we want an honest answer. That means we are going to have to approach the whole thing in a roundabout way."

"But Kara..." I begin but he interrupts me.

"Is not going to break and we really need some answers if we are to have any hope at all of moving forward here because, let's face it, right now we seem to be stuck on some sort of plateau," he finishes for me before adding. "Your son --who was supposed to be part of the solution-- has become a big part of the problem instead and each new revelation is causing him to dig himself into an even deeper hole. Right now we have to get him to stop digging but he is not going to do that until everything is out in the open because he keeps freaking out with each and every new revelation."

"Somehow I don't think Kara is going to tell us absolutely everything," I point out, secretly relieved by that fact.

"True, but as long as we can get her to tell us the worst of it, that shouldn't make too much of a difference. Besides, even if your son weren't a problem, this is still something that has to be done and this is our best bet. Right now Starbuck is strong enough to take some heat but not strong enough to fight us, or at least not too hard. That means that for the time being we have the advantage but it also means that we should make our move now because our window of opportunity is small and closing fast."

"In other words, you intend to exploit her weakness," I say, feeling utterly disgusted.

"If that's what it takes."

"You are not playing fair."

"And that's supposed to be news somehow?" he snorts and I can help but to glare at him.

"This is not a joke, gods damn it!" I growl.

"Good, because I'm not laughing. Listen, Bill, I know you want to protect her and I understand your reluctance to approach this as if it were a battle but in a way that's what it is. This is something that has to be done and you know that giving the enemy time to regroup is not the soundest of strategies."

"Kara is not 'the enemy'," I remind him.

"She might as well be. We may be on her side but that doesn't mean she's going to cooperate and we can't afford to lose. Besides this is not just about what's the best strategy from our perspective, there are other things that also have to be taken into account, like the fact that I suspect that one of the things that's bothering her the most is that she is terrified of what is going to happen once whatever it is she **_isn't_** telling us comes out. She may not particularly care what I think of her but you and your son are a different matter and I am fairly certain that at some level she is still convinced that once the 'truth' comes out you are both going to turn from her in disgust ."

"That's crazy!"

"From your perspective, maybe, but not from hers and that means she is going to fight us with everything she's got. You have to understand that chances are that the need to keep this aspect of her past a secret is something that is deeply ingrained into her psyche. I suspect she sees what happened to her as a sign of weakness and she has spent her entire adult life creating an image that is geared specifically toward concealing that 'weakness' and now she is going to have to give up that image... she is going to have to renounce 'Starbuck'. That is going to be hard enough for her and, no matter what we do, I can't really predict what the full extent of the fallout of that one is going to be."

"But even if that fallout does turn out to be somewhat unpredictable, we should still be able to contain it once she realizes that her fears are unfounded," I insist.

"You are not that naive, Bill. We may have the best intentions but this is still going to take some getting used to for everyone involved and at the very least that is going to lead to some perceived, short-term changes, there's no way around that... or around the fact that Starbuck is going to be hypersensitive to those changes and blow them completely out of proportion. Add to that the fact that we are going to have to force her to confront some things she has probably been trying to keep fenced in for a very long time and that physically she is still far from one hundred percent and the end result is that we might as well think of this as taking a nice evening stroll through a mine field."

"In other words, this is going to get nasty."

"To say nothing of how easily it could blow up in our faces."

"And knowing that you still want us to do this?" I growl.

"No but it still has to be done. We can't afford to keep getting ambushed by her past, taking one step forward and two steps back... and the sooner we get this over with, the better. Besides, as unpleasant as this whole thing is bound to be, I don't see how forcing her to go over this in bits and pieces as each new revelation surfaces is going to make this any easier."

"No, but..." I trail off.

"But what?"

"I don't know," I admit, still deeply worried about the step we are about to take but not quite knowing how to put my concerns into words.


	75. Chapter 75

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1._**

Chapter 75  
(Cottle's POV)

I'm watching Starbuck pace the room, wondering if it is not too late. After all the last time we confronted her she was still pretty much bedridden, now she is clearly mobile... in fact she reminds me of a caged animal. Oh, I know that's a good thing, at least from a medical perspective, the problem is that so far her physical recovery has outpaced her psychological one and that does complicate matters.

Physically she is doing better, psychologically she is still a mess but then again --seeing how she's been a mess all along-- that probably shouldn't count. Unfortunately that is not the whole story. There is also the small detail of why we are doing this in the first place. That's the part I'm having a hard time trying to come to terms with. Yes, there is no turning back and there are a few things we need to know if we are ever to move forward here but the key to that statement is that there are a few things **_we_** need to know... and this is not supposed to be about us.

That is a point I've made to both Adamas more than once... and yet here we are. Of course, it is not that simple.

Even if we are not really doing this for Starbuck's benefit --at least not for the time being-- I do believe that in the long run this **_will_** help her... or at least it will keep this whole thing from coming back to bite her on the ass when she can least afford it. That is the key. Even if she'd rather not talk about it, half truths rarely stay that way. Sooner or later they become whole truths and if I've learned anything in these past couple of weeks it is precisely that we don't want her to be alone with Apollo when that happens.

Sure, the boy loves her, he wants to help her and he means well --that much is obvious-- but that doesn't mean he is not going to screw this up royally if left to his own devices. Her past is something he is unable --or rather unwilling-- to understand. That is the only thing I can think of to explain how he could possibly have missed Jonas's relevance the first time around.

I mean, I know that back when we had such a thing as a War College some basic psychology was part of its curriculum and the signs were clearly there so Apollo's failure to recognize the obvious can't be blamed on mere ignorance. That leaves denial as the most reasonable explanation for his sudden bout of stupidity... and when it comes to that kind of stupidity I have to say that I'd rather do without a repeat performance... though in that regard I also have no choice but to acknowledge that he wasn't the only one who missed what should have been damned obvious. Yes, I wasn't there the first time Jonas's name came up but that doesn't mean the signs weren't there from the moment she was first transferred to the Galactica and --even though I usually try to stay out of my patients private lives-- as a doctor I should have at least suspected something like this a long time ago.

Well, there's nothing I can do to change that and I can only hope we won't be caught off guard again, especially because I don't think Apollo is the only one who is struggling to come to terms with this whole mess. His father may know enough to know what **_not_** to say but deep down I suspect he is not doing much better.

Hell, I'm nowhere near as close to that girl as the two of them but I'm still having a hard time with this one. I mean, the image of Starbuck refusing to meet our eyes and whispering that 'it hurt' is not one I am likely to forget any time soon... and I know that --at least in the short term-- things are only going to get worse. That's why we are here.

The question is how do we go from here to there, how do we make them worse, because the truth is that the silence is starting to get on my nerves.

Oh, I know what the standard procedure should be. Under normal circumstances I would just wait for Apollo to open his mouth and let nature take its course. It's a system that has worked well for me before but today he is not cooperating and I do understand. Listening to what she told us the last time around wasn't exactly my idea of fun either and chances are that today is going to be even worse.

Yes, we have a better idea of what it is we are dealing with this time around --of course, seeing how the last time around at least the younger Adama was still clinging to the hope that this whole thing would turn out to be a mistake, that doesn't really mean much-- but I suspect that that's precisely why he is so reluctant to make the first move and I don't know how much longer we can afford to wait. Starbuck is getting increasingly frustrated and she is not the only one. That means I am going to have to take a more active role than I would have preferred.

After watching her pace for a couple more minutes I decide that I've had enough.

"Sit," I growl and, after hesitating for a moment, she does... though not without glaring at me first.

"We need to talk," I say, knowing that I'm walking a fine line here, especially because this is not something I can order her to do. Yes, military discipline says we have a right to force the issue but this is not a military matter and allowing her to hide behind a facade of military discipline would only serve to complicate matters because in the end this is supposed to be about trust and that trust is going to have to be earned the hard way.


	76. Chapter 76

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1._**

Chapter 76  
(Lee's POV)

'Oh shit,' I think to myself, looking into Kara's eyes and trying hard not to cringe. I've been on the receiving end of that particular look often enough to know **_exactly_** what it means: Kara is not happy and she is more than willing to share the misery... of course, given the circumstances, I can't say that I blame her. Yes, I know where my dad and Cottle are coming from, I know what they are hoping to accomplish but at the same time... well, at the same time the fact remains that they **_haven't_** had a front-row seat to Kara's nightmares these past few weeks --not like I have-- and I am still not sure this is the best approach.

I don't think we should be pushing this --not now and certainly not this hard-- but my gut tells me that there's more to this than that. There is something else that is going on here, something that's not right, even though I can't quite put my finger on what it is. I am still trying to figure that one out when I hear Kara's reply.

"You want to talk, fine, I'm listening," she growls and I have to fight to keep a smile off my face. Yes, that's my girl and I know there's no way she is going to make this any easier for us than it absolutely has to be.

"Is that the way you want to play this?" asks Cottle with a smirk, looking almost amused by her defiance.

"It is," she says, nodding her head though I can see that she is fighting her fear... and something about that and about the way in which she is clenching her fists bothers me. No, I wasn't expecting her to be happy about this --nowhere near it-- but I wasn't expecting her to be scared either.

"Fine, if that's how you want it, we'll do this the hard way," says the doc, meeting her challenge. At first glance things seem to be going pretty much according to plan, in fact it is almost as if they were both reading from the same script, but there is something in Kara's eyes that's still bothering me. There is something in them that goes well beyond the usual posturing... a despair that doesn't quite fit with her apparent bravado.

I know this is not the first time we've done this --far from it-- and even though so far this scene seems to be progressing along the same lines as those previous instances, there are some important differences, like the fact that Cottle is determined to get to the bottom of this so he is not going to back down, or the fact that, even though Kara has tried to fight us before, up until now she was nowhere near strong enough to push back, now she is. That is not a combination that should be taken lightly and --even though on a rational level I know Cottle has a point when he says that we need some answers so sooner or later we are going to have to do this and that we wouldn't be doing Kara any favors by putting this off for much longer-- I am still far from convinced that turning this into a confrontation is the way to go. Of course, that doesn't mean I can think of a viable alternative and that's a problem.

I am still trying to figure out exactly what it is that feels off with this whole situation when all of a sudden the realization hits me like a ton of bricks.

It may have taken me a while to put two and two together but I finally know what's been bothering me all along, I know what it is that my instincts have been screaming at me from the moment I walked into this room. I know what the problem is now but I also know it is too late. Things have already been set in motion and there's no way I can't stop this. Hell, I can't even warn Cottle and my dad that we are going about this the wrong way... not with Kara sitting here. In fact there's nothing I can do but watch the scene that is unfolding in front of me with a new understanding and a growing sense of horror.

I remember the first time we did something like this a few days after she first woke up, I remember what she told us and I find myself wondering how we could possibly have been this stupid, how could we possibly have missed the fact that what we were about to do was basically the same thing Leoben had done. 'We can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way', that's basically what Cottle told her. Some choice we are giving her. How is that different from that frakking skinjob telling her that she could choose to share a bed with him or not when they both knew that in the end her choice didn't really matter, that either way she was still at his mercy, that he could --and would-- do whatever he wanted with her whenever he wanted and that there wasn't a frakking thing she could do about it. That wasn't a choice and neither is this, gods damn it. 'We can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way'... hell, those words could just as well have come straight out of Leoben's mouth and --just like Leoben-- Cottle is determined to do whatever it takes to back those words up. That is not a pleasant realization but it is one I am going to have to come to terms with because the lines are drawn and Kara has picked her side. That means that --even if I would rather try to keep this from spiraling out of control-- chances are that sooner or later I will have no choice but to pick mine.


	77. Chapter 77

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**_ (and for the author's apologies about the ridiculously long delay go to the end of this chapter)_

Chapter 77  
(Cottle's POV)

"Fair enough then, on New Caprica how often were you raped?" I ask, not that it matters but I know that if I want to take control of this conversation nothing short of a full frontal assault will do. Besides, we can't afford to keep dancing around the words or arguing over Starbuck's rather skewed definition of consent so we might as well get those obstacles out of the way right from the start.

"Excuse me!" exclaims Starbuck.

"You want me to repeat that question?" I insist, ignoring the horrified looks both Adamas are throwing my way.

"No, I... I don't know... I..." she stutters, obviously taken aback.

"It doesn't have to be an exact figure."

"I don't know, on average I guess it might have added up to something like two or three times a day... maybe a little more than that... at least from the moment Leoben took over," she says with a shrug, making a deliberate effort to regain her composure.

"And before that?" I ask in a somewhat gentler voice, knowing that I have to tread carefully because while up until now our attention has been focused mostly on Leoben, the weeks leading up to that point remain something of an unknown quantity.

"Before that I was a frakking lab rat," she growls.

"A lab rat?" I repeat.

"Simon, he... Leoben, at least Leoben wanted something from **_me_** but Simon... for Simon I was just this **_thing_**. He would come in and run whatever tests he wanted. He would tie me down and inject me with the gods know what. He would spend hours poking and prodding me but at the same time he never even acknowledged that I was there. I could scream, plead or remain silent, it didn't matter and..."

"And what?"

"And, as stupid as it sounds, he wouldn't even talk to me. In all the time I was there he didn't say a frakking word," she whispers.

"And that bothered you."

"Hell yes," she says before explaining. "He was doing all these **_things_** to me and I didn't understand any of them. I never knew what to expect next. When he tied me to that damned table I didn't know if I was going to be there for a couple of minutes or for several hours, I didn't know if what was coming was going to hurt. He never said anything and the only thing I could do was to try to endure."

"And when Simon wasn't there?" I ask, trying to keep her from drowning in those memories.

"The rest of the time they left me pretty much alone. There was a centurion there with me at all times, another one that brought me my meals... and two more that came with Simon to help restrain me but that was about it."

"And that went on for three weeks?" I ask, even as I try to imagine what that kind of treatment did to her. Up until now I really hadn't given much though to the extent of the damage done by that particular skinjob. I had assumed that the mind games had been mostly Leoben's domain but now I realize that it was nowhere near that straight forward.

What Simon put her through in those first three weeks amounted to a deliberate process of dehumanization, one that left her far more vulnerable to Leoben's advances than she would otherwise have been. It was a carefully orchestrated maneuver, that much is obvious, though I probably shouldn't be surprised by that fact. The cylons are machines and they approached this whole thing with a mechanical precision. Nothing was left to chance and it was nowhere near as straight forward as I had originally believed. That is one of the things that are bothering me. At first I thought we were up against one main villain --Leoben--, and then a seemingly unrelated one was added in the form of Jonas but now I realize that there have always been four of them... five if we add Starbuck's own name to that list.

Sure, Simon, Leoben and Jonas did a lot of damage and they certainly contributed to this whole mess but in the end they are not the ones that brought us to this point. We are here because **_Kara_** tried to kill herself. They may have been the ones that brought her to the edge but right now she is the most immediate threat to her own survival. She was the one wielding that knife and that is something we can't afford to forget. Granted, she seems to be doing a little better now --that's why I decided to try to get to the bottom of this-- but this remains a volatile situation, one that can take a deadly turn in a matter of seconds.

"Yes, I was almost relieved, almost glad..." she says, catching me off guard and drawing my attention back to her.

"Relieved?" I repeat, not quite knowing what to make out of that one.

"Yes, I... I thought..." she begins but she seems to be unable to even finish that thought.

"What did you think?" I prod.

"I kept seeing that damned farm... those women. I..." she trails of again but it doesn't matter because this time around I think I finally understand.

"When they tied you to that table, it wasn't just that you didn't know how long you were going to be there of if it was going to hurt but rather that you thought you might be there for the rest of your life, is that it?" I ask, trying to imagine the kind of fear we are talking about.

"Yes," she reluctantly admits, not meetig my eyes.

"And that's why you said that being handed over to Leoben was a relief?" I insist.

"Yes," she says and I am reassured by the fact that we are now back in what can be described as a somewhat familiar territory. Sure, the main point of this whole encounter is to fill in the blanks and in that regard 'familiar territory is not really where we want to be but at the same time I have to admit that that little detour into the Simon-zone caught me off guard and that's not an experience I care t repeat. We are already pushing it here and Starbuck's safety comes first.

"Can you tell me what your average day was like after that?" I ask trying to regain some semblance of control over the situation.

"There wasn't one, not really," she says shrugging her shoulders.

"What do you mean?"

"It changed. At first... at first he was always there. It was... I don't know... I..."

"You what?"

"I tried to fight him," she says, sounding almost desperate.

"But you couldn't."

"No... I... I was too frakking weak..." she whispers.

"You survived, Kara. Given what you were up against that was the only thing you could do," jumps in Apollo before I can say anything. The problem is that she already knows that so reminding her of that fact is not likely to change a frakking thing here. What he is telling her is not something new, it is not something she doesn't know but rather something she is too frakking stubborn to accept. The rational part of her mind is well aware that there was nothing she could have done to fight Leoben, she has known that all along, but there is another part of her that is still convinced that there should have been.

* * *

**_Author's notes:_** Um... hi guys! sorry about the delay, I know it has been way too long. That was due to a combination of RL and my utter disappointment with the show's finale (oh how I hated it, let me count the ways...). Anyway, if anyone is still interested I am back and I can be reasonably sure that there will be regular updates for at least the next two months (I'm going to be uploading a chapter every couple of weeks).

Again, thanks for your patience, thanks for reading and, if you can spare a review I would really appreciate it!

Alec


	78. Chapter 78

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

**__**_Author's notes: Hi guys, here you have the next chapter (and on schedule at that!). Anyway, I just wanted to __take advantage of this opportunity to thank you for reading... and reviewing, we can't forget the reviewing. Thanks again,_

_Alec

* * *

  
_

Chapter 78  
(Lee's POV)

I glare at Cottle, wondering what he's getting at. Yes, we are here to get ourselves some answers -answers I want as much as anyone else- and in order to do that we have to ask some hard questions but there is a long way from that to starting things off with a question such as 'how often where you raped?' Of course that seems to be a favorite strategy of his when he wants to wrong-foot his opponent. I remember him asking us the same thing before that debriefing, but at least back then he was trying to shield Kara, not confronting her... and the truth is that I'm not sure what to expect here. Yes, so far Kara seems to be more or less willing to play along but at the same time I know her well enough to know there is something about her reaction that just feels wrong. I may not know exactly what it is that she is up to but my gut tells me that sooner or later she is going to push back and push back hard... not that I doubt for a moment that what she's telling us is the truth or that I think her fear is not real. Gods, I still remember dragging the truth about that frakking farm out of her after Caprica... not the part that made it to the official reports, the other one. She used to have nightmares about that place and I'm not sure they ever stopped and then Simon...

Three weeks. She had three weeks of living her worst fear 24/7, or close to it, and then... I shake my head at that, trying to get rid of the image of Kara strapped to a table, being experimented on by that frakking skinjob. This is not the time for me to be thinking about that. We are here to gather the facts because -if nothing else- that little revelation **_has_** proven that there is still too much we don't understand and in that regard Cottle is right when he says we can't afford to have what we **_don't_** know come back to bite us on the ass.

I may not agree with **_how_** the doc approached this, almost daring her to fight us, but at the same time I realize I am going to have no choice but to become an active participant in this one, especially because I can see her growing increasingly distraught at Cottle's questions.

"You survived, Kara. Given what you were up against that was the only thing you could do," I say, trying to reassure her and knowing how hard it must have been for her to acknowledge that 'weakness'.

"I may have tried to fight him but I was almost glad," she repeats, shaking her head.

"Hey, it's okay," I insist, trying to put an arm around her shoulders only to have her pull away and wrap her arms around herself instead.

"No, I..."

"You what, Kara?"

"I don't know," she whispers. "It's all frakked up."

"Can you try to explain?" I ask but she just shakes her head at that and I feel completely at a loss here. I have a million unanswered questions but at the same time I'm not sure how much further I should push this... and on top of that there's the certainty that if I don't do this Cottle will.

"What's frakked up?"

"Everything, I... Simon and Leoben... I couldn't fight them," she says, sounding almost confused.

"No, you couldn't," I agree, even as I try to give her the room to figure things out on her own.

"Leoben, he..." she begins but then she trails off, shaking her head and I can almost see her rebuilding her defenses.

"He what?"

"Nothing," she says.

"Kara," I plead.

"No, Lee. It's none of your frakking business."

"Leoben what, Kara?" I insist, hating myself for it but knowing that I don't really have much of a choice here.

"I hated it but... at least it was familiar. No matter how bad it got I knew I could take it."

"Because of Jonas?" I ask, almost choking on that name.

"No... maybe... I don't know," she says, before shaking her head and adding. "It's not so frakking simple."

"Why not?" I ask... not that 'simple' is a word I would ever use to describe any of this.

"Because it wasn't the same, not really. Jonas..."

"Jonas what?"

"It wasn't the same," she repeats, and something in the way she says it feels... wrong.

"Why not?" I ask.

"Because it wasn't," she growls.

"Care to explain that?" I insist, even though my gut is screaming that I should back down while I still can. The problem is that I'm feeling increasingly frustrated by how much I don't know and Kara's cryptic half answers aren't really helping matters here.

"What is it that you don't understand?"

"How? How was it different?"

"You've got to be frakking kidding me!" she snaps.

"Will you just tell me?"

"What, you want me to draw you a frakking picture?"

"If that's what it takes."

"Mechanics," she says.

"Mechanics?" I repeat, wondering what the frak she could possibly mean by that.

"Yes, gods damn it! Do I have to spell it out for you?"

"Maybe," I challenge, determined to get to the bottom of this one way or the other.

"Fine, how about the fact that Leoben wanted me to love him. He had a few inches and some thirty pounds on me. Jonas had about two feet on me, he outweighed me by more than three to one and he liked nothing better than to hear me scream," she growls and all of a sudden I feel as if the air had been sucked out of the room. That is not something I had ever stopped to consider, not really. I may have been incredibly naive but I hadn't even thought about something as obvious as the size difference between a ten year-old girl and a fully grown man or what that difference entailed and, if the sharp intake of breath to my side is anything to go by, neither had my father.


	79. Chapter 79

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 79  
(Kara's POV)

Frak, how stupid can I be? I mean, how many times have I told my nuggets that the best way to get yourself killed is to get so caught up chasing the raider that's in front of you that you lose track of the one that's about to blow your sorry ass out of the sky from behind? I know that, gods damn it, it's survival 101 so how could I have been so stupid as to forget about the Old Man? Yes, I wanted to shock Lee into letting go but I never meant to hurt any of them and I sure as hell didn't mean to add to their gods-damned pity-feast.

The problem is that his presence really complicates matters here. Lee I know I can handle and I don't give a damn about what Cottle thinks one way or the other so he is not an issue but the Old Man is a different story and I am not sure what the frak I am supposed to do about this one.

"I suspect it was more complicated than that," he says, bringing my attention back to him and the look in his eyes reminds me of the fact that I went too far with that one and now I have to clean up my mess, though I don't really know how.

"We are just trying to understand," he tries to reassure me and I realize that -no matter how much I hate it- I am going to have no choice but to try to explain.

"I know, it's just that..." I trail off

"Just that what?" he prods.

"You can't."

"Why not?"

"Because it is not so frakking simple," I snap, relieved by the fact that military discipline is one thing he does **_not_** expect out of me.

"I never said that it was," he points out.

"I know but..."

"But what?"

"I don't know. I don't know how to explain," I finally admit.

"I've found that it helps to start from the beginning."

"They were different."

"You already said that," he reminds me.

"I know, it's just that... Jonas was bad but he..." I trail off again, wondering what the frak is it going to take for me to be able to finish a gods damned sentence here.

"He what?" insists the Old Man.

"With Jonas... it wasn't everything," I say, still struggling to find the right words. The problem is that words are not my weapon of choice and I am clearly outgunned here.

"What do you mean?"

"It happened, it was bad and I hated it but it was usually over in a matter of minutes. Hell, it wasn't even an everyday occurrence for frak's sake," I explain with a shrug before going on. "Most of the time he left me pretty much alone. I went to school, did other things and then **_sometimes_** he would come into my room... it hurt but it wasn't that big a deal. It wasn't my whole life. With Leoben... he was always there. I was trapped in that apartment and there was no getting away from him. He may not have been trying to hurt me -at least not as long as I wasn't actively fighting him- but he would spend hours touching me... playing with me... experimenting. I knew what he wanted and there wasn't a frakking thing I could do to stop him... not that stopping Jonas was much of an option either."

"I think I understand," he says, though I know he doesn't, not really. Frak, that's why we are here: because they **_don't_** understand, because they keep asking the wrong gods damned questions. Both he and Lee keep focusing on the details, on the sequence of events as if figuring that one out would somehow solve everything. They want to know what Jonas and Leoben did, how they did it and when. They seem to think that getting me to tell them, to 'open up and trust them' is almost a matter of principle. They don't understand that this is not about trust, that trust has nothing to do with it, it never did.

"Talking about it won't change anything," I finally say, shaking my head as I try to order my thoughts. The problem is that the way I see it I have two choices here and telling them what they want to know and getting them to leave this crap alone once and for all is **_not_** one of them, instead those choices go something like this: I can either try to answer their questions to the best of my abilities and have them blow whatever I say completely out of proportion or I can try to fight them off, allow them to try to fill in the blanks themselves, come to the wrong conclusion... and then have them blow **_that_** completely out of proportion.

"Maybe, but I still need to know."

"Why? What for? What's the frakking point?" I say, in a desperate attempt to get him to back off.

"Why not, if it won't change anything?" he insists, turning my own words against me before adding. "I need to know. Please."

"I..."

"There was more to it than that, wasn't there? It wasn't just that Jonas was bigger or that Leoben was always there, was it?" he asks and I just shake my head at that in a gesture that is both a denial and a rather futile attempt to keep the memories at bay.

"What happened, Kara? What aren't you telling us?" he insists when it becomes apparent that I am not going to volunteer any additional information.

"It's nothing."

"Don't give me that crap," he growls.

"It was the same but it wasn't," I say, though I know that doesn't make sense.

"And not just because Jonas was bigger," he says.

"No," I admit.

"Why was it?"

"Because Jonas was human... " I whisper, closing my eyes as I feel my self-control slip away.


	80. Chapter 80

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1_**

Chapter 80  
(Adama's POV)

"And Leoben wasn't ," I finish for her wondering what she isn't saying. Oh, I know she is not lying, at least not outright, but I am not naive enough not to realize that what we are getting here is nowhere near the whole story. Yes, I can imagine just how traumatic the notion that Leoben wasn't human must have been for her, especially considering what the bastard was doing and that she had no means to keep him from turning her body into some sort of hybrid incubator, but at the same time by saying that he wasn't human she is merely stating the obvious and I know Kara well enough to know that she is too much of a natural born strategist to waste as much energy as she just did in an attempt to keep us away from the obvious. That means that what she is saying and what I am getting out of her words are almost certainly two different things. Unfortunately my understanding of this whole situation is too sketchy for me to be able to read between the lines and I am having a hard time trying to pin down where she is coming from.

"No, he wasn't," she agrees.

"And that meant...?" I ask, wondering how many tries is it going to take for me to get something remotely resembling a straight answer out of her.

"I can't," she pleads.

"Kara," I insist, feeling more than a little guilty about that. Sure, I know why we are doing this, I realize it's something we have to do and I understand why backing down now would be a bad idea but that doesn't mean that pushing her doesn't feel like a betrayal.

"I did something wrong," she finally admits, not meeting my eyes.

"Something wrong?" I repeat, feeling an odd sense of deja-vu, one my gut tells me doesn't lead back to her comment about Leoben being almost gentle with her as long as she wasn't actively fighting him, at least not directly. We have been here before, I know that, but when?

"Yes, I..." she trails off and all of a sudden I remember. Back when we first questioned her she hinted at something along those lines. She said that as long as she was willing to share a bed with him, Leoben was almost gentle with her but she also said that there was one exception, that she did something 'wrong'. She said that she broke the rules and was punished for it, just like she was 'punished' for trying to bite Jonas when she was ten. The parallels between those incidents are chilling as far as I am concerned but I don't even know if Kara is aware of those parallels herself and in a way that exemplifies one of the things that are bothering me here: the fact that even though she seems to be more than willing to take on what she believes is her share of the blame for her actions in both of those instances, the idea that Jonas and Leoben may not have had the right to do what they did to her in the first place doesn't even seem to have crossed her mind. That may not seem like such a big deal, not in the grand scheme of things, but I suspect it is symptomatic of just how twisted her most basic perceptions really are... and of how damn near impossible trying to straighten those perceptions out is going to be. Of course, straightening them out is not our primary focus, at least not today. Right now our priority has to be trying to determine what the basic facts are, so I set my worries aside and I turn my attention back to Kara.

"Was this the one exception?" I ask gently, knowing that she will understand.

She looks up sharply at that, meeting my eyes for a fraction of a second before looking away again, still not saying anything.

"You said that Leoben wouldn't hurt you as long as you agreed to share a bed with him but you also told us that there was one exception... that you did something you shouldn't have," I remind her.

"I saw an opening and I took it. His neck was exposed so I crushed his windpipe," she states in a rather distant voice and the complete lack of emotion behind those words bothers me. They are a soldier's words and right now Kara hiding behind Starbuck is only going to serve to complicate matters even further.

"But that wasn't the end of it, was it?" I ask, trying to get a reaction out of her and knowing that I am getting close to **_something_** though I am also dreading what that something is going to be.

"No, he..." she trails off.

"What did he do?"

"I was in the shower and they... they came back."

"'They'?" I repeat, somewhat startled by that sudden shift. Up until now Kara has been referring to Leoben consistently in the singular and something about her use of the plural feels wrong.

"Yes," she whispers before adding, "there are many copies..."

I am still trying to figure out what she could possibly mean by that when I remember her previous comment about the difference between Leoben and Jonas being that Jonas was human and all of a sudden I find myself fighting to keep the shock out of my face as all the pieces click into place.

'There are many copies'. How many times have I heard those words? How many times have I said them myself? 'There are many copies', that is what sets them apart, what makes them different... and that difference may well have provided them with the perfect means to drive the hopelessness of Kara's situation home to her.

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: And we've made it to 80 chapters (yikes, my original estimate was something like 40). Anyway, I wanted to thank you for sticking with me in what has been a very long ride (with a few unexpected delays). A special thank you also to those who have taken the time to review. Take care and thanks for reading,

Alec


	81. Chapter 81

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 81  
(Cottle's POV)

"How many?" I hear the Admiral choke out, almost reflexively, though I really don't think it matters so I manage to catch his eye without Starbuck noticing and I shake my head, signaling for him to let it go. Yes, I understand where he is coming from, I realize that the father in him desperately wants -maybe even needs- to know exactly what those bastards did to 'his little girl' but at the same time I am all too aware of the fact that there is a limit in terms of how far we can push her. That means we have to pick our battles and this is not one we can afford to fight, not today. The problem is that it soon becomes apparent that my warning came a a few seconds too late so we may not really have a choice.

"I don't know... a dozen, maybe more. They were everywhere, pinning me down, groping me. They..." says Kara before trailing off.

"It's okay," I say, trying to give her an easy way out even as I keep my eyes on the younger Adama, dreading what his reaction is going to be. Up until now he hadn't fully understood -or rather he had stubbornly refused to acknowledge- what she meant when she said that Jonas was human or that he was one, now that option has been effectively taken away from him and I can see that he is having a hard time trying to come to terms with this... not that his father is doing much better. The difference is that while I know I can count on Bill's self-control to keep him from digging us into an even deeper hole, his son's is nowhere near as reliable and, as if that weren't enough, Starbuck chooses precisely this moment to show her contrary nature by **_not_** taking the out I just gave her.

"I couldn't get away... I couldn't even **_look_** away. I tried but then I saw it. It was still there, still watching me... mocking me..."

"'It'?" I ask, turning my attention back to her as I try to figure out exactly what she means by that.

"The dead one," she whispers.

'And here I was wondering if things could possibly get any worse,' I think to myself as I throw a quick look Apollo's way. I mean, that is a mental image I could have lived without and I am not even an Adama for frak's sake. Well, the good news -or as close to good news as we are likely to get here- is that this may be the key to getting both Adamas to grasp the magnitude of what we are up against. That is something I have been trying to do for some time but up until now I really hadn't made much progress in that regard. No matter what I said there was no way for me to convey the scope of something like this. There was no way **_my_** words were ever going to cut through their denial and I knew it -especially not when it came to the damage that was inflicted long before they met her, a damage that has been an integral part of who she is for so long that they can't conceive who she would be without it- but Kara's may have managed to do just that.

Of course, that good news is not going to do us much good if we can't keep this situation from spiraling completely out of control, a fact I am reminded of when I hear Apollo's horrified stutter.

"What... what do you mean?" he says and, even though his little outburst does **_not_** come as a surprise, I am still tempted to strangle the boy on the spot.

"What do you think it means?" I growl at him, knowing that I am walking a fine line here. This is Kara's story to tell and as such it is her right to do so in her own terms... at least as long as she is willing to play along and provide us with some basic answers. That means that telling Apollo to shut the frak up should have been her prerogative, but that is one of those niceties we can't really afford, not if we are going to keep Starbuck and Apollo from turning this into one of their legendary shouting matches.

"I..." begins Starbuck but something in the tone of her voice makes me realize that I have to regain control of this encounter and I have to do it now so I interrupt her.

"Was that the last time you killed him?" I ask, not quite believing that those words just came out of my mouth.

"No, I..."

"So even after that you still kept on fighting?" I interrupt her again.

"Yes... no... I don't know..."

"It's a yes or no question, either you kept fighting him or you didn't," I insist, trying to get her to focus on something with some sort of positive connotation here... to get her to at least acknowledge that she did her best to keep on fighting that gods damned skinjob.

"I kept killing him if that's what you mean but he... he never..."

"He never what?"

"He never said I couldn't," she replies and I don't really know what the frak am I supposed to say at that. Even after all this time it is still hard for me to let go of some of my most basic human notions, especially when it comes to the finality of death, and this whole thing goes precisely to that point. So, is fighting someone who doesn't expect you **_not_** to kill him still fighting? From a human perspective the question doesn't even make sense but they are not human and even if on a rational level I can acknowledge that for a skinjob death is anything but final -that as far as they are concerned their bodies are disposable- the implications of that fact are harder for me to grasp. Hell, I treated some of them back on New Caprica. As far as I was concerned the fact that they weren't human was irrelevant. They were hurt, they bled so I did my best to keep them going, just like I did with everyone else in that gods forsaken rock, though now that I think about it keeping them trapped in their damaged bodies may have seemed like the worst kind of torture to them and that, I have to admit, is more than a little ironic.


	82. Chapter 82

**_For notes warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 82  
(Lee's POV)

I am still trying to make sense out of this whole mess but no matter how I look at it the pieces stubbornly refuse to fit together. In a way it reminds me of a hiking trip I took with Zak a few weeks before I left for the academy. It was supposed to be our last chance to 'just hang out' and even though we were only meant to be gone for a couple of hours, we were caught by a storm and had to spend the night in a cave. It was dark, we were soaked to the bone and had no means to start a fire so our only source of light were lightning flashes that kept illuminating random scenes at random intervals. It may seem silly but I have never been able to forget the shadows they projected. They were all around us, grotesque and unfamiliar... terrifying and inescapable. That is what this whole thing feels like. What Kara is saying, it does give us some insight but at the same time it is nowhere near enough to tell the whole story or even to form something remotely resembling a coherent narrative and that brings me to my next question: does knowing the details do us any good, does it get us any closer to understanding any of this? I don't thinks so.

I may have more data now than I did a few minutes ago but I sure as hell don't **_feel_** any closer to understanding any of this crap... and in spite of that I still crave those answers. I need to know if I am ever going to stop walking on eggshells around Kara, fearing that my next word or gesture is going to be the one to trigger some memory and push her over the edge. Yes, I know that as fears go that one is far from rational -I know that the facts themselves haven't changed, just my awareness of them- but I can't help it... and yet I also know that no matter how many questions I ask or how hard I push, I will never be able to understand this, not really. Her little comment about 'mechanics' proved that.

Oh, I know that from a logical perspective what she pointed out should have been obvious but I also know it goes much deeper than those physical aspects I was so reluctant to think about. I have taken enough psych classes over the years to realize that. That gives me a rational framework to work with. On the emotional side I also remember hearing about the occasional horror story whenever a particularly nasty case caught the media's attention so it's not so much that I didn't know that these things happened or even what the consequences of something like this were likely to be but rather that those were just disembodied news stories and theoretical cases, unpleasant but easily ignored... this is my best friend and she was ten, for frak's sake.

Of course, Jonas is only half the story here and that is not something I can afford to forget, especially not considering that he is not even the most relevant half. Yes, it matters but as much as I hate what the bastard did to her the truth is that he's old news. What happened with Jonas happened long before we met and there is nothing I could have done to prevent it. I don't like it but in a way I can accept it. What happened with Leoben, on the other hand, is a completely different story. That happened on my watch, gods damn it... and it shouldn't have. She should never have been put in that position because she shouldn't have been in that gods-forsaken rock in the first place.

In the end I guess that is one of the things that have me questioning my every move here, playing the what-if game and wondering what I could have done even though I know it's futile. The problem is that the most obvious answer in that regard has nothing to do with what I could have done but rather it's something that places the blame squarely on Kara's shoulders: if only she had trusted me, if only she hadn't run off on New Caprica, she would have been safe.

Sure, I know that is an oversimplification but I can't help it. I want to strangle that gods-damned skinjob so badly I can taste but I know I can't... and even if I could that wouldn't do me any good. That is the lesson the bastard taught her after she killed him... and yet she somehow managed to keep on fighting.

That is probably more than I would have been able to do but oddly enough the fact that she managed to pull it off does nothing but fuel my anger as it reminds me yet again of everything she's been through and of my own failure to protect her... and yes, I do feel the need to protect her though I also know she would skin me alive if I were to say something like that out loud. The problem is that Jonas is dead and Leoben is not here. That leaves Kara as the only available target and, even though I know it's crazy, I am having a hard time trying to keep myself from taking that anger out on her, after all it would be so easy...

'If only she hadn't run she would have been safe,' that is what a little voice keeps whispering in the back of my mind as my imagination supplies me with both a very vivid picture of Kara surrounded by a dozen Leobens and perfect images of what our life together might have been.


	83. Chapter 83

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 83  
(Kara's POV)

'Stupid, stupid, stupid. I am so frakking stupid! How could I possibly have been this stupid, gods damn it?' I keep asking myself that, knowing that I really blew it. What did I expect, that they'd just look the other way after I allowed Leoben to do whatever he wanted with me? That they would forgive me, hug me and tell me that everything was going to be alright once they finally realized what the fact that I spent four frakking months as that gods damned skinjob's whore really entailed? I mean, so what if I kept killing the bastard? I knew all along it wouldn't do me any good and so did he. It's just that I was too much of a frakking coward to do the one thing I could have done that would really have made a difference -the one thing I could have done to really put an end to it all- until it was too frakking late... and even then I managed to screw it up.

Well, I guess if there is a silver lining to this mess it is precisely that I don't have to worry about the possibility of them finding out now. They know and there's nothing I can do to take back that knowledge, though I still can't bring myself to look up either... not when I know exactly what I'm going to see in their eyes: disgust, maybe mixed in with some pity. Oh, I knew all along this was coming and it's not like I don't know I deserve it -especially the disgust- but I thought I was ready so I wasn't expecting it to hit me quite this hard. If only I had kept my big mouth shut. Of course, if there is one thing I know is that 'if only' doesn't get you anywhere. It is what it is and you deal with it as best you can... whether you like it or not.

I am so tired of this crap, of trying to keep them at bay while I pretend that everything is fine even though I know it isn't. I've been doing it ever since I made it out of New Caprica but the truth is that I knew all along that sooner or later the truth was bound to catch up with me. I may not have known exactly how things were going to play out but it didn't take a frakking genius to figure out that they would eventually realize how badly I screwed up and that when they did I would be... well, screwed. The thing is that even though for the most part I did know better there was still a small part of me that clung to the hope that somehow they would be able to forgive me, or at least that they wouldn't hate me... now that hope is gone and I am feeling kind of lost here. In a way that is more than a little ironic.

I had been dreading this moment for so long that the fact that they know almost comes as a relief. At least now I know where I stand so maybe now I'll be able to sleep without worrying about the gods damned nightmares. Oh, I know those are not likely to go away any time soon but up until now I've been more afraid of what I was going to encounter -or rather of what I was going to let slip- when I woke up than of the images that were waiting for me whenever I closed my eyes.

The nightmares I knew I could handle. I have been dealing with those one way or another ever since I can remember and I knew that no matter how bad they got they couldn't really hurt me. The problem is that that didn't mean they couldn't come back to haunt me. They could and in a way they already had. I was stupid enough to blurt out Jonas's name once and that was enough to get me into this frakking mess so -seeing how I still can't wake up without seeing Lee's concerned face hovering over me- that has been a problem. It has also been... I don't know. I guess confusing is the best word I can come up with to describe it but it doesn't quite fit either. I'm used to taking care of myself. I mean, if there is one lesson my mother managed to beat into my thick skull it is precisely that trust is a weakness, that counting on anyone but yourself is a surefire way to have your ass handed back to you on a silver platter and yet in these past few weeks I've found myself relying on him more and more even though I really should have known better... especially because I was well aware of just how much he **_didn't_** know.

Well, no one ever said I was smart but that's over now anyway. He knows what I did now and so does his father. That means that from now on relying on either of them more than I should is not something I'm going to have to worry about... hell, I'll be lucky if the Old Man doesn't kick me out of the Galactica altogether once and for all. Oh, I know chances are he won't do it today but he was threatening to do just that even when I could fly so now that I have nothing to bring to the table, now that I may well be grounded for life, he has no real reason to keep me around. Yes, he had said something about training me for a job in the CIC somewhere down the line, he said that we need new officers almost as much as we need new pilots but there's no way he is going to trust me with something like that now. Now I'm just another useless mouth to feed, worthless as anything but breeding stock... and breeding stock is the one thing I refuse to be so where does that leave me? I don't know, I don't have a frakking clue, all I know is that I am alone, though even that is not going as well as I was expecting it to.

I mean, if alone was supposed to be safe and I am back to being alone, how come I'm feeling anything but relieved? How come I don't feel any safer now than I did ten minutes ago?... how come I still can't bring myself to look them in the eye and face the disgust I know I'm going to find there?


	84. Chapter 84

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 84  
(Adama's POV)

'Prioritize,' I tell myself as my eyes shift from Lee to Kara and back again. The problem is that what I have to do here feels a little too close to disarming a ticking time-bomb for comfort. I can see the storm brewing in Lee's eyes and the fear and self-loathing in Kara's. I know the two of them well enough to know that that can be a rather explosive combination, though I still hope Lee will at least have the common sense to keep his mouth shut this time around. That stupid outburst of his did enough damage as far as I am concerned, unfortunately I can see he is still far from being back in control of his emotions and that means the danger is nowhere near over.

Knowing that I can't afford to divide my attention here I shoot a warning glare my son's way before sitting on the bed next to Kara. It is a more intimate position than I would have preferred but it serves the dual purpose of keeping me from towering over her and of ensuring that Lee is nowhere near her field of view and then I ask her to give me her eyes... not that that does me much good as she stubbornly refuses to look up... in fact I'm not even sure she heard me, so I gently grab her chin and, even though at first she tries to look away, eventually she meets my eyes and the despair and self-loathing I see there hit me almost like a physical blow. Of course, it's not just her eyes. She is also chewing on her lower lip so hard I'm afraid she's going to draw blood and she is having a hard time trying to keep her breathing under control.

All and all I have to say she paints a rather pathetic picture and I am suddenly hit by the realization that this is not Starbuck I'm dealing with here, this is Kara at her most vulnerable and that scares the crap out of me because the truth is that I don't know what the frak I am supposed to say here, that I'm not sure there is anything I **_can_** say to make this better or even to get through to her. The problem is that I also know I have to do something because it is apparent that the longer I wait the harder it is going to be for me to reach her, that whatever it is that is running through her mind it is only serving to push her closer to the edge so I do the only thing I can think of and I pull her into a hug, not really knowing if it's going to help or if it is actually going to make matters worse but realizing instinctively that she is too far gone right now for me to do anything else. Simply put, she is not listening and that means words are not going to cut it here.

In a way it is more than a little ironic. I have always thought of myself as a man of action, I have always been more comfortable with deeds than with words but I have to say that this is not quite what I had in mind. I may finally feel like I am **_doing_** something but the truth is that hugging my subordinates is not something I've been trained to do and the fact that I can feel her stiffening in my arms before she begins to struggle in earnest does nothing to reassure me -especially not given the nature of the trauma we are dealing with here in the first place- but in spite of those struggles I still refuse to let go.

Hugging my subordinates may go against every rule in the damned book but she is not just my subordinate. She is my daughter first and foremost and losing her is not an option, gods damn it... now I just have to get her to understand that.

"It's okay, it's over, you are safe now," I whisper in her ear, over and over again in a desperate attempt to reach her.

I don't know how long that goes on. It feels like hours though realistically I know it is at most a couple of minutes and probably even less than that but eventually she ceases in her struggles and just returns my embrace, clinging to me almost desperately. That comes as a relief... or it would if it weren't for the fact that now I have a sobbing mess of a woman in my arms and even though I am incredibly grateful for the fact that she is finally letting go, the truth is that I feel even more out of my depth now than I did when she was actively fighting me... especially because the magnitude of the responsibility I have just taken upon myself here suddenly hits me.

Up until now I had been so focused on trying to break through her defenses, to reach the core, that I never really stopped to consider what I was going to encounter when I did and now that I'm here I realize I don't have a clue as to what the frak I am supposed to do about any of this but at the same time I also realize that there is no turning back. She didn't ask for any of this but we still took it upon ourselves to shatter her defenses. Yes, in a way it may be said that we didn't really have a choice, that this was something that had to be done, that we inherited this mess, that we didn't cause it and even that we meant well but in the end those are just excuses. They don't change a frakking thing. As far as I am concerned the old 'you broke it, you bought it' standard applies to this situation... and -whether we like it or not, whether we meant to or not- the fact remains that we broke it.


	85. Chapter 85

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 85  
(Cottle's POV)

'I wonder what Bill would say if I were to tell him that the easy part is over?' I think to myself as I see him trying desperately to get Starbuck to calm down... not that I think that's likely to happen any time soon. The damage is finally exposed and now the delicate part of this operation can begin but before that can happen we have to wash away the infection. The problem is that right now we could really use a chance to regroup and reassess our strategy but at the same time we can't afford to give Kara an opportunity to do the same. That would be like cutting a patient open and then stopping to give him the time to heal before going back to finish the operation. Even if it is meant as an act of kindness the end result would still be a dead patient. That doesn't mean there can't be follow up surgeries down the road -there can and in this case there almost certainly will be- but right now our priority has to be finishing what we started here as rapidly and as efficiently as we can... regardless of how painful it gets in the short term.

The problem is that that's easier said than done and one of the things that could easily come back to bite us is precisely the fact that neither Adama had a clue going in as to the extent of the damage they were about to face. I may have tried to explain but I knew all along that it was basically an exercise in futility... just another one of those instances in which the chasm between knowing and understanding was insurmountable. Now they realize -or at least Bill realizes- just how big this mess really is but at the same time they also realize that there's no turning back.

Well, the good news is that at least now we know what happened and that is more than we did before. We may not have every little detail but under the circumstances that doesn't really matter. Going by her reactions -and by the fact that it is pretty much on the edge of what I would describe as 'survivable' anyway- I think it is safe to assume that that incident with the multiple copies was as bad as things got from both a physical and a psychological perspective so it can be seen as a sort of high water mark... unfortunately that doesn't mean there aren't other questions here I wouldn't like answered. Chief among those is just what the frak does Starbuck think of any of this. Oh, I know both Lee and the Old Man are horrified -hell, I'm horrified myself- but at the same time this is not about us so the real question is 'how does this look from her perspective' and, even though it is fairly apparent that she is deeply traumatized by it all, I don't think 'horrified' is an accurate description.

That's something I'm going to have to think about but now is not the time, especially not seeing how Starbuck's sobs are finally quieting down as she manages to cry herself to sleep so I help Bill to tuck her in and then I gesture for him to stay where he is. Yes, this is a small reprieve but at the same time this is nowhere near over and, to make matters worse, I don't know how long that reprieve is going to last. I have no way of knowing if she is going to sleep for ten minutes or for ten hours but I **_can_** tell that we can't afford to have her waking up alone and remembering this little outburst. That would all but ensure a retreat so swift we would never be able to draw her out again.

That means that if we are going to talk we are going to have to do it here, in front of her, and that means there is always a chance that we could be overheard. Yes, we can try to monitor her as best we can in an attempt to make sure she is indeed asleep but that is not an exact science, especially not when dealing with a soldier who is no stranger to the art of feigning sleep in order to assess her surroundings in a hostile environment, and that means we have to mind our tongues.

"So what's next?" is, not surprisingly, the first question out of Bill's mouth.

"We follow her and see where she leads us... not blindly and certainly not without trying to steer things but this is not about us so it is not up to us to chart our course," I say, well aware of how much he is **_not_** going to like that.

"You knew," he says, almost accusingly.

"'Knew'?" I ask, though I'm fairly certain I know where this is going.

"Don't play games with me. You knew all along what those bastards had done to her," he growls and I have to fight to keep myself from sighing at that as I wonder how many variants of this particular conversation there can possibly be. Well, the truth is that this is not really unexpected and the fact remains that I'd much rather have him taking it out on me than on her so I'm not going to complain about it.

"Not the details but yes, I knew the damage ran deep and -knowing Starbuck- it wasn't all that hard to figure out that something big was lurking under the surface," I admit.

"And you didn't think to warn us?"

"I tried," I remind him, though I seriously doubt I'm going to be getting through to him on that particular point any time soon.

"So, I repeat, what the frak are we supposed to do now?" he insists, letting it go... at least for now.

"We wait and then we reassess the situation, we see where that leads us and then we reassess again," I tell him, knowing that is **_not_** the answer he wanted to hear. Oh, I know where he is coming from, I understand Bill needs to be in control, to have a plan -preferably one featuring an enemy he can 'take down' with a well defined strategy- only this time around he can't... and in that regard his son is just like him. The thing is that that approach is unlikely to get them anywhere here and, now that the full extent of the damage has been exposed, that terrifies them.


	86. Chapter 86

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 86  
(Lee's POV)

Watching Kara sleep feels... I don't know. It's something I've been doing a lot lately but even as I try to understand this feels different... and not just because I have more info now than I did a few minutes ago. That may be part of it but it goes deeper than that, though I'm not sure how.

I guess in a way I'm grateful for the chance to organize my thoughts and I suspect the same goes for my father and maybe even Cottle. Yes, they are still arguing as they try to work out some sort of strategy but with Kara asleep at least now we have a few minutes to catch our breath and to try to come to terms with the latest revelations without having to worry about the possibility of making matters worse. I don't know about them but I definitely needed that.

Oh, I know I screwed up and I know I'm going to be hearing about that as soon as they can get me alone but I just wasn't ready for... that. Hell, even now I'm still having a hard time trying to force myself to think about it in more concrete terms. The images are too horrifying for me to contemplate only I know for her they are a lot more than just images. I may be having a hard time trying to bring myself to think about it as anything more than 'it' but she doesn't have that luxury. She lived through it. She was there while they... I can't even begin to imagine what that must have been like. Even trying to think about it now is enough to make my skin crawl for frak's sake so how the hell am I supposed to look her in the eye? I don't know. What those bastards did... it's just too much for me to grasp.

'Are those the nightmares that keep waking her up at night?' I wonder. I don't know, maybe... probably, so why the frak didn't she just say something? I was right here, gods damn it! Of course, with Kara's 'I'd rather bleed to death than ask for a frakking band-aid' attitude maybe that shouldn't come as much of a surprise... and even if she had said something what would I have done? What could I have done? Even now I can't bring myself to think about it. Hell, maybe she was better off not trusting me, seeing how badly I screwed up when given half a chance. It's just that the image of...

I can't. I can't bring myself to think about it and at the same time I can't stop thinking about it. What was going through her mind? I don't know, I can't even begin to imagine but it must have been terrifying... and on top of that there's the fact that she didn't know if she'd ever get away. How long had she been there by then? I don't know. She didn't say and I knew better than to ask but I know that was her fear and that, at least, is something I can understand. She couldn't even know if we were alive at the time... if we were coming back at all... and we almost didn't.

Frak, I just wish I knew what I'm supposed to do here, how I can make this better but I'm so far out of my depth I can't see bottom and that terrifies me. I guess that's what this whole thing boils down to. I know I don't understand and chances are I never will but -even if I don't like it- that is something I am going to have to come to terms with because the alternative is not one I care to contemplate.

I may be angry and confused but in the end I guess the choice I have to make is a simple one: I can either figure out a way to come to terms with everything I've learned here today or I'm going to lose her. In fact I almost did - more times than I care to remember- and even though she is still going, counting on yet another miracle would be foolish. I mean, how many of those can one person get? She survived Jonas, the destruction of the colonies, crashing on that moon, going back to Caprica, being left behind on New Caprica -with everything that entailed- and a suicide attempt... and those are just the big ones. I'm not counting literally hundreds of skirmishes, her marriage to Sam or even that stupid stunt she pulled to save my ass back in Rangar.

I remember my dad asking her to 'bring in the cat' back then. That's an exchange I've heard several times since then though I am still trying to figure out what the frak the whole thing is supposed to mean... as far as I can tell it is just something they share. What I do know, however, is that there's a limit to the number of lives a self-respecting cat is supposed to have and -no matter how you look at it- Kara is getting close.

I am pulled out of my musings when I hear her whimpering in her sleep and it takes me only a fraction of a second to recognize that she is having a nightmare. Well, at least that is something familiar. I've been here for more than my share of those lately and I know what to expect but this time around something feels different... wrong. It's not just the fact that I'm having a hard time trying to wrap my mind around everything I've heard here today -though that's certainly part of it- it's also that Cottle and my father are with us, intruding in what up until now had always been a private moment... in fact, I suddenly realize, that's precisely it: my dad is with her, trying to pull her out of her nightmare but he is way too close. More than once Kara has come out swinging and even though I know he would understand I also know her well enough to realize that she would never forgive herself so I try to warn him but he is too focused on her to notice.


	87. Chapter 87

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 87  
(Kara's POV)

'Oh, shit,' that's pretty much the only thing I can think of as I realize whose jaw it was that my fist just collided with. I mean it is one thing to be sent to the brig for hitting Tigh, but the Old Man?

"It's okay, it's okay," I hear him say and I have to keep myself from glaring at him. I just punched him, for frak's sake, so how the hell is that supposed to be anywhere near 'okay'?

"I'm sorry," I manage to say, wondering what's going to happen next. I don't know. I can't even begin to guess. Nothing makes sense any more. Hell, in a way I guess it would be easier if he would just send me to the brig or put me out a frakking airlock once and for all -at least then I would know where I stand- but somehow I don't think that's going to happen.

"You want to talk about it?" he asks, but I just shake my head at that. I know I owe him that much but I can't.

"What is it, Kara?" he insists, obviously not willing to take 'no' for an answer.

"Nothing... I... I don't know," I say, feeling incredibly stupid. There are so many thoughts running through my mind right now that I can't even begin to make sense out of them. There's nothing for me to hold on to here and I feel like I'm drowning so I close my eyes for a second, trying to regain some semblance of control, but I can't and I hate myself for it.

"Easy," I hear Cottle say, suddenly sounding a lot closer than I remember him being, though I am having a hard time trying to figure out what he means by that or even how he got there. I know I should know, but I don't.

"Starbuck, look at me," he insists. I still don't know what he means but somehow my brain still manages to recognize that as an order and responds almost instinctively.

"Good, now, slow down. Breathe in, breathe out. Come on, you know the drill," he encourages me.

"Better?" he asks after a while.

"Yes," I croak, mostly because it's what's expected of me. I still don't understand any of this and that is driving me crazy but I know better than to let my weakness show... or at least I should. The problem is that I don't think I'm fooling anyone here. Well, at least I no longer feel like I'm suffocating so I guess that's progress.

The thing is that no matter how I look at it I am still surrounded, I'm still outnumbered and, if there is one thing that has become apparent here, it is that they don't intend to back down any time soon... now I just have to figure out what the frak it is that they are trying to accomplish. I already told them what they wanted to know, they have the intel they came for so why are they still here? I don't know. It doesn't make sense but I know I'm going to have to figure it out if I am going to come up with some sort of strategy.

The problem is that I don't even know where to begin. So far I have been consistently wrong. I keep zigging when I should zag and that is not something I can afford... not when I have not just Apollo but also frakking **_Husker_** hot on my tail. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that I suck at this emotional crap... maybe if I were to approach this as if it were a dogfight. That, at least, is something I can understand. So, if this were a dogfight what would I do? That's easy: in that case my top priority would have to be trying to pinpoint their position. That would be the first step in any attempt to predict their next move... hell, it would be a basic requirement in order to stay out of their line of fire. So what would be the equivalent of figuring out their position under the current circumstances? I don't know, I guess it would probably be the fact that they **_haven't_** left. That is what I keep coming back to time and time again but no matter how I look at it I still can't make sense out of that one.


	88. Chapter 88

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1._**

Chapter 88  
(Adama's POV)

The more I think about it, the more obvious it becomes that Cottle is up to something here, that there is something he hasn't shared with us and to say that I don't appreciate being kept in the dark about whatever **_it_** is would be an understatement. Unfortunately I can't afford to question him, not now.

For the time being our ability to present a unified front is just too critical for me to jeopardize it by openly challenging him in front of her but at the same time I think she's had enough for today. Hell, **_I've_** had enough and I'm fairly certain the same goes for Lee. Unfortunately I also know that now is not the time for us to be thinking of backing off... at least not entirely. Kara is just too upset for that to be much of an option so getting her to calm down has to be our top priority and that means that rubbing my aching jaw is definitely **_not_** in the cards either.

Yes, I know that after these many years in the Fleet I really should know better than to try to shake a traumatized soldier in the throes of a nightmare awake. In that regard I know I have no one to blame but myself but right now I am having a hard time seeing Kara as a soldier and that in itself is part of the problem. If it were Lee he would probably understand but even though I've thought of Kara as 'the daughter I never had' almost from the moment I met her, the fact remains that she is **_not_** technically my daughter. That is yet another obstacle I am going to have to overcome, along with her pride and her history... to say nothing of about a dozen other pitfalls I fear are lurking under the surface.

I guess in the end that is what we keep coming back to: the fact that there are just too many unknowns when it comes to Kara and what she's been through for us to be able to accurately predict her reactions... and what we don't know can kill her. That's why we are here: to get ourselves some of those answers, though that in itself is something that falls under the category of 'easier said than done'.

What we have here is, to put it mildly, a tangled mess and, unless we can come up with some way to grasp one of its ends, there is no way in hell we are going to be able to untangle it.

The problem is that -even though we have expanded the scope of what we are up against several times already- my gut tells me we are still missing something here and as long as that is the case we are bound to keep going around in circles, even if those circles are now bigger than they used to be. First it was Leoben -that was straight forward enough- then Simon was added to the mix and finally things were pushed back even further to include Jonas, back when Kara was ten. Based on what she told us, that should have been the whole story... only it is pretty obvious that it wasn't. Of course, maybe the fact that I am using a chronological approach is in itself part of the problem. Jonas and Leoben may mark a beginning and an end but what I can't afford to forget is that there are about fifteen years of unknowns between them... plenty of time for something to remain hidden.

That's where we should try to focus our attention now. In fact I think we could probably narrow it down to six years, to the time between Jonas's departure when she was twelve and her acceptance to Flight School by the time she was eighteen. Even if most personal details are still missing, from that point on we do have a fairly complete picture of what her life's been like and over all I think we can assume that from that moment on she was reasonably safe.

Okay, so six missing years is still a good chunk of time but it is definitely more manageable than the fifteen years we had to begin with and there is also the fact that we do have at least an inkling of what went on during that period. The problem is that what we know about it doesn't really seem to hold much promise in terms of helping us understand her behavior. We know that for a couple of years after Jonas left things calmed down considerably, then by the time she was fourteen the abuse started again, though Kara herself seemed to dismiss that abuse as being almost irrelevant... routine.

In fact that attitude is one of the things I'm having more trouble trying to come to terms with. Fear and anger? Sure, that would make sense but indifference? That's nowhere near what I would have expected... and the worst part is that I don't think that indifference is just an act, at least not entirely. I think there's a part of her that is honestly at a loss to understand just how wrong what was done to her was. Of course, in a way that attitude has also enabled me to avoid focusing on the details. As much as I hate to admit it, in my mind Jonas remains just a faceless monster and the ones that came after him are even less than that. Hell, as far as I am concerned they barely qualify as an afterthought... and yet chances are that without them Kara wouldn't be who she is today, in fact she probably wouldn't even be here.

Well, I guess that's as much of a silver lining as we are likely to get here because she is alive and she is certainly kicking now. Hell, if anything I have to say that my jaw is an invaluable reminder of something else I should never have allowed myself to forget, namely the fact that Kara may be a little worse for wear but in the end she is still Starbuck... right cross and all.

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: Hi guys, sorry about a delay. I had this chapter ready two weeks ago but I didn't really get a chance to post it and then I was away from my computer until yesterday. Anyway, things will hopefully go back to normal now in terms of updates. Thanks for your patience (and your reviews, can forget about those reviews). Take care and thanks for reading,

Alec


	89. Chapter 89

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 89  
(Cottle's POV)

'Okay, that reassessing I was telling Bill about? Right about now would probably be a good time for it,' I tell myself as I realize that we seem to be stuck, though over all I have to admit I am rather pleased with how things have played out here today. Yes, we had one minor bout of stupidity from Apollo, Starbuck is being about as forthcoming as she usually is and I suspect Bill's jaw will be more than a little sore by tomorrow but we have the answers we came for and we are finally in a position to move forward. Besides, even the fact that she took a swing at the Old Man is actually a good thing... at least from one perspective. It tells me that even though the nightmares are an ongoing problem, even in her dreams she is now feeling safe enough to try to fight back.

That, by the way, is the good news.

The bad news is that even though we have the answers we wanted the fact that we got her talking doesn't necessarily mean we are getting through to her and that is a distinction that may not be immediately apparent. Simply put, there are some key aspects in which Kara's perspective is just too different from that of both Adamas for them to be able to communicate effectively and if we are not careful that difference could easily come back to bite us. The possibility that that would happen is one I have been dreading for some time and, if the expression Starbuck is currently wearing is anything to go by, it just did.

The problem is that, no matter how I look at it, I am not convinced I have what it takes to bridge that particular gap either. In fact I am fairly certain that -at least in the short term- the best I'll be able to do is make the Adamas aware of the fact that there is a problem and I am not really sure how far that will get me. As for Starbuck... well, let's just say that there are some rather basic things I doubt that girl is equipped to even begin to understand, like the fact that someone may actually care for her, not for what she can do or what she can give but for **_her_**. She may have been on the _Galactica_ for years -and she may have been an honorary member of the Adama family for almost as long- but that does nothing to change the fact that nothing in her experience has prepared her to understand that particular concept. Now I just have to figure out a way to get Bill and Lee to recognize that without causing them to drown in their own guilt in the process.

That is not going to be easy and I freely admit that -even though this is not exactly unexpected- this is one battle I was hoping we wouldn't have to fight today, not seeing how getting within a light-year of that one is bound to open yet another huge can of worms in terms of both Adamas' responses and that is something I would much rather avoid... or at least it was because one look at Kara is all it takes for me to realize that there is no way we are getting out of this one. The thing is that this is not something I can just explain to her... or to them. That means one side is going to have to spell it out here before the other one can even begin to understand and, seeing how Starbuck is the one less likely to get it in the first place, she is the one best suited to provide us with that initial explanation. Yes, I know that sounds counter-intuitive but in the end it is a lot easier to get a seeing person to realize that a blind man can't tell the difference between black and white than it is to get a blind man to understand the concept of 'blue'.

Of course, there is a lot more to this mess than just coming up with a way to get that particular point across. In fact I can already see two additional issues I am going to have to deal with... whether I want to or not:

The first one has to do with the fact that up until now we have been focusing primarily on three villains -Jonas, Simon and Leoben- and in a way those are the easy ones. Okay, so maybe calling them 'easy' is a stretch but in spite of their differences Jonas and Leoben can be described as being essentially variations on a theme -a theme we have been dealing with from the moment she was wheeled out of surgery- and while Simon's treatment of her can be seen as a perfect example of the cylons' inhumanity, it is also something that is not just devastating but also alien and relatively self-contained... it may force me to make some adjustments in terms of how **_I_** deal with her in the future but its impact on her ability to function on a day to day basis will probably be rather limited. Unfortunately 'familiar', 'alien' and 'self-contained' are not words I would use to describe villain number four, Socrata. Yes, in one way or another she has been lurking in the background from the beginning but now she is about to take center stage and that is going to take things to a completely different level... especially for Bill.

The second problem is not really a new one but that doesn't make it any easier: in order to move forward it's not going to be enough for me to keep Kara from panicking, I am also going to have to figure out a way to trick her into actively cooperating with us but at the same time we are talking Starbuck here and I am realistic enough to realize that she's about as likely to play along as the cylons are to come up to us with a heartfelt apology by tomorrow.

Oh, well, I guess the direct approach was the one less likely to come back to haunt us anyway.

"Spit it out, Starbuck," I begin, knowing that unless she does we are going nowhere fast.

"What?" she asks, sounding more than a little defensive,

"Whatever it is that you are trying to figure out," I all but dare her, hoping against hope that by rephrasing Bill's original question and turning it into something closer to a challenge I will get a different response.


	90. Chapter 90

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 90  
(Kara's POV)

'What the frak is it going to take to get them to back off once and for all?' I wonder. I just want out of this frakking mess, gods damn it! Of course, wanting out doesn't really do me much good and trying to wriggle my way out of this one probably won't get me anywhere either. Hell, let's face it, I tried that one already and the results speak for themselves. I mean, in the last couple of hours I've managed to let slip a hell of a lot more than I intended, cry myself to sleep like a little girl for no frakking reason and punch the Old Man. I think that must be some kind of record -even for me- but apparently that's still not enough, no, Cottle is still pushing. The difference is that this time around I don't have a clue as to what the frak he wants and that means trying to fight him off is going to be even harder... and that is hardly reassuring.

"It's nothing," I say, hoping to come across as defiant rather than defeated or just plain dumb but the truth is that I am both exhausted and confused.

"Don't give me that crap," he pushes, not that I was expecting him to just back off.

"Fine, it's none of your frakking business," I growl, after all it's not like trying to play along has done me much good and asking Cottle -or Lee or the Old Man for that matter- kindly to please leave me alone would be seen as a sign of weakness and that is not something I can afford... now if I could just get them to explain what the frak they want without actually having to ask out loud maybe I'd be able to come up with some sort of strategy here.

"What happened?" insists Cottle.

"It was just a dream," I say, trying to downplay the whole thing.

"It was more than that. It was a nightmare and a pretty vivid one at that," he points out.

"So?"

"You want to talk about it?"

"If I say 'no' will you just let it go?" I ask, not even trying to keep the sarcasm out of my voice.

"Yes, as a matter of fact I will. I am more concerned about what happened when you woke up," he reminds me.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. I can still feel my knuckles... an unwelcome reminder of just how badly I screwed up here.

"And I'm even more interested in what happened **_before_** you fell asleep," he adds.

"'Before'?" I croak and all of a sudden I find myself wondering if maybe it is not too late for me to volunteer to talk about that frakking dream.

"Why were you crying?" he asks, point blank, leaving me no room to maneuver.

Frak! What am I supposed to say to that? I don't know... hell, I don't even understand it myself so how the frak am I supposed to explain it? Well, I guess this is one instance in which silence is truly golden so I just shrug at that. It's not much of an answer and I know it but it's the best I can do under the circumstances.

"You want me to guess?" he asks with a smirk... and here I was wondering if things could possibly get any worse.

"No," I say, glaring at him.

"Then why don't you explain?" he challenges.

"Because I can't," I admit after hesitating for a moment.

"You can't or you won't?" he insists.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because it doesn't make sense!" I snap, knowing it's the wrong thing to say but not really caring... not any more.

"What doesn't make sense?"

"None of it!"

"I know, it's okay," he replies softly and I am left to wonder what the frak just happened here... what kind of trap I just managed to walk into.

"I don't understand," I say, almost against my will. I can't afford to lose control here -not again, gods damn it- but I know I'm on the brink of doing just that.

"What were you thinking?"

"I don't know. I... I don't know."

"You want me to help you trace back your steps?" he asks but I just shake my head at that.

"It's not that," I whisper, not quite knowing how to explain.

"Then what is it?"

"It. Doesn't. Make. Sense!" I repeat, still trying to get my point across.

"Fine, what were you thinking when the Old Man hugged you?" he asks and I have to struggle to keep myself from shaking my head at the realization of just how ridiculous that sounds. I'm supposed to be a soldier and this is what little is left of the military, for frak's sake, and here they are asking me why the frak am I _crying on the Admiral's shoulder_? That's crazy! They should be telling me to shape up, to get a hold of myself, not asking me to share my inner fears. We are at war and there is no place for weakness here... even a screw-up like me knows that much. And that brings me back to the question of why the frak are they here, why the frak would they care?

The truth is that I don't know, and even a cursory look around leaves me -as usual- with more questions than answers, like why am **_I_** here in the first place, in an isolation chamber when we all know I have been well enough to go back to my rack for quite some time now? Why has the Old Man been here every day for hours at a time when he has a frakking battlestar to run? I know just how tight our resources are so why are they wasting so many of them on keeping me from blowing my frakking head off instead of just handing me a gun and telling me to get it over with once and for all?


	91. Chapter 91

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 91  
(Adama's POV)

"What is it, Kara?" I ask, seeing a sudden change come over her features but not quite knowing what to make out of it.

"Why?" she asks, really looking at me for what feels like the first time in ages.

"Why what?"

"I don't know, it's... I don't know," she says, shaking her head before trailing off again. The problem is that I know we can't afford to let it go.

"Just say it."

"Why are you here?" she finally blurts out.

"Because we need to know."

"Why?"

"What do you mean 'why'?"

"It's just that..."

"Just that what?"

"You keep asking all these questions and..."

"And what?" I prod for what feels like the umpteenth time.

"And most of them don't even have to do with the cylons, not really."

"What do you mean?" I ask, trying -without much success- to follow what passes for her line of thought.

"I mean that I may not like it but I can understand why you would want to know what Leoben and Simon did. They are cylons, we are at war, we need any advantage we can get and there may be something in there we can use but Jonas... he has nothing to do with any of this, as far as I know he didn't even make it out of the colonies, for frak's sake, so what's the frakking point?"

"This is not about the cylons. It hasn't been for a while," I point out.

"I don't understand, sir," she says, looking honestly puzzled.

"Maybe a better question would be why do you think we are here, Kara?" I reply, deliberately emphasizing her name in an attempt to keep her from trying to hide behind either rank or military protocol.

"Because I was Leoben's whore," she says.

"I don't **_ever_** want to hear you referring to yourself in those terms again, is that clear?" I snap. Yes, I know we still have a very long way to go and that Kara's response is anything but unexpected -in fact it is one I've heard several times before- but the truth is that I was still caught somewhat off guard by that comment. It's not so much the words themselves that bother me as the certainty with which they were spoken. It's like even after all this time she is still convinced that that's not only how she is perceived but also that that statement is unquestionably true.

"It's the truth, isn't it?" she says, all but echoing my thoughts.

"Is that what you think?" I ask, hoping desperately for some kind of backup from Cottle but knowing the doc well enough to realize that -unless I screw up- I'm probably on my own here.

"Yes."

Okay, so chances are that telling her she is wrong about that won't get me anywhere. That means I'm going to have to try a different approach.

"Why do you say that?" I prod, well aware of the fact that I'm playing a rather dangerous game here but knowing that I have to keep pushing.

"Because I was," she insists.

"So you were getting paid?"

"No, I..." she begins but I interrupt her.

"That's the definition of 'a whore', so either you were or you weren't," I point out.

"I..."

"So, based on that definition, were you really Leoben's whore?" I insist, almost choking on the words.

"No," she grudgingly admits.

"So what were you?"

"I don't know."

"Were you his lover? Did you love him? Is that what this is about?"

"No!"

"Fair enough, so what about his mistress or his wife?"

"No, I..."

"Okay then, so if you weren't his whore, his lover, his mistress or his wife what word would you use to describe your relationship with him?" I push.

"I don't know, gods damn it!"

"What about 'prisoner'?"

"But I didn't fight him!"

"The freedom to say 'no' is a prerequisite of consent but you didn't have that freedom back on New Caprica, did you?" I remind her, trying to keep her from reverting to her usual position.

"No," she admits, almost reluctantly.

"And you did fight him. As much as you could... and -going by what you told us- probably more than you should have," I point out, even as I try to keep myself from remembering the price she had to pay for that defiance. There are too many things that have been revealed here today but I can't afford to dwell on the details... not right now.

"It wasn't enough!" she insists.

"So what else do you think you could have done?"

"Maybe I shouldn't have wasted my time trying to kill him!"

"What do you mean?"

'I mean maybe I was focusing on the wrong frakking target all along. I couldn't kill him, not without him coming back and I knew that. He made sure I was aware of that little fact almost from the beginning. Hell, for the most part the bastard didn't even care how many times I killed him. He thought my pathetic attempts to get rid of him were frakking hilarious but he wasn't the only one there. I could have put an end to it... it would have been so easy..."

"Do you really think they would have let you?"

"I should have done it... after I'd killed him... before he came back. I was alone then... I had the chance," she says, almost to herself.

"And you really think that would have been the answer?" I ask, knowing instinctively that I have to keep her talking... and that I have to fight the urge to grab her by the shoulders and physically shake some sense into her.

"I don't know... maybe."

"What would you have gained?"

"It... it would have been over, wouldn't it? He wouldn't have been able to..." she trails off.

"Able to what, Kara?" I ask, even though I am fairly certain I know what it is she **_isn't_** saying.

"I could have made him stop," she finally whispers.

"Maybe, but at what price? It's over now, you got out... you survived, you lived to fight another day," I tell her, even though I know that's not entirely true, it's not over and she is not out -not by a long shot- but she **_is_** alive and that in itself is something I'm incredibly grateful for.


	92. Chapter 92

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1. **_

Chapter 92  
(Cottle's POV)

'Well, I guess the good news is that apparently, when pushed hard enough, Bill **_is_** willing to push back,' I tell myself, still fighting the urge to chuckle at her reaction when he asked her if she was getting paid. Of course, the bad news is that he still seems reluctant to keep pushing past that initial shove but I guess that is not entirely unexpected, not seeing how his last attempt to get tough on the girl almost killed her, and that means it's probably going to be up to me to keep up that pressure... though he did provide me with a very nice opening in that regard.

"Where did you get the idea that you were Leoben's whore? Did he ever call you that?" I ask, though I am fairly certain that was not the case.

"Not really," she confirms.

"But someone did."

"There was no-one else there... I mean, Kacey was there but she was too young and Simon but..."

"But what?"

"But in order to call me a whore he would have had to talk to me and he never said anything... not a frakking word!"

"So who called you 'a whore'?" I insist.

"Other than half the fleet? I mean, let's face it, even before New Caprica no one was likely to mistake me for a frakking vestal," she snorts.

"And what about Jonas? Did he...?"

"Sometimes," she admits before I can even finish that question.

"But he wasn't the only one and he wasn't the first one either, was he?" I prod.

"No," she whispers.

"Who was it, Kara?"

"My mom," she admits after hesitating for a moment. "She always said I'd never be anything but a whore."

"And how old were you?"

"I don't know... sometimes she..." she trails off.

"She what?" I insist, not knowing if what she is saying is an answer to my question or if she is going off on some sort of tangent here.

"She would make me repeat it, over and over again."

"And you did?"

"Well, it's not like refusing was much of a choice. Hell, at the time I don't think I even knew what a 'whore' was, not really... I just knew it was something bad so it wasn't that big a deal and..."

"And what?"

"And I just wanted her to stop," she finishes, her words echoing what she said a few minutes ago about Leoben. She wanted her mother to stop only she could no more stop Socrata than she could stop Jonas or Leoben. Frak, no wonder the girl is such a mess... the problem is that I can't afford to leave it at that, not if I want to get through to Apollo and the Old Man.

"Stop what?" I ask.

"Nothing," she says, apparently becoming aware of just how much she has revealed already.

"What was she doing?"

"When?"

"When she made you tell her that you would never be anything but a whore."

"Usually, beating the crap out of me."

"Usually?"

"What, you thought it was a one time deal?" she snorts.

"No, I guess it wasn't."

"Hell, it's not like I didn't deserve it," she says, with a small shrug and with more defiance than bitterness in her voice.

"What do you mean?"

"Let's just say that my being a pain in the ass is not exactly a new development and leave it at that."

"What did you do to deserve it?" I prod, keeping my voice as neutral as I can, even as I shoot a warning glare Bill's way. I can see he is about to say something and while I definitely understand where he is coming from, right now we have to keep her talking... and in order to do **_that_** our best bet is to keep her attention as far away from both Adamas as we possibly can. Simply put, I don't think she would be anywhere near this forthcoming if she were to be reminded of their presence here. Unfortunately I don't think the Old Man will be able to bite his tongue for much longer either so I steel myself for the inevitable outburst.

"I was bad..." she says, sounding about five.

"You were **_not_** bad," Bill jumps in, right on schedule.

"I was... too dumb... too loud... never learned to keep my head down," she insists, and even though I have to agree with the last one of those statements, somehow I don't think that should have been a punishable offense.

"You. Did. Not. Deserve. That," he insists, punctuating every word though I suspect it's going to take a lot more than that to get through to her so I decide to go for a different approach.

"What do you mean you were 'too loud'?" I ask.

"My mom... she hated it when I startled her and I knew it but..."

"But what?"

"But I was too loud, or maybe too quiet... I don't know. Sometimes I'd wake her up... she would get so mad. I should have been more careful," she finishes.

"And what did she do when she got mad, when she woke up? Can you give me an example?" I insist, being as careful as I can with how I phrase things. The truth is that I am deeply troubled by the fact that she keeps shifting from her usual cocky attitude to one that can almost be described as 'child-like'. That is not a good sign and the fact that she just won't settle in either of those extremes only serves to complicate matters even further by making it all but impossible for me to pinpoint what the appropriate tone should be at any given time.

"Sometimes she would grab my arms, lift me up and slam my back against the wall, over and over again... I hated that. I mean, I know it's stupid but when she was hitting me or throwing things at me I could at least try to get away or maybe roll with the punches or something but the moment she grabbed me, the moment my feet were off the ground, there wasn't a frakking thing I could do," she explains and I can't stop myself from visualizing the scene even as my brain provides me with a very detailed list of the injuries a small child could easily have sustained as a result of such an assault.


	93. Chapter 93

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 93  
(Adama's POV)

"How long did that go on?" I jump in.

"Go on?"

"How old were you the first time your mother hit you or slammed you against the wall like that?" I ask, not quite believing the direction this conversation has taken.

"I don't know... three, maybe four, I guess. I don't really remember," she says with a shrug, as if a small child facing that kind of violence were the most natural thing in the world.

"And when did it stop?"

"When I was fourteen, I guess... it didn't stop, not really, but things got better after that."

"What changed?" I insist, still trying to put the pieces together.

"I was on the team," comes the rather unhelpful reply.

"The team?"

"The school team, it was my second year playing pyramid and the coach..."

"What did he do?" I all but growl, getting ready to add yet another name to the list of men I wish the cylons hadn't killed before I could get my hands on them.

"For my first year I managed to trick my mom into signing the consent form without too much trouble but the next time around I couldn't get her to do it, when she tried to keep me out of the team, he actually stood up to her and told her that she could either sign the consent form to let me play or she could expect a visit from family services in the very near future. He actually got her to do it... I couldn't believe it... she beat the crap out of me the moment he was out the door but she had already signed so it was definitely worth it."

"He should have filed that complaint anyway," I say, unable to keep the bitterness out of my voice. Yes, I am grateful for the fact that someone finally saw it fit to intervene -and I'm definitely relieved by the fact that I don't have to add yet another name to that list after all- but at the same time I am all too aware that it was not enough... it was nowhere near enough.

"And then what? I mean, I was fourteen, the school had labeled me a lost cause from the time I was about six and my file was thicker than the one you have here so it wasn't like there would have been families lining at the door, fighting for the privilege to take me in. I had nowhere to go and the way he saw it, as long as he didn't say anything he could at least keep an eye on me. Besides, my mom knew there was someone watching so she pretty much left me alone after that, sure I still had to dodge the occasional flying bottle but that was about it. If he had said anything the 'best' I could have hoped for would have been a foster home and even then chances are I would have been forced to transfer to a different school."

"And what about your mom's boyfriends," I insist, remembering all too well how she told us she was about fourteen when the men her mother brought into her life began taking a more active interest in her.

"He didn't know about that... not at first."

"'Not at first'?" I repeat.

"No, but..."

"But what?"

"He may not have known about my mom's boyfriends but he sure as hell heard about it when I started sleeping around in school," she mutters.

"I take it that didn't go over well."

"No, he..."

"He what?"

"He reacted pretty much like you did but I couldn't really tell him what was going on either so I was basically stuck."

"What did he do?"

"He called me on it. He made me see that risking everything I had worked so hard for for a one night stand was stupid but at the time I couldn't bring myself to tell him **_why_** I was doing it either so I told him that my mom had always said that I'd never be anything but a whore. It was the only thing I could think of to get him to back off but then he asked me if I wanted to prove her right or prove her wrong. That got me thinking but the problem was that my choices remained the same. No matter what he said it wasn't a choice between proving her right or proving her wrong, it was a choice between going home and putting up with her boyfriends or finding someone who would have me for the night. Eventually I fessed up and he told me that I was more than welcome to crash on his couch for as long as I wanted to and that he would even throw in dinner and breakfast to sweeten the deal as long as I was crashing there alone. I couldn't believe it. I know it doesn't sound like much but... for the first time ever I didn't have to be afraid when I went to sleep. I knew my mom wasn't going to walk in in the middle of the night, barely able to stand and blaming me for ruining her life and that I wouldn't have to fight off yet another one of her boyfriends who saw me as a nice fringe benefit... but, as crazy as it sounds, feeling safe still took some getting used to."

"So you were actually living with him?"

"Sort of."

"And your mother didn't object?"

"She might have if she'd ever sobered up long enough to notice but I don't think she ever did."

"How could she **_not_** know that you were no longer living with her?"

"Well, even before the coach took me in I wasn't exactly spending the night at her place, though I did keep my junk there. That didn't change... and she'd never been one to ask where the frak I'd been anyway. By the time I was sixteen I had grown too big for her to take her frustrations out on me. She would try sometimes, especially when she was so drunk she could barely stand, but by that time I was stronger than she was and I hardly ever went home anyway so I rarely ever saw her. Besides, she didn't want to see me any more than I wanted to see her so we had come to a sort of agreement: as long as I stayed away from her and didn't ask her for anything, as long as I made it easy for her to pretend that she didn't have a daughter, she didn't particularly care what I did."

"I see," I say, somewhat taken aback by the fact that, if her words are anything to go by, to this day she is still convinced that that neglect was actually a good thing. Of course, considering the context maybe that's not entirely unexpected.


	94. Chapter 94

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 94  
(Lee's POV)

I am so frakking angry that I can barely see straight but I know better than to let it show. The problem is that right now I'm too angry to even know who it is that I'm supposed to be mad at in the first place. Am I mad at her mother? Yes, undoubtedly, but there is more to it than that. I am also mad at all those bastards Socrata brought into her daughter's life, Jonas and all the rest. I'm angry at the boys who took advantage of the situation back when she was sixteen. I am angry at the cylons for what they did on New Caprica, but then again that is nothing new and I am mad as hell at my dad and Cottle for pushing her like they are, for taking advantage of the fact that she is totally exhausted and in no shape to fight them off right now. I am also angry at Kara, for her acceptance, for not telling me, for not realizing that she deserved a lot better than she got and finally I am angry at myself for not seeing what was right in front of me all along.

That, in a way, is the one I'm having the most trouble trying to come to terms with. Yes, I know she didn't say anything -in fact I can even see how much practice she's had over the years when it comes to keeping people at arm's length- but I really should have known better. Hell, in a way I did. Maybe not the details but I did know that something wasn't right, that there was no way Kara and Starbuck added up to a whole... and that should have been enough for me to recognize that I was missing something.

"It wasn't that bad," she says.

"How can you say that?" I growl, unable to contain myself any longer.

"Because it wasn't."

"So getting slammed against a wall was your idea of fun?" I challenge.

"No, but..."

"But what?"

"It wasn't everything!"

"No, of course, there were also the bastards the bitch brought home with her. We can't forget about those!"

"That's enough, both of you!" Cottle interrupts us.

"It wasn't everything," she insists.

"No, it wasn't," the doc agrees, glaring at me, and even though I can see that I just stepped way over the line I am not quite ready to back down just yet.

"I had my coach and my team... it wasn't so bad," she insists.

"So playing pyramid was a big part of your life back then?" asks the doctor in an obvious attempt to defuse the situation.

"Yes, it was..." she trails off.

"What was it?"

"It was the first thing I was ever good at. I made the team in my first year."

"That's somewhat unusual isn't it?"

"Well, I was small, fast and I knew how to duck and take a fall. That definitely helped... teamwork, on the other hand, wasn't really my thing. That used to drive the coach crazy, but I loved playing. When I was in the court I was in control, no one could touch me then... not to mention that training was as good an excuse as any to keep from going home."

"I see,"

"It was good. It may have taken some getting used to but the guys were nice... especially Ty, though he used to drive me crazy."

"Ty?" I ask, wondering just who the frak that was.

"He was the first real friend I ever had," she explains before going on. "I met him when I first joined the team. Everyone was older than me by at least three years... they were at least sixteen so I was kind of the team's mascot. Anyway, Ty was one of the guys and he appointed himself as my personal bodyguard right from the start. He was this really big guy and he would go out of his way to make sure no one was picking on me, especially the upper classmen who were convinced that I had taken **_their_** spot in the team. At first I didn't know what to make of him, he was nice enough, I guess, but I was used to taking care of myself and to tell you the truth he scared the crap out of me."

"Why?"

"Because he would come up from behind and all of a sudden he'd be tickling me, or I would find myself in a headlock or something like that with no warning whatsoever. Everyone else had caught on pretty early on to the fact that I just wanted to be left alone and, even though they did keep an eye out for me, they were careful not to startle me... Ty just didn't care and no matter how hard I tried to glare at him he would just laugh it off and ruffle my hair. It took me a while to get used to him but eventually I realized that he really wasn't going to hurt me."

"But you weren't dating him, were you?" I ask, trying to make sense of their relationship.

"Are you kidding me? I think he saw me more like an annoying little sister than anything else. Besides, he was five years older than me so our coach would have had his hide if he had dared to try anything... which is kind of funny when you think about it."

"And was there anything else you were good at?" I ask, desperately trying not to think of just how funny that wasn't.

"Painting, I guess... I got into it pretty much by accident when I took a class out of sheer boredom but I fell in love with it almost immediately. It was... I don't know..." she says.

"An outlet?" asks Cottle.

"I don't know, I guess, maybe, but it was more than that. Back then I used to think of it kind of like screaming in silence."

"'Screaming in silence'?" repeats the doc.

"A little melodramatic, I know but..."

"But what?"

"But at least it was safe," she finally admits.

"Compared to what?" I growl.

"Music, that was definitely too loud," she says with a shrug.

"And where there 'consequences' for being too loud?" I insist.

"There are no free passes, don't you know that?"

"Don't play games with me, Kara, not now."

"My mom... she caught me playing the piano once," she admits after hesitating for a moment and apparently coming to the realization that there is no way out. The problem is that we've been in this spot often enough by now for me to realize almost immediately that that is **_not_** a good thing.

"And what did she do?" I ask, already dreading what her answer is going to be.

"Nothing," she lies, looking down at her hands.

"Your fingers," whispers Cottle.

"What about her fingers?" growls my dad, much to my relief, especially because I'm wondering the same thing and I know he stands a much better chance to have his questions answered than I do.

* * *

**_Author's notes:_** Hi guys, first of all, sorry for the delay, unfortunately this chapter underwent a last minute revision and as a result I was unable to get it out on time. Also I wanted to explain that this story uses my own fic 'Shards' as a starting point for Kara's childhood and that that story was written long before 'Maelstrom' aired. As a result there are some elements here that don't quite fit the show's canon.

Okay, that's it for now, as always thanks for reading (and reviewing),

Alec


	95. Chapter 95

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 95  
(Cottle's POV)

Bill's question is enough to make me realize that I just crossed the line here. Yes, I am not above cajoling Starbuck into revealing some things I know she would much rather keep to herself when the need arises but at the same time I am supposed to abide by certain rules when it comes to doctor/patient confidentiality and in that regard mentioning her fingers in front of Apollo and the Old Man was almost certainly a mistake. Unfortunately it's done and there's no turning back now... and that in turn means I'm back to cajoling her because while I realize that they'll have to be told -and that that would almost certainly have been the case even if I **_hadn't_** slipped- the fact remains that this is not my story to tell.

"It's not my place," I say, looking at Bill and knowing that there's no way he is just going to let it go.

"I repeat, what about her fingers?" he insists.

"I can't tell you that," I explain, hoping he will get the hint, though realistically I am aware that the chances that that will happen are close to nil.

"Kara?" he asks, turning his attention back to Starbuck who just glares at me.

"They will find out one way or another," I point out.

"And whose fault is that?" she mutters... not that I blame her.

"Can I tell them or would you rather do it yourself?" I ask, knowing I am putting her in an untenable position here but seeing no other way out of this one, for either of us.

"Neither."

"Not an option."

"She broke them," she blurts out.

"'Broke them'? repeats Bill, who apparently hasn't caught on to the magnitude of what she just told him, not that that's particularly surprising... not considering how she went about it.

"My... my fingers," she manages to get out.

"How many?" he asks her when the significance of those words finally sinks in, looking rather green but she just looks at me as if pleading for help and after she gives me a small nod I say.

"All ten of them."

"How long have you known that?" growls Bill turning his attention back to me and looking far from pleased.

"Found out when I x-rayed her hands after she crashed on that moon," I admit.

"And you didn't think that was something I had a right to know?"

"Last time I checked there was still such a thing as doctor/patient confidentiality," I remind him, though I seriously doubt that's going to get me out of this one.

"How old was she?"

"I can't tell you that, not exactly."

"Kara?" he asks, apparently remembering the fact that she's actually here, something I seriously doubt she's grateful for.

"Eight. It was... it was my birthday," she says after a small hesitation and even I have to fight the urge to cringe at that little reminder of the fact that there was no such thing as being 'safe' for her when she was growing up, that her mother was always there... always.

"What happened?"

"I was stupid. She caught me playing my dad's piano, slammed the lid down, hard... my hands were in the way. The lid won, end of story."

"Music was too loud?" whispers Apollo, apparently thinking back to what she told him a few minutes ago.

"I should really have known better than that," she says with a shrug.

"And were those the only broken bones?" asks Bill, looking at both of us but Kara just shakes her head at that.

"Doc?" he prods.

"Both arms -with the right one probably being broken more than once- and several ribs... at least," I finally admit, knowing that's not going to go over well.

"Care to define 'at least'?"

"There may well have been some hairline fractures along the way, to say nothing of concussions and soft tissue damage, but that's hardly the point," I remind him. Yes, the girl's childhood was far from pleasant, I think I can safely say that we established that a long time ago but whether her mother managed to break ten, fifteen or twenty of her bones is not likely to change anything here.

"It wasn't so bad," insist Starbuck for what feels like the hundredth time... though why she would expect that to go over better this time around than it did in her ninety nine previous attempts is a mystery as far as I'm concerned. Yes, it is true that by picking the most horrifying moments of what is a very twisted tale to begin with we are getting a deeply distorted picture here -and I freely admit that that's the last thing Starbuck or the Adamas need if they are to reach some sort of understanding- but at the same time there is no denying that it was bad enough, even if she is not willing to acknowledge it.

In a way it is odd. Logic would seem to suggest that with Starbuck's stubborn determination to downplay the magnitude of the whole thing and the Adamas equally stubborn determination to blow everything completely out of proportion it shouldn't be all that hard to strike some sort of balance between them. If nothing else their extreme positions should leave us plenty of room in which to find a common ground, unfortunately that would also require a compromise and so far a 'compromise' seems far from likely because in order to reach it someone would have to back down from their current position first and backing down is high on the list of things neither side seems particularly inclined to do.


	96. Chapter 96

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 96  
(Adama's POV)

I follow Cottle to his office, still trying to wrap my mind around everything we've learned here today. It's a familiar place and unfortunately this has also become an uncomfortably familiar position for me to find myself in, especially since New Caprica. The past couple of hours have been rough to say the least but at least we got the answers we wanted, or maybe it would be more accurate to say that we got the answers we didn't want... either way we got ourselves some answers. That's the good news... the bad news is that now we have to figure out what the frak we are supposed to do with them and so far I don't have a frakking clue.

It had taken me a while to get used to the idea of what Jonas had done to her but in spite of that I was completely blindsided by what we found out today about Socrata... and the fact remains that I hate being blindsided, something I am fairly certain Cottle is well aware of. Yes, I know he tries to abide by doctor patient confidentiality as long as that is not detrimental to his patients well-being but at the same time I also know he is not above bending those rules when the need arises and he could certainly have warned us about this one, and I don't mean in these past few days either. He's known about it for well over a year now, gods damn it!

Of course, that brings me to the question of how the hell did I manage to miss something of the magnitude of what that bitch had done. That's a tricky one and the truth is that I don't know. In fact I am still trying to figure that one out myself. I am certainly not naive enough not to have known all along that parents sometimes do hurt their own children and I was also aware of the fact that Kara's mother had at best looked the other way when it came to what was going on with Jonas. I had even come to accept that that had been deliberate on her part but I had never really considered the possibility that she might have actively hurt her daughter, maybe because I was so focused on the sexual aspect of the whole thing. Of course, looking back I can see that I probably should have seen it coming from miles away, after all it wasn't like there weren't plenty of clues.

Hell, Kara herself had all but told us that that had been the case, maybe not in so many words but when she first told us about Jonas she mentioned that when he hit her it that wasn't so bad because she knew she could take it, she even went so far as to tell us that it wasn't the first time she had been hit like that but at the time I was too horrified to ask what should have been the obvious follow-up question: 'and who had hit you like that before?' Now I know... in more detail than I care to contemplate.

The image of that woman deliberately slamming a piano lid on her daughter's hands is one I am having a hard time trying to get out of my mind and I can't help but wonder how is it possible that no one noticed what was going on, especially not considering the number and the extent of the injuries Kara sustained over the years... though deep down I suspect that the answer to that particular question is an obvious one: they noticed and yet they did nothing. Someone -probably more than one someone- must have been aware of what was going on and deliberately chose to look the other way. They figured it was none of their business, they figured it was better to allow a child to suffer than to take a stand, though luckily in the end someone did... her coach. He took her in and he probably took a considerable personal risk by doing so. After all, if anyone had caught wind of what was going on he could easily have had his whole life destroyed and yet he did it. He kept her safe, he kept her on the straight and narrow and that almost certainly saved her life... in more ways than one.

Would I have dared to do the same if I had been in his position? It's hard to say. I don't know, I'd like to think that I would have but I am also honest enough with myself to realize that that is almost certainly a lie, or at least that I wouldn't have gotten involved to that extent. I would probably have gone through the proper channels in an attempt to get her out of that environment, I may even have gone so far as to call my father to find out if there was some way in which I could hope to secure custody of her but that would probably have been it and chances are that even if I had been successful that wouldn't have been enough. Not by that time. As Kara said, by the time she was sixteen she was out of options -damaged goods by most people's standards, including her own- but I suspect that it went deeper than that. By doing what he did her coach not only managed to keep her safe but he also demonstrated that some people can actually be trusted and, precisely because of the unconventional way in which he went about it, he proved to her beyond a shadow of a doubt that he thought she was worth risking everything for, that she was worth saving regardless of what the personal cost might be, and that probably did her more good than the mere act of providing her with a safe couch to crash on could ever have.


	97. Chapter 97

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 97  
(Lee's POV)

This is crazy.

Kara and I are circling warily around each other, not quite knowing what to say or what to do now that we are alone. I guess in a way it was to be expected but that doesn't make the situation any less awkward... for either of us. I heard a lot of things I didn't want to hear today but then again -as uncomfortable as that might make me- I know that's nothing compared to how painful the whole ordeal must have been from her perspective. She was forced to tell us a lot of things she would much rather have kept to herself and now she's going to have to learn to live with the fact that we know, something I'm sure will only add to her discomfort, at least until she can get used to the idea. The question now becomes where do we go from here? How the frak are we supposed to move forward with all this shit standing between us? I don't know. In fact I can honestly say that I don't have a frakking clue. What I do know is that the one thing Cottle has been trying to beat into our skulls pretty much from day one is that even though what we have learned in these past few weeks regarding her past is news to us, it is also ancient history as far as she is concerned. From a rational perspective I get that but at the same time I am having a very hard time being rational about any of this.

Oh, I know what I want to do, that's easy enough. I want to hold her and not let go. I want to feel her in my arms and know that she is alive and that she is safe but at the same time I know that is the one thing I can least afford to do... not if I don't want her to hand me my head on a platter. Right now she is too upset for me to try anything like that, especially because I know her well enough to know that when she is upset she gets defensive and when she gets defensive it's best to tread carefully or -even better- run the other way. Frak, after everything we heard here today I can even understand where she's coming from but that doesn't mean that having to fight my way through her defenses time and time again is not frustrating as hell.

Well, on a positive note I have to say that for the first time ever I feel like I know where the frak she's coming from and maybe, just maybe, that will eventually make it possible for me to anticipate her next move and stay out of the line of fire, though before that can happen I'm going to have to find a way to wrap my mind around this one... and, seeing how that's something I've been trying to do for a while without much success, I'm not particularly optimistic in that regard.

The good news is that right now she's just too tired for that to become much of an issue. The bad news is that an emotionally drained Kara is not one I'm itching to face, not to mention that her exhaustion is not likely to buy me more than a momentary respite so I better have something remotely resembling a defined strategy by the time she wakes up... though in that regard I suspect that the fact that I'm too upset to even think of sleeping will wind up working to my advantage by giving me a chance to do just that and maybe -just maybe- once the dust settles we will find ourselves in a position that will make it possible for us to actually start moving forward.

Coming up with a strategy, moving forward... it all sounds so simple, the problem is that it is anything but. Kara's past may not have changed but what I've learned does matter and it will most certainly make a difference and color my responses from now on, whether I like it or not. So how do I acknowledge that fact without doing any additional damage in the process? Is that even possible? I don't know but I have to accept the possibility that it may not be and that scares the crap out of me.

So how the frak am I supposed to approach this one? My first instinct would be to pretend that nothing has changed but that's what I've been doing all along and I have no reason to believe it's going to work any better going forward than it has up to this point. That leaves trying to talk to her, just the two of us, without Cottle or my father to act as a buffer or run interference. That is about the only thing I **_haven't_** tried but the truth is that I haven't tried it for a reason: the stakes are high, maybe too high. Unfortunately the more I think about it, the more apparent it becomes that I don't really have a choice, because unless Kara and I can manage to pinpoint exactly where the other stands we will remain as we are now, circling warily around each other, not quite knowing what to say or do now that we are alone and that is just not an option...not for me anyway. The problem is that even though this is my choice the life that's actually on the line is hers.

Okay, come to think of it, maybe it's not just hers. After all, while it is true that trying to hold Kara in my arms would only serve to get her to hand me my head on a platter, I can also be sure that if I were to screw this up Cottle would have my head... and chances are he wouldn't even bother with that platter.


	98. Chapter 98

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 98  
(Cottle's POV)

I pour myself a shot of the Chief's brew and hand Bill another one as he sits down across from me. That catches him somewhat off guard.

"Doctor's orders," I say with a shrug.

He downs it in one gulp and I do the same. I don't usually drink -can't afford to, not without the certainty that I'm not going to be called into surgery within a moment's notice... a certainty that's been hard to come by since the worlds ended- but I have to admit that after today I definitely needed that.

Yes, that was necessary but it was also far from pleasant and I am certainly relieved by the fact that the whole thing is behind us. Oh, most of the things she told us didn't really come as much of a surprise but there were some details I was missing. Now we have a more complete picture not just of what she went through but also of how she managed to survive.

Well, at least we are back to one on one and that is a relief. It may have been unavoidable but putting both Adamas and Starbuck in a room and trying to deal with the three of them at once was not more fun for me than it was for any of them.

"Ask," I say after I set down my glass. I can see Bill hesitate, still trying to make sense of things, trying to get the shards in front of him to form a coherent picture. The problem is that there's not rationalizing this, no making sense out of it, no way to fix it or make it better.

"What she said about... 'mechanics'... how bad was it, really?" He blurts out. Well, I did tell him to ask so I guess I can't really complain though that's not quite the opening I was expecting, though maybe I should have.

"Bad, especially at first," I reply, knowing that there's no point in trying to sugar-coat this one. "It's hard to say anything more specific than that but the scene she described when we first brought the subject up was a fairly violent one and -as she pointed out- the difference in their respective body masses would have played to Jonas's advantage. Let's not kid ourselves, she was a child, her body was not developed enough for the things he made her do, though at the same time it could probably have been much worse."

"Worse?"

"She survived and no-one noticed. That means chances are she never sustained a serious injury as a result. Let's face it, an eight year-old with ten broken fingers crushed by a piano lid can be dismissed as an accident but a ten year-old with vaginal tearing severe enough to require medical attention would have been much harder to ignore."

"That bad?" he asks, apparently realizing for the first time the extent of the damage that bastard could a done.

"Yes, in fact her description of Jonas as having some two feet on her and outweighing her by something like three to one may not have been much of a stretch. That means that the potential for considerable damage was there all along and the fact that he apparently got off on her pain is not particularly reassuring."

"Gods!"

"If it makes you feel any better I can tell you that the fact that he got off on her pain was probably a good thing."

"What? How can you say that?"

"Because it's the truth? Because based on what she's told us so far I think it's safe to say that there were no mind-games involved? That may not seem like that big a deal to you but it does matter. Yes, Jonas took whatever he wanted and there wasn't a frakking thing she could do about it but at the same time she knew that much and he didn't toy with her need for affection, he didn't tell her he loved her... he didn't ask her to give him anything. He hurt her, there's no denying that, but pain is relatively simple and it is also something she was already intimately familiar with by the time Jonas came into her life. What she told us today... in a way it confirms what we already suspected: by doing what he did Jonas caused a disconnect between sex and love in her mind that enabled her to survive not just the men who came after him -who, going by what she told us, probably **_were_** into those kinds of games- but also Leoben. Granted, the price she had to pay was high and that disconnect is far from healthy but it did keep her alive."

"It's just that..."

"That you wish it could have been different? That you wish she could have been spared the whole ordeal?"

"Yes."

"And if she had she would almost certainly be dead by now. Let's not kid ourselves, one variable knocked out of place and chances are she would not have survived the destruction of the colonies. One in a million people made it through -you know that as well as I do- and even if she had managed to beat those odds somehow chances are she would not have survived Leoben," I remind him, knowing Bill well enough to know exactly what's going through his mind.

"I know but... I don't know."

"She's your daughter."

"Yes, not by blood..."

"Something I'm sure your son is infinitely grateful for," I say, knowing that 'brotherly' is **_not_** the first word that comes to mind when describing the relationship between Starbuck and Apollo. 'Complicated'? Yes. 'Frakked up'? Without a doubt. 'Brotherly'? Not a chance.

"I feel like I failed her, like I should have been there to protect her," he admits.

"You didn't even know her, not back then," I point out, even though I know it's useless.

"I know it's crazy."

"Not crazy, maybe human," I tell him... not that there's much of a difference between those two, not as far as I can tell.


	99. Chapter 99

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 99  
(Kara's POV)

I'm pretty much dead on my feet but the look of concern in Lee's eyes is driving me nuts and the way I see it I may just as well get this shit out of the way once and for all... especially because the one thing we don't have here is a frakking curtain I can close. That's just about the only thing I miss from my rack. Weird, considering that I'm whining about my lack of privacy in the closest thing to a private room I'm likely to get.

"It's no big deal," I say, not even knowing why I bother.

"Gods, Kara, how can you out of all people say that?"

"Because it isn't?" I mean, I know it sounds bad but..."

"'Sounds bad'?" he interrupts me, looking at me as if I'd suddenly grown a second head.

"What do you want me to do? Curl into a ball and spend the rest of my life saying 'poor me'? It happened, it's over, now would you just let it go?"

"It's not so frakking simple! That bastard..."

"Which one?" I ask, trying hard not to laugh at how stupid this whole thing sounds.

"You think this is some kind of joke?"

"Maybe a cosmic one," I reply with a shrug, too frakking tired to try to be reasonable. Hell, maybe that's the problem, that everyone is trying to be too frakking reasonable.

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Don't try to push me away."

"That's rich! You are the one that refuses to back down, the one that keeps pushing for answers," I point out.

"Maybe but..."

"But what?"

"But I'm just trying to understand," he pleads and I realize for the first time that he is as tired of this shit as I am. The problem is that I don't know if I can explain.

"It's my life. I don't know, I mean, it may be a cosmic joke or something, but it's my life."

"You don't even see it, do you?"

"See what?"

"How wrong it was."

"Maybe, I don't know. Listen, I know it wasn't **_normal_**, or at least a part of me does but..." I trail off.

"But what?"

"But it wasn't that big a deal either," I insist feeling like a broken record but not knowing how to explain. Frak, maybe this is all a mistake. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to tackle this one now, Not being as tired as I am but I just wanted to put this shit behind me once and for all... of course, maybe the fact that I thought that was even possible is in itself a testament to just how out of it I really am. I mean, we are talking Apollo here, for frak's sake, and his legendary ability to' just let go' is **_not_** exactly what he's known for.

"Gods, you really believe that, don't you?"

"It may seem wrong to you but back then it didn't feel that way... even now..."

"No, it doesn't **_seem_** wrong, it **_was_** wrong," he interrupts me.

"Maybe, but even if it was I never really knew it. I remember back when I was in second grade. My teacher hated my guts. I kept fidgeting on my chair, distracting everyone in the process and no matter what she did she just couldn't get me to pay attention. That used to drive her crazy. I kept getting in trouble but what I couldn't understand was how the other kids could possibly manage to sit so still for so long... it never really occurred to me that they could sit so still for so long because their backs and butts weren't covered in bruises. I just thought that was the way things were... it took me a couple of years to figure out that that wasn't really the case. For me that was normal, it was the only life I'd ever known and as far as I was concerned my mom beating the crap out of me wasn't really that big a deal."

"And now?" he asks, almost pleading with me to tell him that now everything is different, but I can't.

"Now I may know better but no matter how I look at it, it still doesn't feel like that big a deal," I say, knowing he won't understand... and also knowing it's not quite true.

I know what happened when I was little shaped me in more ways that I'll ever know but that's precisely the point, that I'll never know. I am who I am and playing the 'if only' game' is not going to get us anywhere, end of story... or maybe not. I remember back on Caprica, in that farm, how SImon told me that women with my history are reluctant to have children because they are afraid they are just going to perpetuate that pattern and deep down I know that -at least on that count- the bastard had a point, but then again that too is part of who I am... though maybe not as much as it used to be.

That's kind of ironic seeing how that's one of those things that changed after New Caprica, after Kacey. No, I don't want a kid, especially not considering the risks we face and what our lives are like, but at the same time that notion no longer fills me with the kind of dread it once did.


	100. Chapter 100

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 100  
(Lee's POV)

'Why did I ever expect Kara out of all people to just play along?' I find myself wondering as my carefully constructed strategy collapses all around me thanks to the fact that Kara suddenly decided that now is the perfect time to get this crap out in the open. Oh, I know better than to waste this chance but still it would be nice if for once she would do what I expect her to. It would also be nice if she were to give me a few minutes to wrap my mind around any of this shit but of course she wouldn't be Starbuck if she were to do that.

The problem is that no matter how hard I try I just can't imagine surviving half the things she's been through but at the same time I know I can't afford to pity her... not if I don't want to drive her away. So how the frak am I supposed to balance those two? I don't know.

Oh, from a rational perspective I can understand what she's saying but the idea that for a seven year-old the notion that her classmates could sit still because they hadn't been beaten black and blue was unthinkable is, well, unthinkable... and yet I know she's not lying. In fact I know that in a really twisted kind of way what she's saying is perfectly reasonable.

"It was your world," I finally say, hoping that that statement will be deemed neutral enough to keep me from digging myself into an even deeper hole.

"Yes. It may not be pretty but..."

"But what?"

"But it made me who I am. I mean if it hadn't been for my mom and Jonas... they taught me. As creepy and as crazy as it sounds they taught me some things I really had to learn, things that have kept me alive. If it weren't for them there's no way in hell I would ever have survived New Caprica."

"I don't believe that!" I exclaim, utterly horrified at the thought.

"I know you don't but it's the truth," she says, not getting angry, just stating a fact and sounding incredibly tired.

"How come?" I ask, deciding to play along, at least for now.

"My mom, she would get angry and beat the crap out of me... she taught me how to take a hit, how to roll with the punches. That was the first step but Jonas..."

"What did the bastard 'teach you'?" I growl, feeling almost sick but realizing that I have to know... and that this is the only chance I'm likely to get.

"To go to the pain. My mom... she would come after me and there was nothing I could do about that but Jonas expected me to go to him, even though I knew it was going to hurt like hell. That was hard, especially at first, before I got used to it all, but I knew that trying to get away would only serve to make matters worse."

"I see," I say, not knowing what to make out of that one. On the one hand I want to scream, to tell her that that's crazy but on the other I can't help but to realize that there is a twisted kind of logic to what she is saying. I don't know if I would go so far as to say that what Jonas and her mother taught her actually saved her life but there is no denying that that ability to 'go to the pain' is an integral part of who she is. That without it she wouldn't **_be_** Starbuck... and that means that that's one of those things I'm going to have to come to terms with.

It is that thought that this is something I'm going to have to come to terms with, a thought that has cross my mind more times than I can count since this whole mess began but that I had never really stopped to consider before that suddenly hits me like a ton of bricks because in a way it goes to the bottom of this whole mess. It finally gets what Cottle's been trying to get me to understand almost from day one to sink in. **_I'm_** the one that has to come to terms with this, **_I'm_** the one with the problem and a misconception of what should have been. I'm the one that keeps trying to define 'normal' based on his own experiences. Yes, Kara's past is sicker and far more twisted than I could possibly have imagined but it's **_hers_**. It's not without consequences, of course, but she's as close to fine with it as she can be and without it she wouldn't be who she is. Even if I could somehow go back in time and change things the price I would have to pay would be Kara herself and that is definitely not an option.

Yes, there's a part of me that still can't quite figure out how her thought process is supposed to work but then again that is not really a new experience.

I remember when I was about sixteen. I didn't think I'd ever be able to understand how girls thought or why they did what they did back then -and in a way I still don't understand them, I've just gotten better at dealing with them- but that didn't mean I thought they were wrong, that they weren't 'normal'. I just thought that they were different, very, **_very_** different. In a way this is similar. What she went through did seem normal from her perspective, at least back then. It was the only life she had ever known, it was the only life she could envision, and -even though thinking about it 'not being wrong' goes against everything I've ever been taught- there is something about that statement I can at least recognize not only as reasonable but also as a defining element that probably played a major role in making her who she is and that is, if nothing else, at least something I can understand.

* * *

**_Author's notes_**: And somehow I've made it to 100 chapters (it only took four years, one month and three days). I want to take this opportunity to thank you for sticking with me for this long, and for your reviews. Believe me when I say that I never thought it was going to take anywhere near this long and I really appreciate your patience.

Take care and, once again, thanks for reading (and reviewing),

Alec


	101. Chapter 101

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 101  
(Adama's POV)

I wish I could argue with Cottle on that particular front but I know he's right. I know that one variable thrown out of place would almost certainly have caused Kara to die when the cylon's attacked. The events that brought her into my life are too many to count.

Ignoring the details from her childhood -details I'd still much rather not think about- she had to sustain an injury that put an end to her dream of becoming a professional pyramid player, then she had to be admitted to flight school, become first a pilot and then a flight instructor with a healthy disregard for rules and regulations. She had to break every rule in the gods-damned book by getting engaged to one of her students, she had to fail to fail him and he had to die as a result. She had to run into me at his funeral, agree to be transferred to the Galactica -the oldest and least glamorous of all battlestars- and then on the day of the decommissioning ceremony she had to get into a fight with Tigh, a fight that caused her to be confined to the brig when the attack came.

We lost most of our vipers to a computer virus that day and if she hadn't been in the brig she would undoubtedly have been in one of them. No amount of skill would have saved her then. That's a sobering thought. No, it doesn't make this shit any easier for me to accept and it certainly doesn't make it right but it does give me a brand new sense of perspective... at least when it comes to Jonas and her mother. Leoben and New Caprica, on the other hand, are a different matter.

That didn't have to happen, gods-damn it, but the details we uncovered today are still bound to give me nightmares for the foreseeable future. The image of a dozen Leobens surrounding her is one I don't want to dwell on but I can't quite seem to escape it either... and unlike what was the case with Jonas and her mother I can't even say that at least it served to bring us to this point, even though in a twisted kind of way that is precisely what it did.

No, it didn't play a role in terms of getting her into my life and it didn't help her survive the original attacks either but it certainly contributed to Kara's suicide attempt, and that in turn is what brought all this **_shit_** out into the open, not just the stuff that happened on New Caprica but also about everything that went on before that. Now the question is how are we supposed to deal with this.

"There was nothing I could have done, was there?" I finally ask.

"Oh, there were plenty of things you could have done, but if you had we wouldn't be here, that's precisely the point. For better or for worse things would have been different and there's no way of knowing what the outcome of those 'what ifs' would have been."

"I know, but still..."

"The price was too high?"

"Yes," I admit, knowing that there's no point in trying to deny it.

"You can't change the past."

"What, now you are going to tell me that nothing we do can change the past but everything we do will change the future?"

"Hell, it may be a cliche but it's good advice," he reminds me. "No, you can't keep ignoring her past, not now that it's finally out in the open, but maybe you should start thinking of where you want to go from here because I can pretty much promise you that both your son and that girl are going to need some help in coming to terms with this and it's not like you don't have a stake on that particular outcome."

"So you are taking up matchmaking now?" I ask in total disbelief when I realize just what it is that he is hinting at. We are talking Cottle here, for frak's sake!

"No need to get nasty. I'm just trying to be practical here. It is my duty to help both your crew and especially my staff hold on to what little is left of their sanity."

"Is that so?" I ask, almost amused.

"Do you really want to deal with the fallout from another falling-out between those two?" he retorts.

"No," I admit, knowing that he is right, knowing in fact that if there was one point at which this whole mess could probably have been avoided it was precisely before New Caprica. If Kara had not married Anders, if she had stayed on the Galactica where she belonged or even if she had been on the Pegasus... if she had been with Lee at the time.

No matter how I look at it the fact remains that deep down I always knew that that marriage was a mistake and the same is true of the one between Lee and Dee. The problem is that accepting that feels too much like a betrayal. Kara is not just my daughter, in my mind she is -and has always been- Zak's fiancee... only Zak is dead. He died a long time ago. He died before the worlds ended and we can no longer hurt him so maybe the time has come for the rest of us to let go.


	102. Chapter 102

**_For notes, warning and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 102  
(Lee's POV)

As I make my way through the corridors in the middle of the night, or at least in the middle of the night-shift, I pray that I will have the training room to myself. I remember going there with my father on that first day, when we didn't even know if Kara was going to make it. It is hard to believe that that was only a few weeks ago, especially because so much has changed since then.

I remember my shock, my horror and my denial when my dad first told me that Cottle suspected that she might have been raped on New Caprica. The mere notion that Kara could have been hurt like that **_once_** seemed all but inconceivable. I remember how angry the thought made me, but now... I think now I'm so overwhelmed that I don't even know what I am supposed to be feeling any more. Anger? Yes, there is anger there, there's no denying that, but even that is muted now. I am just too tired and too overwhelmed for that to be much of an issue.

The problem is that I still don't know what I am supposed to do about any of this. She always mocked my tendency to do things by the book, only when it comes to this shit there is no book. I am on my own here and the truth is that I don't like it. Oh, in a way there's no denying that what we've learned fits somehow but at the same time I am worried, not just about the past but also about the future. I can see the toll today took out on Kara and even though I'm no longer so afraid that she is going to break, I am not so sure she's just going to bounce back either... hell, I know she won't.

I'm still thinking about that when I finally reach the training room and even before I get to the hatch I realize that I am out of luck because someone is obviously in there. Well, there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not my father, I can't order them to clear the room and leave me alone, not without raising a lot of questions I would much rather not answer.

With a resigned sigh I step into the room only to be met by my father's glare. Okay, so maybe I shouldn't be too surprised about that and luckily he seems to relax a little the moment he recognizes me.

"You too?" he asks.

"Yes," I reply.

"How is she?"

"Sleeping," I say, even though we both know that's not really an answer.

"That bad?" he asks, reading between the lines

"Would you believe me if I were to tell you that I don't even know."

"Yes," he says and we stay silent for a moment after that, both of us lost in our own thoughts.

"How could we not know this?" I finally ask when the silence gets to be too much for me.

"I don't know. Maybe because, just like Jonas, it was there all along. It was a part of her from the moment we met her and that made it easy for us to overlook the signs."

"How could that damned woman have hurt her like that? She was a child, for frak's sake!"

"I don't know, son."

"It's just that no matter how many times I think it can't possibly get any worse, it does."

"If it makes you feel any better, I suspect we have finally hit the bottom here. I know that was what Cottle was aiming for and even though there are probably some details we are still missing I think it's safe to say that we have something resembling a whole picture. Time-wise at least we don't seem to have any significant gaps any more."

"Yes, well, seeing all the shit that has come out it's the definition of 'details' that bothers me," I reply, especially because the fact that we have no significant gaps in our timeline doesn't mean a frakking thing and we both know it. It probably took no more than a couple of seconds for her mother to slam that piano lid on her hands.

"We can't change her past. That's not what this is about, it never was," he reminds me.

"I know."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"Do?" I ask, somewhat taken aback and feeling pretty sure that there's something I'm not quite following here.

"She's here now, and she is who she is, can you deal with that?"

"Somehow I don't think I have much of a choice."

"What happened tonight?"

"We talked... or tried to. She told me some things I'm not sure what the frak I'm supposed to do with, you know, the usual."

"What do you mean?"

"She just doesn't sem to grasp how wrong the whole thing was," I explain.

"It's her life."

"Funny, that's pretty much what she said. She also said that the alternative was for her to curl up into a ball and spend the rest of her life saying 'poor me' and that she wasn't about to do that. I can see where she's coming from, I really do, but it still bothers me."

"Yes, I imagine it does but it happened. We don't get to choose our starting point, son, we don't get to reset the stage. We are where we are and that means that the only thing we can do is take stock of our surroundings, try to come to terms with them and figure out a way to move forward."


	103. Chapter 103

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1._**

Chapter 103  
(Cottle's POV)

I'm going over Starbuck's file, even though I already know the blasted thing pretty much by heart and I am really not expecting the hundred and first reading to be any more pleasant than the previous hundred. No, there were no major surprises today. Details, yes, of course, and I certainly have to figure out where they fit in this picture but there were no surprises. Granted, I was shocked when she mentioned the incident with the multiple Leobens and I know both Apollo and the Old Man are going to have a hard time trying to come to terms with that one and even though I knew just how badly she had been hurt as a child up until today that remained, for the most part, a sort of abstract notion. I had a list of broken bones but I didn't really know how any of those injuries had occurred, now I do and I find myself wondering, not for the first time, if we really are that much better than the gods-damned cylons.

It would be nice to think that what Starbuck went through was some sort of aberration but I know better than that. Depending on how it is defined, child abuse can be seen as the norm rather than the exception. Granted what we have here is clearly an extreme case but I know what the stats were and I know that even under the best of circumstances those extreme cases were far more common than I care to contemplate. That is another thing, what is happening even now on these ships? I'm not sure I want to know. I know children are theoretically one of our most precious resources and I'd like to think that they are cared for, treasured and all that crap, but realistically I don't think that's likely to be the case.

Roslin may go on and on about the fact that we have to keep making babies but even though kids sound great in theory, the truth is that they are a pain in the butt in practice and they definitely don't belong on a spaceship. They are noisy, smelly and in close quarters they tend to drive people crazy. Add to that the fact that we don't exactly have a factory ship churning out disposable diapers, that we can't afford to waste what little cloth we have left to make diapers for them either and that water is tightly rationed so that a clean and freshly smelling baby is a thing of the past (to say nothing of the fact that taking our frustrations out on those weaker than we are seems to be an integral part of human nature and that law enforcement is a joke) and what you have is a recipe for disaster.

We may be humanity's last hope but that doesn't make us the cream of the crop. Survival was not based on merit and at times we tend to forget that... we tend to assume that we survived because we deserved it somehow, not because we got 'lucky'.

We have more than a thousand known convicts among us but the key to that statement is the word 'known'. Chances are that's just the tip of the iceberg, it's just that everyone else's records were wiped clean. Space has always been dangerous and remote, a fact that made it particularly appealing to certain groups of people. Because of the work they did, mining ships in particular represent a problem.

Their crews used to spend months in total isolation, away from family and friends. It was a dangerous, back-breaking job that didn't exactly appeal to the more refined members of society. In fact it was the kind of work that was refused by everyone but the most desperate and putting a crew together was not an easy task. As a result it was not uncommon for the owners of those vessels to resort to hiring men who had a hard time finding a job elsewhere and that included men on the run, ex-cons and sex-offenders. Those men got, for the most part, a get-out-of-the-holocaust-free card and then, especially after New Caprica, they were mixed into the general population.

That is a dangerous combination and even though so far no major incidents have been reported as a result, I suspect it's only a matter of time before those become widespread. The problem is that I'm not sure there's anything we can do to prevent it... but then again that one's not really up to me either.

What is up to me is figuring out a way to get my favorite dysfunctional family back to the realm of the barely functional and in that regard I have to admit that things are looking better than they have in a while, so much so that I'm almost ready to declare that mission accomplished. Granted, getting them to move past that point is going to be next to impossible but then again I have never known that lot to be anything more than 'barely functional'... and seeing how our lives have turned out that is probably the best we can hope for.

In fact I have to admit that things have progressed better than I would have expected them to. Starbuck's alive and her progress has been so good that I think she is almost ready to go back to terrorizing the nuggets, though luckily she is still nowhere near ready to return to the cockpit. That's a fight I would like to put off for as long as I can... and if it were up to me I would keep Apollo out of it as well, just to be on the safe side.

It's not just that I'd hate for my work to be undone by a toaster getting lucky and blowing either one of them out of the sky, though that is part of it, but rather that seeing how those two are the closest thing to 'leaders' that we have in the younger generation, and how neither one of them would do us much good without the other, we can't afford to lose either of them.

Granted, a future in which the destiny of mankind rests in the hands of those two is not one I particularly care to contemplate but, gods help us all, that doesn't mean that such a future is not the best we can hope for.


	104. Chapter 104

**_For notes,warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 104  
(Kara's POV)

I wake up, still exhausted in the aftermath of yesterday's little 'chat'. I hate being ambushed like that but at the same time I am powerless to prevent it. In a way I am Cottle's prisoner just as much as I once was Leoben's. He is in control and I am at his mercy. Granted, he prefers the term patient but the line between those two can get damn fuzzy at times. I guess the difference is that, in his own twisted way, I know the doc means well... that I know he's not trying to hurt me but... I don't know. He keeps pushing and I guess I just want him to back off once and for all. It's **_my_** life, gods damn it!

I hate not being in control, I hate the fact that, no matter what I do, I am not allowed to put this crap behind me. In the end I guess that's what the whole thing boils down to and the problem is that I can't see that changing any time soon... not at the rate I'm going. It's like no matter what I do, I keep digging myself into an even deeper hole with each and every new revelation. If I hadn't ever let Jonas's name slip, would this have been over already? I don't know, though realistically I don't think so. I might have been able to hold on to a few more of my secrets for a little bit longer but that would probably have been it... and chances are that even those secrets would have come out eventually. Cottle knew my fingers had been broken all along, he probably suspected that my mom was to blame for that one and I don't think he would just have let it go.

Of course there's a pretty big difference between 'the doc suspecting' and 'Lee and the Old Man knowing'. That's the part that's really bothering me... and the fact that I **_still_** can't make sense out of their reactions isn't helping matters either. They know what happened, they know what I did, but they are still here. Why are they still here? What kind of game are they playing? I don't know and that is driving me crazy. Oh, I know they are angry, that much is pretty obvious, but they are still **_here_**... and when it comes to Lee I do mean literally, as in sleeping on the other bed kind of literal.

That is something I'm still not sure how I feel about. Do I want him to go? No, but I know sooner or later he is going to leave me so I figure I might as well get it over with. The problem is that he is not exactly making it easy. It's like the harder I try to push him away the more attached he becomes... and that too is driving me nuts. I know he is trying to 'help' but I am not cut to be a frakking 'damsel in distress' and he seems to have forgotten that. A part of me would like to remind him but I don't know how. I know there's no way I can goad him into a fight and even trying to take a swing would probably backfire. That means I have no choice but to put up with this crap... with having him here even though I know I can't afford to rely on him, though it would be so easy. I am exhausted, I can barely hold on and he keeps asking me to just let go. The problem is that I don't think I can do it, I don't know how. I'm a screw-up and sooner or later I am going to screw up, it's what I do... it's what I did.

When I first made it out of New Caprica I was so relieved. I allowed myself to believe that I was safe, or as safe as I was ever going to be, but that was a mistake. I screwed up, I let my guard down and I paid the price. I'm grounded, probably for life, and I have no-one to blame for that one but myself.

Funny how I hadn't even thought about my flight status up until now. Have I even asked Cottle about it? I'm not sure but I don't think so. I have been too busy just trying to keep him at bay, to keep him from asking questions I'd much rather not answer to worry about that. I know I did a lot of damage though, and I know that there's no way I would be able to pass a psych evaluation right now either. Neither one of those things bodes well... and besides, it's not like we can afford to keep losing birds. Yes, we can train new nuggets but that's not going to do us much good if we have no vipers to put them in and there's no way we can hope to replace the ones that are destroyed.

Sure, the Blackbird was quite an accomplishment. It was a ship that was unlike any that had ever been built before and it went a long way toward rebuilding our confidence but at the same time it was never going to be more than a prototype and we all knew it. We don't have the ability or even the raw materials to make spare parts from scratch, the best we can do is adapt and reuse the spares we manage to salvage from ships that are scrapped but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that if out of the ruins of half a dozen birds -and that is being optimistic, seeing how most of the vipers that are lost are blown out of the sky- we can hope to salvage enough spare parts to build some kind of replacement for one of them, at the end of the day we are still going to find ourselves coming up five birds short... and that means that we can't afford to jeopardize one of those birds by entrusting it to a suicidal screw-up.

Granted, viper pilots are not usually known for their sense of self-preservation, and suicide missions are certainly not unheard of, but even there I suspect that I crossed the line and that brings me to the obvious question: do I still have my viper? I don't know... I'm not sure I **_want_** to know.


	105. Chapter 105

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 105  
(Tyrol's POV)

I am caught totally off-guard when, out of the corner of my eye, I see Starbuck out of all people walk into my deck. For a moment I consider the possibility of greeting her but something tells me that's not what she needs so I gesture for my crew to back off instead and I pretend not to notice when she makes her way to her viper and runs a hand over its wing in a gesture that looks almost like a caress... a gesture that somehow manages to both feel wrong and be oddly reassuring at the same time.

In these past few weeks I've caught only a few glimpses of her and I've hardly ever seen her alone so I'm not sure what to make out of her sudden presence here. Oh, I'm aware of the rumors that are flying all over the ship but as usual facts have been harder to come by, though I can't even begin to imagine what four months of the cylons' hospitality would do to a person. That she is standing here at all is nothing short of a miracle. I know there were quite a few people that were taken on that first day, and of those she is the only one that made it, but I never even stopped to think about it. Maybe if I had managed to get my head out of my ass for half a minute back during the whole Circle fiasco I would have been able to do something. I knew how deep the damage ran, it was pretty apparent when she taunted Gaeta in that launch tube but at the same time there were so many things going on at once that it just slipped my mind.

I am still thinking about that when Apollo all but stumbles into the flight deck, looking almost frantic, only to stop at the sight in front of him. It takes him a fraction of a second to regain his composure and then, at a more sedate pace, he approaches her.

I try not to listen in, I try to respect their privacy, but in the end my curiosity gets the best of me... and I know I'm not the only one in that regard.

"Hey," he says softly, putting a hand on her shoulder but she doesn't respond, she doesn't say anything at all. She just closes her eyes and touches her forehead to her bird for a moment before turning around to meet his eyes.

"You were gone when I woke up... I was worried."

"I'm a big girl, Lee."

"I know but..." he trails off.

"I'm sorry. I just... I had to see it. To know it's still here," she explains, still caressing her bird.

"You want to talk about it?"

"I hadn't even thought about it," she whispers.

"About...?

"Flying... or not."

"It's going to be okay."

"Don't patronize me, gods damn it!" she snaps.

"I'm not..."

"Yes, you are. You don't know that!"

"No, you are right, I don't," he admits.

"What am I going to do?"

"You may want to ask Cottle," he points out.

"I... I don't know."

"You are scared."

"No, but... I don't know what I would do if he were to tell me that..."

"That you'll never fly again?"

"Yes."

"Well, I can't tell you what he'd say now, but I can tell you what he said when dad asked him on that first day."

"He asked?"

"Yes, and Cottle told him that you probably would, but that it was going to take some time."

"How long?"

"Four to six months from a physical perspective."

"But that's not even the real problem, is it?" snaps Starbuck, with a hint of bitterness in her voice.

"I don't know... I guess it's too early to tell."

"I hate having this hanging over my head... I mean, I know I deserve it, I know I did it to myself but..."

"It's going to be okay," he insists.

"I'm so frakking tired of this crap. I just... I wish..." she begins but then she just trails off again and I see him rubbing her back at that in a display of affection that is a little too intimate for comfort so I finally turn away, as I probably should have done from the outset.

I know it wasn't my place to listen in on that particular exchange but I couldn't quite tear myself away either. Starbuck is my friend too and, even though my one attempt at visiting her in sickbay was a total and unmitigated disaster, I am still worried. The problem is that there is just so much I don't know, so much I am not being told. For weeks now I have been torn between trying to shoot down some of the most outrageous rumors and trying to extract some grain of truth out of them... and the rumor-mill has been going crazy.

No, this was not the first suicide attempt we've had to deal with and I know chances are it won't be the last one either but it was by far the one that hit closest to home. True, I don't know what she went through and I can only imagine why she did what she did but I do know what Starbuck represents for the fleet... or at least for the _Galactica_ and I know why we can't afford to lose her. Apollo may be the CAG but Starbuck is the one the pilots turn to when the going gets tough. He may be the brain but she is the heart of the squad though she is also more than that. She is the one the deck hands know they can turn to, the one that can bridge the gap between the ones that fly the birds and the ones that keep the birds flying.


	106. Chapter 106

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 106  
(Lee's POV)

I lead Kara back towards 'our' quarters. That in itself is something of an odd notion... and the fact that it is odd is odd in itself. Shared sleeping quarters are a fact of life on a battlestar but our current situation is atypical in that our shared quarters are nowhere near as shared as they should be... not that I'm complaining about that. I admit that between my time in the _Pegasus_ and my marriage to Dee I got used to having private, or at least semi-private, quarters and I know that even though Kara is doing better she is still nowhere near well enough to go back to the pilot's quarters. The nightmares are still too frequent of an occurrence for that and she is still uncomfortable around most people.

That is one of the reasons why I was more than a little worried when I woke up to find her gone. Her little trip to the flight deck marked her first real attempt to go anywhere on her own and the fact that she did just that caught me somewhat off-guard, though once I found her that concern turned into relief. The truth is that up until today she hadn't even asked about her flight status so to find her on the deck, where she belongs, was incredibly reassuring... a small sign that maybe things are getting back to normal.

Oh, I know things will never go back to 'the way they were' but then again that is not necessarily a bad thing. If nothing else I like being able to walk these corridors with her with my hand on her back and without having to worry that that's going to result in her handing me back my arm... probably gift-wrapped with my own intestines. The Kara that came back from New Caprica would have done that in a heartbeat and even before she set foot on that gods-damned rock she would almost certainly have been far more uncomfortable with such an open display of affection... she would at least have tried to shy away from it in one way or another. That is one thing that has not just changed but actually changed for the better.

I remember something Cottle told us some time ago: he said that we had to help her rebuild her defenses but that we should try to do it in such a way that, as those walls went back up, we would find ourselves safely within the perimeter and in that regard I think so far we've succeeded. Granted, the walls are nowhere near as strong as they used to be and there is still plenty of rebuilding left to do -meaning that we are still liable to find ourselves back on the outside if we are not careful- but so far things seem to be progressing nicely.

I am also glad to see that she is at least thinking about her flight status, about her future... about whether or not she will ever be allowed back into her Viper. I can see she's worried about it and I know her fears are not unfounded but now she has a goal to work toward and I suspect that's going to make a big difference... though that doesn't mean that getting her there will be easy. It will take time and if there is one thing Kara is not known for is her patience.

Of course, the physical aspects are just one of the things that can keep her out of the cockpit and I know it. More important than that is going to be the psychological fallout of this thing and, even though in that regard she is still a mess, when compared to what her outlook was when she first came back from New Caprica, she is doing much better. Of course, back then we didn't even realize that we had a problem, now we are painfully aware of that fact... and that in itself is part of the problem.

Oh, I know that she is not going to be getting back into the cockpit any time soon so in that regard the issue is basically moot, I know her injuries were just too extensive for that to become an option any time soon, but I also know that sooner or later we are going to have to find an objective way to measure her progress in order to make that particular call. Do we measure it against where she was or against where we want her to be? And if we base our comparison on where she was there is also the question of when, after the attacks or after New Caprica?

That she is doing better than she was doing after New Caprica is apparent, though considering what a mess she was back then that is not much comfort. When it comes to how she was doing after the attacks, that is harder to tell. There are too many changes, too many things I know now that I didn't know before. I can see a vulnerability in her now that I couldn't see before but I don't know if that is a permanent or a temporary thing nor do I know if it is the result of some of the changes that are to be expected under the circumstances, if it is due to the fact that the relationship between us has evolved of it is merely something I had failed to acknowledge before. The good news is that now I am reasonably sure that she is not going to try again, at least not without some sort of external trigger but that doesn't mean I am not afraid.

I know it's selfish but I like the new intimacy that has developed between us. I like the fact that she has come to rely on me and, as selfish as it may seem, I don't want to lose that. No, I don't want her to become dependent on me but I do want her to trust me. I want her to feel safe enough to lean on me and yet I know chances are that is never going to happen. Oh, I can understand now where her independent streak comes from, I know why she has a hard time trusting people and I know that is one trait that is never quite going to go away. Can I live with that? Probably, in one way or another I have been living with it for as long as I've known her and if this past year has taught me anything it is precisely that living without her is not an option.


	107. Chapter 107

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 107  
(Cottle's POV)

"Will I fly again?" she asks as soon as she walks into my office. No preambles, no greeting, nothing. I guess in a way I knew this was coming, hell, I even suspected that yesterday's little chat was likely to act as a sort of trigger for something along these lines but... it's not so simple.

"I don't know, it's too early to tell," I reply, knowing it's not quite a lie but it is not the whole truth either.

"When will you know?"

"From a physical perspective? Maybe in a couple of months, though the fact that you somehow managed to avoid all major complications throughout your recovery is certainly an encouraging sign... now for the rest of it..."

"Yeah, right... 'the rest of it'," she growls.

"It's going to play into it and you know it."

"And there's nothing I can do."

"Not quite. In fact I would go so far as to say that what happens next is almost entirely up to you," I say. I know that thinking that she is actually in control of her own recovery may seem like an odd notion to her at this point but the truth is that from a physical perspective I've done everything I can for her... the rest is going to have to be up to her.

"So what do I do?" she pleads and I look at her for a moment. It would be so easy for me to use this as an excuse to keep her out of the cockpit for good but I know I can't afford to do that. She is the best pilot we have, to say nothing of our most experienced flight instructor, and in a way I also know that the cockpit is precisely where she needs to be. Being a Viper jock is just too integral a part of her self-image and that self-image has taken too many hits already for her to be able to give that one up at this stage... besides she needs a goal to work toward, something to get her to move forward and her love of flying will do nicely in that regard.

"Can you breathe without pain?" I finally ask.

"For the most part."

"Yes, well, knowing Viper pilots as well as I do, it's the least part that bothers me," I mutter.

"I tire easily and when I get agitated I can still feel it but other than that I'm good," she replies, all but rolling her eyes at me.

"Okay, so maybe we can start working toward rebuilding your endurance. Depending on how that goes I will probably be able to sign off on you going back to work in restricted duty within a couple of weeks," I say, watching her carefully.

"What kind of duty?" she asks with some suspicion.

"Maybe you could go back to teaching and the CIC for starters, seeing how those are the least demanding ones from a physical perspective and, once you are a little stronger, we could see about the possibility of adding some maintenance shifts to the list as well," I say, knowing that she's not going to be too happy about the level of interaction those two are bound to require. Up until now she has been doing everything within her power to avoid the rest of the crew but going back to either teaching or the CIC will force her to interact with others... whether she wants to or not.

"You are doing this on purpose, aren't you?" she asks, glaring at me.

"Not really, but it's a nice fringe benefit. What, you thought you could go back to work while hiding in your room?" I snort, though the truth is that I know it's a lot more complicated than that.

"I'm not..."

"Yes, you are and it needs to stop."

"It's not so frakking simple!" she snaps.

"I know it's not but if you want to fly again you need to get over it and I think you know it. I mean what are you so afraid of?"

"I don't know."

"The only ones that really know the details of what happened are Lee, the Old Man and myself, and we understand," I remind her.

"And Sam," she points out.

"He knows some of it, I'll give you that, but he does not have the whole story and for what it's worth I think you can trust him. You were married to him for frak's sake! As for the rest of the crew... yes, they know you tried to kill yourself, there's no way around that one, but that is the extent of it and you were far from the first one to do something along those lines so as far as they are concerned that's not really that big a deal. They know New Caprica was hell and they won't question you about it any more than you would question them if your positions were reversed so it is going to be entirely up to you to decide what, if anything, you tell them."

"But they are wondering about it," she points out.

"Yes, and they will continue to do so for as long as you remain in hiding but as soon as they get used to seeing you around they will move on and you know it."

"Yeah, I guess I do but..."

"They. Won't. Really. Care," I say, punctuating each word in what I know is a rather futile attempt to get through to her. "Now, I'm not saying that what you went through doesn't matter, it does and I'm certainly not downplaying its magnitude, but as far as the rest of the crew are concerned you were just another prisoner. They have an idea of what that entailed and that idea is quite different from your own experience. Besides, even if they were to learn the whole truth you'd still have nothing to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong."


	108. Chapter 108

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 108  
(Kara's POV)

Even though on a rational level I know that the doc is right when he says that the rest of the crew probably won't care about the details of what I went through on New Caprica one way or the other, and that they don't know anything about what happened before either, I still feel as if every frakking detail were tattooed on my forehead and on top of that I am far from certain about the whole 'going back to the CIC' thing. Of course, in the end I don't think I'm going to have much of a choice, not if I want to fly again. I mean, I guess from a medical perspective Cottle's demands make sense based on the physical demands of each position and I am fairly confident that I can go back to teaching without too much trouble if I really have to but going back to the CIC is a different matter altogether.

Going back to the CIC is bound to involve working side by side with both Dee and Gaeta... a man I almost put out a frakking launch tube by mistake and Lee's soon-to-be-ex-wife. Yes, I know they are both professional enough -unprofessional stunts are my specialty, not theirs- and I also know the Old Man is going to be there and that is going to help keep things from boiling over but to say that things are bound to be more than a little awkward, especially at first, would be putting it mildly.

For a moment I consider the possibility of mentioning my concerns to the doc but in the end I just can't quite bring myself to do it. If there is one lesson I learned a very long time ago it is precisely that asking for what you want will accomplish nothing, that the only thing it will do is give an advantage to others that they will then be in a position to use against you. You fight for what you want but you don't ask for it, end of story... besides, it's not like he is asking for my opinion anyway.

"Care to tell me what's going on in that thick skull of yours?" he asks eventually when I don't say anything.

"Nothing," I say, not that he is likely to believe me.

"Fair enough," he replies, catching me somewhat off guard and I can't help but wonder what kind of game he is playing now.

"So that's it? You are just going to let it go?" I can't help but blurt out.

"What, you want me to keep pushing?" he asks, all but smirking at me.

"No, but..." I trail off, feeling more than a little silly.

"But you were expecting me to?"

"Something like that," I finally admit.

"If you want to tell me, I'll listen but other than that it's up to you."

"That's a new one. Couldn't you have embraced a similar philosophy yesterday?" I mutter.

"No, in fact I won't even go so far as to embrace it today but if you don't want to argue when I tell you to do something I am most definitely not going to complain about it," he replies and the worst part is that when he phrases it like that the whole thing sounds so frakking reasonable that I just glare at him on the general principle of the thing.

"So what am I supposed to do in the mean time?" I finally ask, knowing that he said that depending on my progress he may be willing to sign off on me going back to restricted duty in a couple of weeks and that means that chances are that there are going to be some additional demands.

"Well, you used to run several miles a day. Of course, I know that given everything your body has been through right now that is not a realistic expectation but seeing how there's nothing wrong with your legs either maybe we can settle for getting you to walk half as much over the next two weeks," he suggests.

"Couldn't you just give me some exercises I can do in my quarters?"

"I could, but I won't," he replies and I have to fight the urge to roll my eyes at him.

"In other words, this whole trying to 'rebuild my endurance' thing is just an excuse, right?"

"No, it's not just an excuse but I freely admit that it is only part of it. As I said, the sooner the rest of the crew gets used to seeing you up and about, the sooner we will all be able to move past this whole drama and the easier it is going to be for you to resume your duties" he points out.

"'This whole drama'?"

"Yes. I know just how bad it was and I realize that our pushing you to share the details of what happened probably wasn't your idea of fun either but it had to be done. We had to know what it was that we were up against and you had to know that we knew, not to mention that trying to keep it a secret would have caused you to explode sooner rather than later, but at the same time there is no point in dragging you back over and over again."

"You try getting Lee and the Old Man to understand that one," I mutter under my breath.

"I know they are having a hard time trying to come to terms with this and I am afraid that for the time being you are just going to have to put up with them. Asking you to do that may not seem fair but I don't think we have a choice and you probably know that much but still they are the exception to the rule here and I am not talking about them, not this time around... besides I think you are ready to start moving forward."

"So what changed?" I ask, trying to make some sort of sense out of the sudden shift in the doc's attitude.

"Simple, you asked me about flying," he replies as if it were the most logical thing in the world.


	109. Chapter 109

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 109  
(Cottle's POV)

'That went well,' I tell myself as I watch Starbuck walk out of my office. Of course I know this is just the beginning and that, even though the most critical stage of her recovery is now almost officially behind us, helping that girl reclaim some semblance of normalcy is still going to take some doing... not that there's anything 'normal' about the way we live to begin with, but there's nothing I can do about that.

I guess for starters I have to come to terms with the fact that, unless we have some sort of outbreak, it's going to be a while before I get my isolation chamber back. Given the severity of her nightmares and the setback she would suffer if she were to let something slip in the course of one of them, I don't think Starbuck is ever going to be in a position to go back to the pilots' quarters, though luckily that is less of a problem than it would seem to be as all it would take to sort it out would be for the younger Adama to ask Dee to move out of the quarters he is supposed to be sharing with her.

Granted, for Starbuck and Apollo to move in there immediately after asking Dualla to vacate the premises would be somewhat unseemly but I don't think there is a single crew member that is unaware of just where things stand between those three so that's not likely to be much of an issue, though I have to admit that for the time being the current arrangement seems to be working well enough, with Starbuck and Apollo living together unofficially in the isolation chamber under the cover of an increasingly flimsy medical reason and Dualla in place to ensure that his quarters don't get reassigned before the two of them are ready to stop dancing around the facts.

Of course, maintaining that arrangement once Starbuck is cleared for duty is going to be far more difficult to explain... or it would be if there were any chance of anyone asking any questions but luckily I don't think that's likely to be much of an issue.

I am still thinking about that when all of a sudden I realize that in my attempt to push Starbuck forward I just made a mistake, a big one... and if her reaction is anything to go by then chances are that she is aware of it. Yes, from a physical perspective she is certainly well enough to go back to the CIC but I hadn't exactly taken into account who would be waiting for her there: Dee, Gaeta and, to a lesser extent, Tigh. Granted Starbuck and Tigh seem to have gotten over the worst of their animosity and he's even made a couple of rather awkward attempts at visiting her since she's been here but the other two are likely to be more of an issue. The problem is that I already told her about her return to duty and I don't think I can change my mind in that regard without conveying the message that I think she needs to be protected, that I don't think she is strong enough to do this... and that is the one thing I know I can't afford to do under the circumstances.

Knowing that this is my mess and that therefore it is up to me to clean it up but also knowing that a mop is not likely to do me much good this time around, I decide to go looking for an admiral instead.

"I screwed up," I admit as soon as Bill and I are alone.

"What happened?" he asks.

"I told Starbuck that I'd sign off on her going back to restricted duty in a couple of weeks."

"And you don't think she's ready?"

"Oh, she is more than ready, in fact she could easily resume some of her duties immediately, at least from a physical perspective but I want her interacting a little more with the rest of the crew before that."

"So?" he prods.

"So I told her that she would be allowed to go back to teaching and the CIC as long as she made a serious effort to improve her overall endurance in the next couple of weeks. Teaching is not a problem but..." I trail off.

"But the CIC is Dee's turf and that will probably make things more than a little awkward for her and that is the last thing she needs," Bill finishes for me after a few seconds, obviously putting the pieces together in his mind a lot quicker than I did... well, at least when it comes to half the story.

"To say nothing of Gaeta," I remind him.

"So what's the alternative?"

"I don't know. The truth is that I don't think that situation is going to get any easier no matter how long we put it off and I don't want to go back on that particular order either."

"No, you are right."

"I know it is not my place to ask you to do this but would it be possible to deliberately schedule the three of them around each other without compromising the effectiveness of the CIC itself, at least at first?"

"What do you have in mind?"

"I don't know. Maybe two weeks in which she spends her time at the CIC without either Dee or Gaeta there to give her a chance to get back in the rhythm of things and then maybe an additional couple of weeks in which she shares some of her shifts with either one or the other but not with both of them. After that we reevaluate the situation," I suggest.

"That can be arranged," he agrees, much to my relief. That takes care of one problem though unfortunately it is unlikely to be the end of it. Yes, Dee and Gaeta were my most immediate concern but they were far from the only one. Her relationship to both Adamas itself has changed and that is something the three of them are going to have to figure out a way to come to terms with. In a way the change is a positive one with a greater level of trust and understanding and all that but on the other there is the fact that the lines that were once marked by a military command structure have been blurred beyond recognition and there's no going back. Up until now that hadn't really been much of an issue but, as she resumes some of her duties, that is bound to represent a pretty major adjustment... for everyone involved.


	110. Chapter 110

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 110  
(Kara's POV)

The rational part of my mind knows I used to run four times this distance on a daily basis but half way through my first attempt at complying with Cottle's latest directive I find myself wondering just how the frak I could possibly have done that. At first it was just a little pull but that 'little pull' was enough to knock the rhythm out of my breathing and as I kept walking things just snowballed from there, with the pull aggravating my breathing and my breathing aggravating the pull and leaving me basically stranded in the middle of nowhere. The problem is that in an attempt to avoid the most congested corridors I set out in a rather convoluted circuit that took me quite a distance away from sickbay and now I am effectively stuck in one of the least used corridors of the whole battlestar.

Knowing that I don't have much of a choice I sit down with my back against the wall and I close my eyes. Moving is not an option, I know that much... and yet I also know that sooner or later I am going to have no choice but to do just that. I try once again to get my breathing under control but I can't and I find myself beginning to panic as a result. On a rational level I know that's the one thing I can't afford to do but I can't help it.

Frak, I hate this crap! The good news is that at least there's no-one here to see me like this. I feel so pathetic, so frakking weak. Yes, I did this to myself and I definitely deserve it but... I don't know, I want it to stop but I know it never will and I'm not just talking about the frakking pain. I can't go back to the way things were before New Caprica. It's not just Leoben, though that was bad enough, but rather the fact that I know there's going to be no getting away from any of this crap ever again. When I was admitted to Flight School I promised myself that I would never look back only now my past seems to have caught up with me and there's nothing I can do about it... there's nowhere I can go and there's going to be no outrunning it ever again either. I am trapped with the memories and the questions and the weakness and the frakking pity. For a moment I think that maybe I should just finish what I started but I can't even bring myself to do that.

I feel a tear running down my face and then another and another. I try to wipe them away but they just keep coming and the pain keeps getting worse. I bite my lower lip hard enough to draw blood and try to focus my attention on that instead but it doesn't do me much good. I feel like I'm drowning and then, before I know it, I feel someone kneeling down next to me and I hear Lee's voice telling me that it's okay as he rubs my back. I don't want him to see me like this so I try to tell him to go away but I can't.

He sits down next to me and then he wraps an arm around me, pulling me close, offering his silent support and we just stay like that for a few minutes until eventually I manage to regain some semblance of control.

"Better?" he finally asks and I just nod at that, feeling too embarrassed to reply or even look up.

"What are you doing here?" I finally manage to choke out.

"Cottle. He told me to keep an eye on you... something along the lines of him not trusting you to have the common sense to know that working your way to 'walking half as much as you used to run on a daily basis within a couple of weeks' does not automatically translate into attempting that distance the first time around and the likelihood that you would find yourself stranded on the other end of the Galactica while trying to avoid the rest of the crew," he explains and I can almost hear a smirk in his voice.

"That bastard..." I mutter.

"So, are you ready to go back or do you want us to stay here a little longer?" he asks, still not letting go of me and the truth is that I don't know. I want to go back, I want to get away and forget about all this crap but just thinking about moving is almost enough to send me back into a panic so I don't think I'm ready to tackle that one just yet. Whether I like it or not, I need to rest for a while but I know there's no way Lee's leaving me here alone and I know he has better things to do.

"I..." I begin but then I just trail off.

"Rest," he says, apparently reading my mind and taking the decision out of my hands.

I want to argue but I know it is pointless so I just close my eyes again, knowing that I need to regain as much of my strength as I can before I can even think of attempting the trek back and knowing that I am going to have to do just that. Just thinking about what that's going to take is enough to send a shiver down my spine but I know my choices are either crawling back to sickbay under my own power **_somehow_** or asking Lee to fetch me a wheelchair and have either him or someone else push me through the corridors like a frakking invalid for everyone to see.


	111. Chapter 111

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 111  
(Lee's POV)

I look at Kara who is now resting comfortably against my side with her eyes closed and, even though I know she is not just exhausted but also in a considerable amount of pain, I have to fight to keep myself from smirking at the sight. It feels good to have her pride reasserting itself... it feels oddly normal. To have her overexerting herself and Cottle anticipating that fact feels like the old days. It is precisely the kind of stupid stunt I would have expected her to pull off before New Caprica in the aftermath of a significant injury. Oh, I know that helping her make her way back to sickbay will not be pleasant -for either of us- but, as the doc said when I asked him why he hadn't tried to warn her against doing something like this in the first place, she had to learn how far she can push herself and the truth is that she's never been one to listen to reason.

In fact I am surprised by just how far she managed to make it before she found herself with no choice but to stop. True, I'm not sure whether I should credit her endurance or her stubbornness for that particular 'achievement', after all she **_could_** have turned back when it first became apparent that she wasn't going to make it, but we are talking Starbuck here and the fact that she didn't is oddly reassuring.

Ever since our last talk with Cottle I have been getting more and more glimpses of the old Kara. She seems to be determined to reclaim as much of her life as she can and while that is definitely a good thing I am not willing to let her pretend that nothing has changed. Oh, I know better than to try to say anything, at least at this stage, I know that for the time being I have to let her take the lead but there's no way I'm going to go back to dancing around the issue... not in the long run. Yes, I know she's not ready to start any sort of relationship right now -not with me and not with anyone else- but at the same time I'm not about to let go. Yes there are plenty of ghosts standing between us -from Zak, to Jonas and Leoben with Sam, Dee and even her mother thrown in for good measure- but I am not about to let those ghosts hold me down or keep us apart... not any more.

After a few minutes she pulls away from me and gets up, glaring at the corridor.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I ask.

"'Want' is not the first word that comes to mind," she mutters.

"No, I guess it's not," I say, trying hard not to smile.

"Let's get this over with."

It takes us a while to make it all the way back, and by the time we do I can see she is on the brink of collapse but luckily the fact that the path Kara had chosen to get away was far from the shortest one enabled us to shave roughly a third off the distance we would otherwise have had to cover right off the bat, though at first she insisted that we shouldn't even try to do that. When we finally reach sickbay the first thing we find is Cottle waiting for us.

"So, how far did she manage to get?" he asks.

"Close to the engine access," I reply.

"No surprises there then. How bad is it?" he asks, turning to her but she just glares at him, not willing to admit how bad the pain is, though going by how hard she is breathing and the way she is clutching her side I think it's safe to say that words are not just not needed but may not even be an option for the time being.

"Fair enough, let me rephrase that: does it hurt more than it should?" he asks and she just shakes her head at that.

"And did you learn your lesson?" he insists, still smirking at her.

"I guess," she croaks.

"Good. Now, do you need to rest here for a while or would you rather go back to your quarters?"

"Quarters," she replies, doing her best to get away before the doc can change his mind about letting her go and all I can do is follow.

Come to think of it, I guess that's part of the problem, that 'follow' is a good word to describe what I've been doing from the moment I met her... it's just that more often than not that seems to be the only thing one can do when dealing with Kara. She is a whirlwind, she cannot be contained. Try to pin her down and chances are you are the one that is going to be blown away but at the same time I know I can't afford to do that any more... not to that extent anyway.

Oh, I can understand **_why_** she feels the need to remain in control -in fact I can understand it now better than I ever did before- and I know that is something that is unlikely to change. As an officer I have enough of a grounding in psychology to realize that with her background that control is not really optional but at the same time there's no denying that she is also more than a little self-destructive. Those are two key aspects of her personality that I am going to have to contend with and yet I'm going to have no choice but to at least try to figure out a way to balance them out somehow. The problem is that I can't rein in her more self-destructive tendencies without curtailing her control, at least to a certain extent, just as I can't allow her to remain in control without giving free rein to her more self-destructive tendencies.


	112. Chapter 112

**_For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1._**

Chapter 112  
(Adama's POV)

As I wait for Starbuck to arrive I can't help but to wonder if this was not a mistake.

When I first realized that Lee had a nightshift CAP I decided to take advantage of that fact to invite Kara to join me for dinner in my quarters, just the two of us. It is not something I had ever done before, and that in itself is more than a little ironic. Almost from the moment I met her I've thought of Kara as 'the daughter I never had' but the truth is that I have spent more time interacting one on one with Dee than with her. Of course, I guess in a way that was only natural, after all Dee was -and technically still is- my daughter-in-law, not to mention that we had one year of relative peace to get acquainted in that capacity while Kara was down on New Caprica. Still, tonight -and in light of her imminent return to duty- I decided that the time had come for me to change that, protocol be damned.

Oh, I know that before the attacks doing something like this would almost certainly have been misconstrued and that could easily have come back to haunt us -or rather it could have come back to haunt her- and since the attacks social interactions haven't exactly been high on my list of priorities, but that is no longer the case. If these past few weeks have taught me anything it is precisely how little I know about her and while Cottle has pretty much forced her to fill in some of those gaps, that has also led to a growing awkwardness between us. It is pretty apparent that there are some things she is not comfortable with me knowing, just like there are a few things I freely admit I would much rather **_not_** know concerning her past... and yet at the same time I can't help but to wonder if maybe, if I had known about this all along -if I had actually taken the time to find out just what it was that I was up against on that particular day- maybe I would have been able to prevent this.

If I had taken the time to get to know her better maybe I would have realized just how much she was hurting in the aftermath of New Caprica, maybe I would have been able to pull her back from the edge rather than push her over it. That is one mistake I know is going to haunt me for the rest of my life, though at the same time I can't help but to wonder if what happened on that particular day wasn't a blessing in disguise.

Yes, I know my words were the straw that broke the camel's back, there's no way around that -and my behavior that day was certainly inexcusable- but at the same time I am well aware of the fact that, if it hadn't been that one, sooner or later another bit of straw would almost certainly have come along... and at least with the way things played out Kara failed. It would be nice to believe in a 'what if' scenario in which Kara's suicide attempt had never come about but the truth is that most of those scenarios would have just resulted in a different attempt at a different time and under different circumstances... and the bottom line is that such a different attempt under different circumstances could just as easily have led to a different outcome. That is the part that guilt makes all too easy for me to forget.

I remember Cottle telling us on that first day that he didn't think that she had intended to kill herself, that he was fairly certain that her suicide attempt had been a spur of the moment kind of thing... and I remember him telling us that if she had planned it she would almost certainly have used her gun rather than a knife. At the time my knowledge of the events on New Caprica was limited at best and my guilt was just too raw and too overwhelming to allow me to think things through, but now I realize that -given everything she had just been through, everything we have found out in these past few weeks- a spur of the moment attempt was probably the best we could possibly have hoped for. Yes, I pushed her over the edge when I should have tried to pull her away from it, there's no denying that -and that is something I'm going to have to learn to live with- but the fact remains that by the time I did that the edge was already crumbling under her feet anyway.

The events of that day are not something I enjoy thinking about, but there are a part of our past. They are going to be with us for the rest of our lives and that means we have no choice but to try to learn from them and move forward, though even that is going to be a challenge.

A lot has happened in these past few weeks and a lot has come to light and while in a way I am fairly certain that that is actually a good thing, the fact remains that those changes are going to take some getting used to. Yes, I freely admit that I am horrified by most of what I have learned but that's unlikely to do anyone any good and that means that we **_do_** have to become reacquainted with one another. The problem is that, as silly as it sounds, at times I am having a hard time seeing her as anything but an abused little girl, something even I can see is patently absurd. Still, even though the facts themselves haven't changed, my perception of them has and that **_is_** something I am going to have to come to terms with... preferably before she is cleared for duty.


	113. Chapter 113

_**For notes warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 113  
(Kara's POV)

I keep pushing my food around my plate, not quite knowing what the frak I am supposed to say or even how the frak I am supposed to behave. Yes, I've known the Old Man for years but this is uncharted territory and, even though I trust him and I know he is trying to do the right thing, this whole thing feels wrong.

I am so tired of feeling like I am being interrogated even when I'm not being asked any frakking questions, I am so tired of being hounded by the constant reminders and of having both Adamas walking on frakking eggshells around me. I want things to go back to the way they were... maybe not to having the Old Man kicking me out of my chair or calling me a cancer, but to the way things were before New Caprica, before I screwed up, but at the same time the fear is still there. The fear that I am going to let something else slip, that I'm going to dig myself into an even deeper hole... that they are going to find out just how thoroughly I screwed up, just how thoroughly I betrayed my own frakking species.

I almost became a frakking cylon incubator...no, it wasn't just that. I was _**willing**_ to become a cylon incubator, I was willing to love a hybrid. That is the bottom line and that is also the part he doesn't get, or rather it is the part he wouldn't get if I were to tell him about it, not that I intend to do that. He may be willing to look the other way when it comes to Leoben, he may even be willing to pretend that I didn't have a say in that regard, that there was nothing else I could have done, but Kacey would be a completely different story. That one was most definitely my choice. I loved her. I thought she was a hybrid, I thought she was everything I was supposed to hate and I still loved her.

I shake my head at that, knowing that that kind of thinking is the one most likely to get me into trouble.

"Are you okay?" I hear the Old Man ask, and I realize that he probably caught that little gesture.

"I'm fine," I lie, hoping that he will just let it go, but knowing that chances are that he won't.

"You know that if you want to talk to me, I'll listen, don't you?"

"Yes," I say, still looking down at my plate, though the fact remains that talking to him is the last thing I want to do. Simply put, the least I say, the lower the chances that I am going to let something slip... and that means I'm going to need a diversion, something I can give him, but the truth is that -thanks to their constant pounding- I am running out of viable diversions and I do know better than to lie to him. That is a problem, as it leaves me with annoyingly few options.

"Give me your eyes," he says and I find myself obeying, mostly out of habit, but then I look away almost immediately. I've been here before but he is the Old Man and refusing him doesn't come easy.

"Kara," he insists.

"I'm sorry, it's just that..." I trail off.

"Just that what?"

"Why?" I ask.

"Why what?"

"Why are you doing this? Why am I here?" I blurt out before I can even stop myself. I should really know better than to give him an opening like that, but at times it feels like I can't stop myself, not that that comes as much of a shock. I'm a screw-up, I screw up, it's what I do. It is in my nature and that is one of those things that are unlikely to change in the foreseeable future.

He looks at me for a moment and I have to fight the urge to squirm under his scrutiny. "You scared me," he finally admits.

"I... I'm afraid I don't understand."

"I almost lost you, Kara," he says in a way that reminds me so much of Lee it is almost scary... and that in itself is part of the problem because the Old Man is most definitely _**not**_ Lee. That is something I can't afford to forget. Lee I know I can handle, though lately I seem to be having trouble even with that one, but the Old Man is an entirely different matter.

"I'm sorry."

"I don't want you to apologize, I want you to talk to me."

"What do you want me to say?"

"Why did you do it?" he asks.

"It seemed like the right thing at the time... hell, I'm still not sure it _**wasn't**_ the right frakking thing but I screwed up... I couldn't even get it right..."

"Don't you ever let me hear you say something like that again!" he all but yells.

"Why not? It's the truth isn't it?"

"No, it's not," he replies, glaring at me.

"I guess I... I just wanted it to stop."

"Care to define 'it'?"

"Everything. The dreams, the memories and the frakking fear. I just wanted it to be over with. I am so frakking tired," I whisper, closing my eyes and dropping my fork.

"Are?" he asks and I realize that I didn't just slip there, he was also kind enough to catch that one and now he is calling me on it. The thing is that I don't think he would believe me if I were to tell him that I just meant that I am not sleeping properly and that means that the stakes have just been raised, my hand sucks, and, to make matters worse, I can't exactly afford to fold here.


	114. Chapter 114

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 114  
(Adama's POV)

I can almost see the wheels turning in Kara's mind as she tries to rearrange her defenses and I can't help but wonder what is it going to take for me to get through to her, what is it going to take for me to get her to understand what losing her would have done to me. This is the frakking military, I'm an admiral and discussing my feelings is not in the job description... not that she is likely to do much better in that regard. I just wish I could keep her safe. It's a crazy notion, seeing how she is a Viper pilot and, no matter how good she is, the life expectancy of a Viper pilot in times of war is usually measured in months, not in years... though right now the same could be said for all of us.

Yes, we made it out of New Caprica and we are still trying to hold on, but the truth is that the odds are stacked against us. We don't know where Earth is and, even if we did -and even if we had the means to get there- we have no reason to believe that they would have the technology they would need to fend off the cylons. Do we have a right to run the risk of sealing their doom in what is likely to be a futile attempt to save ourselves? That is something I try not to think about... and yet that thought is always there. Right now the fleet needs Earth, it needs the hope that concept represents and the bottom line is that, even though New Caprica was a total and unmitigated disaster, we just don't have the means to keep limping across the galaxy for much longer. Our ships are not just overcrowded, they are also beginning to fail due to lack of maintenance and spare parts. Oh, there are some that are still in reasonably good shape, such as the Galactica and, to a lesser extent Colonial One, but we can't cram forty thousand souls into two ships no matter what we do and that means that sooner or later we are going to have to settle somewhere, and in that regard New Caprica _**was**_ our second chance and any future attempt is likely to be a far more challenging proposition.

As inhospitable as it was, that rock was as close to a defensible planet as we were likely to find at a time when we had two battlestars to at least try to defend our position. We've lost one of those already and, even though we have the remnants of the colonies' technology, we don't have the means to replicate it. Even if we were to find an inhabitable world that is resource rich it would take us at least a couple of generations, if not a couple of centuries, to be able to build a spaceship from scratch. We would not only have to rebuild the basic infrastructure but also our knowledge base. Most of our books were destroyed and even the handful of experts that managed to survive are unlikely to have the experience necessary to recreate the early and intermediate stages of most technologies. We may have the theoretical knowledge to build a bomb that can kill millions in the blink of an eye, but we would be hard-pressed to find someone who can knap a decent arrow head.

Well, that is something we are going to have to deal with sooner or later, but for the time being my top priority should be trying to get through to Kara. The problem is that even trying to think of what she's been through at times seems to be too much, hence my mind's tendency to revert to thinking of the future and the logistics of a non-existent settlement, but at the same time I know I have to focus. I know Starbuck, I know she is going to do everything within her power to divert my attention, and I know I can't allow her to bluff her way out of this one.

"I... I just want to forget... to put all this crap behind me, but I can't... especially not now," she says.

"What do you mean?" I ask, even though I think I have a pretty good idea.

"Nothing," she replies, trying to put up yet another wall.

"Kara, please," I insist, fighting the urge to grab her shoulders and physically shake some sense into her.

"You know," she whispers.

"Care to explain that?" I ask, feeling in my gut that there is more to those words than it seems.

"I just want this to be over with, I just want to forget, but..."

"But we know," I finish for her when she trails off.

"Yes... you know but you don't understand."

"Then make us," I challenge.

"I can't!"

"Why not?"

"Because you weren't frakking there! I... I'm sorry, sir... I..."

"It's okay, Kara. I wouldn't have asked you if I didn't want to know. Forget about rank, forget about protocol and talk to me," I plead.

"I don't know how to explain. I can tell you what happened, but that wouldn't really do me any good, would it? No matter what I say, it's going to seem like I'm either downplaying it or overdramatizing it. I mean, even _**I**_ feel like I'm blowing it out of proportion. It wasn't like it was something new, for frak's sake!"

"It may not have been something new but I don't see how you could possibly overdramatize it. The fact that it wasn't 'something new' doesn't make it right," I say, still struggling to understand her acceptance, her eagerness to take the blame for everything that was done to her.

"Then maybe the problem is that you are the one that is blowing it out of proportion... that's why it's so hard for me to explain, because I know that no matter what I say, I just won't be able to get you to understand," she huffs before going on. "I mean, on the one hand it was hell, I won't deny that, but from a rational perspective... I guess from a rational perspective it was not much worse than going to the dentist."

"To the dentist?" I repeat, trying to make some sort of sense out of that seemingly incongruous comparison.

"I know it sounds silly but... when you go to the dentist you have to force yourself to walk into that office and sit on that chair. You know chances are it's going to hurt -frak, you know that some creep you barely know is literally going to be drilling a hole into you- but you still go in there, you open your mouth and try not to think about what's being done to you while you pray that it will soon be over. I mean, I know it's not the same but..."

"But at least up to that point the comparison holds?" I ask, still not quite knowing what to make out of that one but remembering her words about how Jonas taught her to go to the pain.

"Something like that. The thing is that when you go to the dentist you don't think it is a big deal, and you certainly don't worry that its the first think people are going to think about whenever they see you for the rest of your life. It is just something that happens, something that has to be endured, but when it comes down to it, it is no big deal."

"And that is what you are afraid of isn't it? That this is going to be the first thing people think about whenever they see you for the rest of your life?" I ask as I begin to understand what some of her most basic fears are.

"I... I guess. I just want to forget but..."

"But we keep reminding you?"

"Yes," she whispers and the question is how do we move past this point. I think I am beginning to understand where she's coming from but at the same time the fact remains that I still need some answers.


	115. Chapter 115

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 115  
(Kara's POV)

The Old Man is looking at me, almost as if he were trying to piece some kind of puzzle together and I can literally see the moment in which he comes to a decision. That frightens me, but I know I'm just going to have to hold my ground. I don't really know what's going to happen here but, seeing how flight is not exactly an option, fight is going to have to do... even if I am hopelessly outgunned.

"And before we found out, did you?"

"Did I what?" I ask, not quite knowing what he means.

"Forget," he says.

"No, I didn't but..." I trail off.

"But what?"

"But back then it didn't really matter. It wasn't a big deal," I say with a shrug.

"Because no one knew?"

"Yes."

"And now we do, and you are worried that this is the first thing we are going to think about?"

"Yes!"

"So it's not so much that you want to forget, but rather that you'd like us to do so."

"I guess," I admit, knowing that he has a point.

"And I guess the fact that we keep asking questions is not exactly helping matters either is it?" he asks and I just shake my head at that.

"Kara, look at me," he says for what feels like the umpteenth time, and for the umpteenth time I obey.

"Yes, this whole thing caught us completely off guard, and we do have some questions but I promise, it _**will**_ get better."

"But why can't you just let it go?" I ask.

"Because sooner or later it _**would**_ come back to haunt us and that's not a risk I am willing to take. We need to know before we can move on, we need to know in order to move on," he insists.

"What's the frakking point? We can talk about it all the way to Earth, but that's not going to change anything, is it? It happened, you can't change it and neither can I!" I all but snap.

"Reverse our positions. Take Lee, or maybe Zak, as an example if you have to. If someone had done to either of them half the things Leoben, or Jonas, or even your mother did to you, would you want to know or would you be willing to look the other way? Would you be willing to just let it go?" he challenges and I can barely keep myself from glaring at him because, as much as I hate to admit it, I would _**not**_ have let it go, especially not considering that while I am having a hard time trying to picture either Zak or Lee in that position, I have no trouble imagining what I would have done if it had been Kacey. If someone had done that to her I would most definitely _**not**_ have let it go. I would have kept at it until I had the whole story, and then, one way or another, I would have hunted the bastards down. I would have made them pay.

Seeing my reaction he goes on. "And do you think I would have been able to let it go if it had been one of my sons?"

"No, but I'm not..." I begin but he interrupts me.

"I told you once and I will tell you again: as far as I am concerned, you are the daughter I never had," he reminds me.

"But I'm a screw-up!"

"You are a hot-head, I'll give you that, and that may cause you to screw up every now and then, but that doesn't make you a screw-up, and I can no more let this go than I could if it were Lee or Zak."

"You don't understand... I..."

"Then make me," he all but dares me. "Talk to me, help me understand so that we can move on."

"No," I plead. I can't stop myself, even though I know it is a show of weakness I can ill afford.

"Trust me."

"I can't, it's... you'll hate me," I say, even though I knew from the moment I realized what my reaction would have been if it had been Kacey that there's no way I'm going to get him to let go. The problem is that, while a part of me can understand _**why**_ he's doing this, while a part of me understands that he is not trying to hurt me, I also know the one thing he doesn't: I know just how much he _**doesn't**_ know.

Is there a way for me to explain? I don't think so. What I did... there's no way I can defend myself, that is the difference. It is not about what was done to me, it is about what _**I**_ did. I screwed up, I didn't even try to fight, I let Leoben do whatever he wanted to me, I believed him when he told me that Kacey was my daughter, that she was a hybrid, and I loved her in spite of that fact. Hell, even now, when the Old Man told me to imagine what I would have done if someone had hurt Lee or Zak it was actually Kacey's image that filled my mind. I saw Jonas reaching for her and that thought was enough to make me almost literally sick, so much so that even now I am having a hard time trying to get it off my mind. Yes, I know now that she's not a hybrid, just as I know she's not really my daughter, but I couldn't help myself.

What would I have done if it had been Kacey? It doesn't matter. It wasn't Kacey. Jonas is dead and she is safe, I try to remind myself, safe and back with her mother -her real mother- where she belongs.

* * *

_**Author's notes**_: Hi guys, this is just a little heads up about a possible delay when it comes to the posting of the next chapter. My computer sort of died on me and I had to borrow my uncle's to upload this one. The thing is that while this chapter was basically done when my computer broke down (though it may still be a little rougher than it should), I hadn't even begun the process of proofreading the next one. I am hoping to get the situation sorted out by next month, but in the meantime I am basically stuck. Anyway, I will still try to get the next chapter posted on time, but if I can't I wanted you to know what was going on..

Take care and thanks for reading (and reviewing, of course),

Alec


	116. Chapter 116

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 116  
(Adama's POV)

And we are back to square one, I suddenly realize. What is it going to take for me to get her to understand that I don't blame her? I don't know, in fact I'm not sure it is even possible. If it were just Leoben I might have been able to pull it off, but this notion that she deserves whatever happens to her is something that is too deeply ingrained. It is something her mother literally beat into her pretty much from the day she was born. That means I am up against a lifetime's worth of conditioning in that regard, and yet for a moment there I thought I almost had her, for a moment I thought I had actually managed to get through to her, but then I lost her again. Where did I lose her? That, I suspect is the key.

When I first told her to reverse our positions, when I asked her whether she would have been able to let it go if it had been Lee or Zak she actually seemed to understand. It was only when I asked her to accept that I can no more let it go in her case than I could if it had been either of my sons that she reverted to her standard response, that she went back to telling me that I just don't understand. Why did she revert to that position? The easy answer would be that she remains convinced that she deserves whatever happens to her, that she insists on holding herself to a standard that cannot possibly be met and that, combined with the fact that chances are that there are quite a few things she still hasn't told us, makes it that much harder for her to accept that no one is going to blame her for what she went through. The thing is that my gut tells me that that 'easy answer' is, if not incorrect, at best only partially accurate. There is something else that is bothering her, something that is making her look downright sick.

It is a new element, of that I am pretty sure, the question is what kind of a role is that element likely to play. For a moment I wish Cottle were here, but while I would most definitely have welcomed his input, I can't exactly call a time-out here and that leaves me with no choice but to fight this battle with the weapons that are currently available to me.

"Put someone else in your place, someone you care for. Would you blame them?" I ask, going back to the one thing I know got a reaction out of her and once again I see her wince, even though this time around I was careful to leave my sons' names out of it.

"No," she says without hesitation.

"But you think I will not just blame you but actually hate you for what you went through. What's the difference?" I push.

"She did nothing wrong, she... she was just a pawn," she whispers.

"She?" I repeat, realizing that, if I am to get anywhere here, I am going to need a name to replace that particular pronoun.

"It... it doesn't matter."

"Don't lie to me, Kara, who is 'she'? Who did nothing wrong?" I prod, even though she is looking downright terrified.

"Kacey," she says after what feels like ages. It takes me a moment to even place that name.

"The little girl?" I ask and she just nods at that. The question is just where does that child fit into any of this. Is she the new element I had sensed earlier? And if she is, what role does she have to play in this whole story? From what I've heard she is a toddler, so the fact that 'she did nothing wrong' is pretty much a given, but then why did Kara bring her up? I go over my words once more together with what I know of what she went through down on New Caprica. I told her to reverse our positions, to imagine how she would have reacted if she were in my place and I suggested that she imagined one of my sons in that position, even though I knew that, given the nature of what she went through, they were actually a rather poor fit. It was just that those were the first names that came to my mind, only now she has provided me with a third one... one that hints back at an almost forgotten element.

What role did that little girl play in this whole thing? We know she was there when Kara was rescued and we had sort of assumed that she was there to provide an illusion of family, but how deep does the bond between Kara and Kacey actually run? I don't know. Oddly enough we haven't even considered it, though now I suspect I have no choice but to do so. If Leoben wanted to portray the image of a family then Kara must have somehow been coerced into playing the role of the mother... and if Kacey's was the first name that came to her mind when I asked her to reverse our positions, when I asked her to put someone else in her place, it is only natural for her to be upset, especially because while Lee and Zak make poor substitutes, Kacey does not... at least not when it comes to Jonas and her mother.

Hell, I don't even know the little girl, I have never even seen her, and yet I am having a hard time letting go of that mental image. How much harder is it for Kara, who may well think of that little girl as 'her daughter', to imagine her in that position, a position I can't fully understand but one that she is all too familiar with? I don't know, I can't even begin to imagine it and yet I have no choice but to acknowledge that that may well be the image I just triggered in her mind. After all, if I am willing to acknowledge that Kara is, in all the ways that matter, my daughter, then I can't deny the possible existence of an equally powerful bond between Kara and Kacey... and that in turn means that by asking her to reverse our positions I may well have cast Kara's mind into something akin to every parent's worst nightmare.

The thing is that, if that is the case, it is done. I can't undo it and dwelling on it won't do me any good, so the question then becomes where do we go from here? Is this something I can actually turn to my advantage? Maybe, I realize as something remotely resembling a strategy begins to take form in my mind. The problem is that while this is likely to be something I can use to get through to her once and for all, I suspect that I am going to be walking a very fine line here between breaking through to her and actually breaking her.

* * *

**_Author's note_s**: And I'm back… it was a close call but I managed to get this done on time. Hopefully it is not too bad. Take care and thanks for reading (and reviewing),  
Alec


	117. Chapter 117

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 117  
(Kara's POV)

'Well, this is it,' I think to myself, realizing that I've finally done it, that I've finally managed to dig myself into a hole so deep that there's no way I'm ever digging myself out of it. How can I possibly explain Kacey? I don't know, I don't think it is even possible. Frak, the truth is that that little girl somehow managed to get under my skin in a way I can't even begin to understand. Those weeks we were together… it is hard to explain. Yes I was still a prisoner, I was still desperate to get out of that frakking place… and yet there was a part of me that felt like it had finally come home. I would have done anything to protect her… and then as soon as I thought we were safe, as soon as I thought we had made it, a stranger came and ripped her from my arms.

"So you would have blamed her?" asks the Old Man, reminding me of his presence and of the fact that this is not the time for me to be reminiscing.

"No, of course not, she was an innocent!" I exclaim.

"So Kacey did nothing wrong, but you did?" he insists.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because she was just a kid. There was nothing she could possibly have done. Frak, she didn't even have a clue as to why she was there in the first place or what was going on!" I say.

"So if she had been an adult you would have blamed her. It is only because she was a child that you are willing to accept that she was not to blame?"

"No!" I exclaim, almost horrified at the thought.

"So even if she had been an adult you would have accepted that it was not her fault, that whatever it was that was done to her it would have been just that: something that was _**done**_ to her, but you are convinced that you actually deserved it? Or is it just that you don't trust me enough _**not**_ to blame you, that you don't think I would understand?" he asks.

"It was my fault, that is the difference! I didn't fight him, I let him do whatever he wanted to me!" I all but yell at him.

"You just said it. It was what he did to you, and we both know that fighting him wouldn't have done you any good. You were his prisoner, you were at his mercy and you couldn't have stopped him no matter what you did."

"I should have made him kill me!" I insist, even though I know that, as far as hands go, the one I'm currently holding is pretty weak, especially when dealing with a frakking Adama.

"If he had wanted you dead he would have done it, but he wanted you alive didn't he?" he prods, sounding annoyingly reasonable.

"Yes... he... I went along... I actually believed him."

"You believed him?" he asks, catching me off guard once more, and I find myself wondering what the frak is it going to take for me to learn that I have to watch my frakking tongue. This is not Lee, for frak's sake, and I really should know better.

"He said..." I begin, but then I just trail off, knowing that there is no point in even trying to explain.

"What did he say, Kara?" he insists.

"He said that Kacey was my daughter, that she was a hybrid...but it was a lie. It was all a frakking lie!" I snap, trying hard to keep myself from crying at the thought.

"So he actually told you that she was yours?" he asks, sounding more than a little surprised.

"Yes… I… I know it was stupid but…" I trail off.

"But you believed him?" he insists.

"He said that they had made her out of a sample they took when they captured me back on Caprica. I should have known it was all a lie… frak, none of what he told me made any sense, not even her age, she was way too old and I knew it but…" I try to explain, but then I trail off again, shaking my head. I know just how frakkig crazy the whole thing sounds, how stupid I really was, but at the time I wasn't really thinking. Still, there were a little more than two years from the time I went back to Caprica to the moment Leoben introduced me to Kacey. That means that she should have been, at most, a little over a year old… and that was most definitely not the case. I may not know much about babies but even I could tell that there was no way she was less than two years old.

"He had been frakking with your mind for months, Kara," I hear the Old Man say, but I'm done lying to myself.

"I was stupid," I insist.

"You were a prisoner, you were tortured and you were confused, but you survived," he replies, still not getting angry… a fact that is bugging the hell out of me.

"I thought she was mine… I…" I admit.

"You what Kara? What did you do?" he asks, and I realize that there is no point in trying to hide it any longer.

"I loved her," I whisper.

"Of course you did, you thought she was your daughter," he replies.

"I thought she was a frakking hybrid!" I yell, just wanting to get this over with.

"But she wasn't," he points out.

"No, but…" I trail off.

"You loved a child, Kara, a child you thought was your own. There's nothing wrong with that," he insists, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, and I have to fight to keep myself from screaming, even as I wonder what the frak is it going to take to get him to understand, to get him to leave me alone once and for all.

* * *

_**Author's notes**_: Hi guys, first of all, thanks for reading (and reviewing). Now there are a couple of things I wanted to mention:

First, I'm not too sure about this chapter. The truth is that being computerless for almost a month left me pretty much posting without a net, and then I had a really bad couple of weeks (my 13-year old cat passed away some ten days ago. I was there when he was born and I was holding him when he died. Yes, he had a long and happy life and all that, but I loved the little fellow and I miss him like crazy).

Second, I usually try to post every other week, but this time around there's going to be a small delay (no, I won't be posting January 1, I'm not that obsessive, so the next chapter won't be up until the 8th, sorry about that).

And finally, while up until now I've tried to respect canon as much as I could, I'm going to deviate a little from the official timeline here. The situation stands as follows: in the show there are roughly 48 hours from the time Leoben introduces Kacey until the escape from New Caprica. The way I see it this is not long enough to allow Kara to truly bond with Kacey (either in the fic or in the show), so I'm going to be working on the assumption that they spent a couple of weeks, rather than a couple of days, together.

Okay that's it… and I hope you enjoy the holidays!

Alec


	118. Chapter 118

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 118  
(Adama's POV)

I try hard not to smile at the puzzled look on Kara's face, not that there's anything particularly amusing about the current situation. It's just that it is almost as if she were expecting me to blame her for loving that child. I mean, I know she has a really twisted self-image, I know there is a part of her that has a tendency to take onto herself the blame for anything and everything, but even there this is taking things a little too far. Still, the more I think about it, the more apparent it becomes that that is precisely the case, that she does expect me to turn away in disgust at the realization that she did love that child… and I suspect that telling her that that is not the case wouldn't do me any good. Yes, her relationship with that little girl does offer me an unexpected window of opportunity, as it provides me with a sort of common ground that will hopefully enable me to get through to her, but the fact that I can see a bridge in the distance doesn't mean I should go ahead and jump into the abyss.

The problem is that I had honestly hoped that getting Kara to see that she would not have blamed Kacey would be enough to get her to understand that no one is likely to blame her, especially not me, but she doesn't even seem to be aware that there is a double standard at work there. It is as if she were incapable of even conceiving the possibility of not being blamed.

"I was wrong," she insists, with a certainty I find truly frightening.

"No, you weren't."

"But she wasn't mine."

"Family is not just about blood," I remind her.

"She…" she says before trailing off and looking away. The problem is that once again I am faced with a single pronoun that is not likely to do me much good when it comes to figuring out what the frak is going through her mind or where I stand. Is she still talking about Kacey? I don't really know, so I decide to wait a few seconds, giving her a chance to gather her thoughts.

"She wasn't mine, and she took her away."

"Who is 'she'?" I finally ask, realizing that there is more than one she in that statement.

"Her mother. I thought we were safe. I thought we were home… and then she came… she took her away from me," she whispers, and all of a sudden I find myself trying to picture that scene in my mind. The joy at the thought that they had made it, the relief… and then, when she least expected it, the pain. And all that on top of everything she had just been through.

"So you didn't know she wasn't your daughter until after you had landed on the Galactica?"

"No."

"But if you thought she was a hybrid, and you are convinced that loving her was some sort of crime, what did you expect would happen once the rest of us had learned who she was?" I ask before realizing that asking that particular question was probably not the best course of action.

"I… I hadn't really thought about it… there was no time. I just wanted us to be safe, to get out of there, to get us away from Leoben. I know it was stupid but…"

"But that is the point: it wasn't stupid. It was a normal reaction. You were doing what you were supposed to do, what any good parent would have done: you were trying to keep your child safe," I point out.

"But she would have been airlocked, wouldn't she? If she had been mine, I would have killed her!"

"I would most definitely not have airlocked your daughter!" I exclaim, horrified by the fact that she would even think me capable of doing something like that to any child, let alone to one she thought of as hers.

"But if she had been a hybrid…"

"That might have been a problem, but it certainly wouldn't have been a death sentence," I insist, but she just snorts at that.

"You were running on instinct and you thought the Galactica would be safe. You were trying to bring your daughter home," I tell her, wondering what is it going to take for me to get her to understand that and letting go, at least for the time being, the question of whether or not I would have airlocked that little girl.

"It doesn't matter, after all it wasn't like she was my daughter, was it?" she all but growls, the pain apparent in her voice.

"Yes, she was. As far as you were concerned, she was," I say, pushing my advantage and moving in for the kill… or at least pulling her into a hug, suicidal as that move may seem.

No, I don't know if hugging her is going to do me any good here, but I have to reach her somehow, and none of my previous attempts have gotten me anywhere. The problem is that I am also all too aware of Cottle's warnings when it comes to the fact that Kara's views on a number of issues, to say nothing of her reactions to even the most ordinary of situations, are likely to be completely alien. That is one thing the doc has mentioned more than once, and yet it is also something I keep coming up against time and time again, especially because it makes it all but impossible for me to predict what her reactions to even the most ordinary scenarios are likely to be. The truth is that the world that shaped her is one I can't even begin to comprehend, and her time on New Caprica certainly didn't help matters. Still, in spite of everything, I can't help but to feel that the fact that she actually loved that little girl, that she somehow managed to establish a seemingly normal bond with her, is a good sign, especially considering that when I think about Starbuck, 'motherly' is most definitely _**not**_ the first word that comes to mind.


	119. Chapter 119

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 119  
(Kara's POV)

I freeze when I feel the Old Man's arms wrap around me. Why isn't he yelling at me? Why isn't he mad? What is it going to take for me to get him to realize what I did? What will it take for me to get him to understand just how thoroughly I screwed up? I was Leoben's frakking whore, I did whatever he wanted me to, gods damn it! That wasn't something that was done to me. I knew what he was trying to do, what his ultimate goal was, and yet I went to him. I spread my legs willingly and let him do whatever he wanted to me. I didn't fight him, I agreed to share his bed just because it was easier, because it was less painful, because doing so meant that he wouldn't hurt me. He didn't force me to do that, that was my choice. I could have refused, I could have kept on fighting, but I didn't. In the end I even took the clothes he gave me, with everything they entailed... and then I believed his lies, all of them. It is just too much and the thoughts just keep coming. I try to pull away but he doesn't let go and then I find myself crying on his shoulder and holding on as hard as I can, even though I can't even understand why I'm doing it. I try to regain some semblance of control, but I can. I am too tired, too confused. Nothing makes sense any more and I just want it to frakking stop.

"Shh, it's okay. You are safe now," I hear him whisper in my ear.

"No."

"It is over, you are home."

"It will never be over," I insist, shaking my head, and knowing better than to lie to myself like that.

"I know it hurts, but it _**will**_ get better, I promise."

"Kacey..."

"Is alive. She is safe. You brought her home, you did what you had to do," he insists but, as twisted as it sounds, that is not much comfort.

"I miss her," I say before I can even stop myself.

"I know you do," he whispers, leading me to the couch, urging me to sit down and still not letting go. The whole scene still feels so surreal, but the truth is that for the time being I don't particularly care. Yes, I know it's crazy, but I just want to feel safe, even if deep down I know it is only an illusion, one I am going to pay for dearly in the morning.

Oh, I know just how frakked up this particular situation happens to be, I know I should know better, but I am tired of fighting and I just want to be able to rest for a while, to let go... even though I really should know better.

I'm supposed to be a soldier, for frak's sake. I shouldn't be crying my frakking eyes out on the Admiral's shoulder... I shouldn't be crying my frakking eyes out, period, but I just can't help it. I feel so frakking weak, so frakking tired. I failed, I screwed-up like I always do. I couldn't even stop myself from...

"Stop it," I hear the Old Man say.

"I'm sorry," I say, biting hard on my lower lip and trying, without much success, to get my emotions under control.

"Not that," he snaps.

"Sir?" I ask, wondering what the frak he means by that. We are in uncharted territory here, and I don't have a frakking clue of what it is that he doesn't want me to do.

"Stop blaming yourself," he explains.

"What?"

"It wasn't your fault. I told you before, and I will tell you again: you were a prisoner, you were doing what you had to do in order to stay alive until we could pull you out, and you are no more to blame for what that bastard did to you than Kacey was," he insists, and I can't help but to snort at that. Yes, he may have a point when he says that trying to fight Leoben wouldn't have done me any good, that he would have done whatever he wanted to me no matter what I did, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't have tried.

* * *

_**Author's notes:**_ Hi guys, sorry about the ridiculously short chapter, but trying to get this one up to a more respectable length just wasn't working. Take care, and thanks for reading (and reviewing, of course),

Alec


	120. Chapter 120

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 120  
(Adama's POV)

It is an untenable position, and not precisely a new one. If I try to get Kara to open up when she is not utterly exhausted, I run head first into the Great Wall of Starbuck. If I try to take advantage of her exhaustion, on the other hand, I can usually push past her defenses and get her to open up, but then I fall into what at times seems to be a bottomless pit of self-loathing. Yes, the events of the past few weeks have led me to a far greater understanding of the forces that shaped her -and I suspect that the fact that it took me this long to even recognize that there was a problem says something about my own deliberate blindness- but at the same time that understanding is not likely to do me much good, not if I can't get through to her.

Oh, I know she is doing better... but then again, considering where she was, that is not saying much. The thing is that at times it feels like the road ahead keeps getting longer and the task of helping her reclaim some semblance of normalcy keeps getting more and more daunting... and yet at the same time I think I am beginning to understand.

In a way I think the problem is that we keep repeating what the doc once described as Leoben's mistake. I remember how he told us that what she went through with Jonas probably served to mitigate the damage done by that frakking skinjob because her reactions were _**not**_ the ones he was expecting. At the time he likened the impact of Leoben's actions to an attempt to throw a broken glass against the wall... but in a way we too have been expecting her reactions to conform to our own sense of normalcy, even though we really should have known better. We are horrified at the thought of what she went through -that is, I suspect, an almost instinctive reaction- but as much as the thought sickens me, the fact remains that for her being raped was something familiar. From her perspective that was anything but a new experience, and that in itself may have served to lower her resistance because she is likely to have fallen back instinctively on what were in fact deeply ingrained patterns of behavior... patterns of behavior she developed as a child without an adult understanding of what it all meant.

I remember how, when we asked her if Jonas had been the only one, she couldn't even tell. In her mind there was no difference between coercion and consent... and at a fundamental level I suspect that even her understanding of consent may have been somewhat shaky.

Under those circumstances it is not hard to see how, while we are horrified at the thought of what was done to her, she can't see anything but her own compliance, her own failure to fight back. Add to that the fact that from the day she was born she had the notion that she deserved to suffer pretty much beaten into her and all of a sudden her reactions start making a disturbing amount of sense.

After all, if in her mind compliance equals consent, and she didn't fight to the bitter end, if she didn't force Leoben to kill her, then as far as she is concerned she consented... and the way in which Leoben kept presenting her with false choices in an attempt to mold her behavior and get her to go to him "willingly" almost certainly made matters worse. If he had been more aggressive, if he had tied her up and made it physically impossible for her to resist, she might have been able to accept the fact that she was not to blame, but he didn't do that. He wanted to get her to respond to him in certain ways, he had months to frak with her head... and then there was Kacey.

That was a new element, one she probably had no clue of how to deal with, though it was almost certainly a disruptive one.

After all, Kara is not only a soldier but also an only child, and going by what we know of her early years I don't think she had much of an extended family either. Without siblings, cousins, nephews or anything like that, chances are that her interactions with children before New Caprica were few and far between.

Yes, I guess on a rational level I can see where she is coming from, the problem is that, even though I can see where she is coming from, and I can even try to reconstruct some of the details of what passes for her thought process, that doesn't do me much good when it comes to accepting her reactions. Sure, at least in theory I know that the best thing I could do would be to just back off, but as soon as she opens her mouth -as soon as she starts taking upon herself the blame for what that bastard did to her, acting as if she deserved it or as if she actually had a choice- I find myself wrestling with the urge to bodily shake some sense into her... and, knowing my son, I don't think I am the only one.

The problem is that, in spite of everything, there is one thing I can't afford to lose sight of here, and that is that while in these past few weeks we have gained a far better understanding of just where it is that she is coming from, knowing where she is coming from is unlikely to do us much good. We can't change the past, so a far more important question is where do we go from here, and in that regard I suspect that the time has come for us to start asking ourselves when do we say 'enough!, when do we accept that what we stand to gain by asking more questions is unlikely to justify the damage our constant prodding is bound to do. That is not an easy one to answer, not considering that, as obvious as it may seem, we don't know what we don't know. Sure, it would be tempting to assume that we have gotten to the bottom of this, that what we are looking at amounts to a coherent picture, and that therefore the only thing we are likely to be missing are some minor details, but that is a feeling we have had more than once, and more than once we have been wrong. Even tonight the revelations regarding her bond with that little girl caught me off guard, and I can't even begin to imagine what remains hidden.

That in turn brings me back to the question of which one is the greatest threat, the fact that our constant prodding belies our attempts to get her to understand that what she went through doesn't really change anything, that we don't think any less of her because of what she went through, or the traps that may be lurking in those unknown details we are yet to uncover? I don't know. I _**can't**_ know... and yet I know we can't afford to get it wrong.

That is something I am going to have to think about, but I can do that later. For the time being, however, I can see that she has definitely had enough.

* * *

_**Author's notes:**_ Hi guys, I just wanted to say sorry about the delay. This chapter didn't want to be written (okay, part of it had to do with the fact that I kept getting distracted, but that was just part of it). Unfortunately life is about to get a little hectic and that means that either the next chapter, or the one after that, is going to have a two weeks delay. Sorry about that, but I wanted to let you know that I am not abandoning this story, even though it is giving me a bit of a hard time for the time being.

Take care and thanks for reading (and reviewing),

Alec


	121. Chapter 121

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 121  
(Lee's POV)

One of the most annoying aspects of a 'night' CAP is having to try to go to sleep upon your return, when you are almost invariably in the midst of an adrenaline high. Sure, flying CAP is part of the everyday life of a Viper pilot, but it is also a critical element of our early warning system and that means we can't exactly let our guard down, we can't allow it to become routine. The thing is that while under normal circumstances I would go to the rec room or the weight room for an hour or so to unwind, my gut is telling me to check in on Kara first... not to mention that I know I am not likely to relax until I know she's okay. Oh, I know the fear is not necessarily warranted, not any more. I know that a suicide watch is no longer necessary, that she is well enough to be left alone for a couple of hours -in fact I am well aware that she could probably use some breathing room- but the truth is that to this day I still can't open the hatch without dreading what I'm going to find. Yes, on a rational level I know she is doing much better...

In a way that is the downside of the fact that we, or rather she, has been granted what amounts to private quarters. Privacy is a great thing, but it can also be extremely dangerous.

As I make my way into the room I see that she is curled up on herself and whimpering in her sleep, obviously in the grip of a nightmare. It is a familiar scene, or maybe it is the opposite of a familiar scene. How many times have her screams woken me up in these past few weeks. I don't know. It is no longer a daily occurrence, but almost, and the fact that she _**isn't**_ screaming makes me realize that her nightmares may be a lot more prevalent than I think. After all, if it hadn't been for that CAP, this one would almost certainly have gone unnoticed, and that in turn leaves me wondering what to do.

Should I try to wake her up, or should I wait to see if she can snap out of it on her own? I don't know. I hate seeing her like this, but at the same time experience has taught me that trying to shake Kara awake can be hazardous to my health, not to mention that she needs her rest. I hesitate for a moment, but the truth is that I can't stand seeing her in distress, so, rather hesitatingly, I approach the bed.

"Hey," I say, pushing her hair away from her face and preparing to duck, just in case, but when she doesn't even acknowledge my presence I move to rubbing first her shoulder and then her back, trying to get through to her somehow, to offer at least some comfort, and I am relieved to see her turn to me and push her blanket aside, in a gesture that is a little more welcoming than I was expecting... and then I almost jump away as her words from what seems like ages ago suddenly come back to me... 'I got so used to it all that I would barely wake up, spread my legs for him when he started fondling me and then -as soon as he was done- I would just turn around and go back to sleep without giving it a second thought...'

Frak, she is _**not**_ responding to my touch, in her mind she is still responding to that bastard's!

It takes me a couple of seconds to get both my breathing and my emotions under some semblance of control, and once again I find myself wondering what to do. I can see now that she is still asleep, and I know I can't afford to have her find out what just happened. If I sneak out of here now chances are that, even if she remembers something of her dream by the time she wakes up, she will dismiss any role I may have played in it as part of the nightmare itself, but if she were to wake up now the consequences would be devastating, so, as much as the thought of walking out on her under the circumstances bothers me, I sneak out. No, I am not comfortable with my actions, nowhere near it, but I don't need a degree in psychology to realize what is at stake. No matter what happens, I can never let her know what she just did, so, feeling like a coward, I head for the weight room, knowing it has a punching bag with my name on it.


	122. Chapter 122

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 122  
(Adama's POV)

My arms are getting tired. Not surprising considering that I've been here for a while, but I'm still nowhere near an answer, so I turn around, glaring at the hatch when I hear someone enter the weight room. Yes, I know that one of the benefits of being 'The Admiral' is the fact that no one is likely to interrupt my impromptu workout, but if there is one thing I don't need it is precisely a witness to my current mood. Of course that 'no one' does have one exception: Lee.

"Dad," he says as soon as he sees me.

"Son," I reply, wondering what he's doing here.

"What are you...?" he begins but then he trails off... not that I need him to finish that one.

"Nothing, you?"

"Nothing," he replies.

"The same nothing?" I ask.

"Kara?"

"What happened, son?" I ask, knowing that its only been a few minutes since he landed.

"It's complicated," he says, still refusing to answer, and I know that -as tempting as it may seem- I can afford to pull rank here. This is not about military discipline, the respect due to a superior officer or the chain of command. This is about family... and precisely because it is about family, I can't afford to let it go either.

"Is she okay?" I ask, remembering just how upset she was by the time she left my quarters.

"I guess... she... I guess she was having a nightmare," he explains, but somehow I suspect there is more to it than that. Oh, I don't doubt that Lee is telling the truth here, but I know that nightmares are not likely to be an infrequent occurrence after everything Kara's been through, and I seriously doubt Lee comes here after each and every one of them.

"But that's not why you are here," I say after hesitating for a moment. Sure, I know there is a limit as to how far I can push Lee right now, but at the same time I need to know, just as I realize he still has to be told about Kacey. The question is how the frak am I supposed to tell him about that one without betraying Kara's trust in the process.

"I... I just figured it would be better if I wasn't there when she woke up," he says, sounding rather defensive.

"You deliberately left her to wake up alone?"

"I did what I had to do."

"Son..."I push, knowing that there has to be more to it than that.

"It's complicated."

"Complicated?"

"Yes."

"Care to elaborate?"

"I think she thought I was Leoben," he finally admits, and I can't help but to wince at that. No, that is not entirely unexpected, in fact I suspect it is something that was bound to happen sooner or later, but I can only imagine how that must have felt like.

"What did she say?" I ask, watching him closely.

"Nothing. She was asleep and..." he trails off.

"Lee..."

"She never woke up, she didn't know I was there... she didn't know it was me... she..." he rambles, growing increasingly agitated, and I'm not really sure of who he is trying to convince of that, me or himself.

"What happened?" I ask, trying to get him to snap out of it.

"She was asleep, caught in some nightmare. I tried to wake her up, to pull her out of it, but..."

"But what?"

"But it was different. She wasn't screaming, she was barely whimpering. I tried rubbing her back in an attempt to get through to her, and for a moment it even seemed to be working, but then she..." he trails off again at that, and I begin to realize just how hard whatever happened hit him. The problem is that I still don't know what that 'whatever' happens to be and, until I can figure that one out, we are not going anywhere. Unfortunately it is beginning to look like trying to get an explanation out of him here is not going to be much easier than trying to get one out of Kara.

"Son..."

"No, dad, believe me, it was better that way. How about you?"

"Me?"

"Why are you here?" he asks, and I realize that, having demanded an explanation out of him, I now have no choice but to answer his question, at least to a certain extent.

"It wasn't anything specific. I asked her to have dinner with me in my quarters. We talked for a while and... and I think there are some things I am beginning to understand... even if they don't make sense."

"Such as?" he insists.

"She's terrified. She blames herself, she doesn't seem to realize that she didn't have a choice and she keeps expecting us to turn away from her in disgust as a result. The problem is that -even though I think I am beginning to understand where she is coming from- I don't know what to say to make her realize that she is wrong, that we are not going anywhere, that she is safe... of course, there is also the fact that the way I treated her upon her return is not exactly helping matters."

"Wait, you understand where she's coming from?"

"Not quite but... I think it all goes back to some of the things she told us when we first asked her about Jonas," I say.

"What do you mean?"

"When we asked her if Jonas had been the only one, she couldn't even tell."

"I remember," Lee says curtly.

"Well, if in her mind compliance equals consent, and if she complied with Leoben, at least to a certain extent, then I suspect that, at least the way she sees it, she not just consented, but she also 'collaborated with the enemy', and I don't think she can even conceive the possibility that we are not going to see it that way. It all goes back to something that is just too deeply ingrained... and, unfortunately, in her mind it probably _**does**_ add up to something resembling a coherent narrative. The fact that we don't blame her, that we don't hold what she went through against her is so alien to what has been her own experience, to everything she has been taught to expect from the time she was a little girl, that there is no way she can even begin to comprehend it," I explain, or try to, even as I struggle to figure out just how am I supposed to broach the subject of Kacey.


	123. Chapter 123

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 123  
(Lee's POV)

'Well, at least that would explain what triggered Kara's nightmare', whispers an annoyingly rational little voice in the back of my mind, though it is almost completely drowned by the far more visceral reaction of wanting to punch something, or rather someone... preferably Leoben, or Jonas, or... I trail off when I realize that I have just run out of names, even though I have barely scratched the surface. That, in itself, is enough to make me almost painfully aware of the magnitude of what Kara's been through. It is overwhelming... and it also serves as yet another reminder of the fact that there is nothing I can do here. That the most I can do is vent my frustrations on a punching bag.

In a way I guess that is the worst of it. I can't protect her. These are her demons, and all I can do is watch and try to be there for her, but even there I am afraid I am going to screw up. Kara is just not cut out to be a damsel in distress, and she certainly doesn't need me to fight her battles for her, but at the same time I can't help but to want to keep her safe, to make sure she is protected, and to tear each of the bastards who ever dared to do so much as look at her with my bare hands.

I am still thinking about that when I realize that the Old Man is saying something.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" I ask.

"Where were you?" he asks.

"Thinking about what happened tonight," I reluctantly admit, not wanting to elaborate any further.

"Son," he prods.

"I am fairly certain that she thought she was back in New Caprica. I tried to wake her up, but... but I guess she thought I was Leoben, and, given her response, I figured it would be better for everyone involved if she never knew what had happened," I explain, doing my best to answer my father's question without revealing more than I should. It isn't easy.

"Her response?"

"It doesn't matter," I lie.

"No, I guess it doesn't," says the Old Man after hesitating for a moment. "Any idea of what brought this about?"

"My guess would be your talk with her. I take it that didn't go as well as you had hoped it would."

"Oh, I never expected it to be easy. I guess the problem is that we don't know what we don't know," he explains, and I know just what he means by that. If only we knew what it is that we are up against, maybe we would be able to come up with some sort of strategy, but as things currently stand we live in constant fear of stepping on a land mine. We don't know what's going to set her off, we don't know how to get through to her, and that is exhausting. Still my gut tells me that something happened tonight.

"What did you find out?" I ask.

"Kacey, the little girl... she actually thought she was her daughter until she arrived on the _Galactica_."

"_**WHAT?**_"

"She was led to believe that that child was biologically hers, the product of the cylons' experiments to be accurate, she bonded with her, and then she had her literally torn from her arms just as she was beginning to think they were safe," he says, looking almost sick at the thought, not that he is the only one.

What am I supposed to say to that? 'Those frakkers?' I've said it so many times that the words have been rendered almost completely meaningless, and other than that there is not much I can do. Once more I am powerless.

"What are we going to do?" I finally manage to choke out.

"I don't know. She..." he begins, but he seems unsure of how to even finish that thought, and I realize that I am not the only one who is at a loss here. Still after a few seconds he seems to gather his thoughts and then he goes on. "She is incredibly confused, but there is more to it than that."

"More?"

"I think that's one of the things she was so afraid of, that we would learn about it and blame her."

"Blame her for what?" I ask, wondering what it is that I am missing here because, no matter how I look at it, that doesn't make sense.

"For loving a hybrid. I tried to tell her that no one is likely to hold it against her but..."

"But that got you nowhere fast?" I finish for him, trying hard not to smile at the resulting mental image. After all, I am intimately acquainted with Kara's wall of self-loathing, and I know all too well how effective any attempt at tackling it head-on is likely to be.

"No... in fact I'm afraid I may have made matters worse," he reluctantly admits, in a voice that makes me realize just how out of his depth he actually feels. That's why he is here, hitting a punching bag in the middle of the night and trying to wrap his mind around the magnitude of what we are up against. That thought is both comforting and terrifying. Yes, it's been well over twenty years since I stopped believing that my dad could make everything alright, but for some reason the realization that he is as lost as I am comes as something of a shock.


	124. Chapter 124

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 124  
(Cottle's POV)

As soon as I see the looks on both Adama's faces I am sorely tempted to bang my head against the wall... repeatedly. No, giving myself a concussion is not likely to make this any less painful, but it may serve to blunt my memory of the event.

"So, care to fill me in?" I ask.

"It's about Kara," says Bill, looking more than a little uncomfortable.

"Of course it is. What did she do now?" I reply, fighting the urge to roll my eyes at that.

"It's complicated. She..."

"She is a mess?" I ask when he doesn't elaborate.

"That would be one way of putting it," he admits.

"Fair enough, then let me ask you a different question: is she more of a mess than she was before whatever brought the two of you here happened?"

"I don't know, why?"

"I'm just trying to determine the source of the problem here."

"It's the little girl that was with her on New Caprica. She actually thought she was her daughter. She was deceived by the cylons, and now she has managed to convince herself that loving her was some sort of crime, that we are going to turn on her because of it," he explains

"And are you?"

"Of course not!"

"So what's the problem?"

"That she won't listen to us!"

"Of course she won't, she's Starbuck," I remind him.

"You think this is some kind of joke?"

"No, but, let's face it, that is not exactly a new development. For all her cockiness, and her tendency to bend the rules, she has always been inclined to take the blame, whether she deserved it or not. It was something that was literally beaten into her early on, and you know it," I try to explain, knowing that this is something they both need to get through their thick skulls, but at the same time knowing that I have to tread carefully here... especially seeing how they are _**both**_ here, even though the younger Adama hasn't said a single word up until now. Yes, they are not here in a military capacity, they are here as the closes thing to family my most annoying patient happens to have, but, even though I consider Bill Adama to be one of my closest friends, I can't afford to forget that he is also the Admiral of the Fleet, and in that regard the presence of one of his subordinates does serve to complicate matters here. It is the fact that military hierarchy and personal relationships, combined with the end of the worlds, has pretty much everyone here pulling double duty that is driving me crazy. I am both Bill's friend and subordinate, to say nothing of his Chief Medical Officer. Apollo is both his son and his CAG, rules concerning nepotism be damned, and Starbuck is not only his lead pilot, but also the ship's chief screw-up, and the closest thing to a daughter he happens to have. As for Starbuck and Apollo, well, just trying to sort that one out is enough to give me a headache, so I'll just say that even though Bill thinks of both of them as 'his children', 'brotherly' is not the first word that comes to mind when it comes to describing the feelings those two clowns have for each other, and leave it at that.

"So what are we supposed to do about it?"

"I'd suggest you learn to live with it," I say, deciding that, at least for the time being, Kara, and their respective roles as members of 'her family' have to take priority.

"That's it?"

"There are some things you can't fix, Bill," I remind him.

"Yes, but..."

"There are scars, there will always be. We have gone over this before. You can't change her past, and what that girl needs to do is to learn, or rather relearn, how to function with her memories. The thing is that, as long as you keep reminding her, she won't even be able to do that much. Yes, I realize that you are trying to help, but they are _**her**_ memories, and the real problem is that, by trying to fix this, you run the risk of making matters worse."

"But we also need to know what it is that we are up against," he insists, though, much to my relief, he doesn't seem particularly adamant about it.

"I think by now we know most of what we need to know, though that doesn't mean we don't have to keep an eye on her reactions. If you see something in them that doesn't seem to fit, by all means, question her about it and figure out what the frak it is that you need to do to make it right, but other than that she needs to be able to reclaim her life, and that means that, at least for the time being, the two of you should at least try to back off. She is doing as well as can be expected, she is alive, and, barring a cylon attack, likely to remain that way. That in itself means that she is doing a lot better than I thought she would be. Now, I understand that the two of you are having a hard time trying to wrap your minds around her past, that you want some answers, to say nothing of a way to kiss it and make it better. That is perfectly understandable, but this is the real world and in the end that is your problem, not hers."


	125. Chapter 125

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 125  
(Lee's POV)

I'm watching the exchange between the doc and the Old Man, listening without saying anything and wondering what the frak am I doing here. Sure, I get what Cottle is saying, in fact in a way I guess it actually makes sense, but at the same time I suspect that what happened last night in our quarters falls under the category of things we need to know. The problem is that there is no way I can ask Kara about it... not considering that she has no memory of the event, and, seeing how I managed to keep the specifics from my dad last night, neither does he, or the doc, and the truth is that I'd rather keep it like that.

Yes, after what happened the three of us got in the habit of debating Kara's issues behind her back, trying to come up with a common strategy and present something remotely resembling a unified front in what was at the time a desperate struggle to keep her alive, but no matter how hard I try, I can't bring myself to tell them what happened last night. Maybe its because that little incident triggered something in me that made me realize that Kara does have a right to some semblance of privacy that we have been disregarding for a little too long, or maybe it is because it is something she doesn't even know about, and that makes telling anyone else feel like even more of a betrayal, but the bottom line is that this whole scene just feels wrong... and yet at the same time there is no denying that I really need some help here.

Oh, I don't think there is a chance in hell that I would have mistaken her advances and taken advantage of the opportunity no matter what she did, I do know better than that, but it still wouldn't have taken much for me to make a catastrophic error there. If I hadn't backed off when I did, if I had succeeded in waking her up without realizing what was going on, the results could have been devastating. Sure, that didn't happen, but just the thought of a repeat performance, couple with the possibility of making such a mistake, is enough to send a shiver down my spine.

I am still trying to sort that one out when the decision is suddenly taken out of my hands as Cottle asks for my opinion.

"I'm not sure. I realize that things won't ever go back to the way they were, and I understand why we have to back off, but at the same time we can't afford to make a mistake. The problem is that the line between those two is not always as clear cut as we would like it to be, and we may not even know on which side we stand until it is too late. Last..." I begin, but then I manage to stop myself, realizing where this is headed and knowing that I can't afford to go there. The problem is that the mistake has already been made and trying to backpedal in front of the doc and the Old Man is not easy.

"Last, what? Last night?" asks my father, narrowing his eyes.

"It doesn't matter," I say, with a new understanding of how Kara feels whenever we corner her, demanding that she answer our questions.

"What happened last night?" prods the doctor, effectively blocking my retreat.

"She had a nightmare, that was all," I reply, not entirely a lie, even though I know that I am getting dangerously close.

"It must have been a bad one for you to seek shelter in the training room," remarks the Old Man.

"As I told you last night, I don't really know... I left without waking her up."

"Why?" asks Cottle.

"Why what?"

"Why did you leave? That's not like you," he points out.

"It's complicated. I just felt that my being there when she woke up was unlikely to be a good idea."

"And that brings me back to my original question: why?" he insists, and I realize that the harder I try to fight him off, the more insistent he is bound to become.

"I suspected that she thought I was Leoben, and I suspected that realizing that would have done more harm than just letting the nightmare run its course. It was a calculated decision."

"Is it the first time something like that has happened?"

"I don't know, I think so but... last night was different," I explain, relieved by the fact that at least we are away from the details."

"Different how?"

"Usually, when she has a really bad nightmare, she is loud and distraught enough to wake me up, and I respond accordingly. Last night I was coming in after CAP. She was whimpering, she was obviously in some distress, but I don't think it would have been enough to draw my attention if I had actually been asleep at the time. I hesitated, not sure of whether or not the situation was serious enough for me to rouse her, but in the end I just couldn't stand seeing her like that."

"In other words, the dynamic was different?"

"Yes, I was probably gentler with her than I have been in other instances, seeing how I didn't want to startle her. Under normal circumstances there is no question in my mind as to whether waking her up is likely to do more harm than good, so I go with my first instinct, last night, for once, a calculated decision was actually an option. She wasn't in a blind panic and I was afraid that by waking her up I could end up giving rise to an awkward situation that would compromise her ability to feel comfortable in my presence. That's why I left."

"So you were just being rational about the whole thing?" Cottle all but snorts, and I realize that somehow he is not buying the load of manure I am trying to sell here... not that I blame him. Yes, I've twisted the facts beyond recognition here, but at the same time I know that that was the best I could do.


	126. Chapter 126

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 126  
(Cottle's POV)

For a moment I wonder whether or not I should try to push Apollo for an answer here. I can see that there is a lot more to this story than he is telling us, in fact -seeing how Starbuck all but told us that most of her encounters with Leoben after the first few days were not violent at all, that she actually went along, and how when she was in the midst of a nightmare she was probably responding to Apollo's touch more than anything else- I am fairly certain that I can fill in the blanks without too much trouble. The problem is that that doesn't really tell me what the frak am I supposed to do here.

On the one hand there is what I just said, the fact that I need to get them to back off, to give that girl some breathing room and to stop trying to run her life. In that regard the fact that Apollo is probably embarrassed enough to do what he should is an unexpected blessing. It is the other hand that is giving me trouble here because it is pretty apparent that this is indeed one of those things that can come back to haunt us in the future, especially seeing how, even though his decision to let the nightmare run its course and pretend that nothing ever happened was a fortunate one, this is one of those instances in which both a repeat performance and a serious error may be all but impossible to avoid. It is not an obvious threat that we are facing, but rather one of those things that lie in ambush and can spring a trap on us without so much as a moment's notice.

In the end it is the fact that Bill's curiosity has obviously been aroused that causes me to make up my mind. I understand and share Apollo's reluctance to share the details of what happened with him, I know it was a private moment and that it is basically none of his business, but unfortunately Bill also happens to be the Admiral of the Fleet and as such he is not exactly used to taking 'no' for an answer... not to mention that he can't stand not knowing what is going on with a member of his crew, and that goes double when it comes to that girl... in fact I suspect it is even more true when it comes to her than when it comes to his own son. That means that there is no way he is going to be willing to let it go, and we can't run the risk that he'll try to get an answer out of Kara herself. Oh, I know he is not likely to make such a glaring mistake, but I also know him well enough to realize that he is going to be demanding an explanation out of someone at one point or another, and I'm afraid that my own attitude may have served to dig the hole in which the younger Adama currently finds himself a little deeper.

Well, it's too late and there is nothing I can do about that, not any more, and that means that Bill will have to be filled in... and that is bound to be an interesting conversation, one that I would much rather have in a somewhat controlled environment.

Having made up my mind I ask, "so, is it safe to assume that there was an erotic, or at least a sexual element to that dream?"

"Yes," Apollo grudgingly admits, turning an interesting shade of red, and I find myself wondering if is really so naive that last night's incident could actually have caught him by surprise. On the one hand that very notion seems utterly absurd, after all he has spent years living in pilots' quarters, and while bunk room etiquette dictates that those dreams be deliberately ignored, that doesn't mean that they are rare, or that they go completely unnoticed. Both of those things are just part of human nature. Of course, this could all boil down to something far simpler than that. After all, this is Kara we are talking about, and even though we have talked about what that girl's been through until we are almost literally blue in the face, those are just words, and I suspect that even after all this time and all this talking there is still a part of both Adamas that is not ready, or rather willing, to confront the reality of what she went through. There are no obvious scars to serve as a visible reminder of her ordeal and it is just too huge for them to comprehend. In fact part of the problem may have to do with the fact that, at least as far as Apollo is concerned, last night's incident may have come as something that was a little too close to tangible proof for comfort.

"And you are not sure of what you should do the next time it happens?" I ask.

"'Next time'?" he all but squeaks, and I'm glad to see that I even managed to get a two syllable answer out of him on that one.

"It is a matter of when, not if, and you know it," I point out, knowing that denial is not likely to get us anywhere here.

"Isn't there something I can do?"

"To prevent it from happening again, not really, and the same goes for coming up with a way to ensure that you don't screw up," I say, anticipating what is almost guaranteed to be his next question.

"So what the frak am I supposed to do?" he all but pleads. Cylons he can handle, but this is a different matter altogether. It goes to the core of his main weakness and he is desperately looking for some sort of reassurance. The problem is that what he doesn't seem to realize is that it is actually out of _**all**_ our leagues... and yet, because of their current sleeping arrangements, he is the one who is going to find himself with no choice but to deal with it.

"If it comes to that you acknowledge it, you don't try to pretend that it never happened but rather you let her know that you understand, that you are there if she wants to talk to you, while making it clear that it is _**her**_ choice. You don't act embarrassed and you don't push. You just move on... and in doing so you allow her to do the same," I reply for what feels like the umpteenth time, wondering what the frak is it going to take for that simple bit of advice to stick in both Adama's heads.


	127. Chapter 127

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 127  
(Adama's POV)

I am trying to picture that scene in my mind, but it isn't easy. I guess I can understand the violence, I can picture Kara trying to fight Leoben, defiant and indomitable as she's always been, I can even imagine her being overpowered and forced to submit. It is heartbreaking, it makes me sick, but that is an image I have been living with for a while now... it is also an image that makes it all too easy for me to forget that that is not the whole story. She had the fight beaten out of her and that is probably the part she is having the most trouble trying to come to terms with... and, in two quite different ways, that is precisely what both of last night's incidents were all about, both the one with Lee and what she told me about her relationship with Kacey. They wanted her to comply and they deliberately twisted her mind, her body and her responses to such an extent that she lost an essential part of herself... and they had plenty of time to do that.

She was there for four frakking months. I remember what feels like ages ago, when Cottle asked us how often we thought she had been raped while she was on New Caprica. Back then I said maybe a dozen times. At the time I thought that that figure was totally outrageous, but I didn't want to fall short of his estimate, to seem to be in denial. I thought I was playing it safe, and then he told me that I could be wrong by as much as a zero. When he said that I thought he was crazy, now I know he was right... that if anything he was short of the real number, not that that is likely to make much of a difference.

Thinking about that conversation feels so strange, so distant, and yet it was roughly one month ago... only one fourth of the time she spent in that skinjob's clutches. What would four months of that hell have been like? How did she survive? I don't know.

Even thinking about it in those terms is all but inconceivable. Everything about it is so alien to the woman I know. This is Kara, gods damn it! She is the woman Zak was meant to marry, the one I think of as the daughter I never had. Funny how I've always thought of those two things as going hand in hand, especially because that's not how it went, not really. Yes, her relationship with Zak was the reason why I offered her a spot on the Galactica in the first place. There was something about her pain that got to me, but at the time she was still little more than a stranger to me. It wasn't until I saw her fly for the first time that the bond between us was truly forged, that I was finally able to see her for who she was and she became something far more precious to me than Zak's fiancee. She was in her element, she was free... she was the best of both my sons -both the one I had lost and the one that wouldn't even acknowledge me- and yet I think that deep down, at some level, I knew even then that there was something that didn't quite fit, that the pieces didn't make a whole.

It's been only in these past few weeks, however, that those missing pieces have finally been clicking into place, and as disturbing as the resulting picture is at times, there is no denying that the evidence was there all along. It was not that it was something hidden, it was just that I was not willing to see... and now I'm trying to make some sort of sense out of it.

I guess in the end that is what Cottle is trying to say here. Yes, I am trying to make sense of it, I need to know, but my need to know is just that: mine. In that regard he is probably right when he says that that is _**my**_ problem... though it is not the only one. Another problem has to do with the fact that I just don't know how to let go. I want to help her, to keep her safe, but my ignorance prevents me from doing even that. Frak, who am I trying to kid? My ignorance almost got her killed. If I had known, if she had trusted me, I would never have kicked her out of that chair... and I know that if she had trusted Lee, he would never have volunteered to open that airlock for her. In the end, I suspect that that is what it comes down to. She needed us and we weren't there... no, it was worse than that. It is not just that we failed to help her, but rather that she was hurting and we kicked her while she was down. Those were our mistakes, and those mistakes almost ended up costing her her life. That is something we can't undo, and that is one of the reasons why we are both so reluctant to let this go.

I want to... no, I need to fix this, to make it right, but I know I can't, and I suspect the same is true of Lee. She is our girl. Those bastards got our girl and now we want to help her pick up the pieces, but we can't. In the end those pieces are hers to pick and we can do nothing but watch.

_**Author's notes:**_ Hi guys... err, yes, I know this thing should have been posted over a week ago, sorry about the delay, it's just that things have been a little crazy around here, and there were some important developments in my life in these past couple of weeks, like the fact that I just had triplets... okay, not quite, but I did publish three books at once ('Laira', 'Soulless' and 'Citlalli on the Edge of the Wind'). Anyway, if anyone is interested, the excerpts can be found in my blog at booksandtales (dot) com (slash) blog. Take care and thanks for reading,

Alec


	128. Chapter 128

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 128  
(Cottle's POV)

I am looking into both Adama's faces, trying to follow their respective lines of reasoning, if reasoning is even the right word, and hoping to find some sign that they are actually ready to understand, but those are hard to come by. The problem is that right now I really need to get through to them and I don't know how else I could even try to explain it. Both physically and emotionally Starbuck is ready to resume some of her duties, in fact she desperately needs to start moving forward, reclaiming some semblance of normalcy, and putting some distance between herself and the events of the past few months, and that in turn means that I can't afford to allow them to keep holding her back.

Yes, I understand why they would like nothing better than to wrap Kara in cotton and keep her safe until she dies of old age. That is a natural reaction, I guess, but she is Starbuck, and the simple fact is that Starbuck doesn't do safe. She never has, and she probably never will. It just isn't in her nature. That makes it hard for me to balance the needs of all three of my patients... though the fact that the Adamas are unaware of the fact that as far as I am concerned I do have three patients is one I can hopefully turn to my advantage.

I need them to support her, they do have an important role to play in that regard, but at the same time I am all too aware of the fact that they are dealing with their own issues, that they too have been deeply affected by the events of the past few weeks. That means that even though Starbuck has to take priority, I have to take their needs into account somehow.

In other words, we are done with stage one, which was all about keeping that girl alive, and now we are moving into stage two, the one in which we actually help her put the pieces back together again... and in that regard I have to admit that we are doing much better than I ever dared to hope... especially considering that some of the details we encountered were much worse than I had expected them to be. Yes, it is true that from my perspective even Jonas wasn't entirely unexpected. I had seen the X-rays and I knew that chances were that we were dealing with an abusive background... and let's say that even before I became aware of that particular aspect of her past, some elements of her behavior had already led me to suspect that she had been sexually abused at an early age, but back then I didn't feel it was my place to intervene... maybe if I had...

I shake my head at that, knowing that I have to focus, and that second-guessing the past is not likely to do me any good. We have to move forward, that is the only thing that matters. The problem is that what that girl went through... well, let's just say that I've never had much faith in humanity and what I've learned of her childhood hasn't done much to get me to change my mind in that regard.

Being a military doctor I don't usually deal with children, though ever since the worlds ended I have seen more of the little bundles of snot than I ever thought possible, and if these last couple of years have taught me anything, it is precisely how vulnerable they are. We have enough trouble, and the idea that someone would deliberately hurt one of them is not one I am particularly comfortable with. Oh, I am not kidding myself, I know that even now the lives of the children of the fleet are anything but safe, and I know that the cylons are not even the most imminent threat they face, not considering how dysfunctional our own society has become. I saw some hints of that back on New Caprica, but even there the conditions weren't anywhere near as desperate as they are on the fleet, not before the occupation anyway. We weren't crammed into flying tin cans that were literally falling apart under our feet back then, we could get away from each other and from the things that annoyed us if we really wanted to, and crying babies are high on the list of annoyances we tend to want to avoid. After all, the inability to tune out a crying baby is something that has been hardwired into us, but now we have nowhere to go. That is one of the most important freedoms we lost when we lost that rock, hellish as it was, but there is nothing I can do to change that, so I usually try not to waste what little energy I happen to have by worrying about it. I have more than enough to keep myself busy as it is, though to see what the long term consequences of that damage are likely to be is not a pleasant experience... and, all things considered, Starbuck is doing great, she is doing a lot better than I would have expected her to be in light of everything she's been through.

That is one of the things that gets to me. Yes, I know it happens, and I know there isn't that much I can do about it, but Starbuck has put a face on something that I didn't particularly want to think about, on what our future may hold. After all, as damaged as they may be, the fleet's children will someday become the fleet's parents... and by that time breaking the cycle of violence will be almost impossible.

Under normal circumstances dealing with that would be our top priority or at least one of them, but with so many other things vying for our attention that one has been pushed almost completely aside, where it will undoubtedly remain until it is ready to come back to bite us on the ass.

Okay, now that I think about it, I think I may actually have been wrong when I told myself that I had three patients rather than one... I may actually have four of them. Starbuck seems to have managed to get under my skin somehow, and I do know better than to try to treat myself, the problem is that, as I've told Bill more than once, there really is no one else, and that means I am effectively stuck.


	129. Chapter 129

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 129  
(Adama's POV)

It's a slow shift and I am not sure whether or not that is a good thing, not this time around. Yes, under normal circumstances, the least activity there is in the CIC on any given day, the better, but today that means that all eyes are on Starbuck, and I can see that all that attention is getting to her. I guess it was to be expected, after all, this is her first shift since... since her suicide attempt. Even now I find myself trying to shy away from that particular word, but it happened and I just can't change that.

The thing is that we are going to have to get over this awkwardness somehow, especially because, at least for the next couple of months, she is going to be spending a lot of time here in the CIC. From the very beginning Cottle said that it was going to be at least four months, with six being a far more realistic timeframe, before he would even think of allowing her back into the cockpit... and I fully intend to use that time to further her training as an officer. Yes, we need viper pilots, not to mention that she is our only trained flight instructor, but we also need experienced officers, and even though she is by far our best pilot and we need her out there, she is also a natural born leader and we have too few of those to begin with. In fact in that regard I have to admit that she is probably better than Lee.

Oh, my son has the training, he has the respect of the crew and he knows how to get results. In a technical sense he is the perfect officer, and he has already demonstrated that he is more than ready to handle a command of his own, but as is the case with his flying, he tends to do things by the book. Under our current circumstances that is a serious limitation. Kara is better at ignoring the book altogether and trusting her gut. In a way I guess Lee is the mind of the squad, while Kara is its heart. In that regard they seem to complement and balance each other as they do almost everywhere else, but the fact remains that, when push comes to shove, people do have a tendency to follow their hearts... and that's why we need her in here at least as much as we need her in the cockpit.

Am I lying to myself? I don't know... maybe, but the thing is that ever since this whole thing started I have been dreading the day in which I will see that little dot marked 'Starbuck' vanish before my eyes as so many have done before... and the events since New Caprica have only served to magnify that fear. Yes, I know I am the Admiral of the Fleet, I know I have a duty to protect what little remains of humanity by every means possible -and that means I must be willing to sacrifice both of my children if need be- but I came too close to losing her once already, the events of these past few weeks have basically obliterated any semblance of professional distance between us, and -duty be damned- the truth is that I don't think I'll ever be able to bring myself to send her out there again.

Well, that is a bridge we will have to cross when we get there... if we get there. Right now I'm just grateful for the fact that she is here. Yes, she has lost quite a bit of muscle mass and there is a new jumpiness to her that I find incredibly disturbing, a reminder of everything she has been through that I could definitely do without, but she is still breathing, she is performing some of her duties, and she is even trying to pretend that everything is fine. Oh, I know that is not the case, I know it is going to be a very long time before things go back to some semblance of normalcy, before I can allow myself to believe that she is doing fine, but at least she is trying. That may not seem like much, but it is an important step forward... a good sign as long as we don't let her fool us.

That is the balancing act we have to figure out a way to maintain. We have to be close but we have to do so without crowding her, we have to allow her to heal but we also have to be there to catch her if she falls, we have to listen but not ask.


	130. Chapter 130

_**For notes, warnings and disclaimers, see chapter 1.**_

Chapter 130  
(Kara's POV)

As soon as my shift is over I all but run out of the CIC, desperate to get away from the prying eyes, and not particularly caring about where I am going. Being there... it was bad, worse than I had been expecting it to be, but at least it is over. Yes, I know I'll have to go back eventually, but the first time is behind me. That is a relief.

Needing a chance to clear my head before returning to my quarters, where I am fairly certain Lee is going to be waiting for me, I keep wandering the corridors of the Galactica, reconnecting with the place for the first time since I left her to settle on that rock... and for the first time since I left I actually feel like I am home. I guess that is not surprising, not considering that this _**is**_ my home, the only real home I have ever had.

I close my eyes for a moment and rest my forehead against one of her walls, just feeling the hull's all but imperceptible vibration. It is like a hum in the back of my mind, as familiar to me as my own breathing, though all of a sudden I realize that there is something different about it too, that even that has changed. It is not something I can easily put into words, the change is too subtle for that, but for a moment I can almost feel the ship's exhaustion, I feel it almost as if it were my own. The old girl is tired too, she is scarred like me, but she is still here, still going.

She has been through a lot, and so have I.

For a moment I allow myself to remember, fighting back the urge to shy away from the memories. Remember, that is yet another thing I haven't really allowed myself to do since my return. It's not just that the memories are terrifying, though that is most definitely part of it, it is also that I couldn't, not with Lee, Cottle and the Old Man all pushing for answers. The problem is that almost as soon as I open the gates for the memories they oblige and come flooding back, threatening to overwhelm me once more. It's a mess inside my head with my mom, Jonas, Leoben, Simon and even Kacey all vying for attention. There are too many of them in there but in spite of that I have to regain some semblance of control.

I decide to tackle them one at a time. My mom and Jonas are relatively easy. They are dead, they can't hurt me any more and I know it. The cylons are a far more difficult proposition. They are still out there, they are still a threat, and that means I can't quite vanquish them from my mind. I turn my attention back to what happened in that apartment... to what Leoben did to me. He hurt me, he frakked with my mind and I let him... that is the worst part: not so much what he did but rather that I actually fell for it. In one way or another, in the end I did exactly what he wanted me to. In the end it is not the physical aspect of things that really gets to me, though that is what everyone seems to be focused on. I've tried to tell them that what Leoben did to me doesn't matter, but they just won't listen. Whenever I try they just give me these looks that are full of pity, like I am in denial, and then they go back to asking the same idiotic questions over and over again... questions I already know I can't answer without causing those pitying looks to get even worse. For a moment my mind flashes back to one of the things Cottle told me back at the beginning, one I had managed to put out of my mind up until now... that Simon had harvested some of my eggs. That is one I don't even want to think about, but I know I have to because it means that there is a very real possibility that this one is far from over. Someday I may even find myself fighting my own child.

That is a disturbing proposition, but even if it doesn't come to that the thought that they may actually succeed, that even after I thought I had managed to get away they may still get to breed a baby out of what they stole from me is enough to make me sick.

Funny, I never wanted kids, the mere thought used to be enough to cause me to break into a cold sweat, but now it frightens me for a completely different reason. Leave it to the frakking cylons to make me realize that I do have a maternal instinct after all.

I am still thinking about that when I realize where it is that my feet are actually taking me: Camp Oilslick. I stop cold at that, and for a moment I consider the possibility of turning back, of running in the opposite direction, but where am I going to go? No, it doesn't have to be today, but this is something I am going to have to do sooner or later. There is someone there I owe an apology to, even though I know there is no way she is going to be able to understand, that there is no way I can explain. I remember how I reacted the last time I saw her, how I pushed her away when she came looking for me. Well, I am done hiding and I know I deserve it... I know I screwed up and putting it off is unlikely to change that, so I walk into the hangar. I haven't been here before, and I am appalled by how people are living... by how _she_ is living. They are crammed like cattle, with little hope and nothing to do, just staying alive. In a way they are no better off than prisoners, and in spite of that I know that those on board of the _Galactica_ are better off than most. I look around, still trying to find her, but there are so many people just milling around that I am completely overwhelmed.

I don't know how long I spend looking for her, all I know is that I am on the brink of giving up when I hear a familiar voice saying 'Kawa', and I can barely turn around before I feel her attach herself to my leg, just like that... no anger, no questions, no recriminations. The realization that she truly doesn't hate me takes me completely aback, and then, before I realize what I'm doing, I find myself prying her arms away, bending down so that I am at her level and then I am picking her up. As I do so my eyes fall on Julia. She is looking at me, the wariness apparent in her eyes. I nod, silently acknowledging her concerns, and she relaxes a little.

It is not much, but it is something -a small respite in a war I know I'll be waging for as long as I live- and for the time being it will just have to do.

* * *

_**Author's notes:**_ Okay guys, this is it. After more than five years this story is officially complete. Was this the ending I had in mind from the beginning? In a way, the ending itself is the same, but I admit that there were some detours along the way... and a number of scenes that were dropped (otherwise it would have taken me ten years to finish this thing). Anyway, I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for sticking with me for this long. I really appreciate it. So thanks for reading, and reviewing.

Take care,

Alec


End file.
